Fragments of Me.

I am ishkav. I am gifted with metacognition. I can see myself but can't control. the person I am in, is not in my control. It does nothing, cares for nothing. I write whatever I observed in it before it could change in moments.

[ishkav]

About me

I forgot to introduce myself this long.

Name: Ishkav (fake, obviously 🙂)

Hobbies: introspection, programming, cryptography.

Personality: INTJ 5w6

Currently: Student

Anonymous but Honest

[ishkav]

I think that this part of my life is ending soon.

Everything would change in next couple of months.

I don't feel like posting here anymore....

[ishkav]

Results came,

Rank low.

I don't think I am getting anything.

Weather it would be any private college.

A brach i don't want.

Or a drop.

[ishkav]

Maybe things are similar the both ways,

I keep telling my mother to learn to use her own bank account, learn to type and use phone, practice reading because she is now forgetting to read.

But she ignored, made me the villain by assuming that I am trying to blame her for being uneducated.

Maybe because she will never need to use phone as she only watch reels, maybe she never needs to use to learn bank because she thinks that she should depend on her husband regarding this to be a perfect wife, maybe she would never need to read because she loves watching movies.

She keeps telling me to learn how to clean house properly, cooks soo many traditional food which takes hours to be prepared, learn to sew, learn to obey elders blindly because I may need their help , etc.

And i never listen to her, because I don't need to clean house that way as I don't have OCD like hers, I have a very sensitive gut and a genuine aversion from traditional taste so I am never going to cook them. I mean seriously , my diet have been reduced to half, I vomit everyday, I just can't handle those. But my voice is not heard just because I don't have allergy.

Also, in this time, who is going to spend hours on food which doesn't taste that good to the cook himself. I know basic sewing so I can repair some tears, I don't need to learn to tailor whole dress. I am not going to need help of elders of my family because of practical reason, they can't even read! They don't know studd and still living in 1990s rural life. I will need help of others for sure but it need social skills for it , not blind obedience.

[ishkav]

I hope we all had a button and we could have been able to just press it and leave this world just like a game. I hate that I am a living person and i need to live.

[ishkav]

I have reached the same point circling.

I again want to die.

[ishkav]

Once again,

I wish I was an apple.

[ishkav]

A promise.

When I would finally leave my toxic parents sowe years later, I will record a video of me for whole day.

[ishkav]

The thing is, even after that many days of nothing. I am still not feeling my body relaxing. As if there are still many vibrations on my nerves. And feeling of lower legs being heavy.

[ishkav]

I slept 11 hours today.

[ishkav]

Ok, so I did absolutely nothing and I am scoring ≈ 97% in maths.

Great .

But physics and chemistry?

Hell.

It's just ≈60.

I already told that I have a terrible memory. Chemistry have a lot of common names, structures, and reactions which I will never have any relation till births.

And physics have a lot of formulas and I keep forgetting, and I can't just derive each single one on back of the question paper.

Sometimes I wonder, am I sure oxygen is not a halogen? And then I correct myself reminding the last second period's elements.

Only physical chemistry keeps up my confidence or it won't take any longer for me to get an panic attack.

Maybe because they are subjects like web, where I am missing connections.

[ishkav]

The expectations of ≈97% is the reason I lost my rank. I panicked when I saw that time have left and I am not scoring as expected. And in that anxiety, I did everything wrong. I didn't read each question and ticked the answers. I didn't read the conditions and solved them. Many of then were soo easy, but I still got them wrong.

Thinking of taking partial drop.

[ishkav]

Again was threatened to be beaten.

Because according to them, I would behave after that.

What does behaving mean exactly?

[ishkav]

I cannot stop myself.

The whole day, I either sleep or keep checking cutoffs of different colleges.

Actually there are a lot of colleges but I cannot afford any except 2 of them. And both of them are in high demand.

My father in anger announced that my studies are not going to profit him anything so he doesn't care. And now I am 100% that he is not going to form his income certificate which could give me a lot of goverment scholarships.

At this point, I am ready to take any branch and study for next attempt of exam. I know that I would need to start my college again the next year but atleast it won't be wasted at all and I would still study 2 semesters of soemthi which is informative but not what I want.

I don't know what to do. The only thing that is keeping me calm at their moment is the thought of restarting my college the next year by given entrance exam one more time. I know that it's called a 'drop year' but if I stay at home I will never be able to live.

I don't know what I will answer my teachers? That I scored low because I panicke in exam? I can't believe how I could do that. It was the lowest score I have ever got. I was at 96% in maths and I scored 50 there. How?

[ishkav]

Feels like everything ended.

Everything was going fine until the last exam. I had high expectations from that and when I panicked with time slipping, I went out of control. I ticked many answers without much solving, and almost all went wrong.

Exams are hard for everything, I understabd that. But the problem arises when I did easiest of the questions wrong.

I lost my mind , I don't know what was there that I forgot to solve easier ones before . And even when I had very less time left, I tried to solve everything.

Sometimes, it felt like I was hallucinating, i know I was a specific word in the question. But after exam, the printed workde somehow changed.

Someone told me that life doesn't ends. But their would tell me the same even if I loose my both hands and legs.

I dotn know what could be done.

Should I give exam again? but I can't wait for another year. Should I get any low colleges which is maybe in the end of another city? And then give entrance exam again the next year?

[ishkav]

3 days left.

[ishkav]

6 days left.

I don't know why I try to kill myself. I mean I have entrance exam in less than a week. And 1 mark is equal to 3 on basis of merit which include other previously given marks too. Even 1 matters a lot. And I did nothing. I realised it yesterday on how terrible I am at chemistry.

Some days ago, I told that i score ≈ 60 in chemistry,

Well , update.

It's 50% now.

I don't know what the hell I am doing. The chole chemistry seems to just change like mandela effect.

I thought physics would be harder but I don't think so. But actually, it is.

I am just analysis my result instead of working.

How well I ignored the person who told me to act and never overthink outcomes. But I am a probability calculating machine. I just can't. But 1 am trying.

Really.

[ishkav]

Ok, so I did absolutely nothing and I am scoring ≈ 97% in maths.

Great .

But physics and chemistry?

Hell.

It's just ≈60.

I already told that I have a terrible memory. Chemistry have a lot of common names, structures, and reactions which I will never have any relation till births.

And physics have a lot of formulas and I keep forgetting, and I can't just derive each single one on back of the question paper.

Sometimes I wonder, am I sure oxygen is not a halogen? And then I correct myself reminding the last second period's elements.

Only physical chemistry keeps up my confidence or it won't take any longer for me to get an panic attack.

Maybe because they are subjects like web, where I am missing connections.