How to Throw the Perfect Dinner Party: Rejected by McSweeney's
Nothing brings people together quite like the intimate setting of a dinner party. Everyone has to eat after all, so why not entertain those you love most, or more importantly, those you desperately want to impress, with the perfect evening. Whether you want to win the approval of a new boss, the love of an attractive acquaintance, or just keep up appearances with the neighbors, no other social gathering is as effective in creating an opportunity for you to tastefully brag (pun intended) to people you want to gain the admiration and/or jealousy of.
The Guest List Creating the perfect guest list is like a balancing act. Who you invite should impress friends and colleagues that didn’t make the cut, but they shouldn’t be so impressive that they take the focus off you, and that’s the whole point. The perfect guest is someone that others think highly of, but ideally doesn’t think highly of him- or herself. When in doubt, never invite someone more endearing than yourself unless it’s for personal gain. Also, drop hints in advance that a well known, but not entirely unattainable, public figure will attending and that you don’t why you even invited them because they always act like a sad puppy around you and they don’t eat dairy. Note: It doesn’t matter if your guests actually get along because the objective is not to have good time, it’s to effectively draw attention to yourself.
Ambiance It’s not about what you serve, but how you serve it. From the music to the tablescapes, this is the perfect opportunity to show off your impeccable taste. The key here is to never make it look you tried too hard, but you should, in fact, try very hard. How impressed your guests will be is directly contingent upon not only the actual grandeur of it all, but to an even greater degree, your nonchalance about it. Even if you’re using your dead grandmother’s silk napkins for the first time in 10 years, it’s important to present the illusion you use them all the time, because you’re just that classy. To that end, subtly suggest that you threw everything together last minute and that you always listen to Edith Piaf at dinner time. Remember, your goal is to create an atmosphere that will make your guests feel both comfortable and extremely jealous.
Food and Drink You can’t have a dinner party without dinner, otherwise it’s just a regular party and you should be reading a different guide. Sure, it’s easy to make the same old roasted chicken you’ve been serving to your family for years, but you’re cooking for people whose opinions you actually care about this time. This is the perfect occasion to try out that cream braised heritage duck with blackberry farfalla, hollandaise seared mashed potatoes, and butter turnip ice cream you read about. It doesn’t matter how it actually tastes, only how impressive it looks and sounds when you announce the menu. The same goes for drinks. Provide enough alcohol that guests can be more easily persuaded by your charm, but not so much that they can’t recall all the elegant details the next day. If you can’t afford top shelf wine and spirits, you can always steal empties from bars and then refill them at home, no one will know the difference. Also, be sure to apologize to your guests for serving such a run-of-the-mill meal and use an excuse like “my regular butcher died” or “I completely forgot about tonight and this is all I had in the pantry.” Everyone will understand.
