That's Wrong

[itsashield]

09.29.23

A one month later entry seems appropriate.

Things are still nice, I’m still with this person and still living with them as well. Now we have two cats together. He is kind and I wonder sometimes if his love is real.

I won’t lie, it’s not all perfection. Sometimes the insecurities creep up. He asks a lot of questions. He once asked me why I don’t wear makeup. I told him there’s a reason he asked that question and he insists there isn’t. Just said that I was super feminine and that he just was curious why a super feminine woman doesn’t wear makeup. So in my toxic mind, I’m thinking he’s low key asking me to put on make up.

And sometimes based on things that have happened, I wonder if he was okay with me moving in with him so fast so he wouldn’t be lonely and have someone else to help him pay something.

I’m an over thinker and let those things win over my thoughts sometimes.

On the other side, he is kind and this kind of relationship is something I’ve never experienced before. It almost doesn’t feel real sometimes.

He prioritizes my orgasm over his for one example. He’s always interested in my opinion and goes accordingly to what I say or do which sometimes frustrates me. Makes me feel like he’s not truly choosing as he wishes.

It’s different. He’s different. And sometimes I feel like I’ve known him in another life. He has not raised his voice at me once and we have not argued a single time.

I hope we last a long time. I have to remind myself that love isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes we will disagree and he will have his opinions and I will have mine.

[enii]

Thanks💕

[itsashield]

08.29.23

Things are nice.

I haven’t been home since August 4th. I have meshed well with this new person and still can’t believe that things are so nice. No fights, we talk fine about every topic, our personalities also seem to be very similar. He does not raise his voice either.

I’ve fallen in love and maybe it happened too quickly but it’s like he’s my missing piece and now it makes sense why nothing worked with anyone else in the past. So much wasted time and tears.

And…the saddest thing to me is that no matter how much time we spend together…it will never be enough time.

[itsashield]

06.24.23

So…someone kind of unexpectedly dropped into my lap. So to speak. It’s been three weeks.

He’s very nice.

Is it foolish of me that I feel like…I’ve met my future husband? The way I’ve clicked with him is so different. Different then all these dusty sons I’ve dealt with. He reads me like only my grandmother and good friend Cleo could/does. And when he speaks to me, it’s like he’s talking to my soul. It’s so strange!

He asked me to be his girl with Oreos.

And I accepted. Even though we met officially such a short time ago.

Let’s see what happens.

[itsashield]

I feel lonely sometimes.

[itsashield]

05.01.23

Hah, my last post is so funny and embarrassing. That man has become a very good friend of mine. He continues with the flirtatious behavior and the invading of personal space but there’s still no date. I’m convinced he’s gay and I’ve already learned that he’s not into me. Body language is green flags but actions are red flags. Someone who is really into someone wouldn’t squander away the chance to be with them. Part of me thinks he’s so severely in the closet, that he does what he does so that others think he’s into women. Also, I feel incredibly stupid having fallen for someone who is so obviously not straight. Can I go back in time and slap myself? Lol.

I do know he and I will be friends for the rest of our lives and that’s good enough for me. It’s almost like we were best friends in another life or maybe even a couple (different genders, time, who knows) Good friends like him are so hard to find.

Everything is OK in my life but things could be better.

Need to find a new place to live

Could be working a better paying job but afraid to jump jobs

New crush… Sapling stage, not even worth typing too much about it. We work together in the same office. We text each other sometimes. He’s extremely intelligent and likes some of the same things I like. And he puts a lot of thought into his text messages when he replies. But I don’t think he likes me back?

Need to get into shape…ever since my 2021 short fling, I never recovered from that and let all my progress go to poop. If I put more efforts into loving myself, I wouldn’t be having Pickmeisha problems I think. I still think it’s so wild how she messed with my mind and I’m angry that I let it happen. I was doing so good before she came into my life.

Anxiety going wild but I’m still fighting; depression fluctuates frequently. I feel lonely a lot.

My cats are old. They’ve been old for awhile but they all look so skinny and delicate now. Breaks my heart.

34th birthday is coming up. Time flies and I’m wasting it going to an OK job and worrying about dusty men who will never love me.

Parents getting older too. The roles are slowly swapping over and it’s scary to see too. I know we all have to go through it, but heart breaking nonetheless.

What else…

Can’t think of anything else right now. 🤷‍♀️

[itsashield]

09.03.22

I have the gayest man giving me all this attention but I cannot ignore the fact that it’s been about a month and he does not ask me out. People assure me he’s into men (can’t you tell? They say 😕😒) but the man has my mind full of jelly. He asks really intimate questions…examples:

Do you talk to anyone else like we talk?

Would it bother you if a boyfriend asked you where you were?

Would you give your phone password to a boyfriend?

Are you the jealous type?

Is there anyone you like at the moment? (This question was interrupted by someone and he never asked again)

Do you believe in marriage?

And other questions about myself, my likes, and intimate things like those examples that I might not be able to remember right now.

I lay these out because I need to know I’m not crazy and imagining things.

He invades my personal space (my lower back will start hurting and it’s literally because I’m leaning away from him) and says and does things…calls me often to talk for a bit…conversation never really leaves work though..he might be terribly shy or he is *really* putting me under some absurd personal test of his. Touch barrier has been broken many times and he puts his hands on me often.

The only other explanation I have is that although he has been working with the company we work for, for ten years he is technically “under” me and reports to me. I’ve only been there all of one year. And only just met him three months ago. So I can see how someone wouldn’t want to risk something like that.

He is feminine and gives me major bottom vibes…but as a bisexual myself I know more than most that sexuality is so fluid. People can present one way and be something else. Last February I slept with a MtF…he might be a fellow bisexual.

Let’s see how this goes. I can only ask God for guidance on not letting my mind get ahead of itself like it always does. I always break my own heart falling for people who don’t like me back, or are emotionally available or not into the opposite sex. It’s a reoccurring issue and I feel frustrated that I keep falling for anyone who gives me any kind of lovely touches, looks or attention. And I’m afraid that this is yet another one of those situations. 😞

So afraid.

[silent-insanities]

I fear that I love too deeply for those who don’t love at all.

[boethiah]

no such thing as wasting your 20s your 20s are for recovering from whatever the fuck happened to you as a kid so that youre ready to get weird with it in your 30s

[wolfstrela]

My bisexual-ass: I go both ways

Narrator: she in fact went nowhere. She didn't like to leave the house

[eminusdoleo]

“Love rejection may be the hardest form of pain to exist. You care too much, you wish too much, you love too much for someone who doesn’t share the same feelings as you. But maybe you should stop expect too much. Just because you like someone doesn’t mean they have to like you back.”

— Be strong, me.

[theothersideofpat]

Unrequited love may be the hardest form of love to exist. You care too much, you wish too much, you love too much for someone who doesn’t share the same feelings as you… and it hurts. You want them to know how you feel, but you’re scared to tell them because you’re almost certain that you’ll get torn apart by the sharp rejection coming from their lips or from text/chat that you will re-read over and over until it sinks in.

It hurts because you want them to care for you as much as you do. It hurts because little things that happen between you two are so important to you, but these things are so trivial to them. And the worst part of it all is that they don’t even know how much they’re hurting you every single day.

[dark-romantics]

I choose to love you in silence, because in silence I feel no rejection.

~ Rumi

[itsashield]

I spoke too soon on the job thing.

My new job has me incredibly stressed. More than my previous law firm job. And I’m doing all these things and working like a piece of gum you stretch everywhere…and I’m wondering if I’m the issue. Could it be that I’m too slow? Too focused on doing a good job? I’m not sure if I’m gaslighting myself or if I have to really realize I’m the issue.

I took a promotion and things got worse. People call me for every issue and even when I’m eating, I have things to look at and solve. I haven’t had a real 30 minute break since I took the promotion. I’m either eating and replying emails or eating and doing something. Or eating and interrupted that a real angry customer has an issue and I have to stop eating to go see what is up. And why do I feel bad about complaining about this? I’m not the only one that gives up that 30 minutes. The corporate propaganda really has a lot of us drinking whatever koolaid flavor this is.

I feel like I’m being taken advantage of here and I feel like management thinks I’m overreacting with the stress I’m having. I ask myself: Have they ever had to do five jobs at once? And if they have, then is it simply me?

I don’t want this to turn out like every job I’ve ever held. Things boil to a point where I cannot anymore and I end up quitting without a job lined up…or fired…I really am lost here on what to do. It’s not like jobs are hanging off a tree in the backyard. I’ve been here nine months and I’ve had about four-five interviews during this time and none chose to hire me.

Feels like I’m losing my sanity here. Stress is the biggest factor on why I left my job with the lawyers. So I left that stress for more stress? I will admit. Some days are nice but those are so few and far between. But when it does stress me out, it really does fuck me up real good.

[itsashield]

So, it’s been a while but I’m in a place in life where I’m mostly happy.

I’ve lost 50 pounds since Feb 2020 —- I’ve got to lose at least 80 more pounds but I’m feeling so much better and happier these days. I’m super glad I started this journey but mad at myself that it took some scary blood work and medical results to get it going. 😒 Blood work has improved greatly last we checked. 😄 🙏

Joined a Barre class. I’m 50 something classes in and although some moves are hard, I’m loving leaving my home three times a week with something to look forward to. This was a gift to myself after seeing I lost so much weight and actually sticking to something for once.

Met a woman on Tinder and came out of the closet as a bisexual. (Thank God it went well for me) But honestly, after spending time with her and seeing how things are going, I don’t think I ever want to date another man. I hope things work out with her but if they don’t, I just can’t see myself looking for men again. I might be actually be a lesbian but we will see…life is so uncertain and beautiful these days.

Left my job for a new job. It isn’t the best job or fulfilling me but it’s definitely paying me more money than I’ve ever made in my life. I can still do better but this job is mostly peaceful compared to what I have suffered before for less pay. I like my coworkers mostly as well and they’re super funny.

Met a new friend (when I was using the dating apps) and turns out she is into roller skating. I’ve already gone skating twice and although I’ve busted my tailbone and can barely sit, I’m looking forward to skating some more and getting good at this new hobby. I’m really excited about this.

About to finish paying off my car. Thank the Lord honestly.

And not a biggie but just got my nails done in a Christmas theme. Never had themed nails before and I’m here for it 😍 they’re super nice.

Things aren’t perfect but I’m doing better than I have ever been mentally now that I think about it. I am grateful.

[beccap]

“But the 8-hour workday is too profitable for big business, not because of the amount of work people get done in eight hours (the average office worker gets less than three hours of actual work done in 8 hours) but because it makes for such a purchase-happy public. Keeping free time scarce means people pay a lot more for convenience, gratification, and any other relief they can buy. It keeps them watching television, and its commercials. It keeps them unambitious outside of work. We’ve been led into a culture that has been engineered to leave us tired, hungry for indulgence, willing to pay a lot for convenience and entertainment, and most importantly, vaguely dissatisfied with our lives so that we continue wanting things we don’t have. We buy so much because it always seems like something is still missing.”

— Your Lifestyle Has Already Been Designed

[cozypoems]

“I want to know everything about him. The little things, like his favourite food and colour, but I want to know the things no one else knows. I want to know what song makes him feel more than he’s ever felt. I want to know how he got every scar on his perfect body. Why he doesn’t talk to his dad anymore, his goals, his insecurities. I want to memorize all the freckles on his face and every muscle in his back. I want to understand every imperfection and tell him how truly perfect they are. I just want him.”

— i want you so bad (for bt, 08/08/21)