How to really tell if you are emotionally abusive
A more realistic discussion about the warning signs of emotional abuse.
For the sake of simplicity, I will use the word “partner” but you could substitute in child, friend, or housemate. Emotional abuse happens in many settings, not just in intimate relationships.
We often talk about emotional abuse from the victims perspective, mostly because it can be very difficult for abusers to recognize their actions as abusive.
Unlike physical or sexual abuse where a single incident is enough to define abuse, emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior and a climate of manipulation, intimidation, blaming and shaming.
Keeping in mind that this is about a pattern of behavior and not a single incident
Say things to your partner that you know make them feel embarrassed or humiliated?
Criticize your partner? Especially criticisms about things that can not be changed easily.
Yell or shout at your partner during conflicts?
Argue with your partner with the goal of “winning” the argument and/or making them agree with you.
Have a bad or unpredictable temper? Is it difficult for people to predict or avoid making you angry?
Feel that it is your partner is to blame when you lose your temper?
Feel that other people are responsible for causing your bad mood?
Think that your relationship would be better if your partner would just listen to your or do things the way you think they should be done?
Break things or damage property when you are in a bad mood, especially things that belong to your partner or that are important to them?
Insist that your partner stay and finish an argument with you even when they try to leave to cool down or ask to take a break?
Disagree with your partner about past events and insist that your version of the event is correct.
Find yourself minimizing the seriousness of bad things you’ve done in the past when your partner brings them up?
Find yourself trying to control partner’s perception of events by lying, distorting the truth, or hiding things?
Find yourself denying that you did or said certain things because you feel too guilty or ashamed to admit they happened?
Accuse your partner of exaggerating when they bring up things you’ve done in the past?
Discourage your partner from spending time with their friends or family?
Get angry when your partner prioritizes relationships with others over you, such as choosing to go out with friends instead of spending time with you?
Read your partners emails, texts, or other private conversations without their permission?
Pressure your partner into doing things that they don’t want to do?
Say things to make your partner feel guilty about not pleasing you?
Make comments or jokes about hurting your partner or others? Examples: “I’m so mad I could slap you!” or “If anyone ever cheated on me, I’d kill them.”
Make suicidal threats such as, “I’d kill myself if you left me”. Note: There is a difference between genuine suicidal feelings and manipulative suicidal threats. If you genuinely feel suicidal and are being honest with your partner about that, you are not being abusive. Please do not hesitate to tell your loved ones if you are thinking about hurting yourself!
If you have a pattern of doing any of these things in relationships, you might be emotionally abusive. Like I said earlier, emotional abuse isn’t about a single event. Emotional abuse is a pattern of abuse. If you do some of these things rarely, like shouting during a particularly bad fight, that doesn’t mean that your relationship is abusive.
But if you recognize yourself in a lot of these questions or if you have a pattern of doing any of these things, you might be emotionally abusive. It might be hard to see your own actions as abusive. You probably don’t even intend to control or hurt your partner, but intent doesn’t really matter. You can hurt people without intending to.
Some of the things on this list can stem from having a mental illness, growing up in a dysfunctional family, or from being a victim of abuse yourself. It’s not your fault if your mental illness makes it harder to control your temper. It’s not your fault if growing up in a dysfunctional family made it hard to learn healthy ways to communicate. You still have to take responsibility for your actions and try to do better.
Whatever the cause, the important thing is that you get help and start working on changing your behavior.
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