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@intentionaltrips
we drive to berkley so you can buy molly from my friends friend and of all the things i was expecting from this weekend, sitting in the same space as both of you at the same time was not it.
unwitting cuckold; california standard.
everyone's sleeping with everyone and only half the people know it.
that july afternoon, no wives in sight.
only me. and you, and him, and his friend with the molly and the power tools and the patio we sipped beers on all afternoon and the dog who really was so sweet.
when it's time to go, he squeezes me extra tight and tells me to have fun as he sends me off with you. we head back south across the bay bridge, drugs in your pocket, doordash open in my palm. i reach across the car and touch your neck as you drive and i'll always wonder if that was the moment that was too much.
a month later i'm back in the bay and you're nowhere to be found and i end up at a dinner party with him and his friend with the molly and both of their wives are around this time and both of their wives invite me into their beds that night. but i sleep on the sofa, just like you did. after we ate shitty mediterranean food and had bad sex and you said it wasn't me, you just couldn't sleep next to someone. and so you let me sleep in your bed while you slept on the couch and i felt really fucking weird about it but everything about that summer felt really fucking weird so maybe this was just what people do. maybe some people sleep on the couch after having sex and maybe some people sleep on the couch instead of having sex and maybe some people spend their weekends fucking each other husbands and maybe i can only fuck your husband when you aren't around and here i am in the middle of all of it so maybe i am some people too.
and maybe i'm not cut out for california or maybe i'd been living in my head too long or maybe nothing could have felt normal that year even if it had been. and even though you faded with time, the doors you helped open stayed flung wide for years. and even though it had nothing to do with you or him or the friend with the molly or either of their wives, the crossroads had finally come. and even though you slept on the couch and were kind of an asshole, i'm so grateful to you.
and he still loves me in a way that is truly so rare. and his wife still texts me asking me to come play. and that, i think, is the difference. because, yes, both of us slept on the couch.
but they still welcomed me in.
-------------
san francisco
july / august 2020
the layers and layers and layers of the journey only reveal themselves when it's time, when we're grounded enough in what's come to pass to bring on the new.
as i've been grounding into this next phase of the journey—the one where everything internal becomes external—it has been this beautiful and wild ride of living simultaneously on multiple timelines within my own being. it's something i've been doing both actively and passively for years now, but before it was always as part of the healing. present me going back to past me to save her, in a sense. to understand her.
now, it's present me accessing the timeline of past me to tell her story, to share what she learned in those moments. to set her free in an even deeper way.
it isnt memory. it isnt even close to memory.
it's fully living in a split screen of then and now, when i choose to.
it's my present body as the vessel for the experience of the past.
it's really amazing to experience, and it can be a lot to navigate. in the most brilliant way.
but sharing the experience of present me sharing the experience of past me is part of the process too, apparently. this Russian doll life of mine that never seems to cease in intricacy.
all things are one.
i am here, i am there, i am everywhere.
and isnt that the most beautiful of things?
you're doing great.
i love you.
intentional trips
march - april 2021
leaving the country in secret, following the pull that only my heart understood. stepping into a current that would take me on a journey through every layer of my being, around the entire planet, picking up the pieces of myself i had lost along the way.
traveling unguided and unbound was no stranger to me; i had wandered free my entire life. no plans, no maps.
but this time was different. this time came with the an openness and a yearning and a vacancy i had never quite known.
this time came when i knew, even if i was too afraid to yet admit it to myself, that there would be no going back.
✨
i'm telling the whole story. every piece. every element.
read my entire journal on patreon, or follow me here and across platforms to see the magic unfold.
you may veer off course a thousand times, but you will come home to yourself a thousand and one.
keep going.
keep listening to the call of your heart.
she's always there waiting for you.
you're doing great.
i love you so much.
we heal so we can be human again. and boy, is it strange sometimes.
you're doing great.
i love you.
*i want to acknowledge, in this video and always, that traveling and living in foreign countries is a privilege. this place is not mine. i have no right to it. to the best of my ability, i support and engage with local people and economies and try to keep my footprint as small as possible, while reveling in the beauty and magic of a people and a place. travel with the awareness that you are always a guest. live with the awareness that you are owed nothing; that nothing belongs to you. and, most importantly, live with an open heart.
a different way exists. if you feel it in your heart, it's waiting for you.
*i want to acknowledge, in this video and always, that traveling and living in foreign countries is a privilege. this place is not mine. i have no right to it. to the best of my ability, i support and engage with local people and economies and try to keep my footprint as small as possible, while reveling in the beauty and magic of a people and a place. travel with the awareness that you are always a guest. live with the awareness that you are owed nothing; that nothing belongs to you. and, most importantly, live with an open heart.
you're doing great.
i love you.
everything that is meant for you will come to you. and you must move toward all that is meant for you.
full trust. full surrender. and agency over your path.
it is all of it.
what you seek is seeking you.
i love you.