Swearing, talk about death, hallucinations, suicidal ideation, paranoia
I fucking hate feeling like this. I know Iâm not logically, but I feel like and keep thinking Iâm still in the Death Game. Iâm so paranoid that if I mess up anything Iâm going to be killed. I have on a choker and absolutely hate it but I feel like I canât take it off, theyâll just kill me if I do. The people in the system are wearing the freaking collars as well so that I donât freak out and think theyâre dolls WHY CANT I JUST BE NORMAL.
I want to talk about this to someone, but I donât want to trigger anyone and everyone Iâve tried to talk to is either busy or also a Sara fictive and I donât want to put them through that. Iâve hallucinated the collar so many times so I put on a choker to try and stop it but that just sent me into thinking I was back in the death game.
I miss my source best friend Joe so badly. I know a system that has a Joe fictive but they already know a Sara, or 2 Iâm not sure. I donât know if they would be comfortable interacting with me and I donât want to complain about my memories of their his death to the person who actually experienced it.
Why do I remember the massacre ending? It only happens with a choice I WOULD NOT make but I remember making that choice. I was so done with the death game but I wouldnât make the choice to let everyone except Nao die. âYou did nothing wrongâ yeah I wish I could believe that. I did everything wrong, I let Kanna, Gin, and everyone else die. I went back to the game so I could play through a different route but that doesnât change what I remember doing.
I watched Joe die. I voted for him, knew he was the sacrifice and could only win if he was chosen as the victim. It wasnât enough though. I watched the wriggler worm things suck the life out of him, and extended his suffering by pressing that damn button over and over again. I knew it was pointless, slowly lost hope, but still kept clicking, thinking that if I just tried hard enough, pressed it a little bit quicker, I could save him. Miley never had any intention of letting me, but it was infuriating how close she let me get. I remember running over to him after, desperately trying to shake him awake, ignoring the blood that was staining my clothes.
I keep seeing those worm like things, thinking theyâre going to come for me next. I havenât seen hallucination Joe, but I remember it very clearly. âYou caused this, youâre the reason Iâm deadâ. I know itâs not right, but I find myself believing it. Kai tried to warn me not to go home, and I didnât listen. To be fair, he was stalking me but still. I dragged Joe into that mess with me. Maybe it would have been better if I had gotten the sacrifice card.
Maybe I shouldâve died instead
