If you leave me alone with my mind and a computer

[inthedarkestcornersofmymind]

Just trust your gut and be Confident in your decision, don't change your mind just because someone else tell you their opionon, because it is just that, their opinion, not the rules of the universe.

In the darkest corners of my mind

[inthedarkestcornersofmymind]

I’ve been trying to let go of Control and trying new things, but instead of letting go of Control i find that I only learn to Control a new thing and that just strengthens my walls.

In the darkest corners of my mind

[inthedarkestcornersofmymind]

get over yourself, damn it!

[inthedarkestcornersofmymind]

Time to take charge over your own Life!!

[inthedarkestcornersofmymind]

you need to find a way to become more Confident in yourself and your desisions,

you do not need someone else to tell you that your idea is brilliant and you do not need to run away with your idea because you're scared someone might not like it.

Just trust your gut and be Confident in your decision, don't change your mind just because someone else tell you their ipionon, because it is just that, their opinion, not the rules of the universe.

make your own rules, learn to live with other people, withour being depending on other peoples opinions, you can have your own opinions, there's nothing wrong with that.

Don't hide them, stand for them, don't be ashamed, you'll feel so much better, and you'll be your own person, and that will make you a thousand times more interesting and attractive!!

[inthedarkestcornersofmymind]

i was really confused this summer, i'd talked to this guy for a couple of weeks, emails only, we really liked eachother i guess and i Always looked forward to his emails. then we met and he really wasn't my type. but was that really what i thought? or was i affraid that people wouldn't Think he was hot enough? i was really at a loss. I Think that i didn't fancy him, i Think that was my own feelings. but what if i found a guy that i really liked and i who i thought was handsome, would i be to afraid of what other people would Think? so afraid that i'd chose to not make a move?

I am kind of starting to realize that i have some kind of commitment problem. I am affraid to commit to Another person or thing, to get trapped, even if it's someone/something that i like, cause im afraid that someone else might not Think the same way as i do and that that will make me insecure and send me running.

The trapped thing i Think is stuck from my childhood, you shouldn't change your mind to much, id you Think something then you Think something, that's that. So instead of expressing my feelings i started to hide them, beacause then it wouldn't matter if i changed my mind, plus i would have some extra tim to figure out if what i was feeling was right or not.

i do know that there isn't any right or wrongs when it comes to feelings, and i know that feelings change. but it is really hard to break an old habit especially when my autopilot kicks in. I am trying to take Control over my own mind and to become more consiuos about what i feel, im fearing that some day not too far away i'll be like a robot constantly on autopilot, my consiousness trapped inside these high walls, to tired and scared to even try to get out.

that is why i write this, to will myself to feel and to find out who i am and what i feel. not just the norm or my mindghosts. and to learn to trust in myself and my feelings, to NOT turn and run away as soon as someone else tells me i'm wrong or if i Think that someone mightnt like what i'm doing.

i can not know what other people Think, and can thus not act accordingly, i need to trst that other people will tell me what they want me to do and what they Think. and when they do i need to Think about how i feel about it Before acting.

I am not a fucking fairy godmother who grants everyones wishes, and i am not a pushover. It is although okay to show feelings! both positive and negative ones, it doesn't mean that you loose just because you show your anger or sadness that someone else mad you feel, neither that they got you. it only means that you are a humanbeing and that they hurt you. stand up for your self god damnit! you can't expect someoneelse to do it for you! you do not Always need someone else to back up your feelings or acts, if you Think it's the right thing to do, then it is! there is no right and wrongs, only feelings! and screw up! what does it matter in 100 years anyway?? LIVE LIFE! and fuck the rest!

[inthedarkestcornersofmymind]

soo, I started this blog because I need someone to talk to about all the weird suff that goes on inside my head. i have alot of walls closing me off from the rest of the World. I've put them up myself, for one or Another reason, some known some unknown, and don't get me wrong, they're not all bad, but i'd really like t tear some of them down. with a sledgehammer. They have distroyed so much in my Life, i've missed out on so many things, because the walls and the voices in my head have told my to be or act in a certain way, to not embarasse myself or to not draw attention, to not get hurt, because that's what i Think other people would want me to do, or jst, i really don't know, it's fucking messed up.

During the last weeks or so i've been trying to Think back, trying to understand why i put up these walls in the beginning, it's really hard though, because either I've got amnesia or i've surpressed those memories so mch that i can't remember them anymore, or atleast he consious part of my brain can't.

something i have discovered though, and that i've probably known all along is that i'm very sensitive, it sounds weird to say it like that, but what i mean is that i have a hard time not reacting (on the inside) to what people say/do to me or even what i Think that other people might Think or might start to Think about me. this is the part that totally fucks me up, i put up walls so that what other people might Think about me wont hurt me and i also avoid things that might get other peoples attention or make them Think things about me that i don't want them to. This is as i know totally absurd, because i can't contro what other people Think not even about me, so instead i'm trying to form myself with these walls, making me nearly invisible or perfect, so that i can slip by unnoticed or delightful. Careful not to say what i actually Think if it's not appropariate, well hell, i barely even know what i Think or feel most times just because i've surpressed it for so long. instead of thinking on my own and knowing who i am and what i Think, i've been consentrating so hard on what other people might Think that  i mostly Think in facts, trying to analyse what the right thing to do or Think is. and i don't know how to stop.

the walls protect me from feeling and thinking, it's kind of like going on autopilot, i'm talking and doing things but it's the autopilot, not me and the autopilot is programmed to do whatever is right to do, to stay delightful and knd of unnoticed. Because that way people don't really Think that much about me, because they don't notice me too much, if at all.

I've been trying to let go of Control and trying new things, but instead of letting go of Control i find that I only learn to Control a new thing and that just strengthens my walls.