I know I’ve said it before, but I changed my mind and decided to try to stay here. But this time I mean it… this is my last post on this blog. I’m making a new one. Where I’m safe, where I’m ignored because I am chosing to isolate myself and not because apparently I’m not good enough to be followed and talked to even though people do both with my brother. My self esteem plummets a lot here. I’m on guard a lot. A lot of things happen that make me second guess even the closest relationships in my life.
But, on the brighter side of my life, I have this boy. A boy I worked very hard to actually get to be with the way I am now. He and I have been through hell and back in our lives and we’ve finally gotten to where we can be together. A few months ago, he was in very bad depression. And we weren’t really speaking but I still thought of him every day. I wanted to just grab him and pull him out of the situation that was depressing him and make him better. But I couldn’t. I knew I had to let him find his way out on his own. At that point in life, it wasn’t my job to protect him and save him, no matter how much I wanted to. All I could do was watch and hope that he’d be okay one day.
And one day did come. And in the process, he found his way to me and I promised him that I’d never let him get depressed again. That I’d protect him from the things that trigger him. And since he’s my boyfriend now, I can have a more active role. The light in his eyes… it’s dulling a little. And it’s killing me. So I’m going to take him and go to a private spot. Where no one can touch us. Where no one can do and say things to try to damage us. This boy is someone I am never willing to let go of. He knows almost all my damage and he still thinks I’m beautiful. And when he’s with me, I feel it. Nothing that comes out of his mouth is just words. He means them. Just like what I say to him is never just words. I mean them.
And I said I’d protect him. And us. And myself. So this is me doing that. See ya, Tumblr.
He is my happiness, and the only thing that keeps me going and motivated. I get out of bed every day knowing that I'll be waking up to him, and it's such a change, and a wonder for me to be as happy as I am. He saves me from the bad things in life, and he even saves me from myself at times. And even though I know he would never hurt me, I'm only human, and my mind retreats to darker places. But he pulls me out of the dark every time, and he does it effortlessly- even without talking.
Everyone who sees us can see that we are meant to be together, but there are always a select few who don't want that. But Gabe keeps me holding on, and he makes sure that I know where I stand, and constantly tells me how much he loves me. I believe him. I trust him more than I have ever trusted anyone. And I'm putting myself entirely in his hands.
That being said, this will be my last post on this blog too. My public life is utter chaos, and I don't need my private life to be the same way. I'm moving to another blog, and I'm determined to be happy there. I will only follow those who support me and my relationship because it's the most important thing to me. I'm going to be happy. Gabriel is going to be happy. That's all.
