Despair, probably.

...

[itscooltobedead]

Fallen so far, so far to go

I fall into situations I have very little control over The illusion of freewill does not beset me That’s why I always listen to my gut Pulling me in one direction and then another It’s not chance, it’s not luck It’s fate and it’s destiny. 

Fate is not always kind often cruel and grueling of blood, sweat and tears taking everything I ever had  inside of me to give.

Only when I have nothing left to give am I given a grain of hope of love just a grain of sand to tip the scale back into balance

I am rusted I am weary I am longing

for these travels to be over to find a place called home

be that in my soul or a wide open space 

but I seek to be at peace If fate will grant me rest 

[itscooltobedead]

i lived on top of the world once there must have not been enough air because the years passed me by i blinked and theyd gone by And when I emerged from that Arctic hellscape I was still me Or was I I had been Frozen and then shattered into a thousand pieces And when the ice melted and froze again I was rearranged into a new form and once more broken i have not been put back together yet but all of the anger and of sadness and joy of who i once was is still there, always will be but i owe it to my son to teach him what i know and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and meaning to this life

[itscooltobedead]

dead sex

the ripe age of 21

slowly coming to terms with my aching wrist, cramping fingers.

widow of lust

hands do not seek to explore.

hands are not allowed to.

"naturally"

he says, is when.

but there is no naturally

there is no spark

no foreseeable flame

there is:

healing wounds

forgiveness

friendship

but there is

no lingering embers to blow on if ever one wanted that raging fire to burn again

i was not ready to give that up, and i didnt

it just melted away

and i feel empty

20171025

[itscooltobedead]

i wish i were dead not in the slit your wrists way but in some tragedy so they can remember me the best of me and some can breathe a sigh of relief that the stress of me is over and get on with their lives yes i will be missed but that would be better than living as monster I'm becoming

- 20170421 @0900 Nothin but a drive to work

[itscooltobedead]

I am back on the cusp. I knew I'd be back here I always am. The cusp is my cliff god ive got one foot testing the edge im on my toes ive never been good i can count on my hands the amount of times ive apologized in my life i am self destructive always have been but now im sorry for dragging you into it darling i should have set you free long ago

[qoa]

[itscooltobedead]

a half smoked cigarette was handed to me while i was driving today he lit himself another. I threw the pack out the window while he was turned away. Told him you better enjoy that because its your last. He laughed and took a few moments for him to realize what id done he laughed again. We don’t smoke anymore, not like we use to; but every time we fight and I leave, he smells like a burnt out lucy and I wreak of cheap jose. But we don’t drink like we use to. The more things change the more they stay the same, thats what they say, right? we fight just like we use to when i leave now, i know im coming back. It is bond i question the merit of everyday. if i did the right thing if fighting for us was worth it if we would have been over each other by now had i accepted our parting instead of fighting every night and every day it is my doing i cause that look in his eyes that hurts me i cause pain thats what ive always done and its what ill always do because things have changed, but i guess thats what going to stay the same ill always have that cheap burning liquor and he’ll always have another drag

20170213 @2312

[itscooltobedead]

I followed you to the country you followed me to the city I will find myself at peace where ever we end up  any road we drive down  because now, you are my destination  you are my home and my open arms

[tracy-of-oaks]

I am remarkably troubled on nights where my energy expands into the waking hours when i have yet to shut my eyes each hour melting away into the next but my mind in its tired blur refusing to succumb to sleep. my mind re-piecing together each moment of the day and where I went wrong, if i went wrong and what I could have done better. My aspirations and failures. The moment my heart began to wander, beating for only a fraction of a second for someone else. What was going on in a friends drunken mind on the other side of a missed call. Things going through peoples mind when they see me at the end of the hall. How I am going to survive the next…rest of my life, when at twenty years old i feel as jaded as a race horse on his last day at the track. When did my sincerity rust away to sarcasm?

[itscooltobedead]

Giving it one last fight with tears in your eyes you said I'm sorry. you still love me and I told you no don't do this to us I don't want to be without you. you told me not so long ago that you're better off with me than you had ever been before. I hold onto that, because you know its true. I will love you till the end of time even if our time, does in fact, run out.

3 August 2016 @1700

[itscooltobedead]

Truth is given by God to us all.

[itscooltobedead]

Do all you can to make things the best they can be, and if it doesnt work out walk away. Walk away knowing you did everything in your power to make it good, and it was good.

7 July 2016 @2358

[itscooltobedead]

[itscooltobedead]

Years ago, when my grandma died I wrote a poem on a scrap of paper. I walked around and held it tightly in my small hands.  The funeral director asked me if I wanted him to read it out loud, and I shyly told him no and I placed it in the open casket. I always wonder if he had read it out loud if I would now remember what I had written. I wish I remembered. what did my innocent mind say to dead, to say goodbye. 

[itscooltobedead]

[itscooltobedead]

If time can be good, give me all of it... every ray and passing cloud in this arctic sky. In good time, I'll have all the life I wish to live. But lost time - can be stolen from me at any moment. On edge, I want to save all my time with you. In good time, I'll love you like you deserve to be loved. But one day we'll be out of time. Please don't go before our time is up. Please don't die without me.

17 April 2016; @2140 

Spent

[itscooltobedead]

I’m not ready to echo back words of love please don’t think I don’t adore you my heart stops when I see you across the room  I love you  but I’m not sure if I like you  you are not my best friend we don’t have the best conversations  nothing truly deep and meaningful I’ve had more with strangers but I love you  you have much going on inside  but I can’t see that  you are a blank slate to me  but you held me close and your heart rocked me to sleep  for so long, but no longer you pulled away for valid reason but throw me a bone give me one more night, one last goodbye to hold you close give me an idea, something you truly want if it’s all up to me, I can’t do that forever  and you don’t make us follow through then what are we?  friends with benefits, lovers, not together help me, help us, help you  I hold onto October  I reach for it arm  hand fingers straining, inching, yearning, dreaming, fighting to be together in October  to see your home with you, to see where you came from it’s been a long journey and it hasn’t stopped for you for us?  I’m not sure anymore