Long therapy rambles...
TW: idk therapy stuff, talking about anxieties, driving phobia, etc..
Dumping out thoughts so I know what I want to talk about in session. Feel free to skip.
I decided to finally try for some therapy for my crippling anxiety issues. Should've gone years ago, but oh well.
Broke down in front of my dad a few weeks ago, and he was very supportive about everything. So, I've been trying to research, & reach out to therapists.
Had one phone consult in September, and they were friendly; but I don't think they were for me.
Just had another phone consult today with someone else, and even though I was still terrified. I like them a little better than the other therapist.
So, I went ahead, and scheduled an in-person session for the 14th of October. It's on the other side of town, and my anxiety is already making me regret this.
I want to change my mind, and cancel already. Just the anxiety of signing up, and reaching out & making the appointments is overwhelming. But, I need to do something about this.
Pt 2: tw: driving phobia, other fears & anxieties talk...
My biggest hurdle now is my longstanding issues with phone, interview, and appointment anxiety.
But, I want to bring up my old issues like my fear of driving to my therapist, and see if ACT can help in a similar way to the way I got through it.
Like at 16yrs old I took driver's ed in highschool. It all went horribly when I got to the actual, hands-on driving portion. The instructor I had was very rough; constantly banging the window, & dashboard to keep you on guard or if you made a mistake.
On top of that; the whole experience was overwhelming. Even if I had a chill instructor, I'd have had issues.
I have a big issue being in the right lane, and trusting other drivers waiting to pull out into the street. I hate when I can't see the lane markers on the roads; due to oil spills or other reasons that leave the road unmaintained.
I hate when I can't follow through on my pre-planned route. Just a lot of little things that add up into major anxiety.
Then when I was 22yrs old; I realized I had fallen in love with a friend. That gave me the courage to try to drive, and better myself for a real chance at a 'potential' life with them.
I was still terrified, but my parents helped me get a new instructor. I lucked out, and got a guy named Don who was really kind. He was able to get me enough practice along the streets that I could get my license. And, he drove me to the DPS place since I was still terrified of highways.
It took me another 2 & 1/2 years before I could drive on the highway.
To this day. I still get anxious about all the same things. But, luckily it's less intense than it used to be. So, I can mostly drive without issue nowadays.
And, while I can't fall in love with someone every time I need to fight these major anxiety hurdles. ACT or "Acceptance & Commitment Therapy"; seems to have a similar vibe. That you can still be afraid, but if you have a higher goal that you can commit to; it can help.
Pt 3: phone/appointment anxiety stuff
Phone & Appointment anxiety is my biggest, current hurdle.
I make an appointment, and then I feel like I can't do anything until the appointment is over. So, I get major anxiety over making an appointment. Then if it's a while away. The anxiety tapers off for a bit. Then spikes high again when it gets close to the appointment.
I don't know if it's a fear of forgetting, or something but it's nerve wracking.
And, phones... I've always had social issues to an extent. I feel like my hearing is okay. At least in my family I have really sharp ears for faint sounds. But, I do have a habit of asking family to repeat things a lot; especially if it's over the phone.
As an example. Back in highschool; I bought some earplugs for my ears because the school dances were fun. But, the music was always so loud. And, I'm always watching things with subtitles; so I do take of my ears. I just don't know what's up.
My old job that I quit. If it was anyone else; it'd probably be a dream job. That final year was basically free money for almost no work.
I went from doing technical work that I loved; to being forced into a secretarial position.
Work ticket comes in; and instead of working it myself. Had to call up some teammates a couple rows over, and directly hand it off to them.
I tried man, for that last year. But, I could never place a person's name to the voice I was hearing. Their voices on the phone all sounded the same. It felt shameful to ask them everytime who they were. Plus I felt like I was imposing sending them the tickets.
So, I just half-assed what I could. Boss didn't care too much. But, I hated it. I eventually got so stressed(& heck, I was starting to get a bit toxic towards my parents) I had to quit, and basically just shutdown and be a hermit for awhile.
Or, like non-work phone calls. When I would talk on the phone with crushes and/or friends back in the day. I'd always have to write out ahead of time what I wanted to chat about. Script out some topics to hit. Otherwise I'd freeze up like a deer in the headlights; and the conversation would stall out & get awkward.
I can handle what I call "informational exchanges". Like I can check on stock in stores, or order from a restaurant. It's just those unpredictable calls I don't like.
I was worried, about this second therapist asking me to tell her about myself in the short consultation we had. The first one did this, and I froze up. So, this time I wrote out a little summary. But, she didn't ask, haha.
Blargh, I don't know man. I just know I'm going to need to distill this down for the therapist. Maybe they can help figure out what's going on. I really can't believe I've let myself waste this much of my life trying to avoid it.
If I had an off switch for anxiety; I'd be unstoppable.
