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@islagossip-blog
Is brooks mommy kink full fledged? Should we be worried?
helloooo? are you new here or something? it’s brooks mcknight, sweaty. you should always be worried, especially now that he’s acting like an even bigger bitch baby than he usually does. i advice you to carry a pacifier with you at all times so you can jam it in that big mouth of his whenever he tries to open it.
hottest guys
the hartman boys !!! it’s not a secret that they make all the panties drop!
most desperate here on isla?
kristoffer nilsen always seems to be Doing The Most, trying to make himself relevant with his bougie car even though no1currs. oh, and of course the entire mcknight family is the textbook definition of extra. however, amelia hyatt is probably the biggest attention whore of all, though. i don’t think anyone can argue me on this. does that woman ever stop whining and moaning about how hard her life is?
I want harry and Everest to fuck
are you kidding me? hevers talks far too much during to get anything done. face it, the only way those dorks will ever lose their v-cards is if they bought a hamster, named it ‘virginity’ and then left the cage open.
the library is officially open again, snakes! what’s the ☕ isla ??
worst parents
how am i supposed to answer this when none of y’all should have ever reproduced ??? but the award goes to amelia hyatt for spending all her time sobbing and drinking instead of, i dunno, having a conversation with her children like an adult ? what a concept. i guess she had to get an award for something, though ! a meryl she is not. congratulations ! you even beat out a woman who straight up abandoned her kids for a hot piece of ass, aka the runner-up.
recast gossip girl
the children are boring me, so we’ll do this entirely with parents:
melanie townsend as blair waldorf. the true queen.
amelia hyatt as serena van der woodsen. kind of a queen, mostly a mess.
maggie mcknight as chuck bass. owns hotels & makes terrible life choices, but we’re still somehow supposed to think she’s the victim.
xavier walsh as nate archibald. dumb. like. super dumb. but also pretty.
sonja hartman as jenny humphrey. we all know a wannabe when we see one.
keith carmichael as dan humphrey. puts forward the image of a good guy, but can we really trust him?
sebastian walsh as vanessa abrams. activists like to seem like they’re above all of this, but you’re still on vacation here with the rest of us.
opinion on the townsends returning to the island?
no tea, no shade, it’s a power move to be able to come back after a tragedy like losing a child, and talking smack about a death in the fam is the epitome of déclassé. good on them for trying to heal, kumbaya, blah blah. now that we have that out of the way! all tea all shade—why come back if they’re all just going to sit around looking sad and constipated the whole time anyway?
recast mean girls
aiden hyatt as regina george. obviously. although really, i think aiden should be coach carr, because he also needs to be told to step away from the underage girls.
catalina garcia as gretchen wieners. her hair is full of secrets.
hudson carmichael as cady heron, because who else could overthrow aiden’s regina?
brooks mcknight as karen smith. has definitey kissed his cousin.
matteo serafino as aaron samuels. his hair looks sexy pushed back.
tony mcknight as janis ian. she also dreams of diving into a pit of girls.
sahara walsh as damian leigh. she’s just too gay to function.
amelia hyatt as regina’s mom. she’s literally aiden’s mom, plus she’s a cool mom, right regina?
cindy winters as mrs norbury. she’s a pusher. she pushes people. plus she also seems to be barely holding her life together post-divorce, so, you know.
most annoying person in each family?
everyone is so annoying that this is honestly an extremely difficult question, and we really should just say harry hyatt & brooks mcknight are the most annoying even for the families they aren’t related to. but!
bensons: andre. a fuckboy! never seen one of those before.
carmichaels: keith. nobody likes a martyr.
hyatts: harry. obviously.
garcias: cat. oh my god, we get it, you’re so hot and perfect and well-traveled! unclench.
guillorys: who can even tell them apart? they’re all blond, white, and annoying. but i guess i’ll have to go with elise for being oh so innocent it’s tooth rotting.
hartmans: lucille. stripping in the middle of the beach is next-level attention seeking.
mcknights: brooks. mommy issues much?
nilsen: kris. literally everybody on this island is rich except for the sad people who aren’t. no one is impressed.
serafino: sofia, if only because we already know how i feel about mousy girls.
townsend: rory. we get it! you have trauma! that doesn’t mean you get a free pass on not having a personality!
walsh: xavier. no one likes old people who use snapchat to try to stay “hip.”
Here's the actual tea having all the money in the world doesn't make these people interesting.
well, you know what they say—people who are attractive and people who have a lot of money suffer from never needing to develop a personality, and since only two and a half people on this island are anything worth looking at, it must be the money thing. not sure what the excuse is for the bensons or the hartmans, though!
how do you rate the townsend family?
7/10 but if they didn’t bore me to pieces, i would have rated their pretty faces higher.
what is it with being hot and rich? is it some sort of voodoo?
no magic involved there whatsoever. it’s called nose-jobs and injectables, and in most cases it’s paid for by mommy or daddy’s creditcard. the only wicked witch on the island doesn’t come from the west, but from down under, and is named maggie mccougartrash.
how do you rate the benson family?
0/10. sorry, i’m allergic to poor people.
every time Elise opens her mouth I get an anti-boner
if i were you, i’d stay far away from her mouth as possible! in case you didn’t know, she has been hooking up with that manwhore aiden, which means she could most likely impregnate someone with her saliva by now.
how much of Brooks manwhore ways are a result of his deep seeded mommy issues?
all of them? because of maggie’s shitty parenting skills, we’re stuck here with a ginger douchebag who tricks insecure girls into liking him because he's 'complicated'. but let’s be real, maggie probably has them too since she’s banging a girl who’s old enough to be her daughter. it’s an endless cycle, a nightmare that will never end.
Five years from now Aiden is going to be a has been, with a beer belly, and on his third wife.
thanks for pointing out the obvious, mystic meg. you forgot to mention the saddest part though, which is that thirsty elise would still there for him, with open arms, open legs and an open mouth.