#is:p

[internalstruggles]

five minutes ago i took a handful of pills to numb this headache. i washed them back with a shot of vodka and glass of dr pepper. i had to swallow down my vomit at the mixed taste. but nothing is more bitter than my feelings for you. so i took a few more pills hoping i would forget your face. but so far all i’m left with is trembling fingers and a burning stomach to go with my aching head.

[internalstruggles]

i wish.. that my hands did not shake and my voice did not waver. if only my knees did not wobble and my lips stopped their quivering.

maybe then i could talk to you and tell you how it feels.

[internalstruggles]

i fucked us up by fucking him instead of fucking you. i should've apologized to you both but i didn't want too.

[internalstruggles]

maybe i'm just not meant to have friends and maybe i'm just not meant to hold conversations maybe it's because i have nothing to say or maybe sometimes things just need to end. maybe that's okay or maybe it's not. maybe my life is always gonna be like this. just a whole bunch of second guessing and sleepless nights maybe..

[internalstruggles]

i've been thinking a lot and today he asked me why do you even need friends? and it made me think more and more and more until my head hurt and my heart was aching and i concluded that i don't really know the real point in having friends. all i do know is that i don't like being so fucking lonely all the time.

[internalstruggles]

my hands are shaking i second guess everything. the pit of my stomach has fallen out. i have no restraints nothing to hold me back but absolutely nothing is there to push me on. i don’t want to try anymore. i want to go to sleep. i’m going to sleep until i’m happy.

[internalstruggles]

what i said was ‘love me’ but what i meant was ‘give me all your attention’ and ‘stop talking to them’ what i mean is im angry not just at you, but myself too. im annoyed that i complain  and do nothing to change it. ‘i like you’ i say but what i mean is that i want all your attention but only until i find someone who gives it to me better.

[internalstruggles]

i thought i was doing well not thinking of you but look at this i couldn't even make it seven hours into the new year without crying over you again.