the ramblings of a nothing

This is part blog, part sh*t-posting. Good luck figuring out which is which

[ithinktoomuchsometimes-blog]

You Made A Beautiful Disaster Out Of Me - 6

Zinnia

I know I’m lonely. It’s a hard thing to miss. It’s like she left a hole where she used to be, and nothing seems to fill it. It’s not just a pit - it’s a black hole. It keeps being fed - smiles of close acquaintances, compliments, ‘friends’ - but it never feels full. It’s never sated. 

I want to love again, I think. Or, at least, pretend. I’ve already mentioned my apathetic tendencies. My version of love is a tad one-sided. Sure, I’ll play the part. I can cuddle, and hold hands. I’ve kissed. I’ve held her tight. I’ve comforted, I’ve dated. But, in a way, the closest I've ever had to feeling was with her. 

I want that again.

-ATLAS

[ithinktoomuchsometimes-blog]

You Made A Beautiful Disaster Out Of Me - 5

Anemone

Sometimes it feels like I’m trapped. Like there's a wall between where I stand and reality. I can’t ask for help. It swallows all the sound from my throat. 

Suffocating. 

Am I Fortunato? I feel like all the oxygen is being snatched from the air, leaving me gasping. No matter how I bargain, cry, scratch, scream, I’m trapped. There is no escape. I’m chained, trapped behind this wall. 

Whose the person behind the brick and mortar?

Am I fated to rot here? 

-ATLAS

[ithinktoomuchsometimes-blog]

You Made A Beautiful Disaster Out Of Me - 4

Salvia

There’s a mouse in the walls behind my bed. I hear it, crawling around, scratching. It wakes me up at night, and my first thought was that I needed to invest in mousetraps.

But it’s getting colder outside. Some frost has already painted the early grass, leaving it glittering in the morning marigold of sunrise. The mice are much less fortunate than me, than humans. They live off what they find. If they find nothing, they die. If they find no warmth, they die. So they’ve invaded my house, looking for warmth and food. Often, they venture into humanity’s clutches for the winter, and they are met with poison and the metal snap of traps.

What makes us worth more than the mice in the walls? We all just want to live. Humans like to make excuses as to why we are the only thing that matters on Earth.

Nonetheless. 

To the mouse scratching through my walls at the breaking of dawn - I left some fruit and bread by the back door.

- ATLAS

[ithinktoomuchsometimes-blog]

You Made A Beautiful Disaster Out Of Me - 3

Forget-Me-Nots

I’ve noticed that as a species, humans detest the thought of being lost. We bond with anything, simply because we don’t want to be forgotten. We crave to be remembered, so we imprint ourselves on everything, anything, to fight that bitter cold inevitability of disappearing.

Once, I was out shopping with a friend - we’ll call her S for the sake of anonymity - at a big commercial superstore. We stopped by clearance (because duh, we’re broke) when S found the weirdest thing we’d ever seen, sitting in the very back of the bottom shelf (don’t ask me how she saw it).

I think it was a tribute to a lost era; covered in glitter and sequins, it was shaped like a seal-llama hybrid monstrosity. The package was banged up beyond repair, covered in a thick layer of dust. It had been there for a very, very long time. But S paid $6 for that thing. When I asked why - Why did you pay six dollars for that? - the response I received was this, “If I don’t love it, who will?”

I think about that a lot.

- ATLAS

[ithinktoomuchsometimes-blog]

Math class Shenanigans 1

Teacher: "So, is there anyone here who thinks they have a legitimate reason to not take the test today?"

Guy #1: "I wasn't here last class"

Teacher: "Okay, that's fine. You'll take it next class"

Guy #2: "I have a game tonight"

Teacher: "Just because you play football doesn't mean you get a pass. You're taking it."

Guy #3: "I just ate $120 worth of McDonald's"

Teacher: "Holy sh*t you better take the test before you keel over and die!"

[ithinktoomuchsometimes-blog]

You Made A Beautiful Disaster Out Of Me - 2

Lilacs 

It didn’t take me long to realize I was broken. 

When everyone feels and you just don’t, you learn quickly that you're different. I don’t remember ever having emotions; just what happened when they occur. I remember crying, but not being sad. I remember screaming but never being mad. I remember laughing -  I laugh a lot - but I don’t feel a thing. People describe feelings so vividly; a fire in the chest, a swell in the lungs, a warmth on the cheek. I nod and agree, but really, I've never understood. How do you feel emotion?

Even when I’m crying, screaming, or laughing - I’m confused. I'm numb inside, a blank slate trying to fit in. I’m a robot among humans.

But I can play the part. Deep down, I know I have to have emotions. Maybe one day, I’ll put the pieces together.

- ATLAS

[ithinktoomuchsometimes-blog]

You Made A Beautiful Disaster Out Of Me - 1

Beginnings

I’d like to start this out with a warning. This isn’t directed towards anyone. There’s no target audience. There’s no subject. No plot. It won’t be updated frequently, nor on any schedule. There will be spelling mistakes.

This is for me. So. Hello to anyone who cares.

I have no extra time, nor a brilliant tale. Hell, I’m not even funny. I’m just confused. And alone. And so tired of having no voice that I’d rather bare my heart for the wolves out here than keep everything building inside.

So. I’m confused. I’m odd. Maybe I like it that way. Maybe I don’t.

I like to think that I have interesting things to say. Everyone does. I’d like to think I have meaning.

Do you ever look up at the stars and think about life? There are billions of stars out there. In the city, only the brightest break through the pollution. But in the country, between the oaks and the pine, the milky way sprawls like a stretching cat across the night sky. So many stars. If one blinked out, would it be noticed? It’s sad to think that all the stars we see are dead, living and dying thousands of miles away. 

When they fade... 

will we notice?

- ATLAS