Fortress Of Soltitude

Sometimes i just want an escape from everything, be alone with my thoughts and get to breath. Hi! I’m Kate, 25 years old. Welcome to my rabbit hole.

[invisiblegirl86]

New Chapter

Tomorrow a new chapter begins for me, I go back to school after a long time away from everything. Lately I’ve been feeling left out, like life is just flowing and I’m just drifting apart. I feel so disconnected from the world that I don’t really know where I fit into it anymore. I though the key was to throw myself into my work but still I don’t feel satisfied. It’s like there’s a hole in me where my joy used to be. Now with the purpose of starting over, I’m beginning a new chapter in my life. Who knows, maybe I end up making new friends along the way. Maybe it turns out okay, maybe it ends up being a disaster; however it turns out I’m determined to make it to the end. Wish me luck…

[invisiblegirl86]

Traitor

I've been struggling with wether or not i would write this because at frist i didn't knew what i could write than would describe how i feel about it, but i finally realized that whatever it was i would feel a little better once i let it out.

Turns out my BFF Kara just broke up with me, basically i invited her to bindge-watch a Netflix show i've been obsessed about because a new season was coming and i just wanted to have a friend who would watch it with me. And even though i was almost certain she would say no i though i should at least try, but as it turns out after she declined she told me than lately we're not on the same frecuancy and that is the reason why she lately has declined most of my invitations to do basically anything (when at the time she told me one excuse after another making me belive it was true). And that she would always be there for me emotionally but that we're adults now and we shouldn't get stuck with each other (more or less).

I admit after she told me i cried for a really long time, the truth is i have lost friendships before, it startes small with me suggesting we should get together and hang out or inviting them to watch a movie and one of them declining or all of them not responding at all, and at the end after many failed attemts i stop trying because ther's simply no point on keep trying. And all those other times they simply vanish without having the guts to tell me it's over, and i always thouth i would feel better it a friend ended things being hones with me, but now i feel even worse. Because after almost 12 years of friendship Kara simply decided it was over, after everything we've been through together: the firts time i went trick or treat was with her, we spent all of high school together, we had our frist drink together, we had sleepovers, car rides, baking, makeovers, birthday parties, my quinceañera, my mom's cancer, we cried together, thrugh all of college i helped her study for her english class, i even went to support her on her final college exam, we went to the movies a thousand times, we drank together, we went to the fair, she even took me to her grandmother's ranch. Hurt even more that she was my oldest friend, the one person who knew all of me and still accepted me for who i was, the one who i could tell everything without being afraid of being judged. I always knew we were so different from each other but that just made me love her more because despite all our differences she chose to be my friend.

And after all of that she just got tired of me!!!. Like the last 11 years didn't happen. Like i never really mattered. Nobody has ever hurt me like she did. And the worst part is that if it's really over i don't have anyone else. I'm all alone and if even the longest relationship i ever had failed, if the person who knew me the most doesn't want me anymore, Who else will? What chance i have that someone else will want me? I know i'm not easy, i've always been weird and i've never been good with people, and the few times i've come close to someone they end up leaving me. What's the point of even trying?

[invisiblegirl86]

Dark Cloud

I've been having a hard time talking about this, so i thought writing about it would make me feel better. My mom has cancer, a few days ago we found out and things haven't been the same ever since. Honestly, i'm scared, my mom says we need to stay possitive, but i don't think i can, i try not to think about it because when i do my mind starts to race thinking of a million things that could go wrong. Tomorrow she's leaving to go to a hospital on a city far away and on Friday she's having surgery to remove the tumor and after that they'll tell her what's next and if she needs to start chemo, so basically my dad and i are going to be alone for a while and that scares me more, my mom has always been there even when she works all day i know that she'll always come home but the thougth of not having her around for so long is terrifying. The other day she was teaching me how to do some stuff around the house, i honestly never wanted to learn because i always thought the day i learned would be the day i didn't need her anymore and now feels like a bad omen. Yesterday we were going to go on a road trip to get some clothes, but my godfather called my dad (who also knows about it, since my dad told him) and told my dad that if we were up for it we could meet at Eagle Pass and have dinner together, so we changed plans and went instead, turns out my godfather, my godmother and my cousin (who i almost never get to see because she leaves in San Antonio and is always working) all came, which was surprising, anyway, we went to Chili's and despite of a whole mixup with our order i actually had a good time, but still i could feel the dark cloud that was over us, because they all know about it and having the whole family worried and offering all their support just makes me worry more.

[invisiblegirl86]

Page One

A few updates on my part. A couple of weeks ago i started my service at the hospital, which basically means i'm stuck here for a year and to make matters more complicated i got into the hospital where my mom works and as it turns out John got assigned here too, well since he was like the secnd person to choos i thought he would choose eveyone's first choice which was a hospital on the city next door, but apparenty he's here with me, which truth be told i still can't decide if it's a good or a bad thing, i mean we're friends and all but sometimes he can be a little too much and kind of a know it all, which it's fine at the beggining, but it kinda gets old too soon and starts being annoying. On other news, i made a new friend at the hospital, Julie, with who i seem to have a lot in common, since our first day was basically just filling some paperwork and getting a tour, we spend all day talking, she's really likeable and if all goes well we might end up being good friends. Finally, i have mixed feelings about being assigned to this hospital, because besides my mom working here and sometimes feeling like she's suffocating me and having her around just makes it worse, i've been coming here since i was a little girl, and because of that half the hospital knows me, but to them i'll always be my mom's daughter before anything else. It's like my own identity doesn't matter, because they see me just for who my mom is and not for who i am and also means eveyone expects me to be just like her, to be absolutely perfect and anything less than that feels like a dissapointment for them.

[invisiblegirl86]

Crush

After a “crazy first day” at the hospital, the next week was so much better, because we’re still having classes we only go to the hospital on Friday, which is our free day at least from school, but probably after next week we’ll start going the whole week (well, at least from Monday to Friday). Anyway, back to the second day, thing went way better, for starters there were no blackouts this time, there are two operating rooms and we get assigned only one, so the work depends on the surgerys that each room has, this time i only had one and after a little while our classmates assigned to OB-GYN came to the operating room whith us, since they didn’t have any work, we got to watch a hysterectomy, which was pretty cool, but before any of that, my classmates and i started talking a little at lunch and weirdly i enjoyed it, usually i’m not so comfortable talking to people, at least the one i don’t know that well. But after a while, Evan asked me if Ben and i were “together” to which i got i little confused, apparently he once saw us together at a store and his entire group of friends think that we’re getting together. And sudenly the conversation turned into a motivational talk of them telling me to express my feelings to Ben, which i’ll admit i started considering, but when i got out of the hospital my mind came back to reality and decided against it. I mean, when i’m around Ben i feel good, he makes me feel like i belong and he’s always so kind to me, but i don’t think i want to risk that for the remote possibility that he feels the same. If something were to happen between us, it would’ve already; but there was an incident that i could consider a sign but i leave that for you to decide: “Once we were having lunch at our friends group table and Ben went to the cafeteria to buy something, after a little he came back with a candy bar and said that the luch lady gave it to him because he was pretty much the only one that thanked her for giving him the food, after that he said he didn’t liked chocolate and asked me if i wanted the candy bar to which i said yes, but when i opened it there was a message on the bar that was asking me if i wanted to be his girlfriend, i told the other and they just started shipping us together”, i know it’s a hell of a crazy coincidence, but it’s impossible he really knew what was in that candy bar, i mean, we barely even knew each other at that moment. If anyone out there has any advice i’lll be happy to hear it (or read it on this case).

[invisiblegirl86]

Crazy First Day

Recently as part of my nursing education we started doing practices at the hospital, which at first is completely terrifying, but after a while you start to get the hang of it. But this time in particular was a bit different, for starters i got assigned to the last place i would ever choose “the operating room”, so the first day i wasn’t really that excited to start and it’s safe to say the first day didn’t go in any way like i expected. Other two classmates were assigned with me, so at least i wasn’t alone and luckyl they weren’t the classmates that i can’t stand, they were actually pretty nice, but as always the day didn’t go much well after that, when we presented ourselves with the nurses and doctors of the morning shift they barely even looked at us, honestly i’m not even sure they actually remember our names, after that me and my classmates were having lunch when all of the suden the lights went out (which doesn’t gives me much confidence in that hospital), after a while the generator started working, but apparently air conditioning doesn’t qualify as “emergency need”, so basically the entire shift was like being in a sauna and not in a good way. I don’t remember ever sweating so much in my life and i learned that standing up for 6 hours makes you feel like you put your feet on top of broken glass. Of every “first day” i’ve had so far, this was definitely the worst.

[invisiblegirl86]

Awol

Recently i had an experience which truth be told i never imagine it would happen to me but on the bright side at least i wasn’t alone when it happened. A week ago me and Kara went to see a movie and when we got out it was already dark but we didn’t wanted to go home yet, so like many other times we went to buy drinks, it’s part of this kind of ritual we have, where we buy something (sometimes food, sometimes drinks) and we park on a place (usually outside her old house) and we spend the time talking and eating. This time we parked at her old house yet again, at first everything was normal, we drank a little, talked abut the week and anything else that came to mind, but after a while a truck parks next to us and it stays on, but since a man got out and went to a car in front of us (that assume was his) and just took something, went back on the truck and the truck just left i didn’t give it too much importance. But after a little while it came back and did the same, my friend Kara got a little suspicious, but i told her she was just exagerating. But things got weird after that, since the truck left again and th next time it came back parker right next to us and we got a bad feeling abut it, especially Kara, who told me to drive away since it was dark and the street was pretty alone at the time, so i drove like two blocks and then i turn everything off so if for some impossible reason they did were coming back for us they wouldn’t see us from away. But they did followed us to where we parked, which honestly didn’t help to calm Kara’s nerves, especially when one of the people of the vehicle got out and was coming toward us, at this point i’ll admit i got a little worried, so i just quickly drove away itno the street where there were cars driving by, but the truck started following us, but then they flashed some lights that kind a looke like police sirens, but they did look different from the one we’d seen before, so we weren’t sure if they really were cops, but after like three blocks i did pulled over, since driving away forever probably wasn’t the option. But to this point Kara was panicking and wanted to call her dad. But i told her to be cool and hide the drinks we had, just in case; so turns out they really were cops, even though they didn’t wear uniforms; first they asked why we didn’t pull over before and we just said we didn’t knew they were cops, which was true and their vehicle didn’t even looke like a police car, so turns out the reason they took interest in us was because of where we parked, because next to Kara’s old house lived a cop to who the people thata stoped us were assign to. And since to them my car was unknown they got suspicious, we told them it was Kara’s old house and that we parked there many times before and nothing ever happened, so at the end they just told u to pull over when a cop car stopped us and just left. After they left Kara was still pretty scared but i was able to calm her down, truth be told i did got a tiny scare but it wasn’t the time and panic wasn’t going to help Kara. At the end when she finally relaxed i took her to her house and went back home, by then my mom was already asleep and my dad was watching T.V, i didn’t tell them about it because i new this would somehow end up being my fault, so if i’m lucky they will never know. 

[invisiblegirl86]

Catching Up

Hello to whoever reads this, I’M BACK!!! A lot happened since the last time i wrote. I made a few new friends, like Owen, with who i have a few things in common truth be told he’s like an annoying little brother and sometimes he drives me crazy, but i wouldn’t want it any other way. My old friends Roman, Arianna and Maya recently reached out and we’ve been working on trying to go out together more, which thanks to our grown up lives has been more complicated than expected. A while back i started attending classes for a career on teaching, which i’ll admit first i wasn’t so excited about; but with time i started to get used to. Also, i’m about to finish nursing school, well at least the school and classes part, the next part i’m not particulary eager to reach. Many months ago i had a surgery which wasn’t a big deal but i though i should include it. On majors news i’m finally allow to drive by myself, which because of recent events has really come in-handy since recently i’m way busier, guess that comes with an adult life. Aloso i’m currently teaching at my school which i’ll explain later. And lastly resent events make me wonder if i should take a leap of faith toward a new possibility. 

[invisiblegirl86]

Look Up

Yesterday things went way better, i really think me and my friends from school really clicked, i wish the whole circle could be together, probably things would progress way faster if all of us where at the same place at the same time. Turns out John, Penelope and I have something in common; apparently the three of us are only childs. It’s not much but at least we have something in common. One of our teachers didn’r showed up, so we had two free periods and since were the last two clases they let us go home earlier, me and John shared the buss, since we’re both from the same city, we sat together and spent the ride talking, this might be the beggining of a beautiful frienship (fingers crossed). Now i’m more excited about the party on Sathurday, with any luck the other half will be there, with all the opportunities we missed for bonding, this one should be pretty memorable, i know i may be setting my expectations too high, but a little hope won’t do any harm.

[invisiblegirl86]

Step Back

Today things got a little weird, since every week only one half of the class goes to school, most of my friends circle at school are all guys, and that’s not something i’m particullary used to, to be honest i don’t really get guys, so to be surrounded by them in terms of friends makes me feel out of place, like they’re all connected at the same frequency and i can’t reach them, and it doesn’t make it any easier that at least for me, we’re still getting to know each other and starting to bond. I think the key to be threated like one of them is John, as far as i can see he’s the one calling the shots, so if i can get us to be closer and have a better relationship, then the others will follow, or at least i hope so, since he’s the only one of our half of the circle that lives on the same city i do we take the same bus, so i have a better opportunity to bond with him, today my plans got busted because my dad was near the school and offered to give me a ride home, so that was a missed chance, but there are still plenty more, so tomorow i’ll get into action, also there’s the party on Sathurday, so it’s the perfect chance for them to know me better, with a little luck things will start to look up soon (fingers crossed). Besides that first weirdness, i saw Cami again at school; it’s been more than a year that she hasn’t met with Roman, Arianna, Maya, and me. Even though she didn’t see me, it was weird to be close to her again, after everything she’s pulled on us, i don’t really know what to think of her, the last time i saw her was a couple of months ago, she reached out to me, but she only did it because she wanted back a book that she let me borrow, it’s always the same with her, she only talks to us when she needs something, at this point it’s pretty obvious her intentions are never what it seems. She’s still on our group chat, but she only answers when it’s convenient for her; also when it was our turn to go get vaccinated she sent a lot of crazy messages about her opinion on having to get vaccinated, and honestly she sounded like a total idiot. Apparently for some reason she doesn’t believe in Covid-19, to her it’s all a lie and an invention. In her own words she only went to get vaccinated because her mom made her go, if it had been up to her she wouldn’t had got it. After that, i don’t know what to think of her, before she was a little weird in her own way, and there wasn’t anything wrong with that, but now it’s like she’s in a whole different level. Truth be told, i don’t know if when things get more back to normal we’ll all still be friends, seems like right now something is broken between us, and i have no idea if we can fix it. Most days i wish we could go back to High School, everything was so much simpler there, it took us a while to build our friendship and some separated from the original group, but the ones that stayed became increadiblly special friends, those were probably some of the best years of my life, some say the friends you make at college are for life, but on my case it was High School that gave me some of the most important people in my life. So many good memories, sometimes i even miss the bad ones. All the time we had lunch together, passing notes in class, gossiping, walking around the school, doing presentations together, group projects, spending time at each other’s houses, even getting together to prepare for a test. I’ll give anything to relive all those moments, and maybe make some things right.

[invisiblegirl86]

Normal-ish

I’m finally back to “normal school”, or at least as normal as it can be considering the situation, at my school we’re coming back by hybrid mode. which means half of the class goes to school one week and the rest joins by videochat, and the next week we switch places. I’m happy to see my friends again, since before all of this started we were just getting to know each other and started building our friendchip; now some of them droped out of the school and moved on. From the ones that are left of our friends group i can only see half of them for the time beeing, sadly there’s a special someone i would like to get to know better, but right know, it feels like everything is pulling me apart from him. Back to my other friends, it seems like we’re becoming better friends, in fact i got invited to John’s birthday party, well we all did. I’m not sure if everyone from our circle will attend, guess i’ll find out on Sathurday. 

[invisiblegirl86]

Fairytale

At first i wasn’t much of a reader, but my cousin who is a complete book nerd (in the cool sense) inspired me to try something new a long time ago, after i started reading it felt like i had found something that was only mine, not for reading the books, but for digging deeper and deeper into all those magical stories. With a book you can travel to places you never could have imagined, it’s like the chaotic world dissapears and all that you can feel is beeing surrounded by wonder and beauty. Lately my life hasn’t beeing a ray of sunshine, so i can find my escape in the stories all those authors create; some give me happines, others pain and some give me a sense of adventure and excitement that makes all y problems go away. Honestly feels better to live through someone elses incredible life than to go everyday living in mine. My parents don’t get it, since none of them are readers like me, so no matter what happens of how things get with them i can always get away from them and enjoy a release.

[invisiblegirl86]

Pulling Apart

My friend Cami has been distancing from the rest of us, the last five times our group has gathered together she hasn’t come to a single one, birthdays, holidays or just random celebrations. She never shows up, since we all go to different schools we plan this reunions to stay in touch, even though they all live on the same city and i’m the one that lives in the city next door. Basically 99% of the time we get together at some place on their city, specially when we celebrate at one of their houses, besides the fact that my parents don’t know i drink nor do they want me to do it, so there isn’t really much logic for Cami to bail on us when it’s on her own city, last time she offered her house to get together, but separately i told one of our friends that is basically the “team leader” of our group (at least that’s how we see her) that as much as i want to believe her we can’t relly 100% on her, because there have been other times that we agree to reunite at her house and at the last minute she bails and apologizes and honestly her excuses get less believable each time. Even last year on her birthday she said she wasn’t gonna do anything because her parents were not on the best finantial situation; but last week that me and the other girls of our grup went to have dinner at a restaurant at my city, we were talking and we got to the topic of her long period of bailing and mentined her last birthday and  Arianna mentioned that after Cami said she wasn’t gonna do anything she said that we could pass to her house if we wanted to, but me and Maya told her Cami never said that to us (we mostly talk on our group chat) so we told her she probaby sent that text only to her for some unexplainable reason. Almost at the end of our reunion we discussed that since her birthday is next week and she still hasn’t said anything that one of us should “coincidentionally” should ask her if she’s planning on doing anything and if she says she’s not because she’s having financial prblems that we will all invite her to celebrate and we will pay for it as our gift to her so she can have a celebration, and we also contemplated the possibillity that she might refuse our money because she’s ashamed, but if she does we’ll find a way to convince her. If even after all we try she still refuses then it will be evident that she simply doesn’t want to be our friend anymore. So at the end she’ll make the decision for us. I guess i just have to wait to see what happens.

[invisiblegirl86]

Lost In The Wild

Recently i’ve been thinking about what i’m doing, and i realized that maybe this career is not meant for me. I’ve heard the story over and over of how my mom worked so hard to achieve her dream of becoming a nurse and how much she loves her job and how my dad fell in love with being a lawyer and i realize that is not my case. I don’t feel the same love and passion they do, and i don’t know if i should keep going on this path, i’m not sure what i’m meant to do, i thought maybe psychology may work for me but i’m afraid what my parents would think if i told them i want to study something else, or maybe i should stay where i am and hope that my passion for this will arrive at some point, i just want to study a career that truly brings me joy, whatever or wherever it may be.

[invisiblegirl86]

Spiraling

I thought that things were getting better, but it wouldn’t be my life if they stayed that way. My friend Cami is starting to separate from our group of friends, Arianna talked with her and she said it was for some family issues or that she was having financial problems, which it could be true since her dad just lost his job and since my dad is the lawyer for the company he worked for, he was the one that is supposed to give the employees their termination. And before that happened Cami called me and ask me if my dad could help, and i gave her my dad’s number and after that i didn’t heared from her until a few days later my dad told me her dad got terminated and now she’s not answering the messages for our friends group chat, before that happened we were planning our christmas party, and now i talked with Arianna and she said we should do it with the ones that can, becouse she talked with Arianna in person and she said it was okay if we did it without her, i feel kinda bad, but to be honest this isn’t the first time we get together without her, because there have been other times that she says she has personal problems and shouts us out, but her motives are always so suspicious, personally i don’t know what to believe from her anymore. Anyway, another situation is that me and Arianna like to hang out together just the two of us, is like our way to talk to someone about our problems or simply about what is going on in our lives recently, i don’t see the problem of it, but my dad doesn’t like that i go out with her, because he thinks she’s gay, he is very conservative about things like that and i told him a thousand time that it isn’t true, i even told him she has a boyfriend (i told him a while ago, when she DID had it, now she doesn’t); every time we plan to hang out and i tell my dad about it he doesn’t like it, a few time because of that i told Arianna we invite the others, a few times they accept others they were busy. Truth be told i did had a crush on her a long time ago, of course i never told her or anyone, specially i couldn’t tell my dad of all people, he is such an intolerant with things like that. So today i was going to give a class to Arianna’s cousin who is my student for my social service which is another story, anyway i told my mom about it and she was super cool about it, probably because she doesn’t think the same way my dad does and he probably never told her what he thinks about Arianna, so my dad went on a business trip with a college and i was really hoping he would stay out for a while so i wouldn’t have to tell him i was going out with Arianna, but unfortunately he came back early and i had to tell him, but i didn’t do it until we arrive at my student’s house, and as i was expecting he wasn’t very happy about it. After that we got into an argument and he says i lie to him, and that it’s suspicious and that he can’t believe me when i tell him Arianna is not how he thinks she is, and he also thinks i don’t tell him things and that i shuld trust him more, but honestly is not like he gives me much choice, if i lie to him is because i know him and he doesn’t like my friends, every time Cami cancells plans with me or the others and i tell him he criticizes her and that’s why when i make plans with her or any of my other friends i don’t tell him until the last minute, because if something goes wrong he talks about it over and over and he says that my friends are not good and a lot of other stuff i don’t want to repeat. I mean he wants me to trust him, but i know the kind of person he is and i know the way he thinks about certain stuff, like when i had a crush on Arianna, i know i couldn’t tell him and i don’t regret that i didn’t because i know how he would have reacted, and he can says that he loves me no matter what and that i can trust him with anything, but the truth is that he would have never forgotten me if i had told him and honestly i think he would have disowned me or tried to change me. So if i do what i do, is because he hasn’t given me a reason to believe i have another choice.

[invisiblegirl86]

Jung

A week ago my friend Izzy came to my huse to hang out, it was actually the first time we saw each other since the quarentine started, truth be told a part of me was worried things wouldn’t be the same between us, since we’ve spent so much time separated, but everything turned out okay, we went to buy snacks and on the way we got a ride from one of her friends to buy some stuff downtown, which was actually her idea; things like this remind me how much fun we had when we lived togeter, back when i was in med school, she was always exploring, having fun, discoverying new places and she dragged me along with her, alwyas felt like she got me out of my comfort zone, showed me the word that was waiting for me out of my bubble, i think that’s one of the things i like more about her. She told me she wanted me to visit her when she gets back to college, honestly there’s nothing i want more than to spend some time with her, get away for a little while and to feel free again, like i can do anything, that’s how i felt all those times we were together in college, i really wish it can happen again.

[invisiblegirl86]

My Own Way

Lately i’ve been thinking on what i want to do with my life, currently i’m in nursing school, it was my mom’s idea, i was so lost after i left med school thati didn’t knew what to do, so my mom suggested i got into the school she works at, first i wasn’t sure about it and honestly i’ still not, the way she talks about how hard she worked to become a nurse and how much she wanted it, i’m not sure i feel that way, i just want to find what is it that i’m passionate about, what is it that i want to do and who i want to be, for now i’m going to keep trying at school, i just hope i can figure out if it’s really my thing.