āDonāt Run Back Into the Burning House Just Because Itās Cold Outsideā
I was doom scrolling on a random evening when I stumbled upon this quote on a video and it hit me. Itās been 6 months since I moved out of my hometown and moved to the South. Nobody told me that moving out of your hometown feels like a loss that almost feels like something inside you died. I felt all of the most unimaginable joy, sadness, fear, and loss and then it hit me - I was grieving. I grieve the place where everything felt safe even though it was chaotic, I grieve for my family who, by the way, are still alive, I grieve for the friends that I left, and I grieve for my old life. The life that I thought Iād live for the rest of my life - or at least the next 50 years.
Before moving to the South, I started forming my life back home. For the longest time, I never went out and I just stayed at home especially since I worked from home. Everything was good because the only social life I needed was my only friend which happened to be my best friend. But something shifted after I signed up for a gym membership - I met these amazing people who have become part of my chosen family. I feel like there was an unfinished business when I moved out as everything was just starting out. I feel that Iām yearning for more golden days with my newfound chosen family.
At this point, Iām not sure if Iām just homesick or grieving but one thing is for sure - I miss everything. Iād be lying to myself if I said I didnāt want to go back. The truth is,Ā I want to go back home.Ā Iām willing to risk it all again. However, I had to remind myself that I canāt go back. I canāt go back to the place where thereās always yelling - where there is always an issue financially and fights over the table. I couldnāt afford it. What I have right now is precious and something that I canāt just leave. I have the peace of mind that Iāve always dreamed of. It took me years of courage to do this and itās finally paying off and I just canāt leave everything again. I would always remind myself why I did this big adult move.
Iām sure that I was ready before doing the big move but was I really ready? Or was I just sick and tired at that moment? Iām not sure what to feel anymore honestly. Donāt get me wrong - Iām happy but at the same time thereās this sad feeling inside of me. I also question myself almost every day whether I did the right thing. My therapist also said that āSometimes the right decisions feel wrong and hard but that doesnāt mean you did the wrong thing.āĀ I donāt like this feeling of grief it is really tough.
I do come visit home every month and it helps me. I catch up with friends, hang out with my family again, hang out with myself in my old safe spaces. However, there was this one time where I was about to go back to the South and my heart just felt really heavy - I didnāt want to leave. I was crying the moment I left my parentsā house until I reached my new home and I kept saying I don't want to go back I want to stay. It was the most painful cry in a while and it hurt really bad. This is why Iāve said that itās grief that Iām feeling. I feel good most of the time, but when it does hit me, it hits. Itās like a wave where it builds up but also just comes crashing down when it does.
Cheers to the golden days, self.
