All Things Bright And Beautiful

Me llamo Valeria y la gente no sabe pronunciar bien mi nombre.

[neckkiss]

St. Elmo’s Fire (1985)

[intheaftermathh]

of love & monsters

I know it’s probably because I’m getting my period soon, but everything feels so intense right now.

Maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t taken my antidepressants in over a month; perhaps it’s because tomorrow is my birthday, and birthdays always seem rather sad for some reason.

I had been taking my medication for over a year, and I had made progress. However, some people told me I shouldn’t rely on them, and some others told me I should not allow the devil to make me feel anxious or depressed (idek what that means).

And I know they mean well, but that perpetuates shame and this idea that if I want to get better, I will. And I want to, but it’s so hard. I can’t simply turn it off or on.

I feel like the world is spinning so fast, and I can’t hold on tight to anything. And I push people away, and I hide shamefully. I can’t have a solid faith, and thus I feel as though I don’t deserve any of the good things in my life. 

I don’t know how to have a healthy relationship with myself because I’ve been taught that inside my heart reigns total depravity — and how can you love someone so evil?

My heart is filled with love for others and joy for their achievements, but when it comes to me… well that’s a different story.

I don’t know how to love myself, and that aches me.

[radioheade-moved-blog-blog]

women arent complicated youre just dumb

[delusgs]

[juansendizon]

[okanb]

[sagebetweenthepages]

[sagebetweenthepages]

[veiligplekje]

[sagebetweenthepages]

[worshipgifs]

[animatedtext]

[aestheticcc-blog]

[darkacademiathings]

[intheaftermathh]

I am overwhelmed

Depression is all-consuming. It has no space to spare. Or at least, this has been the case for me. I have been struggling with finding joy in life, seeing the beauty in people, and seeing goodness in myself.

Doing very simple tasks has become so difficult. I have no motivation. It’s unbearable. I am angry at myself for not having motivation, but I am learning to be kind to myself.  

After many years of avoiding medication, I finally decided to follow my doctor’s directions. It has been very helpful, but it’s still a daily struggle. I don’t think I will ever be the same person I was. But I think that is ok. 

There is nothing beautiful about depression. There is nothing romantic about it. And I don’t ever want to be a person who romanticizes her illness. Nonetheless, I have been trying really hard to see the silver lining. As I continue to struggle with depression, I am reminded of the solid community I have, of how gracious and patient my boyfriend is, the privilege I have to be able to afford meds and therapy, how wise and supportive my roommate is, how my brain can unlearn negative thought patterns. But most importantly, I have been reminded of my resiliency. 

I am clinging to the promise that I will see better days. Even if it does not feel like it. And for that, I am thankful.

[yourdailydoseofcaffeine]

[libertyninteriors]