Belvina

Welcome to my digital diary, where I share my thoughts, feelings, and everything in between.

[itsbelvina]

When things hurt me, I start blaming myself. I think, maybe it's my fault, or maybe I'm just not good enough. Sometimes, I feel like there's something wrong with me. But then, I realize that I have to give myself more credit. I have to respect myself, even when others might not.

I know I'm trying my best to be a good person, to care for others, and to show respect. So why do I need to keep blaming myself when I'm doing good things? I need to change my mindset. I deserve respect and love just like everyone else.

If someone can't see how much I care or how I feel, maybe it's time for me to stop loving them. Maybe they just don't need me in their life. And that's okay. I need to focus on loving myself and surrounding myself with people who appreciate me for who I am. It's not selfish to prioritize my own well-being.

I've learned that I can't control how others feel or how they treat me. But I can control how I react and how I choose to see myself. I am worthy of love and respect, and I won't settle for anything less.

It's important to set boundaries and to stand up for myself when necessary. If someone is causing me more pain than joy, it's okay to let them go. I deserve to be surrounded by positivity and support.

I'm learning to be kinder to myself and to give myself the love and respect I deserve. It's a journey, and I'm still figuring it out. But I know that I'm worth it, and I won't let anyone make me feel otherwise.

So from now on, I'll focus on loving myself more and not letting anyone else's opinions or actions bring me down. I deserve happiness, and I won't let anyone take that away from me.

[itsbelvina]

this year has taught me so much. like every other year, i’ve realized some people just aren’t meant to stay in my life. i’ve chosen to surround myself with those who support and love me, no matter what and i’ve had to cut out people who brought too much negativity and toxicity into my life. it wasn’t easy, but it was necessary.

i’ve learned that staying silent about my pain, thinking i can handle it alone and eventually forget, doesn’t work. i was wrong. i still need people to remind me what love feels like, to show me how to see my true self. i’ve come to accept that i’m just a person trying to heal from my past traumas. the pain doesn’t magically disappear, but acknowledging it is part of the process.

one of the biggest lessons this year was learning to love myself more. i’ve realized i’ve always put others first, giving them so much credit while neglecting my own needs. but i’ve started to change that. i’ve started showing myself the same kindness and care i give to others. it’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

i’ve also learned the importance of letting go. holding onto things that don’t serve me only holds me back. life is too short to waste time on things or people that don’t align with my growth. time really does fly, and as i look back, i see how far i’ve come.

this year wasn’t perfect it was full of ups and downs. but i’m proud of how i’ve handled everything. i’m stronger, more self aware, and slowly learning how to heal. i know i’m still growing, but for now, i’m proud of myself for choosing me.

[itsbelvina]

I’m taking things slowly now. Like when my friend doesn’t text me back because they forget, I just try not to make it a big deal. I used to get sad or mad at them, but now, I’m learning to let it go. When someone from my past comes back and asks for us to start over, I might give it another chance, but even if it doesn’t work out, I’m no longer crying for hours or blaming myself. I’ve learned to let things happen and not waste my energy on people who aren’t willing to truly try.

When I have a bad day after work and feel super tired, I used to get overwhelmed and sad. But now, I take a deep breath and remind myself that I did great. If I can get through today, then I can get through tomorrow, too. I’m learning to be kinder to myself, not putting so much pressure on everything.

I’m just trying to understand myself more now. I no longer let people or small things ruin my mood. If things happen, they happen. It’s no longer a reflection of me or my worth. I’m proud of myself for the changes I’ve made. I don’t see myself as weak anymore. I’m stronger, more in control, and finally at peace with not having to hold onto things that aren’t worth my time. It’s taken time, but I’ve grown into someone who knows her worth and won’t settle for less. <3

[itsbelvina]

Life is good lately. Been busy with work and only talking to people who are worth my time and always there when I need them most. Even though sometimes I can't control my thoughts, I’m doing fine now. Don’t really have any bad thoughts, everything's just fine. I’m so proud of myself that I finally feel like myself again. But, when I’m at this point, I always remember my hard times, like how many times I tried to pick myself up, and how many times I blamed myself. I’m so happy I made it through.

My mom is the best teacher for me. She says as humans, we can’t expect everything to go the way we want because if it did, we’d never learn, we’d never cry, and we’d never know that trying is the best thing in the world. She always says that no matter how bad life gets, never blame the creator. We’re here, at this point, because we’ve succeeded in every challenge in life, and of course, there will always be more challenges to face in the future.

So, to my mom, thank you for always telling me that and for always being there <3 I love you as always!

[itsbelvina]

There’s always going to be people who are curious about your life, trying to figure out what your life looks like, and searching for something to talk about with others. I don’t get it, like, can’t you just let people mind their own business? If someone wants to be private, then let them be. Don’t go out of your way to dig up stuff just so you have something to talk about behind their back.

I prefer to keep my life private and don’t share much on social media. But there are always people asking me why I don’t post anymore, why I don’t share stuff on insta, or why I don’t hang out with them. I’m at a point in my life where I really don’t care about what people think of me, especially on social media. I enjoy my life being private. It’s not because I want to be this mysterious person or anything like that, but because I enjoy being myself. I share things only with people I fully trust. I’ve decided to limit myself when it comes to using social media because it can be toxic.

There were times when I became toxic myself, comparing my life to others’. I don’t want that to happen anymore. So, I’ve chosen to step back, be more private, and focus on what makes me happy. Social media isn’t everything, and just because I’m not sharing every detail of my life doesn’t mean there’s something wrong. It just means I’m taking care of myself and doing what’s best for me.

If someone wants to be private, just respect that. There’s no need to dig for gossip or try to figure out every detail of their life. Let people live how they want to live, without feeling like they have to explain themselves to others.

[itsbelvina]

Things can happen in this life that don’t make any sense. Like seriously, this happened to me. For example, I don’t want to have another trauma by committing to a romantic relationship with someone, because I still have some doubts that the trauma can happen again or it can cause another trauma, another pain. But I forgot that I also caused someone’s trauma that caused their trust issues. It’s crazy when I think about it again.

Well, that’s life, you can see others' mistakes but you cannot see yours. You want people to apologize because they hurt you but you never apologize for what you did to them. Like me, I have been selfish several times just because I don’t want to get hurt and that’s how I protect myself from falling into the same thing, but I forgot that what I did can cause problems and hurt the people that love me.

So how can I limit myself from not falling easily for someone but still respect their feelings and make them understand my perspective and try to understand their perspective? That’s hard, right?

It doesn’t really make any sense when you fall in love. You get caught up in emotions and often don't see the bigger picture. You think you're protecting yourself by building walls and not letting anyone in, but in reality, you might be causing more harm than good. It's a defense mechanism, but it can end up hurting the people who care about you.

I've been through this cycle. I kept my guard up, not wanting to get hurt again. I thought if I kept people at a distance, I would be safe. But in doing so, I hurt those who tried to get close to me. They didn't understand why I was pushing them away, and I didn't see how my actions affected them. It was a way to avoid my own pain, but I ended up causing pain to others.

[itsbelvina]

There’s a song by Billie Eilish that I always listen to. It’s called “What Was I Made For.” there’s a line that says, “think I forgot how to be happy.” this really hits me. Sometimes, I forget about how I feel and how I’m supposed to feel. I should be happy because I have good people, good friends, and a good family around me, but there’s still this empty feeling. The happiness is just temporary.

Being open with someone is the key, but sometimes they don’t understand and say I’m too much or being dramatic. That’s not what I want to hear. That’s why, every time I try to say something, I end up keeping it to myself. I’m afraid they wouldn’t understand or that I’d make things hard for them.

Life really has its unexpected ways of teaching you things. Maybe in my story, I have to learn how to accept everything and just try. I shouldn’t care how it’s going to end, but at least I try. I should do that.

[itsbelvina]

I think life would be easier if we could just say what's on our mind without worrying if the other person wants to listen, if it's a boring story, if it's not important, or if we're wasting their time. I wish we could just speak up about what's going on. Instead of saying "I’m okay," we could be honest when we're not okay.

The hardest part of being an adult is having to look fine and happy when we're not. Even when we're stressed and struggling, we need to seem fine. It’s not because we don't have someone to talk to, but because we care about the people around us more than ourselves. We don't want them to worry or see us as weak.

But I'm so glad and grateful that I’ve become stronger. Now, I'm focusing on myself and trying to say what I want without feeling guilty. I shouldn’t feel guilty for expressing my feelings.

[itsbelvina]

Can't we just be nice to each other? We don't know what's going on inside someone's head. Some people are mean because they think they have everything, so they forget how to respect and treat people well. Maybe you have a better life, good skills, a good family, but that doesn’t mean you should be careless to others.

We are lucky to have what we have now. Some people are not as lucky. Some don't have a place to call "home". It brings tears to my eyes when I think about how hard their lives must be. Imagine not knowing where you will sleep tonight, or if you will eat.

Being kind is free. It doesn't cost anything to be nice. A smile, a kind word, a small gesture these can make a big difference in someone's day. You never know, a simple act of kindness might be the best thing that happens to them all day.

People face different battles every day. Some might seem okay on the outside, but inside they could be struggling. Stress, sadness, fear these can be hidden behind a smile. We shouldn't add to their pain by being rude or mean.

Listen more, judge less. Everyone deserves respect and kindness, no matter their situation. If we all tried to be a little kinder, the world would be a better place.

[itsbelvina]

Things are easier now. I am focusing on fixing myself, learning new things, and accepting what I couldn't accept before. The most important thing is to love myself more and more. I used to be so mean to myself. I always thought I didn't deserve love or happiness, but now I believe I deserve to be loved by the right person.

I want someone who sees things from my eyes, someone who doesn't judge me when I talk about what's going on in my mind. I want a person who wants to help me become a better person every day. I used to think my experiences with love were dark and blind, nothing good ever came from them. When I try to start again, the old feelings come back. The pain and trauma are still there, and I can't control them. I push people away and let myself be alone for so long. I realize now that I was so toxic to myself.

But here I am, trying to be better and see things differently than before. I'm working on accepting my past and moving forward. I'm learning to appreciate who I am and what I have to offer. I know it's a slow process, but every small step counts. I'm not perfect, and I don't have to be. I just want to be the best version of myself.

I understand that healing takes time, and I'm willing to put in the effort. I'm not rushing into anything. I'm taking it one day at a time, focusing on my growth and self-love. I'm learning to forgive myself for my mistakes and let go of the guilt and shame. I want to build a future where I am happy and at peace with myself.

I deserve happiness and love. I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. I'm learning to believe in myself and my worth. It's not easy, but it's worth it. I'm proud of the progress I've made.

[itsbelvina]

Yesterday, I spent most of my time outside with family and friends. We had so much fun, laughing and enjoying each other's company. It felt like everything was going to be okay as long as I had them around. But when I came back home, back to my room, I felt empty again. It's like the laughter and joy with them were fake. I started questioning myself, was I really happy with them, or was I just trying to look happy and convince myself that I was happy?

I hate having these thoughts. I can't stop overthinking things that I shouldn't even worry about. I mean, I was enjoying my time with them, and that should be enough, right? So why do I keep thinking about it and doubting my feelings? It doesn't make sense to me.

When I'm with them, everything seems perfect. We joke around, share stories, and for those moments, I feel like nothing can go wrong. But as soon as I'm alone, my mind starts racing, and all the doubts and insecurities come rushing back. I wonder if I'm truly happy or if I'm just putting on a mask to fit in and make everyone else believe that I'm happy.

It's frustrating because I want to enjoy those moments without overthinking them later. I want to believe that the happiness I feel with my family and friends is real. But my mind keeps playing tricks on me, making me question everything. It's like I can't fully trust my own feelings.

Maybe it's just a phase, or maybe I need to find a way to deal with these thoughts better. I don't know. I wish I could just accept the good times for what they are and not let these doubts ruin them. I want to feel content and not have to second-guess every emotion.

[itsbelvina]

I often lower my standards just because I want to be loved and to love someone. But then I realize that I can get more. Before, I didn't think about having an equal partner. I didn't think about not having to beg to be treated well. I thought that loving was enough. The issue of lowering standards, like having a different lifestyle, was not a problem for me. But now, I think about it more.

Why should I lower my standards when I know I can get more? People say that relationships are not about material things or money. They say you can be loved well if your partner makes time for you. But I think that having a partner who is financially well off or equal helps a lot. It makes you feel more secure and worthy. There’s no need to try and convince the other person that you’re good enough.

When you have a partner who is equal to you, it feels better. You don't have to worry about money problems or feel like you're not good enough. You can focus on loving each other and enjoying your time together. You don’t have to beg for attention or proper treatment. It all comes naturally because you both respect each other and your lifestyles match.

I used to think that loving someone was enough. But now, I see that it’s also important to have a partner who matches you in other ways. It’s not just about money, but also about respect, values, and how you live your life. When these things match, the relationship is stronger and more stable.

Lowering your standards just for love can lead to problems. You might end up feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. You deserve to be with someone who meets your standards and makes you feel good about yourself. Love should not come at the cost of your self-worth.

[itsbelvina]

Been super busy with life lately and didn’t have much time to write here. But now, I’m back and focusing on doing things I enjoy. I've realized how important it is to be surrounded by people who love and support me. So, I’m spending a lot of time with friends and family. They make everything better and remind me of what's really important. My job is also a big part of my life now, and I’m trying to do my best at work.

Over the past few months, I've come to a crucial realization: sometimes, you just need to try and stop overthinking. It’s easy to get caught up in our thoughts and doubts, but believing in yourself is key. I’ve learned that I deserve to be happy and to enjoy my life. Overthinking was holding me back. I spent so much time worrying about the future and what could go wrong that I forgot I have the power to make choices that lead to happiness and a better life.

I’m making a conscious effort to change this. Instead of dwelling on the “what-ifs” and uncertainties, I’m focusing on the present and the things that bring me joy. I’m taking steps to improve my life and make it more fulfilling. It’s not always easy, but I can already see the difference it’s making. I’m more at peace and more content with where I am and where I’m heading.

One big change I’m making is shifting my focus away from love stories. I used to spend a lot of time thinking about finding the right person and building a relationship. But now, I want to put that energy into my career. I believe that if I focus on myself and my goals, everything else will fall into place when the time is right. Love will come when it’s meant to, and I’ll be ready for it. For now, I’m dedicated to my career and personal growth.

I’m not closing the door on love completely, but I’m not letting it be my main focus either. If and when the right time comes, I’ll find someone who truly loves and values me. Until then, I’m working on being the best version of myself and enjoying the journey. It’s a new chapter, and I’m excited about what the future holds. I’m ready to embrace life, with all its ups and downs, and make the most of it.

[itsbelvina]

I've started playing this game called *Life is Strange*, and I'm now on episode 4. I love this game and the story. Believe it or not, this game is teaching us something important. From the first episode, I thought that Max's superpower to rewind time was so cool. She could be a superhero, helping people, especially the ones she loves. With that power, she could stop bad things from happening.

But now, here I am, on episode 4, and everything has changed. Max tried to change Chloe's life story. She tried to help Chloe have a better life and be a better person. Max tried to stop Chloe's dad from dying because she knew that would make Chloe's life totally different. But then, things got worse. Max did change Chloe's story, but now Chloe is dying. She is sick and wants to give up because she doesn't want to see her parents stressed about her and the medical bills. Max did stop her father from getting into an accident, but that accident happened to Chloe instead. This taught me that we can't change the past. Even if we could, something bad will still happen no matter what.

I love the storyline. I love how Max cares so much about her best friend and tries to find the missing person. This game makes me think that maybe bad things happen for a reason. Even if it feels bad now, it might get better later.

This game really makes me think about how we deal with things in life. We might want to change the past, but we can't always control what happens. Sometimes, things happen that we don't like, but maybe they happen for a reason. Maybe there’s a chance for things to feel better again.

I love how Max is always there for Chloe, showing that true friends stick together no matter what. The game’s story is so deep and touching. It's not just a game, it feels like a lesson about life.

This game is more than just playing. It’s about understanding that even if we have the power to change things, some things are meant to be. Maybe bad things happen to make us stronger or to teach us something. And there’s always a chance for things to get better.

[itsbelvina]

I don’t think people can truly understand you, even your closest ones. I always expect people to understand me more, but in the end, what I expect always turns out wrong. People cannot stay just because you want them to stay, to understand you, to make you understand, to fight for you and with you. No, they cannot do that.

Most of the time, people just want me to do things, but they never ask me if I feel comfortable with that. They don’t ask what my mind is about that, or if I feel good about it or not. They only see their side of things and forget that I have my own feelings and thoughts too.

If you see things like I see things, you will understand how hard it is to be open with someone new, how hard it is to ask them for understanding. It's hard to make them not rush things because my heart needs time to heal from the past and trauma. I want to heal, but then it becomes another trauma. I cause people trauma, and they cause me trauma, even when all I ask for is to be understood better first.

There are so many things I haven’t told anyone. There’s something I keep to myself, something I have to fix alone, and I need time to do that. I can’t just open up and share everything right away. It’s not that simple. Healing takes time, and understanding takes even more time.

It’s hard when people don’t understand this. They want quick solutions, fast answers, and immediate actions. But that’s not how it works with the heart and mind. They need time, patience, and understanding. And not everyone is willing to give that.

I wish people could see things from my perspective. I wish they could understand how much effort it takes to be open and honest, to trust again, and to let someone in. It’s not easy, and it’s not quick. It’s a slow process, and it needs to be respected.

I need time to heal. I need time to fix what’s broken inside me. And I need people to understand that and give me the space I need. It’s not too much to ask, but it seems like it’s too much for people to give. That’s the hardest part to accept. But I am trying, and that’s what matters the most right now.

[itsbelvina]

I like it when someone remembers the little things about me. It feels special when someone recalls why I’m being quiet or how I feel about certain things, especially when it’s about my family problems. I appreciate when someone asks me how I feel before asking me out. It shows they care about my comfort and that I trust them completely.

But in my past relationships, it’s been different. They often don’t remember my birthday, my favorite food, or even my favorite TV show. They don’t check in to see how I feel with them. They don’t ask if I’m open with them or if I still have doubts. They just assume I’m fine without really knowing.

For me, these small details matter a lot. It’s not just about remembering dates or favorites. It’s about showing that they are paying attention to what makes me happy or sad. When someone remembers these things, it makes me feel valued and understood.

In my relationships, I want to feel that my partner truly knows me. I want them to understand the reasons behind my feelings and actions. If I’m quiet, there’s usually a reason, and it means a lot when someone cares enough to ask about it.

I also want my partner to check in with me regularly. Asking how I feel about something before making plans shows that they respect my feelings and want me to be comfortable. It’s not just about what we do, but how I feel about doing it with them.

Trust is a big deal for me. I need to trust someone completely before I can open up. When my partner makes an effort to ensure I feel safe and trusted, it strengthens our bond. But when they don’t, it makes me feel distant and unsure.

I want to be with someone who pays attention to the small things and makes an effort to understand me. It’s not just about the big gestures but the everyday moments that show they care. When someone remembers the little details and checks in with me, it makes all the difference in how I feel about the relationship.

I hope to find someone who gets this and makes me feel truly seen and appreciated. That’s the kind of connection I’m looking for, where I don’t have to worry about being forgotten or misunderstood.

[itsbelvina]

Hey everyone,

It's been a while since my last post. A lot has happened, and I haven't been in the best health. I got the flu, had headaches, a cough, and period cramps. But now, I'm feeling much better.

So many things have been going on, and I've noticed I've become colder. I haven't shared much lately because I feel like no one really cares about how I feel. I kind of forgot why I started blogging in the first place, and now I need to find ways to keep myself motivated.

I've changed a lot, and I'm not sure why. I've started avoiding conversations with people around me. When I meet them, I feel really anxious and can't control myself. I start sweating and always think about getting home as soon as possible because I just don't like being around people anymore.

I know that social interactions are important. I know that I need to keep people close to me so I won't feel lonely, but I'm just not into it anymore. I want to stay private.

It's strange because I used to enjoy talking and sharing my thoughts. Now, it feels like a burden. I don't feel like myself, and it's hard to explain. Maybe it's just a phase, or maybe it's something more. I'm not sure.

I'm trying to figure things out, and maybe this is just part of the process. I hope I can find a balance between staying private and still feeling connected to others. Right now, I need to focus on myself and what makes me comfortable.

Thank you to those who have been supportive and understanding. It means a lot, even if I don't always show it. I hope to get back to a place where I can share more openly again. For now, I just need some time.

Take care, and thanks for sticking around.