Insurance Inquisitor

Your #1 Place for Financial Satire

[insuranceinquisitor]

After Golden Bell Rings, Insurance Office Breaks Out into Chaotic Cannibal Bloodbath

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - After sealing the deal and binding a million dollar account, Riverport Insurance Services president Roger Nulton gracefully waltzed over to the giant gold bell in the printing room, grabbed hold of the rope, and shook it with triumph. Thrice he shook the bell, letting the gong resound all over the office floor, announcing their monetary victory. However, little did he know that instead of mild-mannered employees joining him in the celebration, he was greeted by a horde of vicious cannibals, leaping and feasting on each other’s flesh.

The chaos erupted so quickly that Nulton didn’t know what do or how to react, taking his high and devouring it in a literal bloodbath before his very eyes. Nancy from accounting screeched like a banshee, racing down the hallway with her arms flailing over her head and her face thirsty for another’s warm flesh and blood. Upon seeing a feeble Operations Specialist, she pounced and scratched at his face before biting into his neck.

More and more employees flooded into the printing room, and immediately attacked each other with a malice not seen since the elder days. They punched, strangled, and kicked each other in a swarm of brutal violence, and Nulton merely stood in shock and terror, shrinking down to his knees. “Dear God! Why? Why God? What plague have you brought upon my office?” he wailed, lifting his eyes up to the ceiling.

The fighting only grew more deadly when Kevin from Underwriting grabbed a pair of sharp scissors and thrust them down on a claims specialist. The specialist grabbed Kevin’s arms by the wrist and held him back while snarling and growling, slobbering spit all over his lips and chin. But it was no use, Kevin overpowered him and with a glint in his eye, he shoved the scissors deep into the specialist’s heart. Without hesitation, Kevin leaned in and chewed on his flesh, eating him alive. With a mouthful of blood, Kevin looked up and smiled at Nulton with a little blood dribbling down his chin.

When the carnage ceased, bodies were strewn all over the printing room, pools of blood ran out into the hallways, and Nulton cowered in the fetal position, trembling like a leaf.

At press time, the deceased employees were removed and Nulton told the remaining survivors to get back to work and make some more money for the company.

[insuranceinquisitor]

Underwriter Hungrily Eyes Fresh Meat, Considers How to Screw Them Over

ST. PAUL, MN  - Stretching his arms high in the air and yawning like a lion, Underwriting Executive John Gouge sat in his cubicle, considering ways to royally screw over the new Account Manager Travelers hired last week. The air was clean and fresh that morning, revitalizing Gouge’s senses for the hunt. He’d heard rumors of fresh meat grazing a few cubicles down and couldn’t help but hungrily lust after it. The other Account Managers in his kingdom were now quick to his wily schemes and kept their distance. Anytime he’d try to spring a trap for them, they’d find ways to show proof of their innocence and avoid it with speed and agility. But new blood never knew of Gouge’s ability to take an innocent error, turn it into a vicious weapon, and go for the jugular.

Gouge’s full teeth grin spread from ear to ear as he pondered the various ways he could take advantage of the new gazelle grazing in his domain for the first time. “If I make a mistake and tell the agent something wrong, I’ll just blame it on this new guy,” he said, licking his lips. “I’ll mass send an email to all his managers in a fit and claim he’s causing me all sorts of problems. Even if he isn’t, his reputation will surely be smeared.”

In order to get a sense of what he was dealing with, Gouge carefully prowled around the new Account Manager’s cubicle, eyeing him suspiciously, before moving in for the kill and talking with him briefly. He leaned against the cubicle wall carrying a black mug of coffee.

“So, you’re the new guy, huh?” Gouge asked.

“That’s me,” the Account Manager said. He reached out his hand to shake, but Gouge eyed it with disdain. Seconds later, he lowered his hand.

“Well, welcome to the team. Be careful of these other guys. They can be kind of tricksy. If you need anything, you be sure to come to me. I’ll take good care of you,” Gouge said with a wink.

At press time, two Account Managers quit due to the poor work environment, allowing Gouge to wait in silence for his future prey.

[insuranceinquisitor]

Claims Department an Answering Machine in Solitary White Room

NEW YORK, NY - Stating they wanted to stay nimble, keep costs low, and stay up to date with the latest technology while providing the best customer service in the market, Lemonade Insurance Company CEO Daniel Schreiber admitted their claims department consisted of one small white room with a table and an answering machine.   

"Right now, our priority is to show we are fully capable of answering the phone and taking claims. The answering machine idea came up in an executive meeting. I really think it'll be ground breaking in claims,” Schreiber said. When customers call to make a claim, they are greeted by the CEO's voice. He instructs them to leave their name, number, a brief reason for their call, and that he'd get back to them as soon as possible. "It took me a few tries to get the voice and message right, but I think I nailed it in the end. At first, I thought if I sang a catchy jingle it would make our company more relatable, but after twenty or so tries, I just stuck to the basics.” When asked if he really does call back, the CEO laughed and said, "No.” At press time, the number of unheard messages reached 99, the maximum number available before all other calls are cast into an unknown void.

[insuranceinquisitor]

Upset by Lack of Insurance Movies, GEICO CEO to Pen Script

CHEVY CHASE, MD - Saying that he's fed up with Hollywood and their obsession with police officers, doctors, firemen, and superheroes, GEICO CEO Tony Nicely got right to work penning his first script for a full-length feature about an insurance man. 

"It's a mix between a drama and a vampire love story. It’s about a vampire who works as an Insurance Adjuster finding ways to payout as little as possible on policies to save his company money while also falling in love with a Claims Rep," said the GEICO CEO. 

Further details about the script were kept under lock and key, but he indicated several studios were eager to read it and hire a director immediately. He resented the lack of diversity toward insurance types and desperately wanted to change that. 

"People of all occupations need to be represented, I think. Insurance is a ripe field just waiting to be examined and written about. Who better to write a script than an Insurance CEO?" His social justice following has grown to a solid 10 people on twitter, but he expects to have more in the coming days. When asked who he wanted to be the director, he shrugged. "I think I'd like that M. Night Shyamalan guy to come on board or maybe Michael Bay. Not sure yet. Most of the script just follows the vampire around as he quenches his thirst for blood with the ever expanding profits of his insurance company and his love for the claims rep. Maybe Shyamalan can throw in some good twists like the Claims Rep ends up hating her job and the vampire doesn't know how to handle it. Lots of good stuff to explore." At press time, Nicely crumpled up his manuscript and threw it away when it interfered with his golf game.

[insuranceinquisitor]

Waiting 3 Hours to Report Sleigh Insurance Claim, Santa Puts Liberty Mutual on Naughty List

NORTH POLE - Thrumming his fingers to the beat of Jingle Bells while checking his candy cane wristwatch for the third time, Santa Claus passed another thirty minutes on the phone with Liberty Mutual's claim line. "They're on the naughty list. I have a big chunk of coal with their name on it!" said the not-so-jolly elf in the red suit. Earlier in the week, in preparation for his global delivery of billions of gifts, Santa suffered a collision with his lead reindeer, Dasher, while operating his sleigh. Dasher is believed to be in stable condition, but the sleigh's front runners were irreparably bent.

Once he confirmed his mobile equipment policy covered the damage, Santa called Liberty's claims department only to be greeted by slow, 90's jazz music. When asked about the company's excruciating hold times, a Liberty spokesperson said on the phone, "The lines get very busy during the holiday season. Oh wait, could you hold for a moment?"

"Maybe if they weren't at meetings all day they'd answer the phone. I flew by last week and instead of having joy and Christmas cheer, they were talking about how to solve problems with claims. Here's an idea--answer the phone!" Santa said, twirling his long beard with one hand and slamming the dashboard of his sleigh with the other.

According to a recent survey released by the University of Minnesota, Liberty Mutual has consistently scored below average on Santa's favorability scale and been on the naughty list for the past six years. Poor claims service, increased premiums each year, and soul-crushing meetings were the main factors responsible for the package of coal under Liberty's tree.

At press time, Santa remained on hold with Liberty, listening to the somber notes of Kenny G's soprano saxophone while he scoured a competitor's insurance website for instant quotes.

[insuranceinquisitor]

Insurance Peon Honestly Happy with Job, Life

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - After completing his fifth quote that day and moving on to other menial tasks, insurance pawn Bob Quill told reporters he was happy with his life and job. "I'm totally satisfied and content. I come in each morning, type away at my computer, plugging in data that a toddler could do, and I make a living. What else is there in life?" Quill said, clipping his toenails at his desk. Graduating with a 2.9-grade point average at North Hennepin Community College and earning a degree in liberal arts, Quill didn't know where to put his skills to work at first but quickly learned the best place for him was insurance. His resume included skills like "Fast Typer" and "Certified Data Entry Expert", giving him a leg up in the hard-hitting world of insurance.

"I couldn't be happier. Having such a satisfying and life fulfilling job really helps justify to my wife, family, and friends the amount of debt I racked up those past four years," stated Quill. "Plus, insurance is a fascinating industry. You take peoples money and tell them you've got their back if an accident occurs. How cool is that?"

Quill told reporters that he once dreamed of becoming an astronaut, but after seeing his grades in high school and college, realized he needed to lower the bar and set his sights on more achievable goals to satisfy his inner desire to feel accomplished. Once he found an all-powerful corporation to plug into, and act as a tiny cog in an ever-churning money machine, he felt like he had arrived. In his mind, life couldn't be sweeter.

"This is exactly what life's all about," he said, completing a list of two-hundred MVRs. "Working for a massive corporation that doesn't know my name. What more could you want? Besides, you can really feel that this company cares about all of us and not just sacks of flesh with fingers pounding in mindless data for their bottom line. Yup, I'm really living the dream."

At lunchtime, sources indicated Quill ranted about his boss Martha and her apparent lack of respect for the quality data entry he provides each day. 

[insuranceinquisitor]

Insuranace Adjuster Lies About Job to Avoid Awkward Stares

SAN BERNARDINO, CA - Hoping to stave off the shame and guilt he felt while attending his wife's art gala, local insurance adjuster Sam Dawson, 41, reportedly lied frequently about his job to avoid awkward stares. Also noting his pain and embarrassment of holding people's lives in his hands and radically devaluing them, Dawson stuck around the punch bowl and hoped no one would make small talk with him. "You'd think making a living wage and doing work would be enough, but oh man, the moment I mention 'insurance adjuster' I get these glossy, awkward, hate filled stares like I stole their cat and punched it in the face," Dawson said. Being married to a successful artist and philanthropist didn't make Dawson's life any easier. While in conversation with her friends, the moment local poet Zane Callaghan asked Dawson what he did for work, reporters indicate Dawson tensed up, licked his lips, and said, "I'm a high school janitor."

"Oh, hey, that's good honest work," Callaghan said with a smile and a pat on Dawson's shoulder.

"He's always lied about his work," Marsha Dawson, 38, said with a heavy sigh. "I actually don't mind. Those stares are uncomfortable for me, too."

The first unbearable look came when Dawson worked for Travelers Insurance on January 12, 2013, but intensified upon being promoted to an Insurance Adjuster. He'd made the mistake of telling his Uncle Gary about the promotion at a Christmas party. Dawson told reporters his uncle's stare felt like he'd stabbed him with a fire poker.

By the end of the gala, news of his real occupation spread after Callaghan looked him up on LinkedIn.

[insuranceinquisitor]

Chubb Insurance Company Admits Still Insecure with Body Image

Arching its back with one hand on its hip and a frown on its face as it looked into a body length mirror, Chubb Insurance Company admitted Monday that it's still insecure with its body image. "I like tawtally think I'm a fat cow, ahkay?" Chubb said, grabbing a chunk of its stomach fat. "I mean, can you believe thas? How am I ever going to present a liability policy looking like an orca whale?" Though it had cut the fat by letting go of thousands of talented and hard-working employees, Chubb still wasn’t able to be comfortable with its heavy body. "Lawk I so swear that if I lost all the weight I'd be so happy,” Chubb said, letting more workers go that day. Sources reported early Tuesday that Travelers and AIG told Chubb they should embrace their body image, change their name to Chubb Chubb, and get it over with.

[insuranceinquisitor]

11 Tips for Purchasing Auto Insurance

1. Believe everything Flo says. Her knowledge of insurance is unprecedented.

2. After you pay the giant insurance corporation your tithes and offerings, be sure to head over to the local confessional and tell the priest of your idolatry.

3. A deductible is the equivalent of a clown's laughter echoing in the cold, autumn wind. You want to escape it at all costs, but the clown always wins.

4. Pick the accident forgiveness plan.

5. As you sift through several quotes from various insurance companies, you'll want to ask yourself a few questions: Is fast and convenient claims important to you? Are you willing to pay larger premiums in exchange for top-notch customer service? Is it better to jump out of a window from a tall skyscraper or be hit by an oncoming freight train?

6. The last thing you want to do is think how you could be paying for your son to play hockey with that insurance premium rather than giving your hard earned dollars to really, really rich dudes that easily pay for their sons to play hockey.

7. Mayhem lies in wait at all times. Car accidents kill. You'll probably die tomorrow in your Honda Fit and no insurance policy will save you. Always stay in constant fear of calamity.

8. Probably a good idea to get roadside assistance.

9. Contemplate what the world might look like if the government required you buy a pair of Zubaz and wear them every week.

10. Be honest. Money's tight. Your car sucks and you've seriously considered slamming on the breaks to get into an accident and force someone else's insurance company to buy you a new one, haven't you? Haven't you, you dirty liar!

11. Make sure the insurance company provides the option to print your insurance policy from the convenience of your own home so you can have plenty of tinder for weekend bonfires.

[insuranceinquisitor]

Bad Boy Insurance Agent Ignores Calls from Contractor Looking for Another Certificate

MIAMI, FL - Sitting in his cramped cubicle on the fourth floor of the Arthur J. Gallagher insurance agency, bad boy insurance agent Mike Rahl stared at his office phone’s blinking red light with utter disdain. "No. It's the fifth time they’ve called this morning. I haven't even had my coffee yet."

AZX Drywall Ltd, a drywall contracting firm was notorious for its insatiable need for Certificates of Insurance. With numerous contracts throughout the Miami metro area--at least 15,000 or more by Rahl’s estimation, AZX Drywall Ltd treated him like their personal certificate slave. "They never stop getting contracts. How many people need drywall installed in this city anyway?"

The contracting firm's annoying penchant for new prospects saddled Rahl with a never ending workload of certificates requiring General Liability, Property, Umbrella, and Worker's Compensation coverages. To make matters worse, the megalomaniacal contractor required a bevy of manuscripted forms that Rahl must manually fill out, requiring constant phone calls about revisions when obscure details are missed. "I think they called me ten times yesterday. I don't even talk to my wife that often," Rahl admits.

As a personal protest against AZX's lust for more contracting jobs, Rahl took a stand against the firm, leaning back in his chair, putting on black sunglasses, kicking up his feet, and ignoring their phone calls and email requests. "It's Friday and I don't care anymore," he said, after picking up the ringing phone and slamming it down on the cradle. When asked about the possibility of losing such a profitable client for his defiance, Rahl stated, “Man, I hope so. You think they’ll move their coverage? Because that would make me dance in the street.”

As of press time, Rahl received an additional fifteen calls and six "nastigram" emails from AZX Drywall.

[insuranceinquisitor]

I Don’t Understand Insurance, but I Know It’s Evil

I Don’t Understand Insurance, but I Know It’s Evil By Graham Rooney

I consider myself a fairly well educated and well rounded person. Completing my bachelors degree in Russian Literature at Dartmouth, publishing several research papers in well respected journals, and finishing first in a marathon are just a few of my proud accomplishments. I can easily cook an entire Thanksgiving meal for my family, invest in stocks and bonds with general proficiency, and speak french with relative ease in Paris. However, I readily admit that I don’t understand insurance, but I know it’s evil.

Listen, I’m not one of those religious fanatics that believes in absolute moral truth or that some epic battle is waging between good and evil. As a proud liberal, free thinker and philosopher, I’ve come to conclude that morality is relative to the culture, context, and environment you’re in, not some innate, apriori knowledge handed down from on high. By becoming better communicators, by understanding each other, and by vanquishing the evils of insurance, can mankind transcend morality and live in harmony together.

Of course, I can’t say I know a thing about insurance nor do I want to dive into that foul, boiling cesspool. It almost feels like yesterday when I stood face to face with that cancerous tumor smiling at me in a State Farm Insurance Agency. At the age of 18, I set out to buy my own car. Having worked two summer jobs, I saved every last penny to make a down payment on a 1974’ Ford Mustang. “Make sure you get auto insurance,” I was told by the dealership. Even then, when I didn’t know insurance and it didn’t know me, I could hear gnashing of teeth and smell a putrid odor like the bowels of a rotting corpse were sliced open.

“Since your car is fairly old, I would recommend merely putting liability on it,” said the agent, his eyes a deep shade of red as he cackled and howled into the night.

“So, what does that mean?” I asked, not understanding insurance.

“Well, if you hit someone’s car, we’ll help pay for the liability damages.”

“And if I don’t hit someone?”

The agent’s grin grew three times the natural size, his teeth protruding out of his mouth like an incubus, and his tongue wriggling like a long, venomous snake. “Then no one pays anything, of course.”

“So, I get my premium back at the end of the year?”

“Well, no.”

“Why do you keep it?”

“You’re paying for these coverages in the event of an accident, sir.”

“And if that event doesn’t take place, I get my money back.”

“No, sir, I don’t think you understand.”

He was exactly right. I didn’t understand. But I knew of the pestilent boils and the lacerations on his slimey frog flesh. I saw the irredeemable soul underneath his vile exterior, pulling me into his sticky web.

“Well, maybe I just won’t get insurance. Thank you for your time.”

Little did I know the evil sunk deeper as the agent informed me it was illegal to drive without auto insurance.

[insuranceinquisitor]

Insurance Meeting Agenda Includes Long Silences, Awkward Laughs

After receiving an email notification about her weekly team meeting, Yolanda Gonzales, Account Manager for Liberty Mutual, told reporters that the agenda would include long silences and awkward laughs. The agenda also included: Discussing Equipment Breakdown, How to properly rate Earthquake, and the upcoming chili cook-off.

"Talking about rating Earthquake is almost always followed by long silences," Gonzales told reporters early. "Sometimes, staring into the middle distance for a few minutes is on the agenda, too. I guess this time might be different. We'll see."

In a failed attempt to bring levity and boost morale, Operations Assistant Vice President Kathleen Howser loved throwing in wacky statements and upbeat jokes to the table. Sources indicate insurance puns were her favorite weapon of choice.

"Yeah, Kathy tries to throw out a cute joke or two. I try to laugh, but it's impossible to make it authentic," said Derek Isles, 24.

Among the employees surrounding the large meeting table included Randy Worms who, many of his colleagues told reporters, excelled at the awkward laugh followed by a schmoozing remark. "Ha! Ha!" Randy said, "You're the best, Kathy."  

As the meeting ended, Howser remarked she'd put "Question life's apparently lack of meaning" in the agenda for next week which brought up an unscheduled long silence. At press time, all employees attending the meeting shuffled out of the room like cattle back to their stalls.

[insuranceinquisitor]

Underwriter Addicted to Throwing Rater Under Bus

Unwittingly making an error entering in class code 8810 instead of 8842, Mark Barnaby sent a workers’ compensation quote over to the Jack Thomson, the underwriter addicted to throwing the rater under the bus. Catching the error almost immediately, Thomson inhaled through his nose like he just snorted a line of cocaine off a tray, patted his face, and grinned from ear to ear. Thomson, reported to be giddy like a school boy, wasted little time to contact Barnaby's immediate supervisor, writing a seething email about the error.

"It's like such a rush, you know?" Thomson said, sitting in his office with his feet kicked up on his desk. "I see an error and my head goes into a tailspin of euphoria, excitement, and joy."

The email detailed the error followed by several paragraphs damning Barnaby to an eternity of insurance shame, sucking all respect and credibility away from Barnaby until he's lost the will to live and throws himself out of a window at a location of his choosing.

"Anytime these morons make an error, it's like they just laid a Christmas present at my feet with a loaded revolver inside. I can't help but pull it out and shoot it, right? Who wouldn't do that?" Thomas said, pointing his finger and smiling.

At press time, Thomson sent the email to Barnaby’s supervisor without capital letters, punctuation, or proper spelling.

[insuranceinquisitor]

Inquisitor Starts Mission of Insurance Satire

His journey begins now.

From the bowels of greed, numbers, and way too many meetings, the Insurance Inquisitor was born, hungry to tell the masses of the grave injustices he had witnessed in the deep chasms of cubicles and spreadsheets.

At first he was but a lowly peasant, wide eyed, and full of vigor for the world and future ahead, but it wasn’t long before the dull teeth and iron jaws of insurance slowly gnashed his body, mind, and soul into an unrecognizable pulp.

Like a fiery phoenix, endowed with purpose and new mission, the inquisitor was reborn and eager to start his journey, sounding the gong of retribution. He would be the town crier, traveling the streets of the internet and telling the stories of old about the great dragon of greed and his insatiable hunger for every human life.