Chapter 11 of we send what we can't say: Salt In The Wound
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Summary:
Trinity picks up a bad habit and Baran indulges. Another character enters the chat and a sprinkle of mowalsh.
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It had been a few painful weeks of Trinity trudging around the ED. She was always in a mood to most of her colleagues. One wrong look from Langdon would send her into a funk that lasted a few hours and usually ended with Dana offering her a cigarette because “Jesus almighty, you look like you could use a smoke break, but don’t expect another one.”
But there was always another one when Santos let the day get the best of her and Dana needed peace to be restored. She became her cigarette fairy godmother of sorts.
And every time she reentered and was flung on a trauma case, Yolanda took a big whiff of her.
Somedays, she was met with, “Fuck, I miss smoking.”
And other days, “Fuck Santos, stop smoking. You’re supposed to be saving patients, not slowly killing yourself.”
And every time, Trinity replied, “Leave me alone.” Sometimes with a smile attached. But always underneath the bite was a comfort for the familiarity and the appreciation for some who cared.
She was slowly letting herself have friends. She found that the more she let in Dennis and Yolanda, the more she could shut out Baran. After Dennis found out about her broken heart, he suggested they take the bus that came 15 min after their usual bus which still got them to work 10 min early if Trinity settled for coffee from the break room instead of the coffee shop she deeply missed but was willing to sacrifice on the days she knew Baran would be working.
She started getting happy hour drinks at the pub down the street after work with Dennis on nights he wasn’t going to the farm. She told him about her little brothers that had the same chaotic, mousey vibe as Dennis and he told her about his mean older sister who used to call him Wilbur. They had found pieces of home in each other.
barantos - trinity’s in her feelings and she can’t get out of it.
trinity santos might be an asshole.
no, scratch that. she is an asshole.
how the fuck did yolanda make this look so easy? how did she switch it off?
whenever trinity asked her to spend the night, yolanda would only smile and state they’ve both got work in the morning, a reasonable expectation that trinity would accept with a shrug, hiding her disappointment in a pillow as yolanda walked out the bedroom door.
baran al-hashimi did not accept this.
“don’t I live closer than you?” she questioned with a frown as soon as she saw trinity shouldering her duffel bag. “I don’t mind you staying.”
“it’s fine.” trinity had answered, because it was fine. if she didn’t stay the night, then this wasn’t serious, she wasn’t banging yet another boss of hers, wasn’t looking like she was sleeping her way to the top. “huckleberry isn’t house-trained yet, he’ll get anxious and pee everywhere.”
“i can drive you.”
“no, it’s alright.”
but baran’s already getting up, swinging her legs out of bed. “you shouldn’t wait alone at this time of n-“
“jesus, are you always this fucking needy?”
it’s too harsh.
too sharp.
too quick.
too nasty.
she sees how baran’s face flickers with hurt before she hides it, and trinity mentally kicks herself. great going, asshole.
she shoulders her bag again. “i’m sorry, i didn’t mean it like that.”
baran can’t look at her yet, instead finding the fidgeting hands in her lap the most interesting thing in the room. trinity sees how she pulls her lip between her teeth, how she folds inwards a little at the rejection and she sighs.
maybe baran isn’t needy but she’s certainly sensitive.
trinity steps forward. “do you want me to stay, really?”
baran’s mouth quivers. “i want you to be safe.” she mumbles and now trinity knows she’s an asshole.
she’s not used to it.
being looked out for like this.
she drops her bag to the floor and pads slowly back across the room. kneels and takes baran’s hands out of her lap.
“m’sorry.” she mumbles.
baran still looks a little hurt, but she reaches up and brushes trinity’s hair out of her face, her palm resting on trinity’s cheek thoughtfully. even when she’s upset, she always looks at trinity like she’s just hung the stars in the sky.
A hand met her shoulder. It startled and angered her. The tension she felt inside the bus had boiled over. All week she felt so lonely and now that she genuinely wanted a moment alone, she couldn’t get that. The universe couldn’t let her have her way.
“What!” Her head snapped around. “Why the fuck did you follow me?”
“No, don’t do this. You’re obviously not okay and you can’t keep shutting me out.”
We Send What We Can't Say: Chapter 10 Deleted Scene
Baran goes after Trinity
“Trinity, wait.”
A hand met her shoulder. It startled and angered her.
“What!” Her head snapped around. “Why the fuck did you follow me?”
Baran looked smaller when she was being yelled at. In this moment, Trinity didn’t see her as her boss or someone she used to look up to, but just as the woman who broke her heart.
“I-” Baran look a deep breath. “I-” She laughed into her words. “I don’t know.” She threw her arms up in defeat. “Because I still care even when you’re breaking my heart.”
Trinity looks at her in disbelief. She knew exactly what that bus ride looked like, but Baran has no right. She was the one who broke things off, so in the scheme of things, she is the one who has lost all credibility here to care. “Right..I’m the one breaking your heart. Up is down. The sky is green.”
“It’s been one week and you go back to her!” Baran doesn’t back down. Her face reddens and her voice raised. She feels as if she’s lost all control of herself. She knew she wasn’t being fair to Trinity, but somewhere in between stepping onto that bus and ending up on the sidewalk, all rationality flew out the window.
“Well you could’ve just asked, because we’re not back together. Nothing happened because of you, okay? And honestly, all I wanted to do was get laid, but you took that away from me. Just leave me alone Dr. Al-Hashimi.”
Chapter summary: It’s been a lonely week and all of the silence has caught up to Trinity. Old habits die hard
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Her thumb hovered over the new message button, but didn’t press down. Instead, she closed her email and went to a name she used to ache for in her texts. Maybe now that they were friends, it wouldn’t hurt so much this time. Now that she knew what else was out there, this would only feel like a paper cut. Part of her also wanted the harm. The familiar shape of how she could feel so good and so bad with this woman.
Trinity 🔪 11:31pm
Hey 🫡 come over? Things with me & Madame President are over.
Yolanda 🥶 11:32pm
What’s in it for me?
Trinity 🔪 11:35pm
I’m not going to ask again. Stop being annoying 😏
Yolanda 🥶 11:37pm
I’ll see you in 30
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Heavy on garsantos this chapter. I left this off on a cliffhanger 👀 and wouldn't mind hearing some suggestions or thoughts! I have some ideas but might explore a few before landing on one. Each path is interesting to me and I'm getting a little bit of decision paralysis.
Baran finds herself unraveling and losing herself in Trinity.
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Baran caught Trinity at her locker before she headed out for the day. “Dr Santos, can you walk with me?”
Trinity nodded. “Sure, what’s up? Did you come across my Kelly Clarkson chart? I swear I was only doing that to stay awake.” She expected to be led back into the ED, but instead they were heading out the doors and down the street.
“Was Kelly Clarkson a patient today? I’m not following.”
So, no this wasn’t about that. “Forget about it.” She took her hair out of its ponytail and ran her fingers through her hair.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about this morning, about my actions over the past weeks. And-” Baran stopped walking and moved to the side. She tilted her head to gesture to Trinity to follow her. They stood under an overhang of a shop that was closed for the day. “Trinity, I’m sorry, baby. You know how I get when I’m wrong. And I can feel myself becoming somebody I’m not.” And then in a whisper, “Who are you? What are you doing to me?”
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