My weird poetry

It's not really poetry but I'm trying to share a part of myself with the world. I write my stuff at night instead of sleeping. Also, English is not my first language, so there might be mistakes

[is-it-all-over]

I've never thought of actually committing suicide

I don't want to

I'm scared of death

And I really want to keep living

At the same time, I used to wonder what it'd be like if I disappeared or something

[is-it-all-over]

Agghhghh

Why can't I just do something normally?

Why does it have to be like this?

I can't

I don't want to

I know I have to

I just want to go back

[is-it-all-over]

"Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable,"

Is a quote I like a lot.

I wish to be someone who could create something sad and disturbing.

Things that are about mental issues always provide me comfort at dark times.

I'm sure someone feels that way, too,

So I want all of the art that I'm making to comfort someone.

To save someone even, if that's possible.

Maybe it's too ambitious,

Though just a few saved people is enough for me.

I just want to create despite everything.

[is-it-all-over]

I want to choose another character in a video game

I hate it like this

All I do is miss

Is there a way to choose someone else?

Would it really be a change?

I want that to happen,

To be someone better

In the game I'm playing.

[is-it-all-over]

The line is busy &

No one is picking up

I call again and again —

The line is busy.

Was it worth it in the end?

My head feels dizzy.

Pick it up,

Pick it up,

Pick it up!

I'm trying so hard,

But the answer — there's none.

I'm close to giving up.

I really messed up

With something as easy as this.

I have to suck it up

And pretend to be at ease.

[is-it-all-over]

Not like other's/ self-conscious

Hide it;

Look in the mirror;

You'll never be like her.

Or anyone you always see —

They're not like you, they'll never be.

The people around you —

They don't know what it's like.

The image you drew

In which the reality is bright,

Is the one where it's gone,

But is it right?

You don't belong,

Not [while] looking like that.

It won't be long

Until they realize.

For how long are you going to hide?

[is-it-all-over]

I am no longer myself (and it hurts)

I raise my gaze and look at myself all over again

Comparing to what I used to be back then.

I know [that] if I still were myself

It would be the same,

But I'm no longer there.

I've lost my own self.

The one looking at me — it's all made by something else.

It's not me; my image melts.

Just one dark line to divide —

It's enough to change it all overnight.

So, here I stand, a blank blight.

I used to be myself, I used to be bright,

And yet, now it's all gone with the light.

[is-it-all-over]

I might have some mental issues, but I don't think they can be classified, weirdly enough.

Depression? No, not really.

PTSD? I might have trauma, but I no longer even have dreams of what happened.

Anxiety? I experienced some paranoia at some point in my life, but I don't remember being anxious. Also, I remember being scared for obvious reasons since I was in actual real danger.

Dermatillomania? I do pick my skin, but I would say it's more of a result of a conscious thought, while people who have dermatillomania, as far as I'm aware, do so unconsciously most of the time(correct me if I'm wrong).

I'm just simply unhappy, and I also have some issues when it comes to socializing.... and I don't like loud noises(which is related to my trauma or whatever it is, I think).

Oh, and I sometimes wish to harm myself.

I feel like it's not intense enough to diagnose me with anything, but honestly, I would be so happy to get some sort of diagnosis because it would make me feel like what I experience is, in fact, real and valid, and others experience that as well.

But it's all not... serious enough.

I mean, I can live like this.

It's just that I'm unhappy no matter what I'm doing.

It's not like I can change that.

Maybe it's impossible to fix this at this point.

Maybe I'll forever be like this.

Maybe I need to learn how to live with it.

My mind always comes to the same conclusions.

I want to get help, but at the same time...at this point, I don't.

I don't know if there's anything/anyone that could help me, considering how not serious this all is.

I don't want any psychologists anymore.

Talking to one is just going to lead to wasting my parent's money anyway.

In the end, I might not even get help or they might realize that I don't need one.

Or, again, I'm just impossible to fix at this point.

Maybe venting and writing is my only option.

As well as doing the things I like and trying to live my life.

I have supportive wonderful parents.

I have almost everything I could ever dream of.

It makes having mental issues feel so weird and irrational.

Like, sure, I still have things I need to be worried about,

Yet overall — I should be happy.

But I'm not.

The human brain/mind is so weird.

[is-it-all-over]

Personally, no matter what, I'll never be using generative AI to write essays or any other assignments I have for school.

Writing is fun.

Sometimes, it can be boring when the theme is not what I feel like writing about.

Sometimes, it's hard to reach "the flow" and start writing something properly.

But I'd rather spend a few minutes finding some inspiration and reach a dead end a few times than use chat GPT or anything similar to that.

The whole point is to learn something.

To create something, to analyze the work and remember it properly.

It's better to ask for help from a human being when I'm stuck, not from any AIs.

[is-it-all-over]

"I'm sorry" is a letter to someone I know

But it was just left in my notes

It's very rushed and barely has any punctuation, but I think it's better this way

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

Please forgive me, I beg

Over and over again

And over and over again

When will this stop?

The words are stuck in my throat

All of the promises I forgot

Mean nothing

Just like apologies ,

Their meaning long lost

And yet again

I say sorry

Trying to get myself to feel better when nothing works

Is it fixing what I'm wishing the most?

Or do I just wish to get worse?

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

Oh, if only I truly was!

It's never enough

Never will be enough

I'm sorry

I'm a liar I know

I'm sorry

I reap what I sow

I'm sorry

If only you could help

I want to get better, I swear

But I can't anymore

I want to get worse

I can't stop

Selfishness isn't it

How quickly I let my mind control it

I let it control me just as easily

It's my fault

I'm so embarrassed

You don't know

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I can't say it to your face

So I'm saying to mine

It's a lost race

I'll start over tonight

I promise

I lie

Please forgive me one more time

I won't do it again

I'll change

I'm sorry

I beg you to forgive me

My worthless self in the prison of my mind

Sometimes I wish I were someone else at last

But it's scary to think that

I don't want to lose what I have

And never meet what I have met

I want to be better

I'm sorry

[is-it-all-over]

It's like I'm screaming into the void sometimes

[is-it-all-over]

More and more notes

That's not fair

You swallow your self-pity

You had your share;

The only commitment

Not one of them knows !

So suck it up and go,

Don't ever let it show

I know it's not worth it

I know it's for all!

All of this is deserving,

Your lies are all rotting

And you see that you're bleeding

Your only commitment is once again on its own

Where is the treatment? How could you treat it? Ask the same crow!

The answer shall never be known!

Sometimes you wonder

How much you can ponder

Before the day is wasted again

And you see the end

For your own gain

You should stop until it's too late

But will you do that again?

[is-it-all-over]

I don't have a name for this one

But it'd from notes, too

I want to pry away my skin

To see what's underneath

I want to tear and tear until

The red is dripping to the brink

And I want to smear it right

To put all that was once inside

And then see it, see the might

So I can fall apart and cry

I want to make it better;

I wish to make it worse

I do nothing in return

Take away my bones

But it will not change

All that I'm told

Is meant to quench

Yet, it doesn't change

I take it to the edge

Looking down on it again

Wishing it could change;

Wishing it could decay

I take it

I take my emotions fused in one

Conflicting, yet together all at once

I take my individuality

I bury alive my morality

Break it all

Just do it

Fix it all

The circle remains

Like it's never always too late

Stop it

Do it again

More and more pain

Stop it

And then again

I don't feel pain

I want to see blood, it's all in vain

I don't want to die

I want to exist

[is-it-all-over]

"To myself (past, present, future)"

From my notes

Thousands of wires, all form a shape,

Thousands aspire to all be the same.

And yet,

Thousands of them are destined to fail.

Thousands of them will all make a mistake.

Thousands of them — all just in one;

The timeline is bitter, torn as it drowns.

Thousands watch, waiting for more,

But all they see are the same collapsed towns.

The sand glass seems endless

Until it seems not,

The tries are relentless;

The opportunity is left to rot.

One is after another,

Nonetheless, all form just one.

All that they say matters

Is destined to fall.

[is-it-all-over]

Notes

As the gaze is fixed on the sky so very distant,

Nothing gives away the dullness that transpired.

In the ever-changing world one remains consistent,

Taking ahold of everything acquired, tainting everything admired,

Turning into nothing,

Into withered roses,

The eyes that are judging

As one stares back at crows.

Disappearing into the dreams,

Only then can it be seen

It's a life after the epilog

All one once knew is gone.

[is-it-all-over]

"A 'new day' that will never come"

From my notes

If only the new day could purify it all,

Creating a cleaner version, being reborn.

Again, again, again, again and again,

Since all of this is pointless in the end.

Even if I could be stripped of the red flowers that bloom,

How would I know if they don't grow back, as I'm in my room?

They always come back,

Despite the time that has passed.

I break my morning promises on dawn,

And make new I seem to then forgone.

I'm irredeemable and hopeless at this point;

I'm an athlete who always breaks her joint,

Or a wizard who fails to cast spell,

Trying again, to no avail.

I get tired in the end;

I try to search for better version of myself.

Trying to change or making it worse?

Is there a difference? I can't tell anymore.

Now, I must be too far gone.

[is-it-all-over]

"Tainted"

From my notes

I taint all the things I love,

Clinging to it, what I still adore;

Taint them in ugly bleak black.

And I look at what is left in the dark,

Seeing the reflection, wishing it back.

Even though it's my fault,

I'll pretend that it's fine.

As I create what I mold,

Engraving myself in crime.

Trying to purify it, I reset the cycle,

Disappearing into the endless spiral.

It rots within;

I hide and forget what I mean.