Dunno who needs to hear this, but we can’t imagine we are alone in this feeling. You are not your past. You are not the person who hurt people, you are not the person who lost people because you hurt them with your pain. You didn’t understand it then, you didn’t fully grasp what you were doing. It was all you knew. It’s awful that people suffered because of your scars, but the fact that you carry such a heavy weight even now shows just how much you regret it. That doesn’t change the past, that doesn’t earn you forgiveness from others, but you do not deserve to suffer. You do not deserve to die. You need to forgive yourself. You need to love yourself. It will take time, you’ll probably struggle with it your whole life, but you still deserve a life. You’re not that wounded caterpillar anymore, you are a butterfly.