consumed

It's drowning me in waves pulling me down i'm suffocated.

[reasonsforhope]

"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good."

—John Steinbeck

[internalstruggles]

i can't sleep without thinking about your arms around me.

[internalstruggles]

i just wanna sleep but i can't seem to get comfortable. my mind keeps racing, overloaded with paranoia. i used to find solace in dreams waiting until 11:11 to wish for your arms around me. the only thing that holds me together now is the comfort of your warm words, but even i know that i've long overstepped my bounds. i'm sorry to be this way. i just want to sleep again.

[internalstruggles]

five minutes ago i took a handful of pills to numb this headache. i washed them back with a shot of vodka and glass of dr pepper. i had to swallow down my vomit at the mixed taste. but nothing is more bitter than my feelings for you. so i took a few more pills hoping i would forget your face. but so far all i’m left with is trembling fingers and a burning stomach to go with my aching head.

[internalstruggles]

I don't know what it's like to be in love but I really like this guy and I don't want to have romantic feeling for him because friendship is too important to me

[internalstruggles]

i lost myself  somewhere and i’m only looking for you.

i don’t care where i disappeared to anymore. i’m so fucking lonely and it hurts so so so much.

i miss you. i miss me. i miss us.

but

if i am able to lose my own self so easily, how the fuck will i ever find you again?

[internalstruggles]

and i'll just keep pretending that you're talking to me, so i dont have to feel this lonely. and i'll just keep pretending that you want to touch me, so i dont have to feel this lonely.

[internalstruggles]

sometimes i dream about what it'd be like to have friends..

[internalstruggles]

i wish.. that my hands did not shake and my voice did not waver. if only my knees did not wobble and my lips stopped their quivering.

maybe then i could talk to you and tell you how it feels.

[internalstruggles]

i wish i could be confident

[internalstruggles]

i don't know what i'm doing. it's hard to keep trying when unsure of the goal. what reason is there to keep going? they said it's all so close but everything is so very far

[internalstruggles]

[internalstruggles]

.

[internalstruggles]

i haven't slept in a couple days my eyes are burning. i thought from tiredness but i blinked a bunch now my cheeks are damp. im crying again, though im not sure why. today a friend of mine said "well he was a piece of shit anyways. so don't feel bad" but that only makes me sad. i ordered fifty dollars worth of sweet bread online when it arrives i cant eat it. today has been weird. maybe tomorrow will be better if not-- then maybe the next day or the next one after that.

[internalstruggles]

today, the winds shifted. there's a storm coming. how odd that it lines up with the people around me changing. hm.. i think there's big trouble brewing somewhere.

[internalstruggles]

i fucked us up by fucking him instead of fucking you. i should've apologized to you both but i didn't want too.

[internalstruggles]

maybe i'm just not meant to have friends and maybe i'm just not meant to hold conversations maybe it's because i have nothing to say or maybe sometimes things just need to end. maybe that's okay or maybe it's not. maybe my life is always gonna be like this. just a whole bunch of second guessing and sleepless nights maybe..