A Miscellany

I love Minnesota, and the ocean, and am currently trying to reconcile those facts.

[isopod]

Uh, hi.

(What have I missed?)

[isopod]

I scrubbed the floors today. I moved furniture and scraped old marks with a putty knife, swept and mopped and waxed.

When Dolal Idd was killed, I cooked.

George Floyd, I gardened.

Philando Castile, I baked so many cookies I ran out of surfaces in my apartment.

I hate that I know that my anxious brain needs household tasks when yet another black man is murdered by police in my community. I hate that it's so common that I have habits around it.

[isopod]

Yesterday, everything was too much. I'm so angry we're not shut down, local teachers are picketing for distance learning, my entire family works in healthcare and we've built an isolation space in our house and I'm so tired/angry/anxious/upset.

And then an acquaintance saw the incitinng event last night in Minneapolis, and the person who was shot and survived in Kenosha is a friend of a friend, and I've moved from anger back to mourning.

[isopod]

I bought myself an inflatable kayak for my birthday this summer, and it's been so lovely. I've been poking around on local lakes and rivers but my favorite right now is this long, narrow, shallow lake covered in water lilies. There's so much life: turtles and birds and waterbugs and many kinds of water plants. Just wandering around and seeing who is there is a delight.

My family is okay. My partner came to stay with us at the beginning of stay at home, and we're just making that permanent, so I'm now a 30something living with her parents and her partner, which feels like something I have to protect from other people's judgment.

It's absurd that this is the first summer in at least 5 years that I'm not too exhausted to enjoy.

[isopod]

If I had gotten the job I was up for last year, the one that sent me into a spiral I was almost pulling out of by late March, I would've been laid off last week.

Which is a complicated set of emotions to process. I'm not sure I have the capacity to work through all that.

[isopod]

I'm watching a storm roll in.

On the one hand, I'm thankful for the rain, and I love seeing the sky change.

On the other, I'm angry that this storm won't provide the after-the-storm relief, because the other storm is still here.

Things have gotten worse at all my family members' workplaces. Testing is lower but there are more apparent cases.

I planted tomato seeds I picked up from a community organization. Some popped up yesterday, a few more today. I haven't built the garden for them yet. It feels apt and also like hope. I keep going back to look at them and exclaiming "Baby plants!"

[isopod]

My family made our plan for isolating family members in the house when they're exposed. For my parents (both nurses), it's a when, not an if, especially given that they're working without, with limited, or with homemade PPE.

And making the plan is reasonable, but I'm so angry I can't see straight. My over-60 parents are expected to martyr themselves because their organizations failed to prepare for a pandemic, because the government didn't bother to get companies to ramp up PPE production, because the federal government is heisting state orders of PPE and sending it... somewhere unknown.

[isopod]

On the one hand, it seems unfair that intense cramps don't just stop because there's a pandemic.

On the other, it's so very nice to feel okay about curling up in bed all day. The pain makes it less enjoyable but it's such a better experience for me than not being able to get out of bed for mental health reasons.

[isopod]

(laughs hysterically)

[isopod]

Tiny life update:

I hadn’t been able to make anything since the world changed. Last night, I finished my first art piece since... Christmas? I think? It makes me feel more like myself.

My boyfriend moved in with us for the duration of the stay at home order (at least). I’m so, so thankful. My mental health was already rough before all this started, and he helps level me out. We take good care of each other. And it's nice to know we can make space for each other's much-needed alone time while also depending on each other.

I usually see my grandparents once a week. I miss them.

My family is okay for now. In my state, our medical facilities aren't overwhelmed yet. But seeing the prepeak fallout (healthcare workers being furloughed, forced paycuts, layoffs, the stress of the feeling of oncoming doom) is awful. I was already convinced of the need for universal healthcare decoupled from profit motives, but seeing all this up close has definitely solidified that.

[isopod]

My entire immediate family is in healthcare. 1 in 5 Covid cases are healthcare workers.

I'm exhausted.

[isopod]

Okay I’m going on a date tomorrow.

I haven’t been on one in ten years.

I just invited him to something I was going to do anyways, so I’ll probably enjoy it. We’ve messaged a bunch and I kind of keep yelling at my computer HOW ARE YOU EVEN REAL because it’s been lovely.

So. Deep breath.

My fingers are SO COLD and I’m full of what-ifs.

[isopod]

So this was a year ago.

I still regularly ask him how he's even real. He's a delight and I'm so thankful for this year with him. We make art together and read together and walk together.

Both of us have been through some big things in this last year, and we've supported each other through them.

It's good.

[isopod]

Dealing with my current wave of depression is exhausting and challenging and ugh, but also it's clarifying? I've always had a remarkably high tolerance for bullshit, and a tendency to assume I'm in the wrong.

But right now, I can't take anyone's bullshit. I have exactly what I can carry, and if I try to take anything else, I'll go underwater and have to work even harder to get back to floating.

And so, multiple times today, I didn't change something when asked, I didn't respond to unnecessary backstory, I didn't hide my frustration when someone acted unprofessionally.

It's freeing. I can't be the people pleaser right now, and realizing I don't have to be is shocking.

[isopod]

I've been in bad shape since late December, which is hard, to say the least. I'm safe. Everything is difficult.

But I have a support system here. I have routines. I have people. I have friends who check in and offer concrete plans and a wonderful, kind, supportive partner who isn't afraid of my sadness.

I'm in bad shape, but it's not as scary when I'm being taken care of so well.

[isopod]

I had a conversation with coworkers this morning that helped me see I am not likely to ever be happy in that workplace, got an official rejection for the dream job I was in the running for this afternoon, and came home to a broken Christmas tree.

At some point this will round the bend into funny, but I've been sobbing for 1.5 hours and it shows no signs of stopping.

[isopod]

I made it to the next round.

Holy shit.

[isopod]

Also I have a preliminary interview for a Dream Job at a Dream Workplace in a Dream Location on Friday, and it's just when I'd decided I'm okay with where I am. Like the same week I decided okay, no more apps for a while, I can make what I'm doing work and I really like the relative freedom, this interview offer happens (I'd given up on hearing back on this one).

I'll be okay whatever way this goes.