No, you don't want a righteous spouse.
Probably one of the most frustrating things to see Muslims complain about is not finding that âperfectâ spouse. That pious niqabi or that handsome 6ft 2 brother in a thobe, with the long beard and shemagh. Iâve said this many times before and anyone who knows me knows Iâm adamant about this point.. You donât want a pious spouse.
You want a playmate. You want a body next to you. You want that picture you see on all the sappy posts about âmarriageâ with often fabricated ahadeeth or false stories about âAhmad and Zaynabâs love story <3333". Â You love the idea of love. Which, to be honest, isnât even love but a obssession with what society has influenced you to think is 'true loveâ.Â
Right now, someone is reading this and getting angry. So you may ask, why do I say you-rather we-collectively, donât want a pious spouse? Well, letâs be honest. When *most* people think of marriage they arenât thinking about Allah. Actually, I would argue Allah is the last thing that comes to our mind. So many of us are Muslim by culture, not by strong conviction in this deen. Which is why so many brothers and sisters free-mix and try to find a spouse online using haraam methods. If Allah was the central focal point in our lives the only thing that would happen online is the numbers and contact numbers of awliyyah(guardians) being exchanged. That, in most cases, does not happen. When people think of marriage in Islaam itâs not much different than the idea of marriage you find in non-Muslim social circles or what is portrayed in movies. Actually, there are many Muslims who promote famous or popular 'romanceâ movies saying, âAw I would love a Muslim story like thisâ. This is the problem. Youâre looking for someone to fulfill some dream you have in your head. Is romance haraam or is it wrong to want to be romantic with oneâs spouse? Of course not, but the initial point of all of this has to be Allah.
Why do we never ask ourselves, âWhy do I deserve a righteous spouse?â. Think about it. You have brothers mimicking rap artists in how they take photos(which shouldnât be taken in the first place). Staring and half-squinting at the camera to seem, Iâm not even sure what they think this look is? Sisters are openly taking pictures with makeup on and take shots of themselves with their hands on their hips or in some pose to show..what exactly? With all due respect, what righteous man or woman would marry people like this? We want playmates. People we can travel with and take 'cutesyâ pictures with(the fact that so-called salafis are doing this is heart-breaking) and all the other stereotypical romance tropes we get from society. Nothing is about coming closer to Allah or following the sunnah of his messenger. Itâs all dunyah based and with this type of thinking why do you think you deserve a pious spouse?
I say we donât want a pious spouse because of what that would entail. A pious woman would never marry a brother who openly shaves his beard, mimicks those who disbelieves in Allah, curses constantly, or is concerned only about dunyah matters. Rather the pious woman would reject a man who openly free-mixes or shows little to no interest in learning this deen. It used to be that the wali(her guardian) could simply say to men who maybe interested âIf you havenât memorized x amount of Quran then no need to come(seeking my daughterâs hand)â because the women of the past had higher standards thanâŠhe has alot of money. The pious woman respects her husband and is fully aware of the magnitude of his rights upon her and those ahadeeth related to his rights such as him calling her to bed(for intimacy) and the subsequent threat if she refuses him(unjustly) or the hadeeth which states âIf I could make anyone prostrate to anyone I would order the woman to prostrate to her husbandâ(something similar to this:ref later) do not bother her because she knows her lord and what he obligated upon her. So in keeping his rights the man must keep her rights. He must provide for her. Be a man of his home and the Imam. If you are a brother who likes to sit around and just play and not remember Allah or you pray quickly with no khushooâ this type of woman is going to be a problem. She would be reminding you and warning you from wasiting time. Thatâs all we want to do today is waste time.
Likewise, a pious man would be hated by a woman who believes herself 'independentâ from him or who likes to dress however she pleases. Many sisters today canât stand the advice of scholars about hijab so what do you think about someone in her own home advising her? General obedience would be an issue and what pious man will put with a woman who does not listen? We donât want pious spouses we just want to be next to someone. We want to sit down and play and then maybe go to the masjid and eid celebrations and take cute pictures but as for actually striving for jannah, together? We donât really think about that the way we claim we do. Spouses who are righteous work to learn this deen. To teach their children, but many of us canât be bothered to stop free-mixing. How are we gonna strive for jannah with anyone when the simplest of rulings is too much for us?
Does this mean one should give up or that a person must be perfect before they marry. Of course not, but it does mean we need to really change our views on marriage and what is expected of us when we take such an important relationship on. Allah must be the focal point and his book and the sunnah must be the reference point that is turned back to. That requires that, yes, you need to seek knowledge. You need to know your role and your obligations. If you leave this off then donât say you cant find a 'righteous spouseâ.
You never wanted one in the first place.
No, you don't want a righteous spouse...
