It Was (Not) My Fault

[itwas-not-myfault]

T: Would she happy if we all left you?

Him: Yes, but I wouldn't.

T: Would you leave if she asked you to?

Him: No.

Him: Not again.

[itwas-not-myfault]

Her: Please don't get me wrong and think that I'm blaming you. You did some things that broke me, I did some things that broke me and my family and friends did things that broke me. It isn't just you and me.

[itwas-not-myfault]

Her: Hey... I have so much to say right now and I hope that I don't forget anything... I'm sorry for yesterday. I broke down and I shouldn't let you "see" it. It just became too much. I lost faith in myself. I have the feeling that everything I do or say is wrong. That I break everything. Why do you drink? When do you drink? And where do you get the alcohol from??? You are 15! And you started because of me! Of course that breaks me. I'm such a horrible girlfriend. I love you, but I hurt you too. I just... I don't want to be like this, but... Idk... Like I said yesterday, I've the feeling like I don't have you anywhere... I want you... But I'm doing everything wrong... I'm a total dissapointment. I love you so much. I'm sorry that I'm so horrible. I mean, everyone says that I'm horrible so I have to be it... I think that I lost a great big part of myself when you broke up.. I just.. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to lose you and I don't want to break up with you. I want that you stay for me... That we come together, officially... After the whole time I just need some prove from time to time. I hope you can at least understand me a bit. I'm sorry that I'm so weird... I love you. I just really love you. Sorry

[itwas-not-myfault]

Her: and i hope that we can write when you're back home. There are a few things that I want to tell you and I still have some questions. I'll try my best not to freak out again.

Her: I promise

Her: I'll try to explain to you why this all hits me so hard. I hope that you might understand me a bit.

Her: I really stopped my whole life for you. I just was online, waiting for you and you were the centrum of my life. I wanted to be yours too, that's why I became so protective... I know that this wasn't healthy, especially for us, but... I can't quite explain why I became that...

Her: I regret it. I really do, because I ruined us with it.

Her: I haven't slept since friday, that's mainly the reason why I freaked out yesterday, the other reason was your "She doesn't makes you feel like you’re trash that’s been stamped in the mud"...

Her: I never wanted to hurt you. Never. I know that there's so much stuff going around in your life and you didn't need me to make you feel even worse.

Her: I didn't realize it, as weird as it sounds. I couldn't stop.

Her: It hurts me way more, because I saw you as my best friend too. I told you everything, nearly everything, but more than I told anyone. And because of this break up I didn't only lose my boyfriend, I lost my best friend too.

Her: A part of me still wants you back. This part will always want to have you back.

Her: I miss you. I miss talking to you.

Her: I miss hearing what's going on in your life. I don't like it that they know everything now and I don't. I really miss you. I know you might don't even want to talk to me for a while.

Her: I'm sorry.

Her: I'd like to know if you miss me too? How you are at the moment? What's going on at home?

Her: And most importantly if you think if we both can try it again, of course not right now, but maybe after a few month. When you calmed down and when you moved and when your life isn't so hectic anymore and when I started my life again. I'm meeting my friends more now and I try to go out more often. Do you think we even /could/ try it then again?

Her: Do you still have feelings for me? Do you miss our friendship?

Her: We probably won't talk that much in the next days, but ... I don't know.. I'm sorry for rambling so much..

Her: I'm sorry that I was such a horrible girlfriend.

Her: I love you and I wish you just the best. I really do.

Her: Please talk to me. You deserve this apology. Please.

Her: I'll go offline from chat. Please write me here. Yesterday I just wanted to call you, because I wanted to apologize. Please, I don't want to lose my best friend... Please write to me..

Her: If you don't want to talk, then it's alright, but please just give me a sign that you are alive.. I'm so worried about you right now. I can't concentrate... I miss you. I care for you. Very much. Please just give me a sign or say that you don't want to talk now. I.. Please.

Her: You won... I'll leave you alone. I got it now. I thought we could at least save our friendship but... I was stupid to believe that. You have good friends who are there when you need them. You never needed me. It is alright. I mean, I told you before that I won't survive this year... Well, I won't write you anymore. I apologize for being such a horrible person. We should have never met... I'm sorry. I didn't want all of this. I'm sorry.

Him: I want to try again in a few months. I wasn't online because I wasn't at home. I miss you...so much, I really fucking do. I...can you ring me, later? I want to talk too...

[itwas-not-myfault]

Her: It's so great to know how much I mean to you... I thought you'd actually think about what just happened now but...

Her: Thank you for hurting me so much. I'm sitting here crying again.

Her: I'm sorry. I just freaked out. I actually had a right to do that. I'm sorry.

Her: Please. Let me call you. I won't cry, I won't be angry. I want to apologize.

Her: apologize… I freaked out and… I love you and you hurt me… It will take a while to heal. I just hope that one day I’ll be able to be friends with you again. But for now I am the one who needs some space. I still hope that I can call you tomorrow. I need to talk to you. Maybe I’ll cry, maybe not. You have to live with it then. But I really need that call. Maybe it’s the last thing that can save us. Our friendship. It’s just not personal via internet and I am not able to lose you fully, whatever happened…

[itwas-not-myfault]

Him: I'm sorry...really...sometimes I just can't cope, and I run...I'm a coward, truly...

Her: You are.. A manipulative coward.

[itwas-not-myfault]

Her: You don't even need to worry about replies. I think we said everything we had to say for today anyway. Keep your breath for the others.

Him: You really /do/ hate the fact I talk to other people, don't you? It really annoys you.

Her: I hate the fact that you CAN talk with them, but NOT with me, yes! Whatever, I just have to accept the fact, that we'll never really talk with eachother.

[itwas-not-myfault]

Him: Just...you know, just been told to talk, and now told not to.

Her: Do what you want to do, not what i say.

Him: Okay...

Her: I won't tell you anything anymore. You will be how you want to be and you will do what you want to do.

Him: And that will make you unhappy..

Her: I have to live with it.

Him; That's selfish of me.

[itwas-not-myfault]

Him: T hates me now too...

Her: Why?

Him: Cause K's crying her eyes out, and its my fault. be back later, phone is dead.

Her: It is MY fault. And HERS. Not yours. She could have apologized, then I might have let you go, but she didn't. She never will. I'm not jealous, I don't think that there will ever be something between you two that's more than friendship, but I'm just too fucking hurt by her.

Her: That's it, I've enough of it. Take her back. Take her back and have fun. Really, have fun. Everyone hates me now and I can't bear it. Do what you want to do. I know you hate me for this step, but that's why i say that you should take her back.

Her: You fucked it up again. You copied stuff of our talk and showed it to T? You promised not to do it again! To anyone! Take K back, be friends with her again, I mean it. I don't mind it anymore.

Her: Forget what I said, forget everything. Talk to her again, write with her, play with her and have fun. Really, have fun. You can show T what you want and you can do what you want. And forget what I told you about talking. It doesn't work. It was bullshit. Like everything.

[itwas-not-myfault]

Him: I'm trying to ask, as calmly and politely as I can, if I must choose at all.

Her: You already made your decision.

Him: No, I haven't. If you say, right here, right now that I do have to choose, then I shall, and I'll choose you.

Her: You won't.

Him: I'm cutting her off. Right now.

Her: No.. I.. No, she's your friend. You were right.

Him: You're the person I love. Too late, anyway.

Her: Too late? What do you mean with this?

Him: I've already said goodbye.

Her: ...i'm sorry... I ruin your life. I'm really sorry.

[itwas-not-myfault]

Her: What did you tell her? Despite the fact that this, what I feared exactly happens now...

Him: I told her that I wanted to talk to you about it, but that it was better not to talk to her than having you crying and feeling suicidal, and thinking of leaving me.

Her: What did she say?

Him: She said that she'd miss me, that I was like a little brother to her, that she'd be lonely.

Her: Bitch.

[itwas-not-myfault]

Her: Seems like it's over then. You don't even fight for us... You'll find someone better. Have fun with K and the others.

Him: I'm not gonna fight for something that hurts you this much. I'm not gonna force you to stay when I cause you such pain. There's no one better to find, no reason for me to carry on, but I want you happy and I want you safe. You are my priority.

Her: She's the one who causes me pain. You disappoint me because you don't fight for me.

Him: There is nothing I can say or do, that I know of, to change our situation. I love you. I really do, more than anyone I've ever known. I stuck through the past month because I refused to leave you alone. I said nothing to offend you or annoy you, not on purpose, because it hurts when you dislike me. I wish I was good enough, that I didn't hurt you and that I was the perfect boyfriend you deserve. But I'm really not. Really, really, you deserve better than me. And perhaps now you'll find that person. I wish you luck,, if this decision is to be final.

[itwas-not-myfault]

Her: It's true. I see no reason anymore. People can swear at me and you don't care, no, you still stay friends with them as nothing happened. You'll laugh with her after she said all these hurtful things to me and you'll talk with her and i'll feel leftout and hurted all the time, because my boyfriend rather talks with other people about our problems and doesn't defend me, because he secretly agrees with her. I should have never give you my heart, because you've no, absolutely no idea how much it hurts and bleeds. I'm crying and shaking and i can't stop. But still, despite everything. Despite the pain, i don't want to loose you...

Him: Then what do you want to do?

Her: I know that you won't stop talking to her. I've to decide now if it's really over with us.. Even when i love you and when i always defended us against my friends and my family. I just can't bear it any longer.. Not after what she said.

Him: And...and what's your decision...?

Her: It doesn't look good for us.

[itwas-not-myfault]

Her: Why do i even bother...

Him: ...with?

Her: Talking to you. You just answer with one word anyway and it always looks like you don't even care.

Him: Of course I care, deeply, but there's very little I can say on the subject.

Her: There's actually alot that you could say and do.

Him: Oh yes?

Her: Yes.

Him: Well, at least now I could there are some things I could say and do. It would be wonderful if I knew /what/.

Her: Yeah, shame that you don't. Should i write the exact words down for you? Then i can talk and write all to myself anyway.

Him: Well, if you'd prefer that to me being incompetent enough not to know, certainly.

[itwas-not-myfault]

Her: You know, before i met you all, i was living in my own world and i was quite happy there.

[itwas-not-myfault]

Her: Why do you have to be like this? I..

Him: I just don't want to lose you.

Her: Why? Why for god's sake do you want to keep /me/? What do you see in me what I can't?

Him: Brilliance.

[itwas-not-myfault]

Her: I'm sorry. I can't think straight. There are so many people who think that we don't work and maybe they're right.. I love you. I really do.

Him: Then why leave?

Her: Because it'd be the right decision.

Him: It hurts.

Her: Yes it does.

Him: More than anything has ever hurt me.

Her: Please don't do anything to yourself.

Him: Doesn't matter if I do.

Her: It does. I'm not worth it.

Him: YOU'RE WORTH EVERYTHING. Any pain I feel, any tears, you are worth everything I can give you. And all the things I can't, all the brilliant, fantastic, wonderful things I cannot give you, that you should have.