My Heart is Still Unruly

she/her | bisexual weirdo just doing my best

[itisnotdefended]

You told me with heady tones how it felt,

Hands akimbo but your touch just so.

And you still found it in your heart to go,

Darkness cast out by a switch with light to show,

You wanted to see me.

I forgot how it felt to be wanted beyond having.

I forgot how it felt to be seen.

[itisnotdefended]

I promised myself I wouldnt be bored.

So why am I dawdling in the living room of

A man who thinks, in all his lived experience,

That "lmfao" is a complete sentence.

[itisnotdefended]

skrt skrt

it's been a really long time since i felt who i was and also saw who i wanted to be so clearly and separately. i've felt split before; relegated to the backseat while i watch others drive me around without a say. this is different. i'm in the driver's seat and i'm moving towards myself. i'm not with me in the car getting carted about - i'm out there in front.

now when i take a detour i feel a pulling, a sense of remorse in turning away that is also new. "go back towards yourself, where are you going?" i start to miss myself quickly now. i miss the sight of me and the sound of my thoughts. it makes me feel young and fresh and like i'm discovering myself for the first time again, despite time having sullenly marched forward while carrying me with it. forward, but not straight. the spiral i get to walk through time on has looped but i'm higher up on it now. i get to look down and in so doing look back. it feels like musty petrichor smells - nostalgic and familiar but still fighting through the grip of the last wintry freeze.

i have and always will want to be the object of someone's curiosity. ask me questions, dig in, try to turn over another stone in my head. please. i was full to bursting with words to share and thoughts left to wither to the point where when someone - literally the first person - who was genuinely curious about me toed past the line of reasonable behavior, i was too drunk on being seen to know better.

i was like an animal that had been released from a dark cage to finally feel the summer grass for the first time in its life. imagine feeling wanted. imagine feeling like someone wanted to understand. imagine feeling like a person. imagine someone wanting to hear what i said.

drunk off it.

but if you live your whole life in the desert, how would you ever know how good the rain feels? the animal in my brain simply felt and did not want to stop feeling until i felt myself fall apart. self immolation by hedonism. torched the whole damn thing.

dwelling on that is putting myself in the backseat again. i'm not there and i will not be there ever again. i cannot be loved by someone who is fearful of showing love, nor will they love me well if they struggle to love themselves well.

[cassandraebner]

If a girl is to do the same superman thing where he takes off his disguise, we just look pervy. Not the same effect

[durnesque-esque]

First of all: bullshit.

Secondly: If you are not doing the Linda Carter spin, then you’re doing it wrong.

[bei-fong-appreciation-blog]

how did you do that so smoothly? 

[bumbleshark]

thats some broadway musical shit

[haymitchdrinksfirewhiskey]

But seriously, I think I love you.

[0601254-deactivated20140502]

heck no, i’m callin dibs

[durnesque-esque]

Sorry friend, thatseanguyblogs called dibs first. ;) 

[thatseanguyblogs-deactivated201]

By the way, folks… We’re super engaged. Just fyi. :P

[durnesque-esque]

Well, we never got around to making a wedding gif, but still super-married and loving it. Happy Valentine’s Day!

[durnesque-esque]

[sandmandaddy69]

[itisnotdefended]

just because you loved me doesn't mean you loved me well

[itisnotdefended]

accidentally ghosting someone for six months and then rocking up into their dms like "oh hey do you still like me or nah"

[itisnotdefended]

i like tumblr cause it feels like i'm walking through an almost abandoned apartment building and i get to see people arguing passionately with ghosts in their rooms as i trundle past

(ie i hate watching grown adults jerk off to arguments perpetuated by themselves to make themselves feel better it's like really fucked up dopamine addiction just go watch porn like a normal person jesus fuck you're hurting yourself and others)

[itisnotdefended]

now, i've been known to go crashing into peoples' lives and upend some patterns in my time. not intentionally; these things just tend to happen. i'm a tornado.

so when someone comes into my life and starts to insidiously maneuver things around, reshuffling, tucking back branches so they snap onto whoever treads behind... well, let's just say i'm not observant. and i walk slow on trails. that branch will meet my face eventually.

getting to know me the last year must have been miserable. i've been all over the gaff. i've faffed about so much that it's less of a pastime, past a hobby, and bordering on absolute dedication to the craft. i'm a master faffer. so when young homie decided to sidle up and moor his sloop to my rigging as it were, i was very clear: "not looking for a relationship," "that includes you," "i'm a mess right now."

it's to my own detriment that i didn't wholly communicate how much of a mess but arguably i doubt anyone would be able to fathom it even if i spoke nonstop to them for an evening just trying to explain. how do you explain? even a speedrun no glitch any% would be verbose at best and spectacularly hollow to boot. and for all the feigned understanding, for all the hours of compliments and pleasantries, i was handed a "i was never really your friend" and left standing there.

never. really. my. friend.

huh.

they usually keep that part to themselves. that's the quiet, no-no ideology that we don't talk about.

i'm a tornado but i'm a realist. i'm not observant but i'm not stupid. i figured that there would be a culmination of feelings. i knew where i stood and apparently was dead on with where he stood. so score 1 - 0. hah. i did it. i predicted this goofy ass "i like you too much to be your friend" bullshit.

thank GOD you "liked" me that much, fella. it:

saved me from continuing to try to be your friend.

showed me we do not align in our understanding of what relationships are.

drew back the curtain on how you viewed me.

absolved me of any guilt i was feeling.

freed me from having to make a different decision in the future.

"i don't regret anything." well good. delightful. and in the best way possible, i do. i regret not being more honest and forthcoming about the icks you gave me. i regret not peacing out after i convinced you that you needed therapy (WHICH IS CRAZY ON IT'S OWN HOLY SHIT). and honestly i regret being vulnerable. cause like, ew. now it's just ew.

but we live and we let live. if he comes crawling back to my DMs in the future then i'll meet him where he's at and share my takeaways (delayed processing is a bitch and i sure wasn't thinking what i'm thinking NOW when we were on a call ending things.). until then, i hope he enjoys flagrantly scuttling a friendship for the sake of his broken fantasy.

"i thought about staying friends but then having to see you date someone else. and that felt cruel." lmao bitch please you haven't known cruelty a day in your LIFE. hand to god this is probably the hardest thing he'll have gone through and we weren't even together. build some character. get a backstory. god.

[itisnotdefended]

if you say the quiet part out loud you just create reality.

[itisnotdefended]

it's crazy how "doing the right thing" can mean so many things to so many different people but

you hit someone with a "do the compassionate thing" and suddenly it's a whole lot simpler.

[ofalltheginjoints]

i love you ciabatta i love you brioche i love you focaccia i love you challah i love you sourdough i love you rye i love you multigrain i love you bagel i love you pita i love you pretzel bun i love you baguette i love you english muffin i love you naan

[bimboe]

i went from my 0 note post era to my 4 note post era if it can happen to me it can happen to you. never give up #grind #girlboss #inspirational

[escuerzoresucitado]

[itisnotdefended]

future me is sick of looking back.

I can't feel her staring at me,

eyes narrowed and brow knitted together

seamlessly, without the rips and frayed edges

she is gazing upon.

is her neck stuck? or is she?

why, if she hates it, does she look back at me?

[itisnotdefended]

groomed horses as therapy today and here were some take-aways:

there is effort in letting someone take care of you; it doesn't Just Happen

you can't scratch every itch; allowing and making space for someone to scratch it is part of life

dirt is dirt; you (higher self, spirit, soul, w/e) are not less than because of your past, good or bad

you're worth being cared for

[itisnotdefended]

Softly. bend now, dear. gently with the wind, let your body bend softly. feel your hair lift from the nape of your neck and rebound across your face, strands like gentle hands around your throat, then back in place. we are all cells and gentle currents, electric and, oh, so Soft.