Is this even real

I'm Grey, mentally I'll, mildly physically disabled and trying to understand me.

[itsagreyspace-blog]

New

I got a new planner and I feel way more on track! I have better space to note what I need to do and check it all off. I love being organized! It's the best to feel like I have a real grip on part of my day!

Small moments of life progress. That and fixing my sleep. It's awesome.

[itsagreyspace-blog]

Forgetting

I was telling my therapist about my family and my childhood the other day and she called something one of my parents, probably my father, did gross.

I dont remember. I felt so validated at the time. Like for the first time I wasnt being called crazy and told I was making it up and...

Now it's gone. The memory is just a void other then her saying that.

It happens a lot when it comes to my parents and my ex but mostly around my dad. I'll try to quote him or explain what he did and its just. Gone. A void.

Is my mind defending me from the memories? Am I making it up and then back tracking somehow to deny it? Am I just going crazy? Is it nightmares exaggerating real situations and that's why I cant recall it?

I know it's real. I can feel it if that makes sense.

But I also feel I've deserved what I've dealt with and that I deserve more. Because maybe my mom is right and she knows what I've seen and dealt with better then I do.

I know that can not be true.

But also... what if it is?

I need ways to cope. I need help. But I dont fucking know what kind.

I dont wanna die exactly but. I have no desire to live like this. But not long ago I was driving on a bridge and had to talk myself out of driving into the center divider. I didnt want to die. But my mind wanted to turn off for a bit. Pain and care from a trained staff and something that I could pretend was love even if it was just a nurse doing their job just seemed like a way out of where I mentally was when nothing else was working to drag me out of that hole.

I obviously didnt do it, I dont regret not doing it either but. It was such a strong desire to just feel anything but my life as it has been. I dont think I should have done it either. I just cant shake the what if thoughts. What if I had a break? What if I died? What if nothing bad happened from it? What if it made me feel better? What if it made everything worse?

The hospital doesnt ever exactly feel safe but it also does. My only association is it making physical pain better. Knee problems and frequent kidney stones will do that tho. Not safe and warm and cozy like people say home should be but pain free, listened to and safe from pain.

[itsagreyspace-blog]

Permission

I've gotten so much done! So many things around the apartment are finished and I'm going pretty strong with yoga and I've started body conditioning for blockhead! Er nasal conditioning? Whatever it's still amazing.

My stomach is upset idk why.

And I feel like I need someone to say it's okay go relax you did enough. But the day isnt over. Ugh.

[itsagreyspace-blog]

If you could see

Yoga is paying off! I'm seeing physical results and feeling all sorts of restless when I dont do it. I can bend more. I can deeper into poses now. The movements are more fluid and I have strength I haven't dreamed if having in so many years!

My mystery pains are going away cementing to me that it really was in my mind. Yes I may have had physical pain but my mental state was making it far far worse.

Not that I'm mentally okay exactly. My boyfriends health may be worse but we have to wait in doc appointments to know for sure and make a plan of attack. I dont have therapy this week. I'm covered in bruises I dont want to even considering discussing and I've been having flashbacks of my dad. Idk it's like a... dream? But it's real? And I hear him. Gods I hate him. It doesnt matter.

I also miss weed so bad right now. I've never craved it before but I've also never had flash backs like this before so maybe that's related.

My mind is very difficult to deal with right now. It's all over the place and I feel like I have no control and I'm just trying to make motions that look like life but instead I'm just flopping like a fish out of water.

I dont want so much of what my life is. But I don't want to let go of those things either.

Gods I need to see my therapist. I can hold on. I can. But it wont be a tight grip.

[itsagreyspace-blog]

Another try

Okay so now that my mind is functioning! I'm not checking if I posted this already I'm just gonna go ahead and risk repeating myself into the void.

My therapist says I have PTSD. Which makes sense and kinda explains my reaction to driving past the location where some of my lesser experiences occurred. I have zero reason to even venture into the area where the utter worst occurred but I'm also currently avoiding a friends house because I have to drive down a specific street and the stop light is legit directly at the house the lesser ones happened at.

Last time I went by there i got stuck at the light twice. Once directly facing the house and once with it to my right and. I just didnt want to be there but i couldn't stop focusing on it and remembering the room and the smells and hearing the words. What he said, what his mother said. It's in my head. Not as often as it was before thankfully but man was it there that day.

And I was so not me when I got to my friends and.

Yeah I'm not gonna dive deep into that it's not healthy.

Living in the now is healthy. Hearing my boyfriend watching his silly old movies, feeling the muscles I used in yoga today, the boyfriends blankets on my bed and the smell of the crockpot. That is healthy. This is safe and healthy.

I still cant get past this mental block of doing laundry.

Why the fuck cant I just fold and put away clean clothing? What the fuck is wrong with me! Its quick and easy and mindless and yet I cant fucking do it! I can feed the cat and clean her boxes. I can scrub the rabbit room. I can clean the bathrooms and do the dishes and even run the washer and dryer with zero issue! But folding.... putting it away. I fucking cant do it.

I wanna cry. Over laundry.

I hate this.

[itsagreyspace-blog]

Day of rest

Yesterday was a day off from yoga. I have medical reasons for that it's all good.

Therapy was awesome and useful.

I honestly thought I had stuff to write and share but... now that I'm typing i dont?

Maybe later my mind will reactivate

[itsagreyspace-blog]

Beat

Day 4 of daily yoga and my body is shaking. Today I did a light workout so I dont lock up but holy crap. Its difficult to exist. I'm gonna take a hot hot bath when I get around to it but I think I'm a slug today. I just dont have it in me to function.

It feels so fucking good. It also feels awful feeling this weak. Yoga is one hell of an experience.

[itsagreyspace-blog]

I did 18min of yoga and feel like I got hit with a stick.

But also I feel so mother fucking good!

I have 2 apps and their ideas of beginner yoga are of very different intensity. One makes a good warm up, the other makes a good work out.

Progress, no matter how small, feels so good.

[itsagreyspace-blog]

Yoga

Cant say I dont try.

I did some mild yoga tonight for the first time in ages and I feel good. My body feels like it can move again and my mind feels lighter. Just breathing and focusing on poses and nothing else was so good.

I'm starting light, it's been so long, I'm getting older and with my body how it is this will need to be a slow process but taking back anything in my life feels like a step forward.

Maybe it wont always feel this good or help me but its mine. I have control over it. No one can take that away.

Also the boyfriend did a few poses with me and that was nice too.

[itsagreyspace-blog]

Too damned much

That's all that's been going on. Too much. Boyfriend had a fucked up hospital visit. Life is a mess. I wanna run away from... everything

[itsagreyspace-blog]

Inability to burp

So this is an actual thing. I never really tell anyone that I physically can not burp because I always thought I was just fucking crazy.

Nope!

I mean yeah, I am. But also there is like a sphincter that can actually tighten so much you can not fucking burp. You just have these like slow, stupidly long lasting not burps that take forever to release the gas!

Know what else? It causes physical pain, obviously, anxiety! And other general discomfort and feeling like shit symptoms and that like "I feel sick" head rolling as you try to do anything to release the gas.

That's why I feel like shit it is real and I'm not making this bitch up! I mean it's not a full this is why I'm me. But it explains some things when it occurs, which is every single fucking day.

There is also no actual treatment and most doctors think it's all in your head and can be unlearned. I mean research says they're right, it's usually caused by a phobia or some general anxiety around burping or vomiting making one force themselves not to eventually making the body unable. Learning to burp without vomiting seems nearly impossible. Also explains why I always burp when I puke. Sorry for tmi but hey I feel emotionally better even if not at all physically!

[itsagreyspace-blog]

Wtf body

I was feeling okay. Not good. Just okay.

My boyfriend said he was gonna give the bunnies fresh towels because they like to play with them and he asked if I wanted to do it. So I made it down the hallway and felt sick and dizzy again. I got over the baby gate and gave the buns their towels and then back into the hall. I wanted to wait and watch my shy baby come out of his hiding spot to play with his towel but as I hugged the door frame and slowly realized I just fucking could not stand and wait any longer, despite that cute pink nose and chubby furry cheeks starting to creep out of hiding the boy came up and told me to go to bed.

Hes amazing. His ability to understand and care for me is beyond words. He made sure I got to bed okay and is just amazing. He even came back in to give me hugs and tell me our shy bun emerged to lay on his towel with our brave boy.

[itsagreyspace-blog]

Time is hard

I honestly dont know if it's been a day or days since I last wrote.

I'm not okay. I was. I had good productive days that were fun.

Now I'm not. I feel sick, I think it's my anxiety. I'm having tea and trying to relax. The boyfriend rubbed my back, hugged me and told me to rest. The chores for the pets are done and I dont need to do anything.

The boy is watching the sag awards I think. I'm watching x files and trying to breathe and destress. It's hard. And auto correct is making it worse because I cant put down what I want to but I cant hand write because my mind is lines ahead of my hands.

I want this to stop. I want to cry and scream and hide in silence all at once.

Tuesday I start therapy. I hate first visits and yet it cant come fast enough.

I need help.

[itsagreyspace-blog]

Friends help

I saw a friend yesterday. We just talked and hung out but it was good for both of us. Much needed honestly.

Today I've been in a better mental state because of it.

[itsagreyspace-blog]

Hmm

I scrubbed the bun room and took care of the boyfriend and now I feel better...

Why does that help? What even is my mind/body?!

[itsagreyspace-blog]

Too much?

Its 8 50 and I'm exhausted. I had a hard time at work today not because of my mind or body but because the training computer was not having the internet apparently.

Now I'm beyond tired, in pain and... idk my mind is foggy.

I gotta clean the crockpot.

I gotta get the heating pad on the boyfriend because his back is in actual pain.

I still think my pain is all in my mind.

One of the rabbits is out being free roam and having a blast. I wanna mop their bedroom but. Energy doesnt exist.

I need something. Help? A swift kick in the ass? Sleep? Ugh I dont even fucking know

[itsagreyspace-blog]

Better?

I do think I'm doing better today? I have food in the crock pot and I did the dishes from food prep which I usually struggle with! I swept the bunny room and scooped the cat boxes as well! It all took ten minutes!

I'm trying so hard. Idk if it's getting easier exactly but I'm proving to myself not only can I do it but that it all takes less time to do then I think it will.

I'm not sure if blogging is exactly helping but it's a look inside myself.

My biggest problem right now is I've been having pain that I cant explain and I honestly think my brain is making it up instead of it being a real, physical pain with a real physical cause. It seems to crop up more when I'm stressed or depressed hence why I think it's in my head.

Hopefully I can get out to see a friend tonight and that will help right me a bit. I probably haven't left the house for fun in a week which can not be helping me in anyway at all.

Here's hoping this is really me managing myself better and not just a slow crawl to a manic episode.