[ippadikunaan]

1:34AM

Loneliness really hits you the hardest at times when you are feeling content. Wanting someone by your side during the difficult times is normal, and expected. But you know that you are really craving companionship when you wish you had someone to share the mundane moments with. The late nights when you cannot sleep, the random lines from dramas that you are watching, the small things that happen in your daily life. These are the times I wish that I had someone... Someone whose priority is me.. Someone who chooses me. Is that really too much to ask for? I guess that is not the right question because it is not like I made any effort to find someone... So yea..

I want someone I can dance with, share Kpop fancams, K drama lines, enjoy a can of coffee in the middle of the night, someone I can hold, someone who hugs me.. just someone....

[ippadikunaan]

She sat by her window, with music filling the air and the wind brushing against her skin. Cars went by on the road without a moment of silence. Love and romance, she realised, was a rarity - a diamond forged in the depths of the crucible. Romances in books and movies are just what they are - fiction. Well, they say the best kind of men are fictional, and some may have to be content with that. She had longed to find her person in the world, the one who will be by her side no matter what. Recently, she realised even she herself is not on her own side, and how unfair it is to expect someone else to do the very same. It will be better to leave the notion of marriage and kids behind to forge her own way in the world, alone. Not knowing what it would feel like to hold someone's hand, not knowing the feel of laying eyes on your person after a long day at work. Is she being dramatic? Even she does not know, but what other option does she have? Pulling herself back further and further into this tiny, tiny circle she has created, building walls impossible to break, how can she let anyone past her guards? Why would anyone want to scale the obstacles to find her at her core? She is no one.

[ippadikunaan]

Letting go.

Again, it has been a while... And somehow things never seem to change with me. Sitting here alone after fighting with my family, with no one by my side. No one to enquire how I have been or where I have been for five hours. No one on my side. Maybe it is better that I give up the notion that I will find someone before I get disappointed. I am going to turn 30 in half a year, without ever being in a relationship, never found my place in my family, among friends. What makes me think that I am going to find my place with a complete stranger? Maybe I am better off being alone, without adding anyone else to disappoint or get mad at. I had recently written down a list of things that I would like in a partner, after seeing some manifestation thing on TikTok. I went ahead to delete that today, I think I am letting go of the long-lost dream that I had to get married and have children. I do not deserve the love and I doubt I can give that kind of love to someone when I am not even sure if I can love myself right. Oh but the ache... the ache to have someone care, to hold someone's hand, to be held, to just talk to....the ache is so real especially at times when it feels like I am so damn alone in this world...

[ippadikunaan]

Why am I here again...

I honestly don’t know what to feel anymore or why. The past 6 months have been such a good break from the two years of 10+ hours work days. But it has also been an emotional one. 

Figuring out what I want to do with my life moving forward has been challenging enough without having the added pressure from family. For people like my father and sister, who have been in one job for decades, they will never understand that no one wants to jump jobs for the sake of jumping jobs. They will never understand the extent that you are pushed to till you give in your resignation letter and they will never understand the desperation you feel to want to make it work. They will never understand being in a position where your personality directly clashes with everything around you and they will never understand the feeling of physically not being able to breathe in the office. They will never understand what it is like to be in an emotionally draining and abusive workplace situation. And I definitely do not wish that they ever experience it.

When I decided to step away from a communications role, I knew that it will be challenging to get a new job. But what I did not expect was to not even get a single call about any of the jobs that I applied to. And at this point, I really am feeling so lost. It has been around 1.5 -2 months since I actively started looking for jobs and I have not had any success so far. And I honestly do not need anyone else pressuring me more than I am myself. 

I will definitely not trade the past six months for anything because it gave me time that I will never have again with my mum and nephews. And that is something that I will forever hold close to my heart and will never regret, no matter who says what. 

I might not have gone on a soul-exploring trip around the world or changed my life in any drastic way, but this time with family is something I treasure and hold above anything and everything else. And that is also why I am so so careful about my next job. I already experienced losing precious moments with family with my two previous jobs and I definitely do not want to be in the same position as before. I also want the job to be just a job. I will definitely have to try to not let myself tie my job to my self-worth, because after 3 years of doing so, I am still trying to heal. 

Despite my physical journal being personal, somehow I can never write such intimate thoughts down on paper. I think it’s the fear that if I put it down on paper, then it becomes that much more real. 

[ippadikunaan]

An Update

I honestly do not know when was the last time I wrote in this blog or wrote in my journal. The past few months have completely upturned my life and I honestly do not know where I am headed at the moment. 

I gave in my letter at Weber after a tumultuous few months since I got COVID and I don’t think I have accepted it yet. I was definitely pushed towards leaving. There are so many things that I feel wronged about and no way to voice that out. I feel pulled in so many different directions and I do’t know what to do. I have been spending a lot of time sleeping and not wanting to think about what I want to do next, but the more time goes by, the more I know I have to think about it and make a decision. 

It’s 2.56am and I honestly just feel lost. I am nothing but a small speck in the world but I just don’t know what my direction is. And amidst all these...maybe because of all these... my mind has been going towards finding a partner. Maybe... just maybe having that someone would make me feel better.. Having that someone would give me the courage I need. Maybe just having that someone would give me the will to move forward... 

But it is a cowardly way out and it does not help that everyone around me is asking me about what my plans are for my personal life.. To be honest, I don’t have an answer. I think one of the reasons that I am unwilling to make a decision is because I am scared. I am scared because I have never been in a relationship before, I am scared because I know I am not an easy person to love (even with family), I am scared I am very insecure, I am scared because have my walls.. And I don’t know how to break all of that down to someone.. I don’t know how I should even go about making a connection, I don’t know and I am scared and I just don’t know what to do... 

I just feel stuck in a place with no direction in my personal life and in my professional life. I feel like I have been stuck since I graduated and barely made any progress in terms of career and life and I don’t know what to do.. 

I 

Do 

Not 

Know

[ippadikunaan]

Midnight Ramblings

It has been a tough few weeks, both in terms of work and my mental health.

To a certain extent, I have accepted that work is work and this is how it is going to be if I am going to continue in this industry.

My mental health on the other hand....I feel like the loneliness is definitely starting to set in more.. But at the same time, I want to sort out my feelings and insecurities before I even let anyone else into my life. 

I have been sitting here for the past 4 hours plus, just listening to songs on Spotify with the window open. And seriously.. how is it that cars are still going around on the streets. Tbh.. just want a moment of peace with the wind in my hair and some stars to gaze at....

[ippadikunaan]

In the city that never sleeps

Searching for the quiet...

Blinking headlights and city lights

Not a star in sight

Thoughts weigh heavily

Racing on a one-way lane

With no exits...

[ippadikunaan]

Why do I feel this way.. I don't even know how I feel. But just urgh... idk... Sighs..

[ippadikunaan]

So, tomorrow would officially be 10 months since I joined Flame and I am going to give in my letter of resignation today. The past 8 months since my last post has been just short of dreadful. Pretty much nothing changed in the past 8 months and it has been a constant slew of work, work and work. No support, no break, nothing. It has just been one thing after another.

Everyone who was with the company when I came in have left. Chea Hang left a while back. Joshua, Johnathan and Marcus all left this last month. We had a new addition to the team, Jez, who was shifted from doing marketing to doing sales. And as of yesterday, her contract has been terminated. So ya.. At this moment, I am the only one in the company who is doing any and all forms of writing. I am now doing everything from PR to copywriting to influencer marketing and I am at my wits' end.

Over the past two months, I have been very serious about searching for a job and I received two offers, one from PRecious Comms and one from Weber Shandwick. Eventually, I chose to accept the offer from Weber and I start on the 14th of June.

So yea.. I am finally going to get out of Flame after 11months (inclusive of my one-month notice). Damn, it is such a weird feeling. As much as I am relieved that I have found something else to move on to, it is also extremely nerve-wrecking to tell Florence about my decision. I think the only leverage that I have to prevent them from terminating my contract with immediate effect is that there isn't anyone to handover my stuff to. But my point is even if they want me to leave next week, I will be more than glad to. Because then it is none of my business.

So, that's that. I am going to close one chapter in my life and start another. I know that whatever the situation is at Weber, I have to be there for at least 2 years. And like what akka said, I will go in hoping for the best but expecting the worst..

[ippadikunaan]

Two Months

So, it has been two months since I started work.. And man, it has been a journey. At first, it was challenging and I took it in my stride and I really wanted to prove myself. So, I gave my all to the job. I started working 9 - 8 on most days, and also over the weekend. It was and still is extremely overwhelming and I don’t have the time or the energy to do anything when I get back home.

I think what made the difference, was the past week. The week of SS. Granted, I was told I could come in later on the days but I was also CONSTANTLY reminded that I had pending stuff for other clients. I think what really got on my nerves was when my boss was saying that I should be working on our LinkedIn content as well and 5 minutes later, she said, “I know SS is important, but your job is PR and your PR work is lagging”. And I was like if PR is my work, then why did you even give me the SS project? 

I am struggling and drowning in everything, without a single support. And I still have to do extra work to make up for the lack of work other people are doing. I am just so done. 

I don’t think I have gone a single weekend in the past 2 months without working. And I have barely eaten at home during the weekdays as well. I know that in this current climate, I am supposed to be grateful to have a job and to have gotten a job. But, to what extent? My body physically could not handle it this week. And I was and still am so damn tired. I came home at 11+ everyday and still continued doing work till 1am+. And then I went into work latest at 11am. I just physically cannot do it. Mentally, is a different story altogether.

And the worst thing is, I have no support, in or out of work when it comes to peers. At work, I don’t have anyone to discuss things with, try to problem solve together with, seek advice from or anything. I am just there all alone, and my boss is not really helping. Outside of work, I don’t have the support I thought I would have. My message often go unanswered for days and with everything going on at work, I don’t have the energy to even constantly message people to ask if they are okay. I just don’t. 

I just feel so alone in every sense of the word. I try not to talk about the problems at work at home just because I don’t think I will find a solution for it. And I just feel it all building up within me and I don’t know when it is going to burst through. 

When I started, I really thought I would want to stay for a couple of years, but even a couple of months has me so freaking exhausted and just so mentally defeated. What is worse is I am not getting any luck with coverage. I have pulled my weight of it, but I am just not getting it.. And I get it.. results matter. But I can only take so much as well. And I don’t know where my limit is. 

And I don’t know how I am going to react when I reach that limit.... 

[ippadikunaan]

Is it too much to want someone to just check on me.. I know everyone is busy... I am too.. But for once, I don't want to be the one checking in and initiating conversation. I think that is what I miss in my friendships... I am the one who is usually checking in and if I don't, the conversation just stops. I think it is time I stepped back and just watch and see what happens...........

[ippadikunaan]

Is it so bad to just want that someone special? That one person I can call my person. That one person to whom I can spill my heart out to and expect them to hold me. That one person I can just revel in being with. That one person who I can expect to be there for me, no matter how busy they are. That person... my person....

[ippadikunaan]

Is it the age or is it just me? 

[ippadikunaan]

How am I still asking myself the same question? 

[ippadikunaan]

Loneliness

I have been pondering about the idea and concept of loneliness more and more in recent months. Not sure if it is a psychological response to turning 25 or what.. But I mean this is what I am feeling. Just the feeling of wanting to have someone to share things with is just very strong.

Was watching Love, Simon again today and this line really stuck out to me. 

“I couldn’t ask for more amazing friends. A more understanding family. But it would all be so much better if I have someone to share it with.”

And damn, that pretty much summed up everything that I was feeling. I have always referred to this feeling as the void of the position that I like to call “my person”. Just that one person who transcends all your friend circles and crosses the boundary line called family and is your support system and your pillar of support. 

And I am definitely projecting all these feelings on random people.. But I mean.. whatever. I don’t really foresee myself taking any steps to remedy my situation anytime in the near future. So, that’s that. 

[ippadikunaan]

January 2019

It has been a whirlwind of a month. From being called for my first interview in a while to being shortlisted for a second and getting a job offer. Within 3 weeks, I had signed my contract and was going to start on my first job. Is this my dream job? Nope. Is this the kind of job I was looking for? Nope. The thing that attracted me with this job scope was that some were things I was familiar with and some, I was not. But mostly, the environment. Working for one of the best airports in the world is not a first job that comes easily to anyone. This opportunity to work on such a large scale and the chance to learn new skills coupled with the desire to see the news from a different perspective was what pulled me towards this job.

And here I am, on the way back home from one end of the island to another. It has been am overload of information and nerves this past week. But I am slowly getting the technicalities and am learning the ropes. There is a steep mountain ahead of me. And I definitely felt unqualified and anxious many a times, but I want to believe that I will be able to do it.

And that is the mindset with, which I am going to go into this weekend and the coming week. I can do this.

[ippadikunaan]

April 2020

It is 15 months later and I am starting my second last week at my first job. How fast time has passed. Unlike what I would have liked, I am leaving this job without another job in hand just because of the current climate. But damn.. it has been a ride and I am not entirely sure if it has been a good one or not. All I know is that it is coming to an end. One thing that I have noticed is that even in the most difficult of times, I have always found people that I can rely on and during the past 15 months, I have relied a lot on JH and I will never forget how our friendship started. It is going to be a tough few months but I hope that I am more mature and more equipped to handle this period of joblessness as compared to how I was previously. This is a goodbye to CAG and it is such a bittersweet feeling...

[ippadikunaan]

I don't think I have ever felt so slone as I do today

[claryfightwood]

the contrast of maryse trying to stop magnus entering alec’s first wedding to her literally walking him down the aisle at his and alec’s the power that that has the growth that that has the world impact that that has