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The Anatomy of Rachel Evans

In classic Jezebel form Rachel Evans is using any and every part of her reproductive anatomy to push her feminist agenda. But how much longer will it be effective?

First there was Vaginagate, where two references to her nether region kept A Year of Biblical Womanhood off the shelves of Lifeway Christian Bookstores. Then there was a reference to her mammaries on her blog in a critique of how John Piper uses commentaries written by women.

But now that she is out of the reproductive organs featured in men's magazines, Evans has gone internal with references to her oviducts and cervix. She writes,

"For some reason Mark Driscoll can't hear God speaking through me because, as a woman, my distal ostia isn't equipped to deliver the seeds of new life like his vas deferens. But what Mark doesn't realize is that, like Mary, my uterine lining is capable of receiving a gift from the Spirit and delivering it full term upon dilation and effacement."

Sadly, we at Irrelevant Mag can't make any sense out of what she's saying since our parents kept us out of sex ed.

#GENDER #RACHEL HELD EVANS

Top Five Doppelgangers from History Channel's "The Bible"

By now you're probably sick to death of the Obama-Satan doppelganger controversy; but just in case you aren't, here's our top five:

5. Satan & Obama

4. Jezebel & Nancy Pelosi

3. King Saul & John Kerry

2. Pontius Pilate & Hillary Clinton

1. Jesus & Mark Driscoll

Ken Ham Talks Himself Out of Christianity

Talk about your slippery slopes!

Last night while speaking in Orlando about the war between the Bible and evolution, Ken Ham's own arguments began sounding like reasons the grizzled veteran of apologetics should reject Christianity. About 90 minutes into his presentation, the president of Answers in Genesis and founder of Louisville's Creation Museum providentially misspoke and—in a moment of brilliant clarity—realized the emptiness of his position. He immediately professed atheism and invited the 2,500 church-goers in attendance to join him.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!

#KEN HAM #CREATION #SCIENCE #APOLOGETICS

OPINION: Woah, Woah, Woah, Can't You Talk to Me Like I'm 7?

COMMENTARY by Justin Shupe, Teen with Tough Questions

Can we just take a time out already? I just need to throw something out there.

It's no big deal, I've just been having some doubts lately. Is that OK? No? Well, just hear me out anyway.

It's just that some of the stuff I've been learning at school is pretty crazy. Like, did you know that there are people who don't believe what the Bible says about how old the earth is? Is there like anything to that?

Woah, woah, woah, before you start giving me some fancy answer can I just ask one little favor? Would you please talk to me like I'm 7?

Look, I know that growing up in a technologically saturated world has made me more sophisticated and scientifically minded than any generation before and that you guys wouldn't even be able download Angry Birds to your iPhone without us doing it for you (jeez, that's so 3 years ago. Oh an by the way, my 4-year old brother can figure it out by himself).

But seriously, I just don't think my post-modern brain that's capable of making complex connections and wrestling with tensions like no prior generation can handle straight talk about stuff like science and faith.

I was just thinking maybe we could cut the serious conversation and you could give me some easy, prepackaged answers that a simple Google search could rip to shreds in 0.21 seconds?

Look, it's just that I've never done this before, I'm just a kid. I don't really want to tell you how to do your job but maybe you could just reassure that scientists are all evil and godless?

Like, maybe all they're doing is just trying to figure out a way to get rid of God once and for all so that they can have as much sex with each other as they want? I kinda had this thought for a second that maybe they're just trying to find any way they can to deal with their guilt and get away with sin because they hate Jesus and don't want to repent. I think I read that in Romans.

So, maybe you could confirm that for me with some cartoon drawings and then pat me on the head as you send to my room for nap time?

I could even go put on some PJs or footies or something if that helped. Just let me know!

Like I said, I don't want to tell you how to do your job but I think that it would really help if you just built me house of cards and made me pick once and for all between Jesus and science. I'm pretty sure I won't question what you tell me as long as you threaten me with Hell.

I'm sure it would be really interesting and everything to hear about some scientists who are Christian or whatever but I'm not all that sure I want to go there, so don't bother bringing it up, OK?

Again, I don't want to tell you how to do your job. I just think if you talked to me like a 7 year old that would probably be best.

Ok, I glad we got it all out there.

#APOLOGETICS #OPINION #SCIENCE

GREAT AMERICAN SCHISM: Mohler Excommunicates MacArthur at Shepherd's Conference

SUN VALLEY, CA—It appears another match made in Heaven has gone straight to Hell in a hand basket.

In a scene reminiscent of the Great Schism of 1054, initial reports indicate that upon arriving at the annual Shepherd's Conference this morning, Albert Mohler, President of the Southern Baptist Convention, issued a Baptist Bull excommunicating John MacArthur, President of The Master's College & Seminary and Sr. Pastor of Grace Community Church.

Mohler issued his Bull during the first plenary session when he delivered a scathing message against MacArthur, warned those in attendance to watch out the leaven of MacArthur, and returned all of MacArthur's possessions including several commentary sets and message tapes.

The precise issue that led to the split is unclear at this time and has been cited as "irreconcilable differences." Sources close to the former partners in ministry, however, indicate that a disagreement over the identity and nature of the Nephilim in Genesis 6 led MacArthur to question Mohler's commitment to inerrancy and it was all downhill from there.

#PREACHING #MACARTHUR #MOHLER #INERRANCY

PREACHING: Pastor to Masterfully Address Questions None Are Asking

MIDLOTHIAN, TX—In his 17 years of ministry, Pastor Andrew Spencer of Glorious Ascension Methodist Church has never composed such a masterpiece as his homily for this upcoming Sunday; unfortunately, his entire congregation will find it completely irrelevant.

The introduction features a story from his childhood which he has somehow never shared before despite the fact that it is as intriguing as it is endearing with just a hint of cliff-hanging sensibility. It's the sort of story that craves resolution as it draws the listener deep into his existential journey.

Moving deeper into the message, Spencer's craftsmanship is most evident as the introduction seamlessly and effortlessly moves into a solid three point body filled with simple, clear, and sound exegesis, each movement expertly coupled with a surprising and humorous illustration.

Finally, Spencer brings his masterpiece to it's finale with a rapturous thunder of fervent emotion and brilliant clarity leaving no string loose or question unanswered but what could only be provoked by the inner testimony of the Spirit pressing gently but firmly of the softened hearts in attendance.

The sermon is a true work of art indeed. But, like most works of art, it will be completely lost on the congregation who could not even consider, much less comprehend the profound philosophical questions he would raise by contrasting Christian freedom, the debt to love, and the question of justice.

Instead, the congregation at Glorious Ascension are still locked in a bitter debates asking "Do we choose God or does He choose us?" and "What about all those people that never heard about Jesus?"

#PREACHING

MOVIES: Grace Card Producers Stunned by Razzies Snub

MEMPHIS—Saturday night was just one more case of "another award ceremony, another snub" as far as the Christian Film industry is concerned as The Grace Card was completely overlooked by the 33rd Annual Razzie Awards honoring the worst of the silver screen in 2012.

"At this point, yes, it would be an honor just to be nominated," said Graceworks Pictures CEO, Michael Russell. "Look at what we did this year with Grace Card: we combined a bad pun with a pretty shallow story on race relations and a preachy climax" he said, "What more do they want?"

"We even shelled out the big bucks and got Lou Gossett Jr," he went on, "He's rumored to be on Dancing with the Stars in an upcoming season, you know."

But don't think this latest setback will keep them from shooting for next year's Razzies with yet another weak attempt at engaging pivotal cultural conversations. This Summer Graceworks is releasing Grey is OK, a 3-hour fictional epic about a charismatic leader and closeted homosexual named Ronnie Grey that loosely follows the life of Lonnie Frisbee, a prophet and leader of the Christian hippie movement of the 1970's. "Except in Grey is OK," Russell qualified, "Ronnie successfully undergoes treatment, gets married to a lovely gal, and starts a thriving ex-gay ministry."

"Sexual orientation and moral relativism are a big deal these days," he explained. "So you can count on this," Russell promised, "Grey will oversimplify and over-sentamentalize the issues."

"Look out 2014, we're coming for you!" Russel exclaimed.

#MOVIES

OPINION: Please Stop Calling FBC Dallas Anti-Gay, We're Against So Much More by Dr. Robert Jeffress

OPINION by Dr. Robert Jeffress, Senior Pastor of First Baptist Church of Dallas

Let's make this clear right up front: at FBC Dallas, we are so much more than just an anti-gay church.

As many of you know, Tim Tebow was scheduled to speak at our church on April 28th, but due to media pressure he has backed out; apparently, FBC Dallas is just too anti-gay for the liberal media.

As I have listened and read and watched this controversy unfold over the past week, I am appalled that the only thing FBC Dallas is known for is that we are against the homosexual agenda.

We are and have always been against so much more. Here is just a brief run down since our church was founded in 1868:

We were and are against the 13th amendment abolishing slavery (save those confederate dollars, boys).

We were and are against the 15th and 19th amendments granting suffrage to the negro and women-folk.

We were and are against the 21st amendment which repealed the prohibition of devil water that ruins marriages and encourages jungle-fever.

We were and are against Mr. Martin Luther King Jr. and the horrendous loss of freedom that resulted for many upright, white business owners in our congregation.

I know, I know, all these things are far in the past and you're wondering, "What have you done for me lately?" Here are some things going on today that FBC Dallas is against:

We are and will always be against amnesty for illegal immigrants who sneak into our country, take our jobs, and fill our streets with ridiculous looking pick-up trucks.

We are and will always be against the Mormons and the Catholics. When are people going to realize you can't just make up your own religion?

We are and will always be against junk science like evolution and global warming; boy, if you think it's hot now... just wait!

We are and will always be against Barack Hussein Obama and his socialist dream for America. We'll keep our guns and religion, Mr. Obama, you can keep the change.

Look this list is getting pretty long and I have a message to prepare since Timmy got all queer about the controversy and pansied out. If you want to know any more of the things we at FBC Dallas are against please stop by our offices for a chat, catch the podcast of my recent Sermon Series "The Face of the Lord is Against You," or just check out the Republican party platform.

And remember, hate the sin.

#OPINION

MOVIES: LaHaye Left Behind, Nation's Film Goers Encouraged

HOLLYWOOD—Fans of the silver screen all across America breathed a sigh of relief yesterday as the Christian Post reported that Tim LaHaye appears to have no role whatsoever in the reboot of the Left Behind franchise staring Nicolas Cage, Chad Michael Murray, and Ashley Tisdale.

Avid movie-goer Brenda Bojorquez saw the first Left Behind starring Kirk Cameron "during a really dark time in [her] life" and has been perpetually cringing since first hearing rumors about the new film late last year. But now that LaHaye has publicly said "It's probably the worst script [he's] ever read," the 34-year old mother of three says, "I feel like the muscles in my face are beginning to relax for the first time in months. It's like when you think your baby pooped and you left the diaper bag at home, but then you realize he just farted."

The interview brought further comfort to a nation weary from low budget, trite, Christian sentimentality as LaHaye stated "The plot line is nothing like the book. The only thing they retain are the names of the people and maybe places."

"I don't know about you," Bojorquez said, "but when Tim said the new Left Behind had 'no redemptive value'—wow, that was like botox for my soul.

#MOVIES #HOLLYWOOD #END TIMES

SAFETY: NHTSA Rates Christian Station 3 out of 5 Stars

WASHINGTON, DC—Self-proclaimed "Safe for the whole family” Christian Radio Station The Fish may not be so safe after all says a recent report by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration that rated the network at 3 out of 5 stars.

The NHTSA report comes after a month-long investigation finding the station "consistent with industry standards 10-20 years ago."

"Every time you take your eyes off the road you increase the chances of a life-threatening accident," explained NHTSA Spokesperson Edna Vidal. "Our test drivers were constantly rolling their eyes, reaching to change the station, and staring at each other in utter amazement at how many of these bands were completely ripping off U2's Joshua Tree and Coldplay's Rush of Blood to the Head."

"If you want to listen to The Fish in your garage you can dramatically increase your chances of survival," Vidal continued, "Just be sure the engine is off and there are no sharp instruments nearby."

#MUSIC #RADIO

MUSIC: Chris Tomlin a Believer Suspects Youth Pastor

SCHERTZ, TX—There may be some truth after all to the rumors that chart-topping worship leader Chris Tomlin is a practicing Evangelical Christian. That is, at least, according to one man who is convinced that he and the Dove-Award winning artist and Pastor of Worship and Expressive Arts at Atlanta's Passion City Church share numerous religious beliefs in common.

Bryan Hoffman, 32, himself a pastor at nearby Cibolo Bible Church, has followed Tomlin's career since the singer's early days with the Passion 268 movement—a nationwide gathering for college-aged Evangelical Christians—and has long maintained that the CCM singer-songwriter trusts in Jesus for his eternal salvation.

"Just look at some of these lyrics," Hoffman urged, "'Holy is the Lord God Almighty, the Earth is full of His Glory.' That's pretty much straight from the Bible!"

"Or how about this," Hoffman continued, "'The Godhead Three in One, Father, Spirit, Son, The Lion and the Lamb'? If you read between the lines there's a pretty strong Christian message there!"

"Look here,' he pleaded, "'Jesus Messiah, Name above all names, Blessed redeemer, Emmanuel!' Most people think this is about a girl, nope."

As for Tomlin's last two albums, Burning Lights and Arriving, which don't have the same overtly Christian titles as earlier albums, Hoffman insists, "They don't look good, I admit it, but if you go deeper into the albums I swear you'll hear some pretty clear Christian themes. I'm just saying."

#MUSIC

CHURCH SPLIT: Local Pastor Welcomes Couple Who Will One Day Split Church

THOMASVILLE, NC—Unbeknownst to him at the time, Local Pastor, Darren Thompson of Doak Park Bible Church greeted Craig & Marsha Dennell, the couple who would one day split the church and drive him out of ministry after 21 years of faithful service.

Completely unaware that Craig would publicly betray him with a slew of false accusations, including improper advances toward his teenage son (now 4), Thompson spotted the new couple during his message and made a mental note to connect with them once the service was over.

During a brief exchange, Craig and Brenda appeared to be a down to earth, happily married couple who showed no indication whatsoever of a paranoid fundamentalism that would consume them after a college friend began forwarding them literature on the "dangers compromising with a godless, postmodern culture."

"They seemed like a really good family," Thompson shared later that afternoon with his wife, Brenda. "The husband just transferred from Raleigh to manage the hardware department at Sears," he said, ready to put his apparent leadership skills to work in the youth group, not realizing that years later he would leverage that position to join and divide the elder board by refusing to budge over issues like the "sexual appropriateness of hormonal teenagers basically going to the lake in their underwear."

"And his wife teaches piano" he added, envisioning Marsha leading a revived Children's Choir unaware that she would drive away numerous families during the Christmas season when she threatened the 4 and 5 year old's with horrifically graphic and vivid descriptions of hell "since no one else around here seems to want to preach truth."

"I hope they come back," he finished, unaware that the Dennell family would become so consumed with putting Doak Park back on the straight and narrow by any means necessary. "Well, if they come back next week, maybe we can have them over for dinner," Brenda suggested irreversibly setting the events in motion that would ruin their church and leave her husband a crumbling shell of the man he once was.

#THE FUTURE

MUSIC: Mumford Worships Son Says Youth Pastor

EL CAJON, CA—Pulling together a web of evidence, Youth Pastor Jamie Matousek informed a group of teens that although international pop sensation Mumford and Sons aren't "technically a Christian band, they're definitely Christians in a band."

Matousek, Youth Pastor at South County Evangelical Free Church, built his case last night between holes at Boomers Mini-Golf and Family Fun center during the youth group's social event/outreach.

"First of all, Marcus's parents are big in the UK Vineyard movement," Matousek began. "Second, I heard he was in a worship band with the banjo player. Third, he says 'Jesus' in a couple songs and it sounds pretty positive."

Despite making his strongest case, Matousek conceded that, "It's kinda disappointing that Marcus doesn't wear his faith on his sleeve, especially with reporters." "But" he explained, "That's probably so he can stay in the biz and be a missionary there; who knows what he says to them off the record?"

Sensing the group was still a little skeptical he concluded, "I need to confirm this, but I heard that after their show at Coachella last year that Marcus was going around shaking the hands of 1000 people that were cleaning up and he got to one lady who was there with her 16-year old son and she told him that she was a Christian. So Marcus asked her son if he was a Christian too and he said he didn't think so. So Marcus asked him, 'Do you mind if I tell you how I came to know Christ as my Savior?' The boy agreed and Marcus pulled up a chair and witnessed to him for 30 minutes and then led him in the sinner's prayer!"

Choking up with tears he added, "How glorious to know that the lead singer of the best band in the world is a man who doesn't feel the industry pressure to glad-hand 1000 people, but would take 30 minutes of his precious time to lead a teenager to Christ!"

#MUSIC

JESUS JUNK: Atheist Conglomerate Gets Rich, Changes Minds

CHATTANOOGA, TN—That cheesy Christian T-Shirt you saw the other day might not be so Christian after all. In an on-going investigation, Irrelevant Magazine has uncovered a network of atheists getting rich and changing minds by designing, printing, and retailing Christian bumper stickers and T-Shirts to unsuspecting teens and youth workers.

Intercepted e-mails detail how these men conspired to "rip off every pop culture reference imaginable" and "create Jesus-puns that would make Helen Keller roll her eyes." As a result they would "make a fortune selling this garbage" while "making [Christians] look like total morons."

While bank records indicate this single atheist syndicate had 2012 revenues in excess of $500,000, it is still uncertain how many minds have been changed. Early estimates indicate the number could be in the millions meaning that for ever dollar spent at least two people turn away from faith.

At this time it is also unclear what other Christian organizations and industries are puppets for this vast atheist conspiracy but significant leads point to various Christian movie production companies, creation-science groups, and right-wing political action committees.

#JESUS JUNK

TIP-TITHE WARS: Pastor Leaves 10% of Meal

DAVENPORT, IA—Pastor Fred Branstad scored what may be the tipping point this afternoon in the ongoing war between the soul-service and food-service industries.

Branstad, a regular at the Hungry Farmhand Diner, ordered his usual: a jalapeño burger, fries, and a sweet iced tea. As soon as waitress Anne Loesbsack served the regular, he immediately set aside a small portion of each.

When the bill came he left exact change and a note, "Every Sunday I give the Lord 10% of what He generously gives me. See, I have done the same for you and set aside the best of what you have given me! Blessings, Fred"

Branstad, Pastor of Stewardship at Ripe Harvest Bible Church explained the new wrinkle in the tithe & tip strategy, "We've been coming at this all wrong," he said, "When does God ever give us a bill that we throw and extra 10-15% on top of? Never! This is biblical tipping!"

Loebsack warned Branstad that if he ever showed his face at the Hungry Farmhand again, "he'll be eating at a burnt offering."

#TITHING

GOSPEL: Unclear Blog Post Consumes Church

ENFIELD, CT—A firestorm of comments erupted on First Baptist Enfield's website this morning quickly escalating into Jim Crow-era intimidation.

The comments started on an informational post announcing a new partnership between FBC Enfield and the River Valley Rescue Mission but quickly turned into hate mail, rocks thrown through windows, and a cross burning when the post didn't make clear what role a Gospel presentation and altar call would play.

Here is a timeline of the events:

6:50am: Local reformer and renowned internet troll, Owen Greig, 54, came to the FBC website to download and review the church's expanded doctrinal statement and read through the partnership announcement.

6:55am: Greig commented, "Will the Gospel be the main course or are we just fattening these people up for slaughter?"

6:57am: Greig commented, "Is this going to be just some kind of social gospel, good works, feeding the homeless baloney or Gospel proclamation?"

6:59am: Greig commented, "I'm all for helping out hurting people, but unless we're addressing the real hurt that's coming on their soul if they die as unregenerate sinners, what's the point?"

6:59am: Greig commented, "Typical, your silence says it all."

7:05am: Greig began posting links to various on-line messages and articles focusing on regeneration, proper Gospel proclamation, and the dangers of emergent theology.

7:15am: Incensed by a lack of response, Greig writes threatening letters to the Senior Pastor, fills them with baking powder, and drives to the post office to mail them to the church.

7:35am: Greig arrives at FBC Enfield and begins throwing rocks through the stained glass windows with the messages, "The Social Gospel is Bad News," "Emergent Warning," and "Faith, not works."

7:45am: Greig drives to home depot to purchase two 2x4s, a box of nails, and can of gasoline.

8:05am: Greig places a burning cross in the front lawn of FBC Enfield and begins cutting his flesh and screaming, "Your false gospel is burning this cross!" and "You may not answer me, but you'll answer to God!"

8:12am: Police and fire arrive at FBC Enfield, take Greig into custody, and douse the flaming cross.

8:30am: Pastor James Watson arrives at FBC to begin his workday and is briefed on the morning's events.

10:15 am: Greig issues the following statement from the Hartford County Jail, "I do not regret my actions. You don't say 'Please' and 'Thank you' to an emergent wolf who's sinking his teeth of false teaching into one of your lambs, you beat him with the shepherd's staff of Truth. If anything, I hope we all learned that the church needs a clear and proper focus on regeneration in everything."

While awaiting trial Greig is excited to see that the jail has a tape library with messages by "some really good Gospel preachers."

#GOSPEL #THEOLOGY #EMERGENT CHURCH #REFORMED

OPINION: Why Is That Man Taking Orders From That Woman?

By John Piper, Desiring God CEO and Pastor of Bethlehem Baptist Church

We should have seen it coming. Really, the surprise is that it's only now that we've finally woken up to see how much ground the Women's Liberation movement has taken from us.

Back in the seventies, when I taught in college, feminism was new and cool. So my ideas on manhood and womanhood were viewed as the social construct of a dying chauvinistic era.

Now, suppose I said to you that Sergeant Pat Evans and Corporal Logan Smith were leading a military operation in enemy territory and that the higher ranking Sgt Evans had to use the latrine. Then, suppose Private Morgan Wilson comes running in with news of an enemy attack and Cpl Smith gives the orders in Sgt Evans' stead to Pvt Wilson. Would that bother you at all?

How I fear for our church and our country that many will not be bothered at all! Oh this wicked and perverse generation where men have all been emasculated by the suicidal songs of egalitarian folly! How it saddens me that none of you will have any trouble with the scenario I painted above, but surely that is only because I have changed the names and settings!

In truth, Noel and I went to that new Falafel place downtown and after being seated I went to wash my hands because the hostess accidentally touched me when she gave me the menu. And as I emerged from the separate-but-equal restrooms there I saw it—a male server taking orders from a woman ... Our drink orders FROM MY WIFE!

What cowardly men do we thank for this collapse in chivalry? Well, not me, not my family, and certainly not at Frankie's Falafel, not ever again!

What's next? Women in combat?

#POLITICS #PIPER #GENDER #OPINION

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