in between the silences

[metamorphesque]

― Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Idiot

[ivory-decayy]

.

[hikkychin]

[ivory-decayy]

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[ivory-decayy]

***

You’ve always dreamt big. You wanted to prove all that people who laughed at you that you’ll succeed in live and that one day you will be the one laughing. I guess that was what motivated you the most. The thought of proving them wrong. Well, I have never considered others in my dreams. Not even once. Not anyone. It was always just me, creating my own word from scratch somewhere far away from here. But what we both had in common is that for us that dream was all that kept us from falling apart. I have dreamt of starting my life again, being given one more chance to find myself. I didn’t want to be rich, loved by many or famous. I just wanted not to feel so sad. Sometimes though I have dreamt of nothing. I wanted to turn into nothing, to be nothing. You knew and never let me. I hated you then, but now I think I also loved you for that. I keep thinking of it often these days.

It’s dark and empty here and I feel like I’m becoming dark and empty too. I let it be, cause it’s late and I’m very tired. I wish I had you by my side now, so you could help me dream in colors.

*

Tomorrow comes again and gets dark Me that's like this, you that's like that Well, we're just enduring another day

[ivory-decayy]

https://youtu.be/nEX-9exMc1A

[meanwhilebackinthedungeon]

old tower

[ivory-decayy]

burn it

Lately I can write only when I’m drunk. This is the only moment when I allow myself to feel deeply and to face my emotions. And god, I feel so much. I feel like crying, I want to cry so hard there wouldn’t be any tears left in my eyes, so hard I would choke on my violent sobs, so I would just throw everything out like an unfresh meal. Bt the tears won’t come. Why in hell they don’t want to come?! I throw empty silent sobs and I feel my head throbbing – from the alcohol or from crying -  I don’t know.

I want to start again. Tabula rasa. To start from nothing. To erase every unpleasant memory, every moment when I felt bad about myself, felt inferior, when I wanted to smash the mirror and turn my reflection into one million sharp pieces and jump into them and feel nothing, nothing at all since it doesn’t hurt anymore. Why doesn’t it hurt when I want it to? I cut and cut and cut and bleed but it feels so numb and nothing comes and nothing goes, it just all stays the same and god I just want to feel something, anything, even pain.  I want it to hurt when I cut so I can forget for one, just one short moment that it hurts so much more inside

I want to burn, burn myself and this room, this whole building . I want to burn this fucking world to the ashes and start again. I just want to start over and write my own life and forget about this one, this life that hurts so much.

My feelings are like fire, they won’t stop burning and they consume me, an arson, and I want to burn, I want to burn with them. I want my hair to burn, my eyes to burn, my heart to burn, flesh turning black . And I want it to hurt.

Why can I feel only when I’m drunk?

I want to change it, change it all, so let’s set fire to myself

and burn.

*

Let's burn it, my past self It would burn again to the deepest pits below, to the very last Set fire to it, more fire to it, wonder what will remain thereafter I don't know I don't know, after it's all burnt We don't know if there'd be ashes left, or will it remain the same

***

[ivory-decayy]

pallor mortis

when I die

my body stiffens

postmortem black spots on my hands

face sickly pale

mouth sawn

embalming fluids in my veins

all holes stuffed safely with cotton wool

so nothing would come out

I will look nice

prettier than alive even!

 *

so when I am dead

and rotting from the inside

will you eat me, my dear?

[ivory-decayy]

insomnia

I can’t sleep. My insomnia is getting on me more and more lately. And now when the nights are no longer for sleep I just lie on my bed looking out of the window and think. Think about many things but mostly about you. But it doesn’t feel romantic at all, actually it feels very lonely.

The walls and the ceiling are somewhat getting bigger and I am so small lying in the middle. I feel old and tired. There are so many things I wanted to do but on the nights like this one I think that it is already too late and that there is nothing happy or exciting waiting for me in the future. And it’s hard without you. If I could hear you laugh or feel your breath on my skin, I think it all wouldn’t matter even if just for a moment.

I want to talk to you. Tell you all about it. I feel so much and I want to put it on paper but words just don’t come and it feels so awful, cause I have nothing else to offer. What more can I give you than my words? But they are stuck somewhere in me and I feel like one day I will burst and I won’t be able to stop them from flowing. They will fill every crack, every empty space in this huge empty room with me in the middle and I will choke on them and drown and die.

In the night everything seems different and they somehow make you feel harder. If I could just tell you all about this.

*

I have so many things

I couldn’t do

I close my eyes and count the stars,

I still can’t sleep

Why are you still here

 I’m left alone, time goes by, time goes by

I can’t stop thinking about you

Even if it’s a nightmare or a dream,

I want to see you

***

[antigonick]

“My roots go down to the depths of the world, through earth dry with brick, and damp earth, through veins of lead and silver. I am all fibre. All tremors shake me, and the weight of the earth is pressed to my ribs.”

— Virginia Woolf, The Waves

[ivory-decayy]

the Major

The night was hot and muggy. Not even the thinnest blades of grass were twitching since the air was as still and unmoving as a corpse. The red moon was shining brightly on the dust covered land and silent cries of night animals could be heard in the distance.

He was walking soundlessly through the desert,  leaving no trace of his presence anywhere behind. No need of a horse cause he knew that his own two legs were fastest than that of any animal. Alone on the vast land he felt no fear since for him there was not any danger in here. In fact he was the most dangerous creature out there.

Then he heard something. A slight movement from far away. Someone was reckless enough to make his presence known.  In no time he started running in the direction he registered the sound and was there in no time but that person was already gone. Not for long though. The fugitive didn’t stand any chance compared to speed and strength of the hunter. He let him run a little longer to give him a sense of false hope and then-

A loud thump and a sound of something cracking. And that was all. It all happened in a split of seconds. Too fast and hectic for a human eye to register. At the feet of the Major lied a headless body, porcelain-like, smashed into pieces. A small derisive smile adorned his beautiful features for a while. He lighted a match and threw it at the dismembered body, the cadaver catching fire in no time. But he already was too far away to see it burn, haunting for another victim, moonlight shining lightly in his golden locks.

*

I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

And I fear no evil because I'm blind to it all

And my mind and my gun they comfort me

Because I know I'll kill my enemies when they come

And I will dwell on this earth forever more

But I can't walk on the path of the right because I'm wrong

***

[ivory-decayy]

journey

2:47 p.m.

A short winter day is about to end and it’s already getting dark. I shiver as my bare feet touch the cold floor. I must have kicked out my socks while sleeping. On my way to the kitchen I open the bedroom window. It’s noisy from the street outside, the freezing air of January slowly getting in. I head downstairs, fill my glass with water and grab a cigarette, slowly sitting down as I light it. I close my eyes as the itchy smoke fills my lungs. My head is pounding from the long hours of sleep. But it just feel so tiring. Not sleeping. Lately it’s everything I do. I haven’t been outside for a couple of weeks now, I think.

I left my glasses upstairs and everything seems blurry. Or maybe it’s just sleep or meds, I don’t know. Maybe when this long winter ends, it will get better somehow. I wish it would get better, so the things that used to bring me joy would make me happy again. Maybe I’m just getting old and that’s why everything seem so faded.

There’s so many things to worry about. My sick leave, that’s getting longer and longer, the amount of work I will have to do when I get back, no money to pay for the bills, the mess my house had become in the last months... Instead I just choose to worry about the plants on my windowsill dying from not being watered properly and that I probably won’t water them anyways.

It’s been 24 years since I begun this journey, yet I haven’t gone very far. Sometimes I think that I am just running in circles and tripping on the same stone over and over again. I took off but where is the destination? It got lost somewhere along the way, or maybe it wasn’t even set at all. Walking out of the well known path seems scary. Where will I end up? I don’t know.

The cigarette in my hand is long forgotten. I smile to myself as the tiles under my feet are getting colder and colder.

*

My noisy life went the wrong way I will always be on journey

Maybe my age is eating up my happiness That’s why there’s only unhappiness left in my life There’s always a start and an end to a journey I took off but why isn’t there a place to land?

***

[ivory-decayy]

28

Some says that in the night the city lights viewed from above look like a starry sky. It’s not true. They’re just lights and it’s so noisy.

We’re sitting on the windowsill of my apartment with a few empty bottles of beer at our feet. The lights inside are off and we’re looking at the neons in the street. Comfortable silence surrounding us.

What is it that keeps us going? I guess now neither of us could really answer to this question. Our lives became dull and monotonous. So different from what we believed they would be by now. The vivid dreams got lost somewhere along the way. Where we wanted to be. What we wanted to do. Who we wanted to be loved by. It’s all meaningless now. We are here and that’s all. And I don’t think I have any spare dreams left to lose.

“So this is how it feels to become an adult, huh?” silent laughter erupts from your lungs. Nothing really changes. We are still the same people, only more shaped by time. And just sometimes we burst into tears for no reason. That’s it.

Some says that in the night the city lights viewed from above look like a starry sky. It’s not true. They’re just lights and it’s getting cold. We have to close the window soon.

*

Guess I'm slowly becoming an adult I can't remember What was it that I wanted? Now I'm scared Where have the fragments of my dream gone? I am breathing but Seems like my heart is broken Yeah, now I've become an adult who finds it hard to grasp my dream And that's growing up

***

[ivory-decayy]

Happy pride month my friends. With all of this crazy stuff going on, especially in America right now, please stay safe and be proud of who You are. Embrace your sexuality.

[ivory-decayy]

“Let them ring to the heavens! The dying screams!”

[ivory-decayy]

we stand together ✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿