Inside My Mind

The honest truth

[insidemymind237]

A past I thought I put behind me.

**TRIGGER WARNING**

The other night I was sitting on the couch just minding my own business when my phone went off with a text alert. It was him. The boy who scared me for life. Fear, anger, disgust and pain came over me instantly. My mother sitting beside me has no idea. I play it cool not to alarm her or talk about it. This man or I should say boy and I dated along time ago. On and off and then we broke up and kind of kept in contact. I was in high school and we were talking once on the phone and I told him I smoked some weed. Back then I was terrified of getting caught being an athlete and all and being close to my parents they could never know. He threatend to tell me parents and I told him not to and that if he did I’d never speak to him. Then I finally realized that it wasn’t worth it so I told him I didn’t care. He then proceeded to tell me that he videotaped us having sex and all my pictures I had sent him. I told him to delete them and he threatened to share them if I didn’t let him tie me up and fuck me. Terrified I tried to convince him otherwise and to delete it and leave me alone day by day he sent me pictures of myself naked and dirty as a threat. One day I said fine but if I do this you need to leave me the fuck alone. After Judo practice (oh did I forget to mention that I used to train with him) he decided to drive me home I wanted to die I wanted something and someone to save me. Once we got to my house he locked the doors and leaned over forcing himself on to me I struggled and tried to push him off however it was no use. He put his hands down my pants and fingered me so hard that I was bleeding, I was crying at this point. I wanted to leave and I wanted to die. I finally pushed him off me and told him to leave me alone and to never contact me again and that this is what he got. I grabbed my bag and ran to my house. Once inside I went to shower and I sat there and bawled my eyes out. I was terrified that the pictures or video would surface. But it never did he never contacted me again. Until now. He was trying to be funny and I just wanted him to go away, he wants to start a friendship back up. I couldn’t respond I was sick to my stomach. Even now writing this I feel like I’m going to throw up. I’ve never told anyone the truth about this. I feel weak and scared. I felt tiny and that little voice in my head kept saying he’s back you’re fucked. I am angry I don’t want to feel this way but now I think it’s swallowing me up again. I haven’t even told my therapist or psychologist. I feel not only disgusted with him but also with myself. And I can’t even talk about it with anyone. I’m very alone and scared. But I thought it was about time to share my story. Ladies you are not alone. I’m with you. Please if you ever need to talk I am here. Men too if you’ve ever experienced anything like this please don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m here for all of you.

[insidemymind237]

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISSORDER PART 1

I apologize in advance for my slowness of posting I’ve been dealing with a lot of mental health issues. I will try to explain this disorder the bests way I can but please understand that it is different for everyone and this diagnosis is quite new.

I recently got diagnosed with BPD, when I got the diagnosis I was terrified all I could think of was what’s wrong with me why can’t I just be “normal”. I thought great I’m just a big bag of mental health issues all piling up. My psychiatrist decided to get me to do my own research and see what I thought and what I found was quite surprising and things I mostly over looked. First was the self mutilation and the attempts of suicide. I was told that that is more of a common identification of BPD. My anger, I could never control it and when I “lost” it I lost it. I’d black out and rage. My relationship problems, the constant fear of abandonment and the self sabotage. Forcing myself to end relationships because I got bored or I knew they would leave. They always leave. My impulse control was quite low as well I felt like I had no control. And many more. But through all of this I’ve learned a lot about myself I’ve learned that my relationships are all me sabotaging them because of fear. I’ve learned that I see things very black and white there is no middle ground. My doctor told me it could be from pst experiences that this has come on, like from my PTSD, my childhood, my abandonment. I remember when I was told all this I told my mother and she told me to keep it a secret as people might think I’m crazy. Or that I hear voices and can’t do the work that I do or live the life that I am living. However yes I hear voices but not in the sense of delusions more to the fact that it’s my own voice trying to convince myself that I should “cut deeper” “no one cares” “you’re useless” and I’ve fought with these my whole life. I know now that I shouldn’t be ashamed for this diagnosis does not define me and make me who I am. I am whoever I want to be. However i wanted to read and learn more and I’m still learning a lot about not only the diagnosis but also myself.

I apologize in advance I will go into more details but for now I would like to leave it at here for today as it was rough and I will talk more about BPD in later posts. Also please do not take this post as a form of self diagnosis please if you feel you fit some or have done more research and believe this is you, then please speak to a doctor and get the proper help and support you need. You are not alone.

[insidemymind237]

CHRISTMAS/ HOLIDAY

***What ever you celebrate this is a public service announcement***

This is just a post because I know how hard this time of year is for people especially for me. I want all of you who read my posts or don’t to know that;

You are loved

You are worthy

You are enough

You are strong and brave

I am proud of you

You have accomplished so much

You are amazing

You are beautiful/handsome

I believe in you

I’m happy you’re alive

You can do anything

Youre feelings matter

Its okay not to be okay, and you need to know this. You have made it through another year and yes it could have been god awful and you wanted to end it along time ago. But I am so proud and happy you’re here. You make this a better place just by being alive. You don’t need to hide your feelings in fear of dragging anyone else down. Your feelings are valid. You’re friends/family/ support system love you and care for you and you will never be a burden. Stay strong I love you all and I’m again so so proud of you. If you do need help do not hesitate to call a Help line it’s always okay to ask for help when you need it don’t ever be ashamed.

Suicide: 1-800-273-TALK

Self harm: 1-800-366-8288

Addiction: 1-800-662-4357

Eating disorder: 1-800-931-2237

Domestic violence: 1-800-799-SAFE

Grief: 1-800-395-5755

[insidemymind237]

POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

(PTSD)

*TRIGGER WARNING*

I will be going into detail about my triggers and cause of my PTSD so please be warned.

When I was in high school I was on the wrestling team not out of my own choosing but that of my mothers. She told me I needed to join a sport and I thought I’d do great in wrestling because of my judo background. I was in grade 12 year, and the day was Valentine’s Day. Me and a couple of my friends (who I will keep nameless for their own sake and for mine) were all hanging out, these friends were guys and we were all on the wrestling team. One of our friends called us and asked if she could hang out with us and of course we said yes, however she was in grade 9 and couldn’t drive so she asked us to pick her up. We didn’t really want to do so because she lived across town and we didn’t want to leave. So we told her and she said it was fine. Little did I know what was in store. At about 3am I’m in bed when my phone won’t stop ringing and I don’t want to answer it because I was tired and I had practice the next morning. Finally after what seemed like 20x I finally picked up it was one of my friends that I was hanging out with. He was in a panic and I couldn’t understand him, finally I told him to calm down and tell me what was wrong. The girl we didn’t pick up ended up committing suicide and she wanted to say goodbye to us. I was frantically trying to put the pieces together and make sense but I went to extreme panic. I ran to the bathroom and started throwing up and sobbing. I couldn’t wake up my family I couldn’t put this on them. So I waited to the next morning. After all these years I still feel so guilty that we didn’t pick her up maybe she wouldn’t have done it and I blame myself everyday. I know in my heart that there was nothing to do to save her but I still carry that with me everyday.

A couple years ago I was driving to work and I was behind a semi. It ended up slamming on its breaks and swerving a bit so I did the same thank god no one was behind me. The semi was pulled over and so I did the same to make sure the semi driver was okay. When I got to the semi I noticed something on the road in my mind I thought “oh animal” but in my gut I knew something was wrong. I walked around more and that’s when I noticed it a man paved across the road blood everywhere and I couldn’t believe my eyes I was in complete shock. I looked at the driver who was what looked like he was having a extreme shock. I ran over and opened his door and told him to get out and sit on the side and that everything was going to be okay and that’s when he kept repeating “he just jumped out he looked at me and jumped why would he jump.” Suicide. I told him that it wasn’t his fault and everything was going to be okay. Another car pulled over and asked if they could help I told them to call 911 and to stay here. I ran back to my car and grabbed a blanket to cover the body. What I saw I can’t even put into words. It was more than anybody could handle and I just kept reminding myself to stay strong he needs you more right now. I remember the police and the ambulance arriving and I told them what had happened. But even to this day I have nightmares and flashbacks and sometimes I can’t even watch movies or shows with people getting hit by anything because I get into a major panic.

I told my psychiatrist what had happened to me and they diagnosed me with PTSD this year alongside my major depression, and borderline personality disorder. I’m supposed to be going to groups but the more I think about it the more I panic that I won’t be able to handle it.

I usually end with something positive, however this took a lot out of me emotionally. This was very hard to write and I apologize that it took me so long to post please bare with me as this is all new to me and my healing process. I will end with 3 things I am grateful for though I learnt that in my support groups at the mental hospital and I believe it works somewhat.

3 things I’m grateful for;

1. My loving and supportive mother.

2. My amazing dog who makes me feel calmer and safer.

3. And finally I’m thankful for finally getting help and trying to better myself.

[insidemymind237]

Major depression

*TRIGGER WARNING*

My depression started at a young age of never being good enough. When I was just born my biological father if you could even call him that left. Didn’t even show up. I was in competitive sports from the age of 8 till I was about 16 years old. I trained 6 days a week and traveled the world. I trained harder than any other person i gave my childhood up and my social life to be an Olympian or be the best of the best. I was then good enough to be on Team Sask and then I went to Canada games under age (14) and came out winning third place. No one could believe it not even myself. I then went to the states and competed for Canada and again came in 3rd place. However I put all my time and energy into trying to impress my coaches and worked harder than any other person but it still was never good enough. My parents (my mom and step dad) weren’t very wealthy and we lived and live Paycheque to paycheque. And yet they still wanted me to succeed. By that time I had given up I was never going anywhere because I was never chosen even if I did do good because I was NEVER GOOD ENOUGH. I then went to wrestling and won and won and I wanted to impress my coaches again however again I was never the favourite or the one they chose. I was never good enough. As life went on I dated for a while a boy I was so in love with completely and utterly in love with however again it did not work because I was never good enough to want a future with. My heart was breaking over and over again. My art was failing, my love life was a mess, my parents screamed and swore at each other they aren’t in love I know that, I rapidly gained weight. I was small petit and had an okay body I have now gained over 100lbs just because I can’t handle my life and eat my feelings. I cry and cry because of how I look and I hate myself everyday. I never take pictures and I hate the ones there are. After noticing all these things tragedy struck I had huge losses in my life and couldn’t bear it. I tried to kill myself without anyone knowing. I tried to hang myself however the rope broke and I layed there bawling my eyes out only to open them to my dog licking my face. I knew it was a chance and I tried to move on however it felt as if a huge black monster was riding on my back. Whispering “you’re not good enough, you’ll never be good enough. No one loves you, no one would care if you were dead. Everyone would be better off”. I still hear this voice. I decided I needed help after I started cutting again again and again. My parents didn’t know about anything they still don’t. I keep it that way so they don’t worry or send me away. Ive cried myself to sleep and taken sleeping pills hoping to never wake up. But also to put my mind to rest, it’s hit down and let it go. I went to the clinic and my doctor put me on anti depressants and something to help with my anxiety. However when I’m on my medication I feel numb like I’m just there. Not living, not dying but there. And that’s when I started cutting when I couldn’t bear the numbness I wanted to feel more than anything I wanted to see the blood and to feel the sting. To know I’m still alive. I’ve tried many things like the ice cube, the band and the red marker but nothing can take my numbness away. My doctor has now sent me to a psychiatrist and my psychiatrist has referred me to a psychologist. Maybe I’m crazy maybe they can’t fix me. My heart aches for freedom and my souls screams for love. But in my head all I can hear is YOU ARENT GOOD ENOUGH.

I am not writing this to get a poor me or a few bad for me please! I’m writing this to tell my story and hopefully figure out my life. I’m sorry if this was too much. But I am on the road to self recovery and want to get better. If you have any suggestions or comments please feel free to message me. I am here as a friend for all. No one should ever suffer alone in silence and I am here to listen.

[insidemymind237]

Social Anxiety

At a young age I realized that I did not like being in large crowds. I didn’t really like leaving my house and being in public really made me feel uncomfortable. When I was younger I never left the house or did anything on my own because I was scared and didn’t want to have to talk to someone unless I had to. People kept telling me that all it was was I was just shy. But when I went out my heart felt like it was going to bear right out of my chest. I felt like I couldn’t get enough oxygen and I was gasping for air. I felt like the room was closing in around me and I had to get out. I kept with the shy statement for most of my life. My family wa every old school when it came to mental health. NO ONE SHOULD NO. ITS EMBARRASSING. So I never told anyone. When I got older and was out at places I would drink excessively so I wouldn’t feel that anxiety anymore. To the point where I didn’t care what people thought of me. And to the point where I felt comfortably numb in alcohol. Looking at it now it makes sense why I drink now when I’m out it’s my safety, it makes me push down my anxiety and forget it. This worked for a while however I then started drinking more and more and that got dangerous. I pulled back when a family member noticed my drinking and decided to stop for a while which was good for my health however, it also brought back my anxiety. When I’m shopping for groceries I have a panic attack and sit in my car to calm down, I’d have to run to the bathroom and put cold water on my face. I still do to this day however I do know that my anxiety is nothing it’s all in my head. I try to talk myself down, and I do everything I can to calm down. At home I will usually be with my dog who makes me feel better and knows when something is wrong. I work in a school with children and while working with children I notice that a lot of our young ones also have anxiety and they need our help. That’s when I snapped out of it, anxiety should not be hidden and you should not be embarrassed with what you have. Working with kids has taught me that, we need to start talking about it more so we can help our young ones learn good habits and help them through their hard times. This Christmas I am getting my dog registered as an emotional support animal to help me with this situation also with my other mental illnesses. Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of and if you or someone you know has anxiety reassure them that everything is going to be okay and help them through it if you can. Yes they/we know everything is okay but our mind has convinced us otherwise.

If you or a loved one struggles with anxiety here are some tips that work for me. (They May not work for you however it never hurts to try)

5 things

Find 5 things you can see

Find 4 things you can touch

Find 3 things you can hear

Find 2 things you can smell

Find 1 thing you can taste

Also try doing worst case scenario with someone you look at each other and say your idea of worst case scenario at that moment sometimes hearing your thoughts out loud can make you realize how silly they are and make them loose their power.

[insidemymind237]

Attention Deficit Disorder

ADD

Ever since I was young I knew I was different, I couldn’t do the work other kids did, and my brain didn’t function the way everyone else’s did. When I was younger my mother took me to the doctor and at an early age I was diagnosed with ADD (Attentin Deficit Disorder). My mother soon then after put me on medication so I could function “normally”. When on this medication I was very closed off, I didn’t talk to anyone I was hyper focused and I felt trapped inside my own body. I also noticed that my vision was different and that I could barely eat I was never hungry. I hated the way I get when I was on Concerta I didn’t feel like myself.. Now that I am older I know how my brain works. I know that when I was younger I needed to be on the medication so I could focus on my studies. However now at the age of 22 I realize that I like who I am and yes sometimes I would like to go on my medication but still to this day I have the memories of being on that medication and knowing how it made me feel. I don’t need it on my day to day life I want to feel like me. I know I have troubles focusing and sometimes people will have to tell me “hey focus on me” and it was hard and still is. Growing up I was very ashamed of having ADD it wasn’t as popular as it is now. And when people called me dumb I took it to heart it destroyed me I felt like nothing. I still sometimes feel like I am not as smart as other people but now I now that everyone has their own smarts. I know I’m smart in my own way and I know that now and that having a learning disability is nothing to be ashamed about. And also working with kids who have learning disabilities and mental disabilities and physical disabilities has grown my mindset as well. We all should love who we are no matter what we might be diagnosed with.

Well I will talk more along these lines of my disabilities one by one in hopes to shed some light and maybe help some people and hopefully help myself as well.

Next time I will be talking about my anxiety.

[insidemymind237]

First day of blog about mental health

I don’t really know how to do these things, but I want to get honest and loud about mental health and I want people to know they are not alone. So I have made this blog to help shed some light. I who would like to remain nameless for now am a woman who has been diagnosed with the following mental illnesses;

Major depression

Social anxiety

Attention deficit disorder (ADD)

Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

And Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

I will try to talk more about my illnesses another day I don’t want to overwhelm some of you and I don’t want to jump right in my first day. I am doing this in hopes that it sheds some light on them as diagnoseses but also that it’s okay to ask for help and to talk about it. I don’t know if I’ll get any readers but if I do I would love to hear from you and hear your stories as I share mine.

Remember you are not alone.

Stay strong