[itssssmariaaaa]

[itssssmariaaaa]

December 23

Hearing you and not even knowing you I fell in love with you in a instant. Crying at first , not knowing how I felt I asked God to give me the strength to be everything you ever needed. Heart beat growing , belly showing , feet swelling , no space to move in no more , here’s comes a beautiful 8 pound baby boy.

Shocked and mixed emotions on how was I going to raise a kid when I couldn’t even deal with what was going on in my life.Had a moment of confusion on how or why God blessed me with you. Everything in my life was a mess and i didn’t want to mess your life up too. Bringing you into a world we’re daddy and mommy couldn’t tolerate one another.My heart sank and just wished that everything would change. Situations got worst and day by day instead of being happy I started to lose my way. When I decided it was best to leave & start a new chapter , I saw it in your precious little faces that you were lost and confused.

Seeing mommy sad but pretending to smile thru it all I could tell you felt my pain. Trying my best to be the strong one for you, I ended up being the one leaning on you. someone so small having to carry your own mom is what hurt me the most thru it all. Those small arms always hugging me when you’d see me sad. Hearing you out of the random say “ MOMMY I LOVE YOU” & getting your attention was truly all I needed. Yet that wasn’t enough for me to go ahead and mess our relationship up. Choosing weed and alcohol over a sweet boy just numbing my pain away and losing a relationship that I thought would never end. With a heavy heart I learned from my mistake and all I wish is for that day to have you back in my arms & letting you know that I’ll never take all those small moments for granted again. I love you baby.

[itssssmariaaaa]

Big Heart

Shoulder to cry on?

Hugs needed ?

Someone to vent to ?

I was the one you always needed.

When I was breaking inside I was still there to guide you.

Having so much hope for us that I lost myself trying to help you , find you.

Losing myself and my dreams. For someone who couldn’t even see all the love and support he had from me.

Giving my all , fighting for what I thought was love. Giving my trust to someone who in just an instant decided our relationship wasn’t enough.

Betrayed , lied to and most of all ashamed on how I allowed someone to treat me this way.

I thought I was happy I thought I was in love turns out I was nothing but a dumb girl who you would just fuck. Lost and confused on why the hell Im still here . Why is it so hard to let go of someone who doesn’t even bother to care . I blame this big heart of mine that loves to easy and sees the good instead of the bad , making excuses for all the red flags . Told myself many times before , don’t be a fool and let your emotions control you , yet once I care my heart starts to decide . Don’t let go & don’t give up they’ve just never been treated with love . My brain tries to fight it but my heart seems to always over power it. Don’t lose sight keep fighting, for he might just once let you inside.

Finally done crying and seeing what everyone else see , my heart didn’t want to but my mind already knew it was time to let go and be free.

[itssssmariaaaa]

Clouded Emotions

Day dreaming about you and I and I can’t help to feel how I feel inside . Im scared to fall for this guy. Everyone talks the talk but not a lot can back up that talk.

You’ve been so kind yet I feel like there’s something you hide. Might it be the look into your eyes I can tell you’re hurt inside?Or the fact that your smile hides so much pain from the past? Perhaps the fact that I don’t feel like your saying the whole truth but I just keep hoping your being you.

Feeling you , connecting with you and being so open had to remind myself a couple of moments; Show few emotion don’t let your heart get broken, take it day by day but one night just changed all of it .

The way I saw you wasn’t the same a little bit of piece of me just wanted to walk away and say “ well aren’t they all the same “.

Yet I believe in the bigger picture and small details that have no meaning don’t mean as much as some of us females would like to make it seem . Letting go but fearing that history’s repeating scared to open up but feeling like it’s needed.

I want you but feel like I’m not the piece to your completion . Just tell me if this is real or if it doesnt mean shit give me that ease in my mind that Im needing.

[itssssmariaaaa]

Goodbye.

Something about you drove me wild I could tell it in the way you smiled . Looked at me with those pretty light brown eyes that beautiful smile could hypnotize any girl from a thousand miles . Had my heart locked walls built and you just jumped over and opened it. Trusting and believing in every word you said for you to just one day decide to send a text . Text that started this whole damn argument. Two whole days backs and forth , trying to see if we would overcome this, asking you to stay crying for you to just put all your bags away, you’ve made the decision to walk away . Now your looking , seeking trying to reach out to me . Name bashing , acting out to see if you grab my attention. You got it but it’s not what you quiet expected . I truly meant it when I said it I was into you but you broke me into piece that I regret ever letting you in. I wish you nothing but the best , wishing you reach all the success , hope you find that happiness . Wanting nothing but the best the way I believe in you I hope you still believe in me . No one knows me the way you did . People change and what use to make sense became a painful memory. The love that was once there just left . Thank you for all the lessons and laughter we shared but this was our finally chapter, farewell.

[itssssmariaaaa]

It’s All Thanks To You.

When pushing came to shoving you always had my best in interest .

I always thought you just didn’t understand me but it was me who didn’t understand you .

All the talks and me giving you attitude thru my high school life deciding to choice a guy over you seemed so simple to do.

That was than this is now I wouldn’t know where my life would be without you.

You’ve guided me my whole life to become the woman I’m suppose to be.

And Im hoping I’m making you proud , trust in the lord and everything else falls in place you’ve always said to me but not once did I ever believe it to be true until everything came at me and he was there with you .

You’ve managed to change your life around from a horrible background to such a beautiful happy ever after .

I admire you in ways that I never have told you before.

You managed to raise four beautiful daughter all on your own , starting at such a young age and having people look at you with such disgrace . Having to work multiple jobs leaving your baby girls to people to watch while you try to get them everything they need in life.

You worked day and night even when you were tired or sick you had to push thru.

You couldn’t just stay in bed and rest because you knew you had a lot of people depending on you. I look up to you because even with everything they thru at you you’ve never let them get to you .

You’ve taught me to be strong not only for me but for a little one who looks up to me. I might have not seen it than but I see it now you never once left me thru all that dark moments in my life but it was I who pushed you away from me. I thank God on a daily that he’s given me someone so strong to help me on my journey. I don’t think I’d ever make it past all those rough moments life’s given me.

I know I don’t say this enough and I might still till this day bump heads with you from time to time but I wouldn’t be who I am today without the help of you mama! I love you and I hope one day I can repay you for everything you’ve done for me and your grandson.

[itssssmariaaaa]

February 11, 2015

My life changed, I came to realization that I didn’t need anybody to help me be who I wanted to be. That someone who I thought was it for me could possibly be the end of me.

Made me realize that I allowed myself to allow him to change me in ways I didn’t want to be. On the bright side he made me realize I couldn’t depend on anyone but myself. I was young and naive I thought it was me and him forever. Nobody truly understood how this changed me . I had high hopes that we could be I tried and tried to change myself for someone who couldn’t even fix his selfish ways of being . Married and “in love” right?

Everyone thinking we were so lucky to finally start having our little family and growing up.

Truth be told i fell out of love, I’m the type to pull away after a betrayal and still somehow after yours I still wanted us.

I gave you chances after chances just for you to get your things together not only for me but for our so called family . Chances and chances were given but every time you just cheated adding to it laying hands on me for you seemed so easy.

Between giving you chances and feeling alone I started realizing I was better off without you but I didn’t want to do this all over again. I refused getting heartbroken , I didn’t want to start opening again to someone completely new . I didn’t feel like I needed too when I was already with my “ happily “ ever after.

See starting over is what’s the scariest part of a break up. Having to flirt and figure out if the persons into you like the way your into them, or see if they feel the same way as you but not sure how to even ask the question or come about it . You put me in a position I wish I never had to be. To start all over or keep trying on a marriage that wasn’t ever meant to be.

I cried nights trying to figure out where we both went wrong but I yet can’t understand marriage and how this was even my fault. Love is suppose to be something beautiful but I’ve yet to feel that with someone. I thought I found it when it came to you but I was wrong.

[itssssmariaaaa]

The loveless End

Looking into pure darkness, wide awake, listening to you thru my phone; Hearing you rap about drugs and love doesn’t quiet add up.

I try to stop myself from thinking about you, but I can’t help myself from wondering what could of been of us.

Can’t help myself from letting tears just roll down. Blocked you off all social media’s, my phone, and even email! That’s how far I went to get myself to not even try to look for you!

Ive gotten to the part where I go to delete all our pictures of us, but as soon as I go to press the delete my mind becomes to over think, how two person who were so strong managed not to be enough and End up not erasing them. Constant torture I put myself thinking sometimes “what if we would of done things differently?” What if I didn’t trust in people who I thought were to be trusted ?”What if you didn’t let your own mind eat you up and have constant battles within your head ?”Wouldn’t we have been perfect? “

Don’t know what it is. Can’t really seem to put a word on it, can’t really explain it but, something about this one made me become a bit numb. I believe love exist and that not everyone the same . I just can’t help to think negative from time to time on thinking all guys are the same. Fearing that “the right “ one might just never come and I’ll have to compromise to someone whose just another bum.

I feel like I lost a piece of me with this one when I finally decided to let him walk away from me. I can’t shake this feeling I get when rainy days come or when a song comes up and it reminds me of how we use to be driving in your moms Nissan just singing and acting dumb.

I miss so many things, but my heart can’t seem to just get what my brain thinks.

I deserve better I deserve sincere love actually love ! So tell me why can’t I just get it thru my head that we are done ?

[itssssmariaaaa]

Patience .

Twenty-Two soon to be Twenty-Three, what is it coming to when I feel like I need to have everything?

When I say everything I mean exactly that , feeling like I need a spouse , a car , a big house with a gate and a dog with money that can afford it all .

Dreaming so big and expecting so much but ,

school never taught me about self-belief , worth nor how to motivate myself to try to be the person I wanna become.

Destined for greatness but , have self-doubt. Raised to believe in working a minimum wage job is enough to make it but , I believe I deserve so much better than what they’re paying. When the opportunity finally comes the decision becomes tough but , I can’t even think because my anxiety just sucks.

Going thru emotions and thoughts not sure if what I’m doing is enough. Rushing thru trying to make my big break before it becomes to late. Wishing time slowed down and asking God to hear me out I swear I just wanna be great and make a big difference in this crazy world.

I’m only twenty two feeling like I’m running out of time and not being able to pursue what I’m meant to do. I ask and pray that God just keeps giving me ..... patience .

[itssssmariaaaa]

Brush It Off

I miss the old you or should I say the real you.

The one that always had a big bright smile on your face . The one who always found the bright side to those dark days. I miss seeing your big brown eyes shinning bright , now all I see is someone who wants to cry half the time. Your smile isn’t real anymore and you’ve just become so lost and distant with yourself.

Looking for guidance from people who won’t even help you heal.

Losing yourself everyday drinking and smoking to numb the pain. The pain will always be there whenever your high goes away .

Bring back that person everyone fell in love with . I wonder so often why half of us are so heartbroken from someone who really didn’t appreciate us. Wake up and come to the realization that you don’t need somebody but you want somebody. On a daily I wonder where is that woke person that taught others that self love and knowing your worth is more important than being petty ?

What happen to that strong independent person who had all their shit together and didn’t need anyone for acceptance .

Be you and fuck whatever everyone else says , love hurts but trust me when I say the storm will soon fade and you will be okay !

[itssssmariaaaa]

The Great White Buffalo

Seeing you protect me the way you did , I’ve never had someone step up for me in that way. Having you hug me telling me everything will be alright , I could tell looking into to your eyes you saw my weakness and how all I wanted to do was cry.

You managed to keep me from crying and not going into that dark hole that I thought I was so close to going into.

Consistently reassuring me of how I had an amazing future ahead of me.

While most of my friends chose sides between my ex and I, you didn’t care what happened between us all that mattered to you was my safety and if I was alright.

When you finally heard what happened , instead of making me feel judged, you gave me such warmth and acceptance that I haven’t felt in a long time.

After the storm I went through , it only took you one second after to brighten my world once again.

Hearing your past and seeing you strive , you pushed me to keep going . I am forever grateful for you and I wouldn’t want you ever out of my life.

Memorizing all the few good times we did have , brought me to days in which I haven’t had in such a while .

The strange part , I didn’t want to share you with anyone but I couldn’t live up to tell you how you made me feel. I couldn’t explain any of these feelings or put exact words into how I feel about you.

[itssssmariaaaa]

Serenity.

Wise words never mean harm.

When they’re just words trying to guide you to what everyone wants.

I think I finally listened within in and found a solution to my problems.

I wanted to fall so deeply in love that it didn’t matter to me in how or in what form I got the attention i always thought I needed.

Easily thinking guys were into me because of my brain and not just the beauty. Thinking forever was always with the guys that thought they knew me. Back to back two failed relationships trying to change myself for one and not really knowing what I wanted out of the last one. Had so much anger towards them when I realized it was never them who were to blame but me for always choosing them over my own needs . I gave them to much when they didn’t even deserve me. I allowed them to be disrespectful towards me just for the sake of having someone love me.

After a year of being with someone who I thought could of been the one I came to a certain peace when it all finally ended. This type of thing just wasn’t something I expected . This calm soothing serenity made me just not care anymore about anything but me. It made me think and realize everything I use to tell other females was what I needed to do to be in complete peace within myself . Learning day by day its better to be alone and happy with one self than have someone who just isn’t any good for you or your beautiful soul. I finally understand that tranquility and what it means in me . I’ve overcome and came along way to be where I am today I am able to say I don’t need that love I wanted so bad from those guys or any in plural I fell in love with someone so much better and that someone is ME !

[itssssmariaaaa]

One Day

Late at night when your sound asleep I’m stuck awake thinking to myself why wasn’t I enough. When your over there cuddled with her & fighting about who loves who more , I’m stuck over here wondering when will I finally find the one . I’m trapped in my own mind that it’s killing me slowly . Replaying over and over again what could of i done differently . I’ve tried my best to keep so many people I care & love happy but , I seem to always screw up some point . Can’t have a decent relationship with anyone cause my trust issues are horrible . Always fearing and expecting someone else to leave my life . I’m so used to people just coming in & out it became a normal routine for me . I’m so paranoid with the fact that I lose a lot of people I care about or loved at one point I started questioning myself is it me? Am I the one that ruins everything in my life? Do I need to change even more than I have already? What’s wrong with me , why can’t I ever just be enough for anybody ? I’m forever battling my own mind with these dark thoughts . I try to keep whatever faith I do have and push thru to see the bigger picture but somehow it just fades more & more away from me. Grasping on to the little hope I do have I pray & ask that maybe just ONE day I’ll finally be ENOUGH !

[itssssmariaaaa]

The Truth.

I asked you twice if you ever dated my homie twice you denied it. Once everything started hitting daylight you started singing like A Canary . Finding out you didn’t date him but fucked him twice . Silly girl telling me it was a mistake ; I couldn’t believe that shit mistakes happen once not twice.

Truth be told I stopped trusting anything and everything about you since that day.

I cared a lot about you more than you ever knew . I wish I could of let myself to have something with you but you couldn’t ever give me the fucken truth. I told you I was the realest that I wasn’t ever out to get you or destroy you. I tried to build with you shit I’m the one who gave you the blueprint to the things you know and you know it’s true .

I might be spreading lies and rumors just to hurt you but you did way worse by consistently telling me you loved me but always having niggas be there for you when I couldn’t .

My fault for not giving you the love or attention .

I confess sometimes it was all just in my head but to me that’s what ruined this relationship.

Not having that trust we lost since day one I could tell you wanted this I could tell cause you tried so hard to prove to me all the times I tried to say you were wrong. It was hard constantly having to prove yourself but you caused it upon this relationship. I had that trust in you until that day you finally confessed to fucking my homie.

We tried to grow we tried to build but I couldn’t get it out of my head. It wasn’t the same as the begging but without trust we couldn’t continue growing . It hurt me making this decision but it was the correct one that needed to be made. It hurts from day to day but I stand by my decision it true what I said I lost myself the day I found you. Sad thing about it all was you were always the one to keep me to stay and not walk away . I cared and I possibly could of gotten myself to love you but seeing we were more toxic to each other I just couldn’t have you convince me anymore to stay.

[itssssmariaaaa]

Down For You.

Heart beating tears rolling can’t seem to catch my breath at the moment.

Someone please help me I’m fucken heartbroken.

He took a piece of me when he decided to finally walk out and leave.

Walking out on all our hopes and dreams.

Everything we worked for just thrown out the window because isn’t it you who said “ I’m throwing love out the window “?

Well congratulations you fucken did it.

You threw away the only person who was ever consistent.

The bullshit lies , the crazy adventure at night and betrayals caused upon us .

I stuck by it all even the sleepless night when you decided to make our apartment into a fucken bar.

Risking myself to go with you to make endless amount of drops . Staying up to talk and smoke one even tho I knowingly had A.M shift to work thru.

Sacrifices I made for us just to be able to connect; yet to you i was never truly there for you. What more could you’ve wanted from me I pushed a side my goals and dreams not because you asked me to but for the sake of being there for you.

Sometimes I wish I really wasn’t down for you than maybe everything you’ve been posting online about me be true and not just false accusations coming from you.

[itssssmariaaaa]

Reality hit .

I didn’t know it get to this exact moment . Believing and feeling I was alone, thinking there wasn’t anyway out feeling so miserable inside. Trying to take the pain away for just one last time .

It’s your ordinary life everyone seem to think everything’s so peachy but behind the scene reality is far from what it seems to actually be.

Smoking & drinking to feel nothing but that warm tingly feeling; feeling of when I once was so happy & in Love .

You see when I had you nothing in the world could explain the love I felt for you . The bond between us two nobody could take away , you are the light to the darkest days but when daddy took you I just couldn’t , I lost myself that day.

I knew the day was soon to come

Seeing you look at me with those big beautiful brown eyes , I can feel it your lost with no directions you can easily point that finger on me .

when I was down you were the one to easily turn my frown upside down . When I needed someone to hug your little tiny arms were wide open & when I needed kisses your little lips were just kissing my cheek away. I shouldn’t have put so much weight on those small little shoulders I’m the one that suppose to be teaching you how to be happy in this crazy fucked up world.

Id swore to myself that I was always gonna protect you . When you needed me I’d be there . When there was nobody else left I’d still be here.

Things happened to fast one after another that mama forgot the reality to this world.

Felt like there wasn’t any reason to this world anymore . You so helpless didn’t know any of it, you were with daddy when mommy wasn’t feeling herself no more .

Sooo low sooo fucken low I got. I Forgot that I had you & more to look forward to. I love you and when you get big I hope you realize that those crazy months going back and forward from mom to dad wasn’t because i didn’t love you or because I didn’t want you .

I needed to fix myself and fix myself fast to be able to have YOU .

[itssssmariaaaa]

Chasing a dream.

Never did I imagine someone like you could make such a huge impact in me . I wasn’t expecting any of this . I figured that I was just someone you really weren’t going to ever chase. Someone that just when you got nothing to do you could come talk to me. Deep in my head I was hoping you actually would. I had that bit of hope making me believe that you actually cared. Hoping that instead of choosing me as second option you make me the first. Chasing a dream that I thought could become reality. You See but that’s where I fucked up. I had that little bit of hope . I had hope in you. I believe that maybe you actually wanted this . I had that little hope thinking to myself yea he does care. I had hope and look where it has gotten me. My friends tell me to just drop you & just move on . You tell me I’m better off without you , that I’ll be “alright ” . Yet nobody cares how I feel . Yea it easy to say you’ll be alright, you can do this , you don’t need him , he fuxked up , etc but something you don’t know is that you became someone important to me in such little time. You were there when I needed somebody . When I cried you lifted me up. When I thought I was about to break you reminded me of how much stronger I was . You expect me to forget about you so easily when it not that simple. I gave you pieces of me that not even my ex has. I gave you something I never trusted anyone with and now you just wanna walk away from me once again. I’m chasing a dream that I once thought was becoming reality until out of no where you switched it up on me . You decided it was good to push me away . It was even a better idea for you when you came to a conclusion to become distance with me . Not knowing the damage your causing only thinking of yourself . I sincerely did care , I sincerely still do & as much as it hurts I just hope you realize all of this was true. You had my heart & my mind with that combination I was yours but you weren’t ever mine . I was chasing a dream that I thought could become reality.