I heard her distantly cleaning up the kitchen down the hall as I still sat motionless on the edge of her bed. It was cold that day. Not the type of cold with wind or a slight drizzle. But the type of cold, where you walk outside and within seconds you feel the frigid air slowly make itās way through your clothes and pretty soon, itās taken over your body completely like a restraint of some sort, forbidding you to move. That type of cold.
She was walking back to the room, but must have forgotten something because I heard her footsteps take her back to the kitchen before she started making her way towards me again. When she came into the room, she closed the door halfway and took a seat on the side of the bed near the window. I didnāt look at her, not once. I was too busy memorizing the design of every floorboard beneath my feet. It was quiet for a while until the silence was broken by her voice. āHave you ever self harmed?ā, she asked looking out the window and gently grasping the bit of her sleeve that covered her wrist. I felt my throat tighten and it became harder to breathe again. āNo.ā, I answered, still looking downward. Silence filled the room once again, only this time for even longer. My body still didnāt move as it felt heavier for some reason. I didnāt fight it, though. All I could do was sit patiently and wait for her to speak first again because I sure as hell wasnāt. There was already a knot in the corner of my throat just aching to be set free, so surely if I did, Iād break down and start crying hysterically. And I wasnāt about to put that amount of pressure on her, not now. She didnāt need it.
I was still looking down at the floor when I saw her slowly turn her head towards me. So slow, almost as if it was painful for her to do so. āHow do you do it?ā, she asked me. She uncovered her wrist and started running her fingertips all along the mixture of worn out scars and freshly made cuts before she spoke, yet again, āHow do you go through this every day and not look for some kind of escape? I donāt understand.ā I lifted my head, which was harder than I had expected. My body ached and my neck throbbed. Fortunately, I was able to align my vision to where I was now facing the black bookshelf she had built when she was eight. āI was told not to.ā, I replied, āso I didnāt.ā I wasnāt expecting her to respond, or say anything for that matter. I just kept focusing on the collection of battered book spines that were neatly stacked and staring right back at me.
She caught me off gaurd when she moved in closer and rested her head on my shoulder. Man, she was so warm. āWho? Who told you not to?ā, she asked. The quiver in her voice made it seem like she was about to cry. In my mind, I was contemplating on wether or not I should tell her, to explain but I figured I trusted her enough. So I did. I told her that my ex girlfriend Vanessa, was the one who had kept me from hurting myself. That her mom had always suffered from self harm and would spend the majority of her time in the hospital, hooked up to several different machines all at once. I cared for Vanessa in such intense ways and she cared for me just the same. Which was why she had told me, that she never wanted to see me living the life that her mother was. She made me vow that Iād never bring harm to myself no matter how bad things got.
By the time I had explained all of this to Amber, my hands were wet with her tears. I really didnāt mind, despite her constant apologies. My body hurt like never before but I still had the strength to lift hers off of mine and begin to bear her in my arms while she weaped. She would always tell me how she admired the way I held her. As if both my arms acted as a barrier that wouldnāt allow the darkness to prey on what was left of her innocence. She was safe with me and I made sure of that.
I loved her. And she loved me, but she could never wrap her head around the idea that a person could love another who hurts themselves. Every day Iād try and explain to her that she made me better. That whenever I was with her, the voices in my head would somehow be filtered out and I didnāt feel like such a terrible person. She believed me, but was so broken and damaged, that she was never able to escape her doubt. Which was okay. I wasnāt so lucky, either.
I looked over at the clock on her nightstand. It was 3:54 pm. She had stopped crying and was now just breathing softly onto the exposed area of my collarbone. By that time, water had begun to fill my eyes and the sharp pain in my hollow chest was growing even bigger. I was trying so desperately to hold back the tears when she lifted her head and found my eyes with hers. āDonāt cry, Emma.ā, she spoke softly, āPlease donāt cry. I love you. So much.ā I saw the pain in her eyes. The pain of having to watch me struggle to survive on a day to day basis. I couldnāt stand to look at her that way, so I summed up every ounce of courage I had left and swallowed the knot that been sitting in my throat for the past two hours. The water in my eyes disappeared shortly after and a sense of relief now took over hers.
I was going to smile, or at least try, but before I could, she placed her cold palms on my cheeks and kissed me. Her lips were so soft and in that moment, time had completely froze. I felt my heart cave. It was like a rush of adrenaline that I never wanted to see the end of. Before I knew it, she had pulled away and was now looking at me like before. We stared at each other for the longest time in complete silence. Only I wasnāt just looking at her, I was looking into her. I saw her past and every obstacle that sheād ever overcame. Every scar, every wound. I saw her future and every tomorrow. āI love you, Amber.ā, I said as I brushed my hair over her ear.
Her eyes lit up, which they havenāt done in a very long time. And then something happened, something that had instantly changed my entire outlook on that day. She smiled. But it wasnāt one of those plastic smiles that she puts on every day to avoid suspicion. This one was genuine and one hundred percent pure. I know this because it was radiant. It gave off so much warmth, that for a moment I had forgotten what pain was.
I moved the rest of the strands of hair out of her face and wiped away the somewhat dried up tear trails on her cheeks. āYouāre going to be okay.ā, I reassured her, āWeāre both going to be okay. Weāre going to make it through this, you and me. Weāll finally be happy.ā She hugged me, really tight, too. I loved it. She was stroking my knee with her hands and it was the safest Iāve felt in the longest while. āYou promise?ā, she asked unsteadily. I just smiled and kissed her forehead before she buried her face into my neck once more. āI cross my heart.ā,Ā I whispered.
We sat there in each otherās arms with our hearts beating in unison. It was only in that moment that I knew that everything was going to be okay. This storm was soon going to pass because with her, there was no pain. No sorrow, no disappointment, no darkness. With her, the sun shone brighter and harder than ever before. I was completely in love and she was going to take care of me. She was going to take care of me and I was no longer afraid to live.
