that's life with me

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oh no i’m back

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Softly spoken

Never open

Enough for me to see

How you really feel for me

Eyelids swollen

Tears keep flowing

From all I’ve lost on you

When no one else would do the same

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Super crampy today

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Hi I don’t care that I’m too old for this shit are we friends or more than friends????????

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I have too much to say.

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Sorry but here is a big crazy potentially hypomanic rant sorry

Uhhh sometimes I do things that seem insane and then I remember I have the crazies and realize that maybe it wasn’t normal to just buy a new car after less than a day of deciding. ‬

I 100% don’t feel like sleeping tonight. I want to clean my whole flat and light candles and vlog. I want to vacuum everything but my neighbors will wake up.

I want to write 3 songs and already started them and now I’m not sick anymore so I can sing them.

I’m going to Baltimore in 2 weeks to see Teddy. He’s actually not even in Baltimore anymore. He lives in the mountains now. I’ve been there twice before and it’s so nice and peaceful out there. I want to vlog it, but I don’t know how to vlog??

Oh shit also I put down a deposit for hair extensions so I can look pretty again and have booked workouts at the hot yoga studio every day for the next 2 months but I’ve already had to cancel 2 because I always end up being crazy busy when I thought I’d be free.

I’m doing so much session work this weekend though. And a big practice tomorrow. Throat still kind of hurts but I can do it. I’ll have tea.

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So this dude I was sorta dating and who absolutely crushed me and ruined my whole outlook on dating has this AMAZING ex girlfriend and she and I have become great friends and she bought this for me. She knows me better than he did 😂😂😂

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Hey I unblocked my ex on everything just so I could be taken down a few pegs. How’s your Saturday night going?

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How do I politely tell someone that they had to be kicked off a song because they were unprofessional and didn’t do a good job? This person caused the song to be held up for weeks while we found another person to play that part. Now this person is dropping comments and messages asking where the song is, but I’m terrified and sad to tell them we went in a different direction, because this person is a friend.

Ughhhh what do I say?

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I’m so sad and I can’t eat anything

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Maybe girls are the answer

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No more dates or hanging out with men who I like. I plan to avoid seeing these people. Wish me luck. I am sad and their rejection hits me right where it hurts. I spent a whole day with one of them yesterday. Helped him clean up his yard and we ate breakfast and lunch together and then watched nature documentaries snd That ‘70s Show until he fell asleep. And now today he is acting weird and just fuck all of that. I don’t need it.

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Lol update on this. This was Ivan. I helped Ivan do house and yard work and we would joke that he wanted to make sure I could carry my own in Russia 😂😂😂 He would call me “muscles” because I would assist in ripping out tiny tree trunks from his giant yard and such. We did actually date, but he wouldn’t consider me a girlfriend. In fact, he sort of told me I was “one” of his girlfriends, which didn’t sit right with me. So after the last time I caught him on tinder when I was still in his house (he couldn’t even wait until I left to find another girl...), I ended up storming out, never seeing him again, and befriending one of his ex girlfriends 😂 She’s fucking awesome. He knows he fucked up, but he is sort of just very cold and doesn’t directly own up to a lot of stuff. I did manage to get an apology from him, though. Because he knew he really did fuck up. And it sucked, because I saw so much of the person I actually loved in him... but I guess that is very telling. The person I loved was cold, distant, unimpressed... Ivan is all of those things. And also neither of them would ever choose me. So I know this means I need to find someone that isn’t an Ivan or a Danny. I need to find someone who is the opposite of them both. Good luck, girl. :)

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I got rid of all my social media shit except for tumblr for now.

I know I need to keep at least IG for promotion, but fuck I don’t even want to be on there.

I can’t stand watching everyone live their happy lives anymore. Everyone is so much better than me and it sucks.

I’m just trash. Everything I like and do is trash. He was right.

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🎃

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Also, a really good friend who happens to know Danny, Derek, AND the guy I’m currently seeing, says that I seem to have a thing for emotionally unavailable men. He says he sees a lot of Danny in him. Fuck. I apparently have a type, and it’s sociopath.

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Hahaha now that I’m away from that third guy, I can tell you all. Yikes Ivan might have been the coldest, least emotionally available person I ever “dated” (for 6 months.) Like I guess I already knew, since I had known him for years already and oh gee what a dead-inside little dude he’d always been, until he wanted something from me, then he was super nice and kind and gentle. 😂 Sweet Jesus. Just stay away from me, anyone who is a man.

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Every few weeks, I decide to torture myself by unblocking you.

I’m so glad you hardly ever post. But last year, you did this really cute thing. You posted “his and hers” carved pumpkins, when you know how much Halloween has always meant to me and to us. And I know for a fact that you posted it to get to me, because I know exactly how you are.

I know you better than I know anyone. And I wish I didn’t. I wish I never met you at all. I wish you never messaged me that day after the 3 year silence. I wish I never lived with you. I wish I never opened up so much that I actually considered your family (who have never given a fuck about me) my own family.

You have ruined my entire perception of friendship, loyalty, trust, and love. Because of you, I truly no longer believe in love. I know if you’re reading this, you’re thinking, “Look, it isn’t my problem, it’s been a year, get over it.” Lololol. It’s only not your problem because you are soulless. You are the biggest sociopath I have ever met. You blend in with the scenery, but you are fucking cruel and evil. What you did to P, you did to me. And you’ll do to J. And it’s fucking disgusting and frankly just sad.

I hate that anytime something awful happens, I think, “What advice would Danny give me?” But then I remember that I need to stop even humoring the idea is valuing your opinion. All those years, I’ve looked at you like a fucking all-knowing god. I loved you more than I could possibly love anything or anyone. And you abandoned me.

You’re probably still mad that I cut your phone. But... honestly, I didn’t feel like having my parents pay for you to text the new girl you were fucking. It was just very disrespectful, like everything you said and did during the entire last month that I was still speaking to you.

You hurt people like this, and are unable to understand how badly you hurt them, and sometimes you even don’t understand why/how they were upset. Because you have never experienced something like that. You have never had your heart broken. And for everyone you encounter’s sake - I hope to fucking god that happens. Maybe if you get your heart broken, you will actually learn something about how you’ve treated people your entire life. :)