[intjloop]

love coming back to this blog whenever I gaslight myself into thinking I was never depressed. hello to all that might still be on/returning to this hellsite 💫

[painisparadise]

“You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it”

— Alan Moore (via silent-tears-falling)

[fucking-voices-kill-me]

Stop the voices

[intjloop]

it is a weird dichotomy to both hate the truest parts of yourself but also resent the fact that you must deny the truest parts of yourself to appease societal conventions. like I wish i wasn't this way, but also, so what if I fucking am?

[intjloop]

logic: not everything is your fault you have to stop blaming yourself for everything

my busted neural synapses: ya so this is true for everyone except me. im so uniquely shit that all events can be tied back to my shortcomings. self reflection is key ❤️

[intjloop]

how do I reconcile a desire to have a career that lives up to my degree with my absolute inability to mentally withstand all forms of labor

[intjloop]

im really tired of being sad. i truly cannot believe I have to go on living....experience each day....for the rest of my life. i mean wtf.

[vixvigil]

turns out i simply cannot handle things or situations

[caseypaganelli]

“Perhaps depression is a concoction of regretfulness and numbness from the inability to act on the things you that mean the most to you.”

— @caseypaganelli

[jeromevalsska]

crying spells in the middle of the night that feels like there is no reason behind them but at the same time you have every reason,,

[intjloop]

i feel like its such a basic tenant of Christianity that any and all people, no matter their status or life path or sin, can find rest/love/forgiveness/peace in Jesus. That's the whole idea right. And I have been raised in that thinking and religion my whole life and it makes sense to me logically to be quite honest.

But then, anytime I am in one of my awesome! depressive! episodes! All of that goes away. Now, I think I am so far from God I can't be redeemed. I don't have eternity in my heart, only a desire to literally not exist in any plane of existence. How can someone with death in their heart be known by the One who grants the purest form of life? They can't! So here i am. Depressed & convinced that judgement has passed and positive I am eternally damned.

My brain impresses me sometimes. I cannot do anything properly in life, but if there's one thing I can do, it's form an emotionally fueled illogical thought process that I completely believe.

[intjloop]

sometimes I feel like I'm desperate for someone to tell me what's wrong with me. like I want to explain the reason behind everything because I'm so desperate to believe that the problem isn't just me. like wow maybe if I had some terrible illness that can be my explanation or maybe if I got hit by a fucking car that'll be why I cannot work at the level needed for my job. but it's like no, it's you girl. you are unable to handle most simple aspects of life and living because of who you are. and that's a really debilitating mindset to have.

[the2headedcalf-moved]

being in your early twenties is like [grocery shopping alone] [having instant noodles for dinner] [remembering random details about that one friend you haven't spoken to in five years] [feeling overwhelming guilt for every purchase that isn't strictly "necessary"] [having midday naps] [finding out through facebook that the girl who was mean to you in high school has a husband and a baby] [falling a little in love with every stranger on public transport] [pretending you're not afraid of being alone] [wondering when you'll feel like a fully realized person] [listening to bands you liked in middle school] [blinking and it's suddenly december] [failing to imagine yourself ten years from now] [feeling like you're running out of time]

[intjloop]

hello I'm here to say I'm alive and less sad. decided to mix things up and produce serotonin! exciting times.

[qqquixote]

*isolates myself* perfect! but why am i sad

[prettyonionbread]

*socializes* perfect! how do I get out of here

[walkingtravestybutstillsmiling]

Honestly having high functioning depression sucks. Like yes I’m going to do the thing but I’m going to think about killing myself the whole entire time.

[intjloop]

high functioning depression is truly a bitch. i mean WOW.