pervertedly yours, @ipodfaggot - Tumblr Blog

Apr 18

heyyy this is really late but i felt like i did too much with this art piece to Not talk about it, so i wrote roughly 9k of analysis of Corinthians 6:9 because there’s smth wrong w me fr… please forgive me taking myself very seriously for a little bit! there’s so much thought behind what i did for this fic and it’s my time to talk my shit, so ill bear the embarrassment and do just that

so anyway: spoilers for all of corinthians??? kind of??? it’s more thematic than actual events, but ur def gonna have to read it for anything to make sense <3

1: ARMOR

Herbert’s suit of armor here is based on a couple different depictions of Joan of Arc, who is the person in the fic that confirms Herbert’s transness as a tween; he sees transmasculinity in them, and sees himself in their struggle. I think a suit of armor for Herbert is probably a more rare depiction, but he’s incredibly defensive of himself and his work, and at certain points, Dan’s protector. And Herbert’s a fighter; his life has been an uphill battle that he’s fought viciously. (Plus, he’s sharp-tongued, of course.)

The interesting line to draw here in comparing Herb to Joan is in Herbert portrayed as a martyr in this fic (Joan being one of the most famous.) It seems a very unlikely position for him, but the references to martyrdom show alternate definitions not expressly related to the martyrdom of Joan of Arc, who voluntarily died for refusing to renounce their religion (classic style.)

(Dan is also posed as a martyr of his own making, in this case simply: a person who suffers greatly and constantly. Dan definitely does, but as we know from Herbert’s point of view, Dan is often his own victim, which is why this makes Herbert roll his eyes at best.

“‘Take it out on me if you want, just stop making her worry,’ (Dan says.) / Herbert scoffs…Nothing gets Dan hard like martyrdom does.” (chp. 4)

Herbert fits the definition that he gives in Chapter 1 when discussing The Outsiders with Dan, who admires the character Johnny:

“Of course, young Dan had the hots for the martyr. Any man who would go through all the world’s suffering before renouncing his own doctrine would be right up his alley.” (chp. 1)

(Love it when Herbert describes himself…)

Herbert would go through all the suffering in the world for his work and his transness, both of which are his freedom and purpose. Herbert is incredibly stubborn; I hate and adore this about him. So, in this case, while he steps away from Joan’s christianity and has a more complex relationship with pain than Dan does, he still can’t escape his devotion, he simply interacts with it differently.

(I do think it’s important to mention that the martyr in Re-animator (the movie) is Meg. In this fic, despite Herbert’s dislike/ridicule of her, he finds himself by her side. This is self-assigned in Chapter 2 out of hatred for Dan, but also within the copy of The Outsiders Dan brings to Peru. Herbert, as a martyr/Johnny, lies beside a photo of Meg. (I got a variety of takes on this, but honestly you can decide what I meant by that if you want.)

“...Herbert couldn’t stop staring at that corner of the photo. At Meg, flattened between the pages of a book that Dan was now pretending he barely remembered, and that quiet, defeated boy right beside her.” (chp. 2)

2: SCARS

The shape of the breastplate is designed to look like top surgery scars. Yay trans men we love you trans men <3

3: CROWN

So the crown of thorns on Jesus’s head as he was crucified was meant to cause more than pain, but to shame and ridicule him as well. The thorns are sometimes pointed to as a reference to taking a road of sin (where Jesus was punished for humanity’s sins.) A large point of this story, discussed in Chapter 1 first, is that generally both the idea of sin itself and the punishment for it are created by the church (or yourself, if you’re Daniel Cain!)

“No, (the average American) didn’t believe in god, but they did believe in hell, even if they didn’t realize it. They lived in a culture that had been shaped by biblical morals and the supposed existence of sin; they didn’t have to set foot in a church to fear hell.” (chp. 2)

“No, you are not going to hell,” (Herbert said.) “However, in some ways, yes, because you are in hell right now. You are your own tormentor. You’ve placed the blame, determined the punishment, and now you flinch away from lashes made by your own hand.” (chp. 1)

It’s also significant that this pain was caused by those that Jesus was saving. A lot of Herbert’s pain comes from caring about Dan, how that changes and hurts him.

“Past all bonds held internally, up through his flesh to the surface of his skin, are the ones he holds with Dan. He has changed Herbert; Herbert is inclined to believe he’s made him worse.” (chp. 4)

Herbert has a very complicated history with pain, as it can center him or send him spiraling, turns him on and makes him sick, brings up good memories and bad. This attachment for him is much older than the reagent, and is in some ways his true maker. He revisits all types of pain over the course of this story, but the ones that scares him the most is the humiliation he welcomes in Chapter 5, and the pain he bears for someone else the entire fic. It’s not what he’s supposed to be.

But I also think “birth is painful” is important here, because that pain isn’t his destruction, even if it feels like that at some points, and Herbert’s self-determination when he can’t control the pain is to decide what it means to him; that’s his means of coping and changing, and he’s been doing it since he was very young.

“Pain was sharp, and it cleared his mind. It was something so base to his being that it made more sense than nearly anything else.” (chp. 1)

“(His obsession with his work) followed him everywhere, more inherent to him than anything else. It's only match was pain.” (chp. 2)

(also sorry for making the crucifixion about BDSM… but to be fair…)

4: HEART

Meg’s heart is on Herbert and not on Dan because it’s more relevant to him in this story than it is to Dan, through point of view but also generally.

To Dan, Meg’s heart is not a promise of seeing her again, but rather a sign that Herbert still wants and needs him. That’s what fuels him to agree to work on her. When he perceives that Herbert simply wants him around to help with the work, he is instantly bitter and apathetic to the process, saying many times that he doesn’t think it’s going to work (though it’s less that he doesn’t believe they can make life altogether, but that he doesn’t think it’s going to be Meg; his way of expressing his anger in Herbert “stepping out of their commitment.”)

Dan is not “over” Meg by any means, but her heart itself doesn’t have weight to it in that regard. Meg’s heart is not her. That’s one of the biggest differences between Corinthians!Dan and Bride!Dan, obviously; Dan’s relationship with Herbert is one that makes him compartmentalize his grief and shame, which doesn’t mean it’s dealt with, but Herbert also gave him genuine companionship and comfort when he desperately needed it. This doesn’t remove the pain surrounding Meg, but it does propel him past the level of denial needed to do what Bride!Dan did.

“‘Remembering—and this time it didn’t hurt…’” (chp. 1)

In The Outsiders, the full line about “remembering” has its relationship to Herbert, obviously. It also has both a sense of finality, and of moving on; Meg is gone, but the book isn’t done yet. Dan is aware of this, it’s just incredibly painful. Herbert occupies the next part of Dan’s life; closing the door on Meg here makes a door for Herbert open.

“Still, something about it made Herbert tilt his head in curiosity. That fragment wasn’t the full line. / ‘Remembering—and this time it didn’t hurt—a quiet, defeated-looking sixteen-year-old whose hair needed cutting badly and who had black eyes with a frightened expression to them.’ / Herbert read that line several times over, and then closed the Meg-shaped door again. / It was as if the discussion about the book unlocked something, because Dan started talking.” (chp. 1)

Later in the story, during their big fight, Dan says he also stayed for Meg, but it’s with a wince, and it’s following him expressing his distaste, not for the work itself, but Herbert’s obsession with it. Dan is shown to be jealous of the work many times, and its possession of Herbert, but he also hates that this part of Meg (despite not being all of her) has just become a symbol of his unrequited desire for someone else.

“‘You looked heartbroken (when I said I was moving out),’ Dan finishes; a needless reminder to them both. ‘Like you cared if I stayed or went…’ / He gazes over at the bride, and winces deeply. / ‘And it’s for Meg. Of course, it’s for her, but… Christ.’” (chp. 4)

“Once, Herbert caught Dan staring at his hands methodically connecting nerves, and he looked… Well, Dan looked jealous. It was nauseating. Forget Francesca; if Dan was truly so infatuated with the bearer of Meg’s heart, one would think he’d strive for it more.” (chp. 2) (The bearer of Meg’s heart being whooo exactly, Herb?)

Herbert’s relationship to the heart is more intense, and he’s more blind to its purpose than Dan’s, a swap from the movie. Dan’s read of why Herbert offered the heart isn’t entirely correct, but it’s true that it was an attempt to get Dan to stay.

Herbert doesn’t think that who he raises will be Meg, either. However, he believes that to be primarily what is keeping Dan with him, and as well as seeing her as his greatest creation regardless (the babytrapping. you understand.) This is Herbert’s tool and focus, not Dan’s.

Bible shit (sorry): The Virgin Mary is often shown with a heart (the Immaculate Heart) and there’s a lottt about this reference that doesn’t apply, because Herbert is not one for loving god or for purity BUT first and foremost when I think about Mary, I think about devotion, and I think Herbert is incredibly devoted (as discussed in the armor bit.) Not needlessly, but when he gets invested, it’s near impossible for him to stop.

And also this entire fic is kind of just Herbert West fully experiencing emotions, so he wears his heart on the outside here, like Mary and as he does in the last couple chapters.

5: ARM

This bit is a little more conceptual, attempting to string together concepts of illness/pain and pregnancy. Herbert fears and despises the idea of pregnancy, and refers to fetuses as parasites, among other hot takes. He also fears losing Dan, in a way that makes him physically ill several times, most notably when Francesca implies she and Dan will be having children; this makes Herbert realize both his feelings and the urgency with which he needs to make a change in his relationship with Dan.

“Herbert stopped dead in his tracks, and his breath caught, as if his lungs had tried to continue moving without him. …He was going to be sick.” (later) “It was possible his body had never betrayed him that violently and suddenly before.” (chp. 2)

(This was intended to mirror morning sickness. I didn’t make that fully apparent to Herbert because I don’t think it was needed, but it functionally serves a very similar purpose, of a physical reaction that makes you have to take stock of your life and spurs you to action, as well as in this case, clues Herbert into his metaphorical role in this story.)

In this piece, he has a hand over his lower stomach, where his hysterectomy scar would be, and I wanted his face to read multiple ways. He’s holding a hand to his wounded body, trying to soothe the pain of his emotions, with a bitter and accusing look. Look what you’ve done. He’s also holding his hand there with a distrusting and protective look, over both their creation and their commitment to each other. Don’t you dare destroy this. It’s a reaction to pain already caused, and the fear of more to come if things don’t go well. Herbert’s arm looks wounded, yet also as if it could be cradling something... Yeah.

6: SYRINGE/SWORD

Herbert’s sword is designed like some Joan of Arc depictions, but it’s also meant to look like a syringe. Dan’s more clearly holding a normal-style syringe, which is because his connection to the re-agent is much more literal and practical. It’s less significant, but still there, as it’s not as if Dan has no interest in the work. In fact, it’s part of his anger over Herbert’s “affair” with his work.

“You completely redirected our work, ours, without remotely involving me. What you promised to me when we left Arkham meant nothing.” (chp. 4)

Herbert, on the other hand, wields the re-agent like a weapon. He defends with it, attacks with it, and falls on it. It’s his greatest tool, and he’s good at using it, but too liberally. It’s a weakness, too; double-edged. It also gives context for his armor, as he looks/feels strange without the re-agent.

“An exception to this was the re-agent. Herbert was unable to subdue his explosive energy or reign in his fierce defense of it. He had no desire to, but he knew that switch would never turn off regardless; it was snapped at its base.” (chp.2)

“That particular memory had returned to him in a sudden manner, right in the middle of an experiment. Herbert had been perfectly focused in one moment, and then jolted into the past the next…He’d dropped the flask in his hands with a flinch, and it shattered as it hit the floor. / It had taken him a moment to return, and then he could only stare. His re-agent was wasted on the floor, as a result of his negligence.” (chp. 2)

7: ROBES

Dan’s robes are intended to be very flowy and angelic, whereas Herbert is much more down to earth. I ended up covering their feet, but Dan is slightly floating off the ground here. He represents ideals, and Herbert represents realities (at least in Herbert’s mind.)

8: LIGHTNING/STARS

There’s so many weather related metaphors in this story, so this is just an ode to a couple of them. The lightning is discussed in the nimbus part below. As for stars, beyond being a very common symbol in uhhh everything, there are a few stars out in their first conversation, and many when they first kiss, representing that kind of fantastical falling-in-love feeling. When Dan makes his decision to be with Herbert, however, he is grounded to earth despite this (no stars in his eyes.)

“Dan’s eyes were darker than the night around them. No stars, but no clouds. He inhaled deeply, and released slowly. An agonal breath.” (chp. 1)

9: COINS

The circles around Dan are the 30 silver pieces that Judas betrayed Jesus for. In this case, it’s a representation of Dan giving up what he has with Herbert, based on true human connection, for something that gives him societal power. This obviously isn’t money in the fic, but the power one receives through conformity to american/christian social norms. (It’s debatable how much Dan actually did this and how consciously, but it’s Herbert’s POV, and he certainly feels betrayed.)

(In many tellings of Judas’ story, he’s said to be possessed by the devil, which I also think is kind of funny for this story. Dan being possessed by evil makes him get into a straight relationship... Sounds about right.)

10: HAND

He’s doing the Jesus hand (well, the catholic Jesus hand). I don’t know, it felt kind of funny, the way it does look like holding a syringe a bit. Also when else am I going to get to do that? This is THE Catholic fic for me. There’s like a couple different explanations for this sign, the main one being it represents the holy trinity, but I liked the stuff I read about nerve injury from Jesus’ crucifixion... I won’t get any more into it, this is mostly a bit.

11: NIMBUS

There’s this whole thing at the end of the story about nimbus’, which has a double meaning. If you don’t know, a nimbus is an aura that surrounds a scared person, often in the form of a halo around their head. A nimbus is also a cloud type, and in this case I’m referring to cumulonimbus clouds, which are often associated with lightning and thunder.

At the start, Herbert talks about seeing a lightning strike near his house, which is one of few instances of childlike innocence and wonder in his life (Dan brings up feelings of being young several times for Herbert, both the joy and the terrifying fragility of it.) This is brought up again right at the end of the fic (where the nimbus double meaning is used.)

“And then, there was the roll of thunder, far in the distance. Herbert counted the seconds in between; he’d seen lightning strike the field beside his house when he was very young, less than 100 feet away. The sound of thunder had made him run to windows for the next few years, hoping to witness it again, but he never did.” (chp. 1)

(Note: the counting of the thunder above directly precedes the first time Dan says “come here” in this fic)

“Dan’s room is dark other than the moonlight coming in the window behind him... It trails his edges, a nimbus of pale light, stormy in the way that used to make Herbert rush to the windows.” (chp. 5)

The other thing I’d say here is that the sacred nimbus is around Dan’s head, while the cloud is around his hand; this is to show the difference between his saintly ideals and the actions that follow, that are not nearly as saintly. (They aren’t always “bad,” however you might define that, but they aren’t saintly.) This is especially shown in Chapter 4, when Dan talks about hating his and Herbert’s relationship while being wayyyy too horny holding him down…

“Herbert's voice is stilted, as his choices are either to press his cheek against the table or rest directly on his chin, but he likes to think it adds to it. Even in Herbert’s voice, Dan can hear it; the difference between what Dan claims to desire, and the actions that he takes.” (chp. 4)

The cloud nimbus is also around his hand in that way because that’s a common way that god is portrayed; a hand reaching from the sky. (I’m gonna talk about the Dan/god allegory at the end, gimme a sec.)

12: COLLAR:

Sexy. Next.

13: HERBERT’S WINDOW

There are like…one million “house” metaphors in this story (the lab in Herbert’s mind with the backrooms and false walls and their house/doors as their shared flesh) but this specific reference is to the “old house” that Herbert has built around, essentially his inner core that’s very linked to childhood pain that he doesn’t want Dan to see (and that Dan has a tendency to cut to.) He’s fiercely protective of this, especially because his other main relationship with a man made him feel taken advantage of (and in that case, was in part because Herbert was genuinely so young.)

“There was no need for Dan to see any rotten wood as long as the structure stood tall. He could appreciate what it was now, without ever having to see what used to sit on the lot and had to be built around. He could appreciate it from the outside.” (chp. 1)

“Still, (Dan’s) question of “what did (James) do?” isn’t answered that easily. What he truly did was make Herbert confuse his own desire with that of another, and agree to things he wasn’t old enough to. He made Herbert hate himself.” (chp. 4)

(Note: Herbert also uses this language when talking about the bride–“...the bits and pieces of her partially built body being pulled up like a new house on an old lot…”–who he projects emotions and ambitions on, in the way a parent might hope that their creation could be their success, even if they simply have to stand next to it.)

14: DAN’S WINDOW

Dan’s window serves a similar purpose, and a dual one. It’s related to the book of Daniel, where Daniel is often shown in the pit of lions with a barred window/door keeping him from escaping (more on this in the Dogs and Wolves part). Dan is also trapped in a “cage”, which is very many things. Here’s a few references:

“For Dan, there was little separation at all; he clung to grief, at times, or lived in its cage.” (chp. 1)

“Herbert might have unlocked the cage. Loosened Dan’s muzzle. Made him realize how hungry he was. Everything after that was out of his hands.” (chp. 2)

“That was what Herbert saw in Dan now. A man who got so, so close to freedom, and then snapped the cage door shut again.” (chp. 2)

Herbert posits the cage as a choice Dan makes, and sees the cage as a negative restriction that needs to be removed. Dan sees it both as deserved punishment and what’s holding him back from selfishness/hurting people. Up to you how you feel on this one.

I specifically made his barred window look similar to the middle wall of separation in a confessional booth. The idea of “confessions” with Dan is brought up frequently.

“Dan was exactly that. Stained glass saint, and a nightmare in the confession booth.” (chp. 1)

“(Of course, Dan needs to come clean. He’d probably prefer to have sex in the confession booth, so he could apologize during it, not just before and after.)” (chp. 5)

Herbert has a love/hate relationship with receiving them, but certainly hates the concept, and doesn’t find value in it. I don’t think Dan’s need to confess is the cage, but rather the idea that there’s someone on the other side who has a magic fix for the things that he feels. That was Herbert for a time, and then things got real messy; Herbert releases himself from this role at the end, anyway.

“There is no choice Dan can make tonight that could eradicate his suffering; there is, however, a choice that could give him relief. / (Herbert) knows better than to believe he can choose for them both.” (chp. 4)

I think it was important for them to fucking yell at each other for 10k, for Dan to stand his ground/speak for himself, and to hear genuine the hurt he caused Herbert in explicit terms without somewhere to hide from it. That’s the breaking of the wall between, I think; when they both “confess”, with rare honesty from Herbert and self-management/forgiveness from Dan, it’s just a much-needed conversation.

15: THE PIT

Oh, the pit metaphor… Loved this one a little too much, but what can I say… Initially based off “the pits of hell”, it’s essentially the point of no return in terms of leaving behind christian expectations. Herbert talks about this in Chapter 1 (and I’ll get into “hell as separation” later.)

“In theology, hell was better described as separation. Apparently, he was expected to be so fully invested in the love of the father that it was frightening to imagine being kept apart. Unfortunately, that separation sounded appealing to him; he’d be laden with chains and kept in a pit, of course, but maybe in hell, he wouldn’t wear those eyes. Now, Herbert’s sins have hidden the face of god from him, and what a relief.” (chp. 1) (Remember “the love of the father” in this paragraph if ya feel like it)

The pit is Herbert’s freedom from christianity and the eyes of god, but it doesn’t free him from the entirety of shame (nor of love, for that matter.) Regardless, it’s Herbert’s home, and he mostly finds watching Dan’s slow fall infuriating (though occasionally it’s exciting to be the one to pull him down.)

“Dan could make his claims about his opinion on his descent from grace, but he loved nothing more than the burning in his palms as he slid down that already-fraying rope. Herbert had lived his whole life in the expanse below him, and viewed Dan’s descent with apathy. How long would it take? The struggle was a hard watch.” (chp. 2)

“He pulled Dan’s mouth to his again, kissed him until he felt Dan’s arm ready to give out and send him crashing down to where Herbert was waiting.” (chp. 1)

Still, even now, after everything, Herbert loathed to watch Dan deny himself, if only on principle. In Peru, Herbert had gotten so close to reaching his ankle as he hung over that expanse and pulling him free. But now, it was too late. Dan wasn’t climbing, because it was too late for him, but he might die there in his stubbornness, the rigor mortis keeping him suspended in mid-fall until the sun absorbed the earth. (chp. 2)

16: BLOOD

This is specifically Dan’s blood, dripping from his hands, ragged from trying to hold onto the rope to halt his inevitable downward fall.

“Dan refuses himself, he clings to the rope with his raw hands, and he lets the blood drip onto Herbert’s nice white shirt.” (chp. 3)

17: FIRE

This stained-glass fire represents both the fires of hell, and the fires of being burnt at the stake, but both wind up being related to punishment for existing as you truly are.

It’s kind of funny, because Dan is the one positioned as having a fear of hell, but Herbert admits several times (through citing real life consequences for actions) that hell on Earth can very much be a thing. He experiences the confusing combination of being punished rightfully and being punished wrongfully.

This is just the reality of life, but it easily gets mixed up for him, and that’s been true his whole life, especially when he was a child. His current emotional pain awakens memories of being punished as a child for things like genuine accidents, the pursuit of academic knowledge, or putting trust in other people.

“(The sudden distressing memories were) a punishment, awarded to him from an unknown benefactor to his demise. It was his punishment for succeeding. For existing in his full genius, and all that came with it.” (chp. 2)

Being burnt at the stake is similar, and discussed again through Joan of Arc. Herbert says he wanted to find a way out of that fate, which is some ways he did, but in others, he’s very much still punished, in this case for being trans.

“And then 500 years later, (Joan of Arc) was canonized as a catholic saint, with no discussion of some glaring transexuality involved…At the time, it made Herbert wonder how many christians simply feared being burnt at the stake enough that they chose a much slower death. There had to be a third choice, he thought, and he was going to find it.” (chp. 2)

That pain doesn’t leave him, regardless of his level of transition. There’s some joy in being so powerful in your ideology that people want you dead…

“(His church would) hate that he’s successful. They’d hate that he isn’t miserable. They’d hate the lab he’d built from the ground up, and they’d hate the body he built, too...” (chp. 5)

…but there’s equal fear in having who you choose to be burnt away, and not being there to set the record straight.

“...They burned her until she was dead, naked but not warped. They raked back the coals, and showed the onlookers exactly who she was.” (chp. 2)

“(Herbert’s) fear is completely contained, but he can feel its wave under his feet. He imagined lying there, dead, in perfect preservation at the height of his achievement, only to have his suit stripped from him. He’d be discovered. Herbert feared little more than being sent in a box back to his hometown and buried under a grave that didn’t bear his name.” (chp. 1)

Herbert sins in a million ways, and at the end of the fic, finds genuine peace in the belief that if hell were real, he would go there. It signifies freedom to him, and rebellion, but also? He just genuinely believes that being a good christian makes you a shit person, and he places himself wherever opposition to that is.

18: THE DOG AND THE WOLVES

The wolves and dog at the bottom of Dan’s frame are another reference to the book of Daniel. Herbert says ”(Dan) was so earnest and yet so weak; if anyone could sit in a den of lions, hoping someone else takes care of it, it was Dan.” (chp. 1) This earnestness is a running theme for Dan, and it’s very core to who he is, which is why when he genuinely does wrong, it’s unbearable for him to look at:

“(Herbert) can’t tell Dan (what happened with James). Herbert has no interest in touching moments or opening up, of course, but he knows Dan; if Herbert told him all the specifics and Dan knew he reminds Herbert of that man, he would never forgive himself.” (chp. 4)

However, it also lets him cut through Herbert’s bullshit like no one else.

Herbert had heaped a healthy serving of sarcasm on his words, but he needed to do this with more caution, because Dan often responded with a genuineness that made his cynicism sound extremely juvenile, a jaded teenager. / How was he meant to react when that single word, spoken with no hesitation and no dishonesty, blew a hole through the center of his carefully-crafted line? / …when Dan wasn’t floundering, his aim was astoundingly accurate.” (chp. 1)

Herbert mocks Daniel (bible) for doing something that would clearly get him punished and then predictably getting punished for it, but this is one of many subjective views Herbert considers to be logical. There are things that are important enough for Dan to go to the lion’s den that are inconsequential to Herbert, and vice versa.

He also implies a sarcastic surprise at this outcome; I’d argue that often when Dan makes a choice he’s punished for, he’s very aware of the punishment, and sometimes it’s indeed the reason he makes the choice to begin with (it’s ironic, considering Herbert is always telling himself he punishes himself, but it’s even more complicated for Dan than Herbert can see from the outside.)

Note: Herbert also says that when Daniel (bible) is saved, women and children are unfairly punished, which he uses to highlight insidious messaging in the bible, but also shows these “less important characters” getting hurt and left behind in the glory of a man being chosen by god.

I used dogs and wolves because it’s one of my favorite Dan symbols (as you may be aware…). He bites and obeys and is wild and tame and you get it. There’s a lot of ties between domesticity and domestication in this fic, and Dan biting (real and metaphorical).

“(Dan is) driven by impulse and instinct; the flip side of an animal otherwise domesticated. It’s the wicked warp of American domesticity, too. He’s playing husband and father, but it’s purely for self-serving pleasure.” (chp. 5)

“Dan had been captivated (by Herbert’s thighs) the next morning; his shame, his curiosity, his hunger. This was the fun Ashamed Dan. He touched the (bite) marks, and pressed his lips together.” (chp. 1)

“‘Besides, you can think circles around it until you grow weak, but the marks your bite leaves bear the prints of your teeth, not the tone of my voice.’ says Herbert. / ‘Bad metaphor,’ Dan growls. ‘There’s plenty of ways to bite with no marks in sight. I’m much more loyal than you give me credit for, Herbert. I heel.’ (chp. 4)

There’s more wolves than dogs because the wolves are poised to win, I would say (but hey, he’ll always have that dog in him, too.) Herbert says “morals are made by the man” (chp. 5), and that’s where the idea of the wolves winning is up to interpretation.

If the morals that got Dan thrown in the pit are those of christian america, then Dan being eaten by wolves is his freedom from that. If the morals that got Dan thrown in there were genuine parts of who he is, then getting eaten by wolves could represent that being the only true acceptance of who he actually is. Anddddd it could also be a final death of something important about him that needs to be mourned (or perhaps has been already.)

Regardless, if there’s a savior for Dan, it’s not god; it’s Herbert, and Herbert is very wolflike himself. For both options above, there’s freedom in death and rebirth, and there’s loss, too.

But there is a final option, if you want to include the window in this metaphor; maybe Dan did in fact break the confessional wall completely and resolutely, and escaped. This one’s kind of interesting, because it’d show Dan stopping his own punishment by his own will, and also calls into question Herbert’s wolfishness, considering he’s still very much by Dan’s side at the end… Sorry. You know what, you can just decide what you think about this, I don’t know man.

19: GRASS

This is the grass that they sit in. Classic grass. It’s in the very first opening scene, where they have their first kiss, and also where Francesca was planning to take Dan when Herbert denies him permission to do so. Yay for grass!

“Herbert didn’t want to think about it, their kiss at dusk, the very first one. There shouldn’t be any attachment anymore; one kiss or a million, in any order, didn’t matter now. They hadn’t gone there for months, but somehow, Herbert thought their shapes would still be there in the grass.” (chp. 2)

20: BIRDS

These are some of the birds they hear calling in Peru, and also in a variety of thematic moments (before their first kiss, the wound scene in the basement, right at the very end.) These are kiskadees, which is the example Herbert gives as something he only notices because of Dan, a callback to their conversation about their Outsiders parallels.

“‘...Johnny tells him he never used to notice colors. It’s like they were never there before Ponyboy told him about them,’ (Dan said.)”

(later)

“...Dan had started pointing out the difference in their calls, and Herbert was starting to hear it, too…He wasn’t quite Dan’s match..but it was something he wouldn’t have cared to notice without Dan pointing it out.” (chp. 1)

There’s two because they’re gay. They’re gay birds.

21: IGUANA

Yeah, yeah, the plot iguana, we’ve all seen it.

22: LIL SYRINGE

i just thought it was cute (: ty for noticing

That’s it for the art piece but I have shit to say about the various gods in this story, hear me out

HERBERT/GOD ALLEGORY:

This one’s pretty straight-forward: Herbert represents god’s role as a creator, through 3 fronts.

The most literal one is in the creation of the bride. She is Herbert’s metaphorical child in this story. There’s some reality to this, the physical building. In terms of religion, she’s very much a virgin birth (hello again, Mary), but I think Herbert is very much god here as well. Certainly more than Dan is. Dan is more representative of a literal cis father, in that he’s technically required for creation, but doesn’t have to physically carry any more than that if he doesn’t desire to. Herbert is the one with a divine plan. He has both the vision and the means to make it real on earth.

“Progress on the bride was slow, but rewarding. By that point, Herbert had developed his own relationship with her, both through the magnitude of time together, and to step in for Dan’s lack of involvement. / To Herbert, the bride was becoming his finest creation. He spoke to her absentmindedly, if they were alone. Dan was contributing the bare minimum, which was maddening, but only served to make Herbert even more meticulous and attentive.” (chp. 2)

(Though they still both play parents to some extent: Herbert tries to make bids to interest Dan in their creation, snaps at him for his lack of knowledge of her as a result of him not pulling his weight, and gets increasingly more weary as she progresses… One could also see Dan’s jealousy of Herbert's work to be similar to the phenomenon of fathers resenting their child for splitting the mother’s love and attention…but I don’t know if we wanna get into that or not…)

The second instance of this is Herbert’s creation of himself. (It’s brought up one million times, but it just goes hard whenever I write about it, so it’s hard to stop.) He discusses creation in terms of the physical, professional, legal, relational, etc. It is incredibly important to him that he receive praise for his transition, but more than that, credit. He will acknowledge and reveal weakness, even, to compare it to himself now or show how hard he’s worked.

And he worked incredibly hard for it. At one point he says his choices are all he has, and I think that’s very true. He’s a control freak, but in this case, I’d say he’s intensely concerned with self-determination (making it only more painful to be betrayed by the body he built through emotions he can’t control, but I digress. Here’s one william examples:)

Physical: “Herbert exhaled and threaded his fingers in Dan’s hair. That praise, that was what he had been waiting to hear, because he did do an amazing job. It killed him that he was one of his own finest creations, and there was no one to appreciate it. Before now.” (chp. 1)

Professional: “He had only done this, a very blatant reveal of his identity, once before. Then, he truly had been nervous; Gruber’s reaction to that information secured his education and career, but it could have broken it, too. The stakes here were lower; it was people, not work.” (chp. 1)

Legal: “...’Herbert West’ didn’t legally exist until 1979. Sure, he’d always been, but he needed the U.S. government to approve of it; to his utter surprise, they didn’t, so he’d had to take the side streets. It took years and ceaseless work, but eventually he was 20 years old, with a pen poised over the space in the form left for his name.” (chp. 1)

Relational (1): It should be noted that many fathers, including Herbert’s own, find having daughters to be a waste of life, yet get only more violent when one tries to fix that problem himself. (chp. 2)

Relational (2): “Midway through his transition, charged with hormones and desperate for rebellion in any form, he’d find these men who were caught between straight male chauvinism and latent homosexual desire…He wasn’t a woman and he wasn’t a man; he was a thing to them. And things like Herbert were a sin, so naturally men love to fuck them in secret, especially repressed choir boys.” (chp. 1)

“Herbert may not give undeserved time to unsolicited pain, but he is not often compelled to ignore it in full. The years of his life he spent in a period of transition are not ones he remembers well. He had been insecure, and deeply unhappy; that man doesn’t exist within him today. Herbert has no need to reject his existence privately, however. Without what he was forced to rail against, there would be less significance to Herbert’s current form. He did not snap his fingers and become Herbert West; he bled for it.” (chp. 4)

“(Herbert) won’t pretend he’s pleased with his origin, its state and circumstances, or even that he’s grateful for it, but it might be more than just a detriment. It’s a new hypothesis, a school of thought unconsidered; it’s possible that he’s not the man he is today in spite of it, but rather because of it.” (chp. 5)

And then the last is Dan. Running conflict through the story, one that isn’t even resolved and likely never will be, is how much of a hand Herbert has in who Dan is. Dan blames himself, but he also blames Herbert, for “turning him” into what he is. Herbert is his omnipotent god. Herbert denies this, saying he might motivate/encourage Dan (also above in the cage bit), but in no way did he make him what he is (he does have the feeling in Peru that he created Dan, but it is recognized as too close to hypocrisy and quickly discarded.) This one’s kind of up to your opinion to be honest; how much of Dan is Herbert?

“Dan was angry, too; Herbert assumed all he did when Herbert was away was file his teeth sharper. His anger was his only point of control over Herbert, impeding concentration and attempting to seed doubt. Another point of insanity; that ability was only made available to Dan because of Herbert, he thought. Herbert taught him anger, he taught him control. Herbert wanted to grab Dan by the front of his shirt and scream: How can you despise me? I made you!” (chp. 2)

H: “...Nevermind. I don’t care how you justify your behavior to yourself. Complain all you want, you got what you deserved.” D: “I won’t apologize for the things you drove me to do.” H: “So I won’t apologize for existing in your vicinity, which is where the majority of that drive comes from!” D: “Oh, right, you have no control over me whatsoever. The things you’ve forced me to–” H: “I do not force. I motivate–” D: “Motivation? Control, Herbert!” H: “Oh, obviously, but it’s more than that. I make you feel, Daniel.” (chp. 4)

DAN/GOD ALLEGORY:

Where Herbert stands as god in terms of creation, Dan is about the idea of love from a higher power.

There’s a lot of god references in the last chapter–Herbert being named anew with the word “love” (a large part of his own creation of himself, discussed at the very start), Dan’s fingers commanding him (10 fingers, 10 commandments, I know, I felt really annoying writing it)--but the most distinct I think is when Dan calls him “perfect.”

Francesca has been referred to as perfect in a christian way throughout the story (by Herbert, an assessment that he loathes.) Herbert privately denies his own perfection, out of fear of humiliating and devastating mistakes. In Chapter 5, with Dan in a place of authority, his opinion becomes that of a higher power, and it’s one of reverence and love. Herbert has never experienced someone holding power over him that isn’t used to hurt him.

“God, look at you. You’re perfect.”

It wasn’t even to purposefully flatter Herbert; Dan wouldn’t give him that. It was to himself, under his breath. A private thought. Regardless, Herbert half-mindedly agrees. He should look at Herbert. He should see how perfect he ended up. (chp. 5)

Herbert describes himself as Dan’s “arbiter of truth”, and finds it to be “a burden and a privilege”. The same wording here is used when Dan tells Herbert about his muttered comment that broke his heart:

“‘You did,” Dan insists, cutting him off again. ‘And it wasn’t even to purposefully hurt me. It was to yourself, under your breath, thinking I wasn’t listening. A private thought. The truth you were saving me from…That’s pity, Herbert! The pity you promised you’d never feel for me!’” (chp. 4)

(later)

“It’s that burden and privilege again, of being Dan’s arbiter of truth. Herbert cannot afford to be careless; an offhand, absentminded comment made out of frustration is now burnt into Dan. It’s unfair.” (chp. 4)

In Chapter 5, Dan’s praise has a similar affect on Herbert to Herbert’s disgust on Dan. The marks Dan leaves on Herbert are referred to as burning several times, and those are meant to humiliate in the same way that Herbert’s words did (it’s just Herbert got off on it and I think it’s fair to say Dan did not!)

But it's a confusing mix of pain and comfort, both with aspects desired and undesired. Dan’s changed something, permanent and unignorable; Herbert calls this a brand with horror, but he also refers to it with reverence other times. Man, it’s complicated.

Dan’s love also makes him fear pity as well. Dan doesn’t want sympathy, and Herbert doesn’t it either. He finds Dan trying to take care of him as pity, and it’s just as upsetting. He never made Dan promise not to pity him; Herbert just had the assumption it would never happen, because he’s too good for it. Dan looking at him and wanting to comfort him is a failure on Herbert’s part in his mind.

“A smile wobbles on Herbert’s lips, and he wants to kill it, because he knows what (Dan is doing). Herbert does it all the time; the quick modulation of voice and body language in response to information gathered, with a specific result in mind. Dan is appealing to Herbert’s humor in an easy-going tone, so as not to scare him off with his concern, in hopes of ripping the truth from Herbert when it holds less weight. It’s… / His head pounds.” (chp. 5)

Anyway, essentially, for the same reason Dan implies Herbert is his god, Dan is Herbert’s god in this scene, the arbiter of truth, shown here especially:

“Herbert is so untouchable that it’s nice to see him fall once in a while. That must feel like power to Dan, the absence of Herbert’s own… wouldn’t this be the ideal time for Dan to ruin him? It’s undeniable. It’s similar to their first kiss; he might agree to anything Dan said. Even if it was cruel. Even if it broke him.” (chp. 5)

Okay, going back to the line real quick:

“‘God, look at you. You’re perfect.’

…He should look at Herbert. He should see how perfect he ended up.” (chp. 5)

This could be read as Dan directing the Christian god to view Herbert as perfect. Throughout the story, Herbert doesn’t capitalize most terms referring to religion (because he’s disrespectful), so the capitalisation of “He”, which is often used for god, is hidden at the start of the sentences at the end of the next paragraph. So it could be god, it could be Dan, it could be both, who knows?

Another part of god that is shown through Dan is his love being sought after for its own quality, rather than out of fear of punishment. When their relationship deteriorates, Herbert spends a lot of time ruminating on what he dislikes about Dan and the pain he brings to Herbert’s life. He hates that he thought Dan was “different”, and uses that to push his feelings down, but the reality of that thought isn’t that Herbert hates Dan, but misses him.

The loss of the Dan that loved him is more painful than the arrival of one that makes his life harder, which is mentioned a few times:

“Where was he? Where was the Dan that thought about being eternally tortured by his side and felt relieved?” (chp. 2)

“...Herbert glanced over his shoulder at Dan’s closed door. (Sleeping in the same bed) could never happen now. It would be infuriating, the sound of Dan’s breath, the heat of his body, the unfulfilled potential.” (chp. 2)

“He got nervous, or as nervous as a man like him could be, that Dan would be there in his living room one day.” (chp. 2)

In all cases of this, the topic/scene is changed immediately after (Herbert literally slams the door on it for the second quote) because I think that for Herbert, not being able to have something he wants is worse than the presence of something he doesn’t want. He can do pain and heartbreak, he can’t do emptiness and longing.

This is really drilled in with the “hell is separation” part. I didn’t have Herbert be cognizant of the “Dan equals god” relationship during his panic attack because I don’t think it would connect for him and I also think that’s a spiral that he couldn’t have handled. However, that line is the closest Herbert gets to it. Through fear of being separated from Dan, he is able to understand a core part of religion that he never has (from like page 3 of the story, and mentioned earlier.)

“It clicks. / Hell is separation.” (chp. 5)

It is directly following this that Herbert is sure he’s about to crash and burn:

“(Herbert is) getting confused, his thoughts taking him in endless circles, and now (he) knows for certain that he’s going to crash. Badly.” (chp. 5)

Even that small brush with that idea has him pushing Dan away, and it only revisits him in the sense of admitting he loves Dan to himself. And this is just like…what I think a god might be like, and of course, it’s love:

“Herbert knows what he wants. Its flesh is under his fingernails. It drags him behind as it shoulders through the world. It won’t stop moving, and changing, but there’s somehow always a place his hands fit perfectly; it’s impossible not to reach out and try to hold it, but his grip hurts them both. He might have to make do with the drying remnants of the one form he’d been able to tear a piece from, halted in its prime and already dead.” (chp. 5)

The last part of this is that Dan is so tied to the re-agent and “the work,” which is also a metaphor for god. Well, maybe not even a metaphor, Herbert cites it as his god, but he doesn’t clearly make the connection between the work and Dan, which are occasionally used as interchangeable terms with each other or directly compared when Herbert isn’t as mentally ready to shove the idea away. There’s way too many examples, so I’ll just do the big ones:

Herbert first beginning to link Dan and the work, before they get together in Peru: “...He thought of nothing but the work, because everything came back to it. That was why it was easy to think about Dan; Dan was tied closely enough that it made sense to have him on Herbert’s mind. (chp. 1)

The moment that breaks their relationship when Herbert is trying to get Dan on board with creating life (it’s funny, because Dan doesn’t see himself as tied to the work when Herbert has his “affair” but here he very clearly reads the work’s insignificance as his own):

“‘You will.’ Herbert had stuck in the blade, but clearly not deep enough; he leaned on it with his full weight behind him. ‘You don’t want all of this to mean nothing, do you?’ / Herbert had meant the work, he always meant the work, but that was Herbert’s unintentional punch. For a moment, there was wild, desperate fear in Dan’s eyes. (chp. 2)

Herbert comes to the conclusion to stay with Dan, using language from wedding vows, but still keeps Dan one step away; he isn’t fully combined with the work or on the same level, he’s just bound to it:

Herbert can’t go on without him. For better or for worse. He can’t leave. He needs the work, and Dan is bound to it. That’s settled. (chp. 3)

During the final sex scene, Herbert refers to both his studies on the re-agent and Dan as the work, as they blend together:

The papers around him are slipping to the floor, with more crushed between his body and the table; it feels right, caught between, surrounded by the work. (chp. 5)

Herbert is omnipotent, but Dan is omnipresent, and that’s how they’re described here. Herbert also calls back to the “Herbert’s sins have hidden the face of god from him” line. The horror of being looked at, and loved: As for Herbert, he doesn’t know. Dan isn’t everything, no man ever could be, but Herbert might argue that he’s everywhere; his ties to the work make that easy. Ever-present, whether Herbert decides to give him attention or not, and Herbert is unable to hide from him. It’s terrifying. (chp. 5)

WHICH connects to this earlier statement, that illustrates that while Dan perceives Herbert to be “cheating on him with the re-agent,” if you will, Herbert believes he’s been cheating on the re-agent with Dan, through lost productivity due to those annoying emotions one has sometimes, AND they are often very interchangeable depending on how you’d like to see it: “‘No, I mean the work. That’s your affair, and it happened long before Francesca showed up.’ Dan waves at nothing in particular; he doesn’t need to. The re-agent is everywhere.” (chp. 4)

IGUANA/GOD ALLEGORY?????

Truly the only genuine hint at a higher power is that fucking iguana hitting Herbert on the head. There was no real reason for that, and it surely could be explained, but the iguana just represents the somewhat unexplainable things that make you question if there is possibly something bigger at play is this world, whatever the hell that may mean to you

Ok das all… if u made it all the way down here, thank you for reading!

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