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Thorn between pursuing my dream vs pursuing what requires my job. Help me decide

why is it so cringe when i’m mad?

like… there are moments when i’m really mad. the kind of mad that sits heavy in your chest, begging to be released. the kind that wants to scream, to snap, to finally say everything you’ve been holding back.

but when i imagine myself doing it—raising my voice, letting it all out—it just… doesn’t fit me.

it feels unnatural. like i’m wearing someone else’s anger.

so instead, the anger just stays quiet.

and somehow, that feels even louder than screaming.

Ikukuwento ko lang—kagabi, dumugo ang ilong ko.

Pero iba pa ang gusto kong ikwento: ang nangyari kaninang umaga. Inatake ako ng anxiety. Ngayon ko lang talaga naobserbahan at naproseso na iyon pala ang nangyayari sa akin—inaatake ako.

May nag-trigger sa akin. Hindi ko na ikukwento kung ano, pero madalas, iyon talaga ang nagpapabalisa sa akin. Sa pagkakataong ito, hindi lang basta balisa.

Parang nag-blanko ang isip ko. Namumutla ako. Nanlalamig ang mga tenga ko, at nanginginig ang mga kamay. Ramdam ko ang pag-akyat ng takot sa dibdib ko.

Kaya kinakalma ko ang sarili ko.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Paulit-ulit. Pilit na hinahanap ang ritmo ng paghinga, umaasang kasabay nito ay babagal din ang tibok ng puso ko. Natakot ako. Natatakot ako hanggang ngayon.

Madalas, kapag nagmamaneho ako, ang iniisip ko lang ay makarating agad sa pupuntahan. Mas mabilis, mas mabuti. Kaya madalas din akong mainis sa mga nakakapikon sa kalsada, o sa sandaling sobrang trapik. Hindi mo rin talaga matantsa ang daan ~ minsan maayos, madalas magulo. May pagkakataong madedelay ka, at may pagkakataon ding mapapaaga.

Pero may mga bagay pala akong hindi napapansin. Masaya palang makinig ng music habang umaandar. Masarap sa pakiramdam kapag full tank, kapag malinis ang kotse, at maganda ang panahon. Hindi ko ito napapansin noon, dahil ang nakikita ko lang ay ang mga bagay na sa tingin ko’y sagabal sa pagdating ko sa pupuntahan.

Pwede rin pala akong huminto muna sa gasolinahan o sa lay-by kapag nahihirapan at napapagod na. Ganoon din pala ang buhay.

Hindi lang ito tungkol sa kung gaano kabilis makarating sa mga pangarap o sa mga plano. Hindi rin ito laging maayos na daan. May trapik, may liko, may aberya, at may mga sandaling tila naiiwan ka. Pero sa pagitan ng lahat ng iyon, may spotify, may drive thru, may parking na pwedeng magpahinga ng sandali, at may ginhawang hindi mo napapansin kapag ang tingin mo lang ay ang destinasyon.

Hindi naman pala kailangang magmadali palagi. Minsan, kailangan lang magpatuloy o ; di kaya kailangan lang huminto sandali.

Dahil tulad ng pagmamaneho, hindi rin nauubos ang kalsada ng buhay.

When Success Feels Like a Requirement

I didn’t notice it at first. One day, I just realized I wasn’t happy with what I was doing anymore. At first, I thought it was just stress or fatigue, the usual bumps in life. But the feeling lingered, and slowly it became undeniable: I was going through the motions, but the joy was gone.

There are moments when I don’t even celebrate my wins anymore. Completing a project, hitting a goal I worked hard for ~ it all felt like ticking boxes on a never-ending checklist. Doing things not because I wanted to, but because I had to. The satisfaction I used to feel after an achievement was replaced by obligation, like my successes didn’t belong to me ~ they were just expected of me.

I reached a point where even the small achievements in my life felt hollow. Instead of feeling proud, I caught myself thinking, “I should have done that already.” The thrill of accomplishment was replaced by a sense of routine, like success was not something to earn, but something I was required to produce.

It’s exhausting, and quietly lonely. I’ve learned that when you stop celebrating yourself, no one else will do it for you. And yet, even in this rut, I sense that it is not easy to find bliss. Maybe it starts with noticing the small victories, even if they feel like obligations. Maybe it’s about doing things because they matter to me, not just because they’re expected.

I’m slowly learning to pause and say, “I did that. I earned this moment. It matters.” or should I say, I have to remind myself that happiness doesn’t have to wait for a big milestone or a grand success. Sometimes, it’s in the tiny things ~ the completed task, the solved problem, the quiet moment where you acknowledge yourself and say, “I’m proud of me today.”

Grabe yung paniniwala ko sa sinabi ni Paulo Coelho sa The Alchemist, "The universe will conspire to make it happen". Kahit na ina-attack na ako ng anxiety, tinutuloy ko parin dahil iniisip ko the universe will help me to make it happen.

Just recently, I feel like I’m simply following a pattern that someone else drew for them. Wake up, work, achieve, repeat. The rhythm feels familiar and comforting, yet strangely confining. Every step seems predetermined, graduate, get a job, aim for promotion, chase the next credential, until it becomes hard to tell whether I’m still chasing dreams or just fulfilling a script. And that's what I hate. I don’t like the idea of following a pattern. I don’t want my life to feel like a template that everyone else has already filled in. I want to create my own version of success, even if it looks different, slower, or a little uncertain. I don't want to be someone else's pattern of success. I am so caught up in the career ladder.

At this age of 30’s, I couldn’t imagine I’d still be thinking about shifting my career. Sometimes, I pause and ask myself, is it too late to start over? But maybe, just maybe, it’s never really too late when your dreams aren’t just for yourself anymore.

I have so many dreams, not just the ones that keep me awake at night, but the ones that push me to wake up every morning. I dream of seeing my wife drive her own car. I dream of sending my child to a private school, where he’ll have the best opportunities I can possibly afford. I dream of reading a good book at a coffee shop without the constant reminder that I still need to prepare lessons for tomorrow.

It’s not that I don’t love what I do ~ teaching has given me purpose, fulfillment, and identity. But deep down, there’s this whisper that says: “What if you could do more? What if your path is shifting ~ not backward, but forward?”

Maybe this is what adulthood really is ~ realizing that dreams evolve. That the version of success I imagined at 20 isn’t the same at 30. That it’s okay to want something new, something different, even if it means starting from scratch.

I’m still learning to be brave enough to chase new beginnings while carrying the responsibilities that come with this age ~ family, work, and the weight of expectations. But I believe that growth often hides behind discomfort.

So here I am at thirty, still dreaming, still questioning, still moving forward. Because maybe, the best version of me is yet to come.

I've never seen myself like this before. Not in a mirror. Not in photos. Not through the words of others. I saw myself through action. Through stillness. Through the quiet moments that didn’t beg for an audience. Suddenly I’m noticing the way I reach out for clarity instead of control. The way my laugh interrupts silence like it belongs there.

I've never seen myself like this before. Not just standing still, but choosing to stay. To face the ache, the doubt, the exhaustion, and still say: not today.

I see the version of me who almost gave up. Who wrote drafts of goodbye in silence. Who felt like sinking was simpler than swimming against everything. But I also see the version who kept going. Who stitched hope into every unraveling thread. Who didn’t wait for the odds to look better, just showed up anyway.

It’s not that everything’s perfect. It’s not even close. But I’m still dreaming. Still daring. Still becoming.

July 6 ngayon, taong 2025. Tatlong araw na ang lumipas simula nung thesis defense ko para sa master’s degree ko na MSCS. ‘Yung thesis defense, ito ‘yung part kung saan ipi-present mo ‘yung buong research na pinagpaguran mo ng buwan o taon. Tatlong araw na ang lumipas pero hanggang ngayon, ramdam ko pa rin ‘yung pagod, hindi lang physical, kundi mental at emotional din.

Hindi ko talaga maihambing sa kahit anong pagod ‘yung naranasan ko dito. Kung tutuusin, dapat mas madali na ‘to, pangalawang master’s degree ko na kasi ‘to. Nauna kong kinuha ‘yung MAIT. Pero kahit ‘yun, hindi rin naging madali. Doon ko rin kinuwestyon ‘yung sarili kong kakayahan at kaalaman. Katulad ngayon. Pero, hindi, mas mabigat ngayon. Mas draining. Mas nakakapagod. Parang wala na akong natirang energy.

Halos wala na nga akong tulog sa mga huling linggo. Nagsisimula na rin akong magka-anxiety. Hindi ako mapakali, kahit saglit lang na wala akong ginagawa, feeling ko may kulang, may mali. Hindi ako makalabas ng bahay nang hindi dala ‘yung laptop ko. Baka biglang may i-eedit, may kailangang ayusin, may babaguhin sa system o sa paper. Laging on-call ang utak ko. Walang pahinga.

I overcommitted, and almost buried myself in deadlines, revisions, and expectations, both from others and from myself. Gusto kong ibigay lahat, hanggang sa wala na halos matira sa akin. Sa sobrang dami kong gustong matapos at makuha, nakalimutan ko na halos kung paano huminga.

Minsan nga, maalala ko lang ‘yung boses ng Dean namin, sumasakit na agad ulo ko. Siguro para sa iba, mababaw lang ‘to, pero sa totoo lang - nagiging option na nag pag-suko.

Maswerte ako dahil pinapalakas ni Cael yung loob ko, si Cael yung first baby ko. Sobra ko syang mahal, mas mahal ko pa kaysa sa sarili ko. Kaya siguro, sa gitna ng lahat ng ito, ibinigay sa akin ni Lord ang anak ko. Siya pala ‘yung magiging dahilan kung bakit kailangan ko pa ring maniwala sa sarili ko. Siya ‘yung paalala na kahit ubos na ako, may rason pa rin para magpatuloy.

Outgrowing Myself While Still Becoming

I didn’t think I’d be afraid of growing. That’s what we’re all supposed to want, right? Growth, evolution, becoming our “best selves.” I used to chase it relentlessly, books, podcasts, self-help rituals, cutting off toxic people, like it would fix everything. And for a while, it felt like it was working.

But lately… I’ve been scared.

Not of failing. Not of being stuck. But of who I’m turning into. Of who I’m leaving behind.

There are moments I catch myself doing something that the old me would’ve never done, setting boundaries, saying no without guilt, dreaming bigger than feels “safe”—and instead of celebrating it, I freeze. I wonder if I’m losing something. Or someone.

I’m losing versions of myself I clung to for comfort. The one who was always agreeable, even when it hurt. The one who didn’t ask for much. The one who played small because it felt easier than risking rejection. That version of me wasn’t perfect, but it was mine. It helped me survive. And the worst part? I’m not even “there” yet. I’m still becoming. Still figuring it out. Still fumbling. Some days I feel powerful, clear-headed, proud. Other days, I miss the predictability of who I used to be, even if that version of me wasn’t happy. At least he was familiar.

What if the person you wanted to be is exactly the person you are right now?

It was actually discussed in the heirarchy of needs by Maslow, the self-actualization. We kept asking for more, we are asking for things we don't have, because we believe that is what we want and what we deserve.

Sometimes that is what we missed. We missed the acceptance. We missed the joy. We missed the overflowing self love. Sometimes the hardest part of acceptance is embracing what you really you are. Accepting your flaws. Accepting what is lacking in you. Remember what selena gomez says in her song Who Says

Who says you're not perfect

Who says you're not worth it.

What you are right now is the person what you are supposed to be, and for you to be able to grow you mus start accepting what is not missing, but believing what you have and what you can offer to yourself.

I had my anxiety in 2021 but I was able to get through it. And I know I will be able to get through it again whenever it will strike me in 2022.

There is this feeling that burdens me.

It's 2:00 am. I'm supposed to be asleep. Instead, I am facing this write-up, feeling I have something to say.

What do I want? What do I want to do? What keeps me going? Am I deserving to love? Am I too dramatic? What if’s.. and so on.

Sometimes I find it hard to say what do I want and what is happening inside my mind. When I look in the mirror, my face was deceiving, I look very happy.

Sometimes we fall into a fear that is too difficult to overcome. And sometimes it results to many other fears. Making us feel like we’re crashing down. But we can’t stay in this situation for too long, how will we pick ourselves up?

I found myself fearing — I am wasting my life, going on the wrong track. I am being a slave to a corporation, or to money, a prisoner in an office. It made me thinking I am missing a lot of opportunities outside. I’m almost used my full capacity. It even made me jealous of my colleagues who make more money, have more time, and enjoy more adventures than me.

I still feel these fears, however one cannot stay like this for too long. We have to find a way out. We have to stop the hurting. We are not ourselves when we’re bleeding emotionally. We have to heal.

kinda tired of being okay with things i’m not okay with.

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