Ramblings of an occasional introvert

[3amsouls]

‘are you happy?’ is such a difficult question. i always say yes, because i have friends, i laugh at jokes, i go out a lot and have fun. my life isn’t as bad as it could be, and i dont have terrible problems. it could be worse. but then, one night at 3am when im alone still awake, lying in bed, thinking about life, i find myself crying my heart out suddenly, i’m convinced that nobody likes me, or nobody will ever like me. i feel horrible and i question everything i had and i dont know if i was ever happy at all.

(via 3amsouls)

[blossomfully]

She treats you the way she wishes someone would treat her. So please don’t be annoyed if she keeps asking if you’re alright. It’s just because no one ever asked her.

S.Z. // Vodka thoughts #23 (via blossomfully)

[danger]

[asoftwrongness]

[innerthoughtsofalonelybrune-blog]

In my childhood bedroom, there is a frame on the wall that says 

“Friends: noun plural 1. Those cool people with whom you can be yourself, act silly and laugh out loud”.

It was given to me by my mother I think and has ten or so pictures of friends and myself from my senior year of high school and the funny thing is I haven’t talked to half of those people in about 5 years.

I have more frames like this around my room, photos on photos of me holding people closely that are strangers to me now. 

I graduated high school five years ago and I live in this room every winter break and most summers, why don’t I take it down?

Do I enjoy keeping this room locked in 2013 like a time capsule to feed my nostalgic tendencies? Letting myself stare at the photos of a point in my life I believe I was the happiest because in the five years that have passed I have forgotten the hard parts leaving me wishing for something that will never be?

Or do I keep them up as a reminder? A reminder that all relationships especially the ones that seem will last forever and ultimately going to end? That nothing is permanent and that leaving some things behind, even if you didn't mean to, is part of moving forward? 

That no matter how long you stare at a picture you will never be eighteen again?

Just like right now, today, you will never be twenty-two on December 27th again so get the fuck out of your room and live like it.

[innerthoughtsofalonelybrune-blog]

Things have been good lately but I still feel off sometimes. I don’t have anything to be sad about and yet here I am. It’s like I look back at weeks of me being happy, getting good grades, talking to a guy that’s good for me and I don’t recognize her. Do I not know who I am when I’m not falling apart? Do I search for crisis? 

Why am I like this

[wordsnquotes]

My imagination gave me a dual life: I lived in my body, and at the same time lived a life no one could see.

Andre Dubus (via wordsnquotes)

[innerthoughtsofalonelybrune-blog]

I just had an epiphany and I need to write it down somewhere fast so I can tell my therapist

So I was thinking about how I liked Nick a lot in 7th grade when he was dating Shelby Moritz, my best friend, and the next year in 8th grade after I broke up with Ryan and Nick asked me to be his girlfriend I said no cause I wasn’t really interested in dating anyone. I remember I said it wasn’t that I didn’t like him  it was cause wanted to stay single.

and then it hit me in the face, “do I only want Nick when he isn’t available?” and I thought about it more and the only time I can think of Nick being available is when I was at CU and I was so hesitant and like kept trying to make everyone, and myself, believe that I wasn’t into him. Most of my relationship with him has been me wanting him and then as soon as he’s like “ok, let’s do this” I’m like “wait what no”.

It’s not that I only want him when he’s not available, it’s that when being with him isn’t an option I allow myself to want him to the fullest extent, or I don’t try to mentally repress my feelings for him cause nothing is going to happen but as soon as the option is open, I try to reel that shit in real fast cause I don’t want it to seem like I care too much. 

I can’t believe I have found another way my whole fear of caring too much has been apart of my life since 8th fucking grade. 

AND it’s still fucking relevant cause this is exactly what I’m doing with Niall. I only like him and talk to him about how I want him when he’s on the other side of the fucking planet. and that’s why every time he talks about moving to Texas I freak out. 

God I hate my brain. 

[innerthoughtsofalonelybrune-blog]

I used to think you were an anchor.

That the reason I haven’t been able to reach true happiness is because I am chained to this anchor with your name on it and I am reaching, stretching, and grasping at happy, and sometimes I get close, but in the end I can’t reach it. 

I was wrong.

I am not chained, I am the chain.

I am reaching with out to the sun with one hand yes, but the other hand has a death grip on this anchor and the anchor is you but not. The anchor is the hope that maybe some day, maybe one day, we’ll find our way back to each other and get that happily ever after. 

That true happiness.

[innerthoughtsofalonelybrune-blog]

It’s not that I’m lacking love

I don’t love anyone No one loves me I’m not in love with anyone

But It’s not that I don’t have love I have a lot of love to give, to share, to make

Just no one to give or share or make it with It sits in my chest and weighs me down and sometimes it’s hard to breathe 

[innerthoughtsofalonelybrune-blog]

Ranting about therapy below, please ignore 

So I had a therapy session today and didn’t have a lot to talk about cause I’ve been feeling okay. I’m stressed but it’s not anything new. It’s midterms week so I’m expecting the anxiety and stressed out feelings and we talked about that but after that the conversation kinda ended. Then she suggested we stop having regularly scheduled sessions cause I seem to be doing okay and I know what I need to work on for the things that still get to me. However, I don’t want to stop going to therapy but I don’t know what I’d talk about cause she’s right, I’ve been doing fine. So I just agreed with her but then I cried the whole way home cause I wanted therapy to fix me or make me feel better but I feel the same.  

Is this my fault? Should I have said something? But what would I say? Is it just that this therapist isn’t a match for me? Did I do something wrong? 

I knew I should have rescheduled this session cause now I have an hour until a huge paper is due and I’m not done with it but I can’t focus cause all I can think about is that fucking therapy session and I hate this. 

[innerthoughtsofalonelybrune-blog]

I thrive in motion.

I am happiest away.

I feel alive when traveling.

It is when I stop, when I rest,

That my mind starts moving.

[innerthoughtsofalonelybrune-blog]

I don’t want an apology You didn’t do anything wrong There’s nothing to be sorry for

It’s my fault I’m like this Crying at every mention of your name

I was the one that was stupid enough to think something could have happened

That I could be happy again That I could be the girl that was falling in love on new years eve That we could pick up where we left off

I feel like I should be apologizing not to you but to myself I’m sorry for getting my hopes up again I’m sorry for believing in love too late

I’m sorry

[innerthoughtsofalonelybrune-blog]

Honestly, I just want it to end. I’m tired. Wanting you is  exhausting.

It started with being stuck and then realizing the cement on the bottom of my shoes was made of fear You told me the water was warm but I couldn’t seem to move.

Then it was it was prying my feet out of those shoes and jumping in, barefoot only to find that the water was cold and you had got out a while ago.

Then it was falling out of love which felt a lot like climbing up a mountain but when I got to the top I found myself among ruins.

When I had jumped I was looking forward, looking at you I didn’t notice the land mine I had set off behind me but now, I had a mess to clean up, and no one to blame but me.

The stupid girl to didn’t look before she leaped.

It took years of hard work but eventually  I got to a place that was stable enough to build a house on,

Only for you come back into my life by bursting through a wall, Kool-aid man style.

Now I don’t know which is worse, this hole in the wall or that you only stayed one night.

I’ve been trying to board it up but nothing seems to work, you somehow keep getting in through the cracks and you may bring warmth but you never stay long this draft has me shivering and I just need this to stop.

Just make a decision.  Are you in or you out?

I am fixing this wall and closing this house with or without you in it. Make a decision.

[innerthoughtsofalonelybrune-blog]

I feel stuck.

Stuck doing the same things over and over.

Go to class, go to work, get drunk, cry over the same boy I’ve been crying over for three years.

(Is this what they mean when they talk about insanity?)

Today I thought about running away.

If I just took off in the middle of the night to a place far away, would this sinking feeling in my stomach fade? would this emptiness in my chest go away? would this constant weight on my throat disappear?

I just want to drive until I stop feeling like this or stop feeling at all.

[innerthoughtsofalonelybrune-blog]

It’s in that one moment

The moment when the tears stop falling.

The last one leaves my eye and slides down my temple. I can feel it reach my hair and slide along my scalp until the feeling fades and my hair is wet as I stare at the ceiling.

I breathe in and it seems to take all my energy.

I breathe out and an eerie calm falls upon my mind.

I am suddenly exhausted Maybe it’s from the constant running, whether I’m chasing my sanity or running from my delusions, that part isn’t quite clear.

Or maybe it’s from the fighting. the constant battle between my logic and our history, my head and my heart, her face and your eyes.

I breathe out and I have only one thought spinning in my mind and slamming into my gut

You look at her the same way I look at you.

[kipplekipple]

“I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to exist any more” sounds mild if you’ve never experienced it, but it is in fact a horrible, violent way to feel.