#27june2022

[geezerwench]

Walkies with Jessie.

Pretty blue Chicory.

27 June 2022

[bibidibobidii]

Want to see wi ha joon in blue or red contact lenses

[ippadikunaan]

An Update

I honestly do not know when was the last time I wrote in this blog or wrote in my journal. The past few months have completely upturned my life and I honestly do not know where I am headed at the moment. 

I gave in my letter at Weber after a tumultuous few months since I got COVID and I don’t think I have accepted it yet. I was definitely pushed towards leaving. There are so many things that I feel wronged about and no way to voice that out. I feel pulled in so many different directions and I do’t know what to do. I have been spending a lot of time sleeping and not wanting to think about what I want to do next, but the more time goes by, the more I know I have to think about it and make a decision. 

It’s 2.56am and I honestly just feel lost. I am nothing but a small speck in the world but I just don’t know what my direction is. And amidst all these...maybe because of all these... my mind has been going towards finding a partner. Maybe... just maybe having that someone would make me feel better.. Having that someone would give me the courage I need. Maybe just having that someone would give me the will to move forward... 

But it is a cowardly way out and it does not help that everyone around me is asking me about what my plans are for my personal life.. To be honest, I don’t have an answer. I think one of the reasons that I am unwilling to make a decision is because I am scared. I am scared because I have never been in a relationship before, I am scared because I know I am not an easy person to love (even with family), I am scared I am very insecure, I am scared because have my walls.. And I don’t know how to break all of that down to someone.. I don’t know how I should even go about making a connection, I don’t know and I am scared and I just don’t know what to do... 

I just feel stuck in a place with no direction in my personal life and in my professional life. I feel like I have been stuck since I graduated and barely made any progress in terms of career and life and I don’t know what to do.. 

I 

Do 

Not 

Know