Here are ten things I learned from the death of my father. Now, by no means, am I saying with this post "I should have" or "I could have". This is not a post to beat myself up. These are just matter-of-fact lessons I will remember as I move forward in life. At the end of these ten lessons, I share the eulogy that I wrote about my father for the church service. It is a quick summary of my father's 82 years of life and 50 years of marriage with my mother.
Before I share the ten things, I do have to mention something funny that happened today. I spoke to my mother and asked her, "Mom, did Dad say goodbye to you before he left? He seemed to be saying goodbye to a lot of people like he knew it was going to happen." She responded, "No. He didn't say goodbye. The only thing he said was that we would go to the movies tomorrow and watch the new Marvel movie 'Black Widow' with Scarlett Johannson. But instead of watching Black Widow, I ended up becoming a widow." Then she laughed. I am glad that she has a sense of humor about things.
So now onto the ten lessons. These are in no particular order.
#10 - Never pass up the opportunity to check-in on your parents.
For the last couple of years prior to my father's death, I was living with him and my mother. I brought him to the hospital and picked him up when it was needed; and my son and I were the first ones to discover that he died. During this time period, since I saw him every day, the times when I would leave the house or enter the house, I did not always check-in on my parents. I did my own thing in terms of work or parenting or my social activities. There were times I could have checked in on my father, and had I made it a habit, I may have noticed earlier on the day that he died - that his heart stopped. I might have noticed this an hour or two earlier - rather than the time I found him when he had already been dead - possibly one to three hours after his death.
#9 - Take the time to learn about your family member's medical condition.
I knew that my father had cardiovascular disease. I knew his arteries were clogged. I knew his heart was only functioning at 25%. I knew he was a ticking time bomb. And I knew he went to the hospital twice in the past eight months for chest pain. But this was only superficial medical information that I had received second hand verbally. I never really researched what was happening to my father and his health. I believe that had I known more, maybe my conversations and actions with him would have been a bit different because I would have felt a greater urgency to have things organized prior to his death or I would have thought of other ways to talk to him about managing his health.
#8 - Pay attention to the changes in the Matrix.
My father was a disciplined man of routines and habits. Whenever there was a change in any of this, he always had a reason. I saw these changes, but I really didn't think anything about them. Looking back, maybe I would have paid more attention. For example, my father was frugal. He didn't like to spend any money. We used to go to a weekly informal chess group at Jersey Mike's Sandwich Shop. He didn't like to spend money there. He was only there for chess. But during the last three weeks of his life, he would ask me and my son if we wanted to buy anything at the sandwich shop, and he said it was his treat. Also, on the day before he died, he asked me to play chess against him. He never asked me to do that at the chess club. My games with him were usually done at the house because we always saw each other. It was strange that he would ask me to play chess at the club. I told him no. Then I asked him to play against my friend Lee instead. Also, the day before he died, he asked my mother to go to the movies. He never liked paying to go to the movies. These little habits could have signaled to me that he saw his life coming to an end.
#7 - Refer to many sources before making a medical decision.
The last time I was at the hospital with my father two months prior to his death, the doctor and staff told my father what the medical staff told him 6 months prior at a different hospital. He needed to get an angiogram and then probably a stent. He had to decide whether or not to undergo this invasive procedure at the age of 82. The doctor and staff didn't take the time to explain the procedure or the consequences in depth. They didn't have time. The hospital was full. They just told him the basic information of what they believed needed to be done based on his EEG and the consequences of what could happen to him if he refused. They said if he did not want to listen to them, he would have to sign off that he would be leaving the hospital on his own volition. Basically, I tried convincing Dad as best I could to stay in the hospital and get the procedures done. But I did this with only the information given to me by the staff and the doctor. I did not really read extensively about angiograms or stents nor did I call many of my family members and friends that were doctors and nurses. I could have called them and gotten more information to help my father make a more informed decision that he would be comfortable with. My father, with the little information he had about stents and angiograms, decided to make his own gut decision to leave the hospital because he believed he would not be able to survive the procedures at the age of 82. He said he had a "bad gut feeling". So he left (and I let him leave) and two months later, he died.
#6 - Let your parent's spouse go with their gut on how to take care of their spouse.
When my father got home from the hospital, I didn't know what to do and I knew my father was a ticking time bomb as the doctor said. So I argued with my mother about putting him on an all-vegan diet. After much argument and yelling, she relented and Dad was on a mostly vegan diet for his last two months on this planet. We were arguing because I thought a vegan diet would give him his last fighting chance to stay alive with a clogged heart. My mother's argument was that she wanted to keep him on his non-vegetable Filipino diet because it was the foods that he loved and that made him happy. My father ended up dying two months after that argument. So maybe I should have gone with what my mother said and let him eat whatever he wanted and whatever made him happy during the last two months of his life.
#5 - Your life has a shot clock.
A shot clock is a timer in a basketball game that gives each team a certain number of seconds during each possession to shoot the ball and hit the basket. When the timer is up, a buzzer goes off and the team loses possession if the ball has not hit the basket. Everyone has dreams and goals, but our dreams and goals have a shot clock just like the basketball game. I wanted my father to see me accomplish many things before he died. I also wanted to do a number of things for him and and my mother before he died. But the buzzer went off before I could do those things. I didn't have a sense of urgency because one never things his parents will ever die. But they do, and when they do, will you be satisfied with what you showed them and what you gave them in your life?
#4 - It is okay not to be the same after your parents' death.
There is a quote by Elizabeth Kubler Ross about death and dying that was apropos for the funeral service which I read to my family and friends. Here is the quote. "The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but, you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to be."
A parent's death does indeed transform you. It is powerful and can be positive in many ways. Take advantage of it and live a greater life from the experience you have gained from your parent's life and death.
#3 - Your parent has already seen a glimpse of what you will become or what you will accomplish.
One may believe that there is so much that has not been completed that he wanted his father or his parent to see, but he will not be able to. Have comfort in knowing that the mere fact that your parent has seen you at least begin your journey to these accomplishments is enough for him to know of what you may or will become.
#2 - Even though your parent is dead, they are still watching over your life.
Your parent is watching you beyond the grave. When big things happen in your life, they will see it and their spirit will continue to be with you for the rest of your life. No matter what you believe, their energy is still there.
#1 - Do everything as early as possible.
I got my father on a vegan diet two months before he died. Imagine if I would have gotten him on a vegan diet 17 years ago after his quadruple bypass, what might have his heart function have been? Could he have lived longer? Could going vegan have reversed the clogging in his heart? I don't know. But changing his diet two months before he died was not enough time.
This lesson also applies to the at-home activities I wanted to do with my father. I wanted to make a recording of him sharing his life to a video camera. I never got around to it because I really didn't believe he would die when he did.
And as annoying as it may sound, this lesson applies to funeral preparation, insurance, last will and testament, power of attorney, and all the other matters that a family does not want to discuss but should discuss for the sake of ease of transition after the passing of the family member.
ROMAN SOLIONGCO PEREDO, JR EULOGY
Here is the eulogy that I read for my Dad at the church service:
In the next 3-5 minutes, I seek to encapsulate the entire 82 years of my father’s life in this eulogy. I only have 3-5 minutes to do this because the barbecue beef brisket that we have for lunch is getting cold.
First, I would like to thank my son Grady (bring Grady to the podium). My son Grady was a brave young man as he was the one who first found my father and he was the one who helped me unlock the front door to my parents' house for the paramedics while I was upstairs giving my dad CPR compressions. I would like to thank my brother and sister, Perry and Pamela; my mother; my aunt and uncle, Tito Ben and Tita Vilma; and my aunt Tita Tita for being a tremendous support when we found out about my father’s death, for helping one another and organizing all the activities for today and for next week’s cremation.
I want to thank all of you for coming today especially everyone that changed their schedule within a 24 hour time period to attend these services today to pay respects to my father.
So, about my Dad. My father, Roman Soliongco Peredo, Jr. was born in 1938 in Pasay City Philippines. Pasay is somewhat similar to Las Vegas in that it has a casino, it has large buildings, it has a big mall, and it has a red light district. My Dad loved Pasay City and he loved Las Vegas.
Dad was born three years before the entry of the US into World War 2. He would tell us stories about how the shrapnel from the mortar rockets and shells from the Japanese bombings would fatally injure his family and friends during that difficult time. He told us about how during the Japanese occupation, there were Japanese soldiers that would knock him down on his knees as a child with the butt of their guns. But he also told a story about how another Japanese soldier was nice to him because my Dad reminded the Japanese soldier of his son. So Dad would get treats from him.
It is only recently that I found out my father was part of a Pasay City gang when he was a teenager. But then he grew out of that because he had to grow up fast as his mother died at the age of 25 and his father died at the age of 49. So he didn’t get to see much of either of his parents. His father was an engineer on the naval ships so he would be away from my dad for months at a time. But even though he was away, he was able to save enough money and secure enough clout with the government to help get my Dad into De La Salle college, one of the top business schools in the Philippines. And it is at that college, where he graduated at the age of 18 because he skipped two grades in elementary school and he was able to finish up his college courses a year early. My Dad did AP classes before there were AP classes. That’s why I think AP stands for At Pasay.
Since Dad graduated college so early, it was hard for him to get a job since he was so young, so he decided to study for the CPA exam and compete in the Philippine National Junior Chess Tournament. He passed the CPA exam and he placed 8th in the country in the chess tournament.
My Dad worked for a couple of banks in the Philippines. One of them was Peoples Bank, where he met many of his lifelong friends, including my Uncle Ben. My uncle Ben introduced him to my mother. They knew each other for 6 years and then got married on October 3, 1970 at Pope Pius Church and the Manila Hotel. They were married for 50 years. Last October was their 50th anniversary. They had three children and 4 grandchildren, 2 step grandchildren, and a partridge in a pear tree.
When my father and mother came to the US in 1975, they first came to New York and then New Jersey. My dad worked for a couple of different banks until he finally settled at the New York State Banking Department for 25 years. At the NYSB, he was the first Filipino-American to be named a Principal Bank Examiner giving him the responsibility to audit the largest banks in the world. Knowing this about my Dad, I never told him about the overdraft I had in one of my bank accounts a few years ago.
My father and mother took Perry, Pamela, and me on road trips all over the United States. Dad loved roller coasters and he wanted Perry, Pam, and me to always ride on roller coasters with him, but I was too scared of roller coasters. Eventually I realized I was more scared of my father, so I started riding roller coasters too. We visited the top 50 amusement parks in the United States during these road trips over a 12 year period.
My father retired at the age of 65 and enjoyed retirement for 17 years. He loved watching sports - college football, women’s soccer, the WNBA, the Olympics, the World Cup; and he also loved to watch the arts – the Academy Awards, Grammy Awards, and the Miss Universe and Miss USA pageants. He loved science-fiction and Star Trek and he loved learning about aliens and UFOs. I believe when he passed that he truly thought everything came from aliens and UFOs. He even thought my mom, Perry and Pam could be aliens from another galaxy. As for me, he knew without a doubt I was an alien because I am half a foot taller and 50 pounds heavier than everyone in the family.
My father had amazing penmanship and an awesome signature. His writing was much like his life – it was elegant, exacting, and truly beautiful.
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