These are my stories...

[a-pen-and-some-words]

“when i write of you it is not because i miss you it is merely practice for the day i accept the apology you will never give me and when i write of you it is not ink but poison that spills into the shape of letters on the page”

— d.c.

[mywayofhealing]

“I no longer have the energy for meaningless relationships. Not everyone is meant to stay.”

— limit [seran.b]

[yournewapartment]

Toxic Friendships

A friendly reminder that a real friend will not:

Lie about you/to you for their own amusement

Spread false information about you to anyone

Share your secrets/personal information with other people

Make hurtful comments about your life/work/relationships

Try to manipulate you in any way, shape or form

Demand that you put in extra effort in the relationship while not holding up their end of the bargain

Use you as their personal therapist

Make you feel like it’s your responsibility to “fix” them

[everythingisanillusionn]

If the shoe fits, might as well wear it.

[itsallenergy]

I think one of the hardest parts about releasing a friendship that no longer serves you is when they perceive themselves as the good one.

This isn't high school anymore. There isn't a good guy or a bad guy. There aren't sides. Mutual friends shouldn't have to pick. Just because you were a shit friend to me doesn't mean you're a shit friend to everyone. It's hard for me to imagine you being a good friend to anyone, but that's not up for me to decide.

And that's the toughest part for me. Because I grew up. I know all of this. And none of my released friends have. They think they have. They have this bizarre perception of the person that I am. And I've tried to find the signs. I've tried to prove them right simply because I thought maybe they know me better than I know myself.

And then it hit me. It's not that I'm the problem. It's not that I am the horrible person that they made me out to be. It's that I befriended them in a period of my life when I was desperate for friends. They recycle friends constantly. They find a problem and they blow it up.

The biggest realization for me was that they can think whatever they want. I know the truth and I have some amazing friends. They were just life suckers and I'm better without that energy.

[itsallenergy]

Outgrowing a friend...

One of the toughest things in life is when you realize you’ve outgrown a friend you thought would be in your life forever. It’s even harder when you realize the friendship was toxic all along and was way overdue on its expiration.

As I’m writing this, I have no idea what I’m going to do with it. Writing is how I work through my feelings. And quite frankly, my writing never feels complete until it’s out into the world for others to see. Not because of attention or lighting a match or anything like that. But because I believe that writing became my way of expressing myself for a reason. I believe that what I have to say can serve someone else. Let someone know what they’re going through is relatable and they’re not alone.

When I realized that I spent more time arguing with and being made to feel like shit by my best friend, I knew something needed to change. I tried so hard for so long to make our friendship work. She’d probably tell you a different story. She’d probably tell you I made her feel like shit and didn’t prioritize her. The funny thing is, in my eyes, she was my priority. That’s how life works though, right? You think you’re doing one thing and the other person can perceive it in a totally different way. In this story I don’t think there is a good or bad guy. I think we were both bad in our own ways.

I thought I was doing my best as a best friend and I think she thought the same.

But the reality is, I felt that she was constantly starting fights with me.

You know the saying “pick and choose your battles?” Well, I felt like she did a whole lot of picking and not a lot of choosing to pass on an argument.

It stung. It was exhausting. I felt manipulated and made to feel less than.

She never took the time to listen to me. Whenever I shared something that was going on in my life, she always had to make it about her. It didn’t feel so good. I started to feel like shit whenever I was around her and pretty quickly I realized I always kind of felt that way.

I should’ve known better when she looked at me in her car our junior year of college and said “well, I love you and I hate to say it, but you’re Jewish, so I do believe you’re going to hell when you die.”

Cool cool. Jokes on her, Jewish people don’t believe in hell. Hehe.

All jokes aside, realizing that someone you considered your best friend wasn’t meant to continue being part of your life is a tough pill to swallow. I spent weeks crafting the perfect text to let her know I just couldn’t do it anymore. To let her know I hoped in the future we could find it in our hearts to try again, but for now I just couldn’t have her in my life.

She blew up on me. Said some of the most fucked up things I could’ve ever imagined. A lot of bullshit statements too. But here’s the kicker, it didn’t even hurt. It just stung. But it didn’t hurt. Because it confirmed to me that over our 7ish years of friendship, she never really took the time to get to know me. There were so many pieces to my story that she just totally missed or got wrong. So much she never took the time to learn or understand. I realized that all along our friendship was as surface level as they come. And quite frankly, I felt at peace.

A little sad for the loss of the friend I thought was my best. But at peace with the realization that she was never the best friend I wanted and she would never be able to be that for me.

And here’s where I circle everything back to you. This stung for me. It really fucking hurt. Not what she said to me, but the process of losing a friend. It hurt. And I want you to know if you’re going through anything similar to what I went through, you’re not alone. I see you. It might sting right now, but I promise, it’s going to be ok.

[itsallenergy]

Hello Tumblr

Hey Tumblr!

This makes me giggle. I had a Tumblr as a teenager. I thought I was so cool and moody and emo.

Now I'm in my mid-20s and have my own business. 15 year old me probably never saw this coming.

I decided to create a fresh slate here on Tumblr. I need a semi-anonymous space to share my thoughts with a little piece of the internet. I was given the gift of being a good writer in my life and part of that includes writing to move through my feelings.

I feel strongly that my writing can maybe help someone else. Like seeing something that you're going through and knowing you aren't alone.

I've been avoiding writing lately and moving through my feelings and then I started to do it and realized how good it felt. And then I knew, it was time to make this my little safe space to share my words. Let's go.