August 8, 2019 | 7:36 PM Life has been pretty damn good lately. But I guess it's also been pretty bad since I'm back on here... I went back and read some of my pre-Culture Night posts, and I teared up. Mainly because I STILL remember how I felt back then. Luckily, in terms of things like school and life goals, all is good. I just apploed to PA schools, I just applied to a study abroad program, and I'm starting my final semester of college. I survived Microbio and Orgo2, maintained that lovely 4.0, and pulled a stellar Culture Night out of my ass with the help of my friends. This summer I adjusted to working in my new retail job, I got to travel to Norway, France, and Italy, and I have plenty of free time now to bujo and learn Tagalog. :) Truly, life is so wonderful. Now... why am I here? Because there are just some parts of life that are sadly... just not wonderful anymore. Unfortunately, the problem with the ol' PR chair is still quite a problem. Turns out she has been resenting me much more than I realized; I noticed she unfollowed me from Ig and completely unfriended me on Facebook... Crazy. In all honestly, in the grand, GRANDEST scheme of my life, she really, REALLY does not matter. I was just barely friends with her, and after I graduate, I likely will NEVER see or encounter her again. Thus, it really shouldn't bother me. The only thing is that... it just sucks that I didn't realize how bad it was until it was over. I made a mistake and said something that... really was not intentioned to be racist. I do see how it can be taken though, since I really shouldn't have pointed out race in general. (Long story short, she expressed interest in a position for next year, I said "Think of how diverse things will be next year," and she replied with "... oh if that's the only reason then nevermind"). Yes, I shouldn't have pointed out race. It was unnecessary. But the thing that upsets me is that she made it seem like that was the ONLY reason why I wanted her to do the position. In the past, I have expressed to her how proud I was that she broke out of her shy shell when joining this org, how she was so on top of her job and so on point. So she KNOWS it was not only about race. I could tell she had been getting annoyed/tired of me and was avoiding me throughout that semester. So the fact that she used my mistake as the final straw to justify her literally treating me like I don't exist is just absurd. Not to mention she also had disdain towards me because she felt that I was favoring my other grandlittle over her. (No dip I would do that... she had been acting so coldly to me throughout the semester, why would I pry myself in her life and good graces if she didnt seem to want to talk to me? How would I know she just wanted me to be as enthused about her as I was about my other grandlittle when she was acting like THAT? NOT to mention my other glittle is literally an angel who is ALWAYS excited to see me and is the one giving ME hugs and sayingI love you and wanting me to say it back to her. Of course I would reciprocate her love!!!) I really wanted things to be good (or at this point.. at least okay) with her. I intended to talk to her in the beginning of the summer, after she completely ignored me when I saw her at preview... but I never built up the courage or made the time to ask. Now I will be seeing her tomorrow, and I don't know how to act. I have been advised to and also kind of want to talk things out with her, just to try (and what happens... que sera sera), but another side of me as been told and feels that there are truly people out there who will just not cooperate with you, who will see you as a bad guy, no matter what you do. Because it makes them feel better about themselves. And thus, I should just try to move on, and learn that hard lesson. I still don't know what I want to do yet. But, I just hope this retreat is enjoyable. :( 2nd thing that has been haunting me is... my relationship with Scott. It's literally in shambles. When people ask me what's going on, I say I don't know, I shrug, I laugh... because it's just in shambles. It had been going downhill since probably our 2nd anniversary. I think I probably got mad at Scott for another dumb thing, or got jealous about something again... but our fights just got worse and worse. I got worse. And to be honest, I treated him so poorly by the end of it. I treat him poorly now. At some point, I stopped wanting or caring if he was happy. I guess it's because his happy-go-lucky-but-neglectful attitude made me feel like HE didn't care if I was happy. In that last year, I expected him to do this and that, and became so dependent on him that I truly did take him away for a lot of time. (Though I still dont think his dumb sister's talk with me was justified at all... she and they got their own problems, HAD their own problems, before I even came into the picture. And they're still there and yes, my presence made then worse, but ultimately that's something THEY need to fix and SHE should've talked to Scott about FIRST before blaming me. Smh she has to work on her goddamn social skills, they're somehow worse than mine.) ANYWAY... I did take up a lot of his time, and got too dependent on him. During that year, I guess I thought we still had a chance of getting better. I guess I wanted and believed he would change into the guy I wanted. I would just get mad at him for not meeting my expectations as a boyfriend... (to be fair... LITERALLY who brings ONE sandwich, to a picnic date for 2. Insane). Though on the otherhand, my expectations are pretty high. Maybe too high... who knows. All I am sure about is that we definitely aren't working out at all. Not as an official couple, and not as a title-less couple, and not even as FWB. And our lives are starting on different journeys. It makes me sad, but this is truly one of those points where two lines converge, but eventually drift apart. Those lines are our lives, and that point where they touched was us. But we are at the end of us. I need to have the strength to keep my distance. So we can finally, officially end it. It will hurt a lot, but it is necessary for us to move on. Anyways... those are the things that have been haunting me. I just want to have a positive mindset. When it comes to my social shambles, sometimes I think towards them negatively. But I want to stop. The only way for me to move on is to not think about it at all. I want to hope for the best for them, and if they don't like me or want me in their lives, then that's fine. I want to stop worrying about it. I don't want to feel anxiety whenever I see them, whether in real life or social media. I want to be free and to be happy. I just want to be happy again. :(
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