maybe i am scared
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@itszacmatic
maybe i am scared
Cattlepunk Festival!!!
This is what I'm planning to make my next one shot, but I've been mulling over a bunch of different ideas for the script, lol
(Traditional pen and ink with digital color)
What Could Have Been (Timebomb)
"Sometimes taking a leap forward means leaving a few things behind"
(Traditional ink with digital watercolor)
Zacmatic #5 - Butterflies
It's been four years since King Zevon ended, and in that time, a lot has changed.
(Read right to left, which I don't like, but I need to be consistent with the other Zacmatic comics/manga)
This is the last personal comic I'm going to make for a while, so I just want to say thank you to all of the people who have supported me throughout the past four years and throughout my life in general.
I dedicate this to you, and I hope I can keep making you all proud.
Goodnight Punpun, one of the greatest yet hardest things I’ve ever read.
There are some small spoilers up ahead.
Over the weekend I read the manga “Oyasumi Punpun” also known as “Goodnight Punpun.” I couldn’t have chosen a worse weekend to read it. Halloween is also the birthday of my deceased friend, Jessica. Usually I can at least distract myself on Halloween since there’s so much fun to be had in it, but when you’re stuck in a dorm, all you can do is mourn.
Punpun is about the life of a young man. It starts when he is roughly 10 and ends when he is 21. The series delves into themes of depression, nihilism, suicide, hopelessness, day to day life, romance, sex, etc. We see him grow up, we see him deal with relationships. We see him experience loss. We see him contemplate both his own existence and suicide.
What’s interesting however, is that Punpun is not drawn as a human. He is instead drawn as a small, almost too simple, bird. Because of this, Punpun usually is expressionless. Hell, he doesn’t even say anything throughout the entire manga… At least not conventionally. Punpun talks through his own panels. These panels are pure black with white text. They’re usually his inner thoughts, almost as a narration. Whenever he speaks, it will be in quotations within these black panels. It gives the feeling of his inner thoughts. It’s interesting seeing Punpun grow, as well. Because Punpun’s design is so simple and somewhat abstract, artist Inio Asano was able to warp Punpun however he saw fit (to great effect). The more simple a character design is, the easier it is to warp it, and the easier it is to emphathize with it, so it was almost perfect to not make Punpun look like everyone else in the manga.
The artwork for Goodnight Punpun is phenomenal. Despite Punpun and his family’s simple designs, the rest of the characters and world are so detailed. The panels are laid out expertly, and there are plenty of double-paged spreads that look actively incredible. Inio Asano is a master mangaka, and it’s incredible seeing how densely layered and detailed his artwork is.
A large portion of Goodnight Punpun is focused on a girl named Aiko. Aiko is a girl who is almost just as broken as Punpun, but Punpun falls in love with her very early on in the manga. A large portion of his high school and adult years are of him searching for her. There’s even a point where Punpun says he would kill himself if he did not find her within those two years. The question would be though, after not talking to this girl in almost 5 years, what would happen to Punpun when he actually meets up with her again? Would she be the same or completely different? Punpun could possibly be chasing after someone who forgot about him. It’s sad, as everyone has that story of “the one that got away.” Everyone has that story of that person they want to chase after.
Punpun is both one of the most relatable protagonists, yet he’s not necessarily a good person. He’s selfish, he’s self destructive, he’s horribly depressed, but it feels natural to see how he turned out like this. It’s hard to admit that you relate to someone like Punpun. You meet him as an early child, and see how he can turn into someone so… Not evil, but definitely not someone you should relate to.
There are other characters that are just as broken as Punpun, however. There’s the already mentioned Aiko, Punpun’s verbally abusive and miserable mother, his depressed and self destructive uncle, his friend and on and off lover Sachi, etc. Each of these characters feel like real people. They all have their own motivations, flaws, insecurities, and have to deal with them in their own way. The cast of Goodnight Punpun is so diverse, that there WILL be at least one character you relate to way too much.
There are some scenes in this manga that broke me. I almost never cry, not because I think there’s anything wrong with it, I just can’t really physically do it anymore (even at times when I want to). However, there are multiple moments in Goodnight Punpun where I genuinely teared up. There are too many moments to account for, and I’m trying to be light on spoilers. So many things happened in this manga, despite only being 147 chapters (with 15-20 pages per chapter). There were times where I hated Punpun as a character, but also hated the world around him for treating him this way. Despite Punpun potentially being a bad person, you really relate to his mistakes and hope he turns out okay in the end. However, there were times where I genuinely thought the manga would end with Punpun killing himself. Does he kill himself? Read the manga and find out for yourself.
The ending left me feeling empty, but I think that was the point. Despite the fact that I finished reading it roughly 4 hours ago, I still can’t help but feel empty. Like I said, I really should not have read this on a weekend where I was grieving the loss of my best friend. Despite it being 7 years ago now, her death is always going to stick with me, whether I want it to or not. There are times where I would try to think she may have not even existed, and gathered evidence for it. I recently came to the conclusion that it didn’t matter whether or not my friend existed. I had my own memories, and I can believe what I wish as long as I don’t hurt anyone. Interestingly enough, Punpun goes through some similar things.
I can’t stress this enough, you should not read Goodnight Punpun if you still have thoughts of suicide. You need to be at least somewhat stable to read this manga. You also NEED to at least be 18. I usually think age ratings are dumb, since they usually aren’t realistic (people experience things like porn, rated R movies, rated M games, drugs, etc. before the age of 17-18, so it their ratings are somewhat meaningless). However, Punpun is something you should never even think about reading when you’re an adolescent or ESPECIALLY a kid. I really do not want to know what would happen to me if I was younger, read this, and took the wrong lessons from it.
That being said, if you are 18+ and mostly mentally stable, you need to read Goodnight Punpun. It’s something everyone should read at least once. It’s a story that could very well change your perspective on life. Keep in mind though, this is not something easy to read. This manga will test you, but the result is now one of my favorite pieces of media, ever.
(Apologies these images are both pretty bad photos. I didn’t know how lighting worked when taking a photo I was 12, and I didn’t have any good lighting to take the 2nd photo).
So I’ve been pretty public about the fact that my dream is to create an adventure manga (or at least a graphic novel). I know it’s a lofty goal, but it’s been my dream for 6 years now. Even though I’ve been reinventing the series a lot over those years, it still has two things that are the same. These three initial main characters, and a theme of adventuring a giant world.
I thought the original concept image I had of the 3 main characters was gone forever, and while I still don’t know where the initial sketchbook I drew these from is, I found an image of it on my computer! I’m so glad I still somehow have this after years of having my files be shuffled around to different computers.
I wanted to remake this image to both show how I’ve grown as an artist, and just to see how things changed over time. All 3 of the characters have changed significantly in design, not just from me getting better as an artist. It’s interesting seeing how things have changed. If anything, my determination to tell my story has grown.
I still need to figure out a LOT of plot details (you have to have a lot of things to think through before you even start writing story focused on adventure and world building), maybe I should take notes? I also need to get better at character design, landscape drawing, actually being decent at coloring with copics, being better at anatomy, and having people interact with each other and the world around them better physically. I also should probably work on developing fight scenes. This is a “shonen,” after all. Both before and after I read the series, I realized how similar my idea was to Eiichiro Oda’s series, One Piece. I love One Piece, I really do. It’s somewhat everything I wanted my series to be, but it also makes me fear that my series will be unoriginal. Who knows? At the very least, I hope I can find a way to make a story that will stick with people for years to come.
Remaking this wasn’t that bad. My main issue was coloring. I’m still pretty awful with copics, and while this is the best I’ve ever done, it’s clear I still have a long way to go with mastering them… I also probably need a lot more markers!
This was made in celebration of Deshaun Dupree Holton AKA Derty Harry AKA Big Proof’s Birthday (October 2nd). He is best known for forming the hip-hop group, D12, and being the best friend of Eminem. Proof is my favorite rapper, and I’d thought I‘d upload the art I made for him today.
This was the message I wrote when posting the art, directed towards a close friend of his, 1st Born, who I have talked to on and off before.
I’ve grown out of exclusively listening to hip-hop, but Proof is always going to be one of my favorite musical artists. My favorite part of hip-hop is the poetic aspect. Even though Proof could write the best disstrack you have ever heard and ruin a career (example being Ja in a Bra), what I love about him is that he wasn’t afraid to be voulnerable, or to share his insecurities. Because of that, he was more relatable to me than most other artists. Proof proved that there’s nothing wrong with being who you are, and being open about your struggles. And look, I love hip-hop, but there are plenty of rappers who make it look like the only way to succeed is to show no emotion. That’s what I love about Proof. He shows the cracks in his armor and lets you in. Hell, Proof’s song “Kurt Kobain” (most likely my favorite song) arguably saved my life back when I was 14 and struggling with… Well, being 14. Proof could’ve easily been huge. He could’ve put any of his solo albums on Interscope or Shady Records, but he chose to stay in Detroit and start his own record label (Iron Fist) to help bring up his fellow Detroit rappers. I guarantee if Proof wasn’t shot by some dipshit in a nightclub, Iron Fist would’ve been huge. I love Eminem, he’s tied with Tupac for my 2nd favorite rapper, but it sucks that most people only think of Proof when revolving around him. I get that Eminem is the world’s best selling rapper, and how much it crushed him after Proof was shot (you don’t get over losing your best friend), but Proof had an identity of his own. The dude was the mayor of Detroit’s hip-hop scene for a reason. By the way, D12 isn’t Eminem’s group. Proof was the founder. I’m still glad that Kuniva, Swifty, Eminem, Mr. Porter, and Bizarre are still going strong. Proof taught me the value of freedom. I followed his philosophy when he said the “#1 rule of life is to stay free.” I’ll keep following it until the day I die. Proof, you’re missed to hell and back, but you’re never going to be forgotten.
Gah, I've only just now realized how screwed up his right arm is. It's too skinny and at a weird angle. Either way, I think this over all turned out well. There's a bunch of small flaws with it (like how big the right Proof's eye is), but it's fine. I still think it looks good.
what inspired your art style?
Don’t know when this was sent, so sorry if this took so long.
In terms of my manga style, the main inspirations were Eiichiro Oda (One Piece) and Yusuke Murata (One Punch Man). I enjoy Oda due to how expressive his art is and how unique the character designs are, and Murata just has such phenomenal art (it’s not something I can really explain, just look at it!).
For my comics, that’s a bit harder. Some people think my style was inspired by TheOdd1sOut, but that’s not true. I had been using this style and slowly growing it way before I discovered him. I haven’t actually seen his content in years now that I think about it... If I just wanted to use a simplistic style, as simplistic styles I think go underappreciated. The simpler something is, the easier it is to emphasize with it. Take Kirby for instance. He’s literally just a pink circle, but people (including me) think he’s adorable.
Right VS Left
The big difference between the right and left are values. The right values the economy above all else, while the left values the living conditions of the average American. It’s probably the main reason why the two can’t understand where the other is coming from.
This leads to good and bad things. The right cares way more about the destruction of buildings than lives, but the left wants to fund expensive things without knowing how to do so. Both are important, but I personally care more about the living conditions and minimum wages.
Take covid for instance: The left is way more upset about the death toll and how people of the lower class are affected more, while the right cares way more about how the economy has crumbled due to us shutting everything down out of safety.
There’s also the issue of the right wanting to take America back to a time that never existed, while the left wants America to be a different country entirely. It makes it so neither of these groups know what America truly is. Then again, what even if America at this point?
This came from discussions with my friend. He’s a moderate (if not ever so leaning right) while I’m basically a socialist, so it was interesting hearing how how different values constructed our arguments. Do I agree with him on things? No, but I see where he comes from now. It helps that he’s also pretty pragmatic and not a douche.
So one of my classes at Cornell is having me post two things a week on Tumblr. I will be doing so at @zacscandura. I’ll reblog the cooler things I post on that account.
#50 Speed Art is live in half an hour! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EootteaV4po
#50 Climb (Finale)
Make your own interpretation.
Thank you all so much for all the support over the years. It means the world. I go more in depth about my thoughts of this comic in the speed art video Link: [NOT UPLOADED YET COME BACK BY MIDNIGHT OR TOMORROW MORNING] It's a long video, but I hope you all still watch it. Anyways, once again, thank you all for everything and I hope to see you all for my future projects.
Final comic and speed art video out tomorrow!
#49 Friend
This comic is a sequel to the previous one (#48 Insult). Each social media website I will post and talk about my feelings of gratefulness towards a different group of people. On Twitter, it was my friends. On Facebook, it was my family. (I'm exhausted from writing so much for both.) On the main website for posting comics (Deviantart), it is my fans. I’ve copied the Deviantart description to Tumblr. I will say that Tumblr was once the main place for my comics. Even though the website is slowly becoming a ghost town (because adult art is no longer acceptable which is kind of awful, since it’s still art!), I do still have a bit of fondness for this website. Since I only have a couple of "fans" it feels more like I have a group of friends than anything else. If I did this for popularity, I wouldn't have been making comics throughout my time in High School. Thank you all so much for this journey. I know there are a bunch of missed opportunities. I didn't show more of my flaws in my comics, I didn't show a real progression in terms of me growing up, but what I did do was to try and make something. I believe that something was worth it. Callie, Watermelon Dude, Haiqq, and everyone else I hope I made the long waits between comics worth it for you. You guys are something special. The big 50 will be here soon! And looking back at my idea, it's a lot less ambitious than this comic, unfortunately. Then again, this was by far the most ambitious comic yet with 12 people in one giant panel. Either way, I hope you all enjoy it whenever I get around to making it. To all those who either found something to laugh at or make a connection with, thank you so much for everything. It means a lot.
Bonus #2 College Applications
As stated in the comic, I've been applying to colleges all month. I've been working too much on my portfolio and the actual application process to actually do a real comic. The reason I'm calling this a bonus comic is because 1. I literally didn't have time to even do a background and 2. I didn't wanna waste comic #49 on this, since I have a plan for 49 and 50 as a continuation of my "#48 Insult" comic. I'm gonna be completely honest... I found this comic funnier than I should have. I was kind of giggling whenever I got a new idea for the comic. I also thought it would be funny if the four most supportive friends I have were the ones that said these things in the comic (Bee, Morgan, Jack, and Colton). Part of the joke here is that I get a lot of random nitpicks from people who enjoy laughing at my art. That's fine and all, and you're free to say what you want (It does make me a bit more insecure than I let on. Then again, the fact that they spend the time to shit on what I make means they're pretty insecure as well). So yeah, the follow up comics to #48 will be in the next 2 months. I wanna get them both done in January, but they're both 6-8 panels (so the standard length for one of my comics), and it's been a really busy year for me (thanks senior high school!). Thanks for all the support this year/decade, and I hope to see you all in the 2020s! I wish you guys a wonderful decade!
(By the way, for those wondering, bonus comic #1 was that crappy Jaiden Animations thesaurus comic I did back when I was a fan of her videos... Not to say her videos aren’t good now, I just grew out of them personally.)
#48 Insult God, this was a comic that took way too long to make. It unfortunately doesn't even look that good due to me trying to differentiate the text. I'm sorry. WARNING! LONG AND DETAILED EXPLANATION ABOUT A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT! I'm obviously not going to say who this person is, but got this event was a mess. They aren't someone that has been in any of my comics, so there's little to no chance any of you will find out... Hopefully. Even if you do find out who they are, please do not berate them or give them any kind of shit. This comic is a very surface level version of the event that took place. Not as surface level as most people who know about it think though. To most people, what happened was that I insulted someone for no reason and that I got kicked out of the friend group. That's the most bare bones way of looking at this story. The reality is that after a culmination of me being annoying, instead of stating how they felt, this person decided to be very aggressive towards me. After a culmination of that, instead of stating how I felt, I insulted the person (With a very awful comeback. This isn't word for word it, I tried to make it a slightly better insult to actually make some sort of impact). Obviously, this is not what I should have done and I let my emotions get the better of me. However, after trying to message them and apologize after getting kicked out of the group, I was given 8 paragraphs about why I am a horrible person. Every little issue wrong with me, every action I had ever done, it was in there. The 8 paragraphs are something I was not and still am not physically able to read as a whole. I probably missed some things, but everything in there was a direct quote from this. There were some more personal things in there that I probably won't share because it wouldn't make much sense in the comic (also I already made something that I really should have used more than 8 panels for, but I really didn't have enough time to do this comic either). I do remember them trying to justify their insulting though in the paragraph. I don't remember the exact wording, but there's literally zero justification for writing, again, 8 paragraphs of personal attacks on someone. This isn't to try and go against what I said. What I did was shitty. Immediately after I realized my mistake, but that doesn't make it okay. I can't explain the unnecessary rage that went in me when they said that "nobody cares." I think that's just two words that I've dealt with a lot and hurt me personally more than I should. You can call me a pussy or whatever, I guess that's a surface level explanation. After trying to skim through the 8 paragraphs, I had a panic attack that lasted for a few hours (I don't think I drew that too well, but it was worth the effort). I had no idea who was still my friend or not, and to this day I'm still pretty damn unsure. This event happened in late August, a bit over 3 months now, for context. Since I was studying at the RiSD summer program at the time, I wasn't able to talk to any parents or anything. I think the reason we were able to easily insult each other was because it happened all online. It's easier to say whatever comes to mind when you don't physically see the person it affects. The worst part of it is that "they won." I got punished for what I had said. I got kicked out of the group. I lost friends, and they got to insult me harder than I did them. I got to leave with a panic attack and they got to leave keeping their friends. By the way, the person in the 5th panel I was trying to contact was Bee by the way. I definitely don't blame her for not being there, this happened in the middle of the night and I don't blame her for being asleep obviously. She was still there for me the next day, and hell she's the one I would talk to whenever it would invade my mind again. My friend Sean was there that day though. He was able to help talk me through the situation and calm me down. I can't express how thankful I am to these two. If I could really summarize this event, it would be that it was two immature people decided to start a fight. It ended in blind rage and a panic attack. It was unneeded, and I wish one of us just stated our thoughts in a calm and collected manner. We could have still been friends. Hell, even though they hurt me badly, I still care for them somewhat. I know that's weird. I know they wouldn't give a shit if I died most likely, but there are still a large amount of fond memories with them. Hell, talking to them and my other friend David over discord while I was doing art in my dorm for homework was one of the highlights of that summer for me. I think over time, I grew less and less sad about myself and more and more mad about how other people treated the situation. One of my closer friends in the group jumped to conclusions and was the one to make the call to ostracize me from it. God, I'm sorry. Usually I will try to take a story from both sides, but I definitely told more of mine in this. Either way, a lot of good actually came out of this. I think the issue is that they told me stuff I already told myself everyday. Like, obviously at first it was just painful that someone would insult me with this. However, as the months went on I started to realize just how stupid this shit was. I definitely think the idea of "just stop doing that" or "change isn't hard" is still a really stupid idea. If you think change isn't hard then you've never really needed to change yourself. Maybe that means you weren't challenged, I don't know. I don't know the lives of many people who make those statements. Either way though, while not easy, change is a possibility and a necessity. Since that moment 3 months ago, I actually grew up a lot. The vast majority of the things they said about me doesn't apply anymore. I think I'm a bit more mature now, and I'm a lot happier with myself. As much as I'd like to talk to them (since real emotional maturity isn't insulting back, it's trying to understand where someone else is coming from and grow from there), I know that isn't going to happen. For the time being, I'm thankful I was there her as much as angry as I am about this stupid teenage drama (which is funny since she's around 20 now I believe). There's a shitton more that I wanna say, but I've talked about this long enough. I'm almost never going to do something like this again, since I'm tired of doing this shit where I take something someone's done to me or I've done to someone and publicizing it. It will rarely work out well, and it this is the last time I really think it will work as a coping mechanism. Either way, if you read all this, thank you.
#47 Scars
Sorry, usually October is one of the better months for my comics due to Halloween being my favorite holiday, there’s always a trend for Halloween, and Jessica’s birthday, but I’m in my senior year of high school. I’m working on my art portfolio for colleges, creating essays for colleges, asking for letters of recommendation, and just juggling other high school things. I’ve become a big fan of Batman as of this summer, so I decided that tomorrow for Halloween I’m going to dress up as the Joker (Heath Ledger’s Joker specifically, which I have grown an obsession for). Overall, I actually really like how this comic turned out. For something so simple, I just think the colors work well and I’m glad that I was able to make something of this quality in such a time crunch. Anyways, by January I’ll be able to make full length comics. Hopefully this final year of making these will let me go out on a high note.
One Piece: Blackbeard Carried Rocks' Will (Theory)
I think it is pretty safe to say that the Will from Rocks D. Xebec was passed down to Marshall D. Teach.
There are a lot of similarities between the two since Rocks' story was revealed in One Piece Chapter 957. For instance, both became infamous by banning together a ton of strong fighters into one group to take over the world, both have the will of D, and both are the main rivals towards Luffy and Roger (Besides Whitebeard).
There's not much else to say towards this, it just makes the most sense in my eyes. I do think what Whitebeard said to Teachright before he died explains this a bit.
Whitebeard claims that Teach is not the man that Roger is looking for, and he couldn't be! Whitebeard knew that it was obvious that the will of Roger could not be from Teach. And while us fans know that the will of Roger was passed down to Luffy (since he's the main protagonist), in universe nobody truly knows that (besides maybe Silvers Rayleigh and Edward "Whitebeard" Newgate himself). We know that Roger has told Whitebeard about the Will of D, so maybe that gave him some insight on whose will passed down onto who.
Either way, this theory isn't fullproof. Marshall D Teach is 40 years old, while the battle between the Roger and Garp against Rocks (where he supposedly died) happened 38 years ago. We don't quite know how the Will of D works in terms of the wills being passed down (it could work like the Tibetan reicarnation where the will can be passed down to a young child, not just those who are born after one passes away) however, so it is possible that this theory could still be true.
Personally though, I still believe my theory, both are just too similar. If the age difference is an issue however, it can be also possible that Teach is Rocks' son as well. If Rocks was Roger's biggest Rival (again, besides Whitebeard), and Teach is Luffy's biggest Rival (Besides maybe Smoker and potentially Kidd), then that has to mean something between the two.
One more thing, it appears as if Blackbeard’s ship was named after Rocks as it is called the “Saber of Xebec”