closeted
I'm gay.
For the longest time, I had the hardest time coming to terms with the fact stated above. It was tough to say those two words together in a single sentence. I would have absolutely no problem saying them separately. "I'm." I would say it all the time. "I'm fat" or "I'm hungry." It was just natural. And so was the word "gay," which I had no problem saying on its own either. "He's gay," I would say. Or "There are a ton of gay people in this place," which sounds like I had the perfect gay-dar.
And not to be modest. My apologies—wrong word choice. Not to be cocky, I kind of did (I still kind of do...but I am not bragging...okay, maybe a little).
Saying "I'm gay" was different, though. It always took me way longer than necessary. Sometimes it was just easier to say things like, "I like boys the way I'm supposed to like girls." Or "I know that God created a man and a woman, but it would have been really helpful if he created a man and a man." You know, just to get people off my back.
When I first opened up about my sexuality, I was seventeen. I was still in my junior year of high school, and as a lot of people might agree: not being openly gay in high school was extremely hard and outrageously displeasing. On the rare occasion, it was kind of entertaining.
I would compare myself to any super hero or even Hannah Montana - I lived a double life. Similarly to Superman, I hid, and although he hid in a phone booth, I hid in a closet. I thought my life would be a life-long game of hide-and-seek. I say 'life-long' because I never thought that I would be comfortable with being open about my sexuality.
I used to think that I had to be straight in order to be happy. And if you look up the word "gay" in a thesaurus, a synonym for the word is "happy." I have always been happy. I have just never acknowledged the fact that I could be being who I am. To be honest, I always knew I was gay. I just never wanted to believe it. For the longest time I had thought that it was a phase that would pass but it hasn’t. It is still here and it scares me. I thought that one morning I would just wake up and all these feelings I had would cease to exist. And as much as I tried, they would still be there. I would always think of vaginas, which I have no idea why an individual would do such a thing, and I knew deep down that it's not what I wanted. Vaginas are just so weird and gross and…slimy.
My mind told me to go for girls as opposed to my heart and my penis, which I thought was crazy for a while. But I am just human, trying to live day by day as I learn new things about myself along this crazy journey one calls "life."