not your cup of tea

[ivymadx]

after almost 3 years, hi im back (:

[ivymadx]

I think it’s time to go back to tumblr journaling? Yes? :)

I didn’t know until now that it’s already been 4 years since I made this reserved tumblr blog. Wow. Time flew really fast.

[ivymadx]

i’m not that happy anymore

[ivymadx]

Please tell me if you’re lying to me, please.

I need to protect my heart at all costs. I’m tired with all your lame excuses. If you want it, you will do everything in order to get something, am I right? You’ve done it for a million times already, but when it comes to me, why are there always excuses????????

[ivymadx]

I’ve been thinking

I’ve met so many new people lately; since college up until today.

Some have the same personality that I have, some do not. Nevertheless, I’m grateful to have met so many beautiful people in my life. Life is too short to confine yourself in a box. There’s nothing wrong with exploring the world. You were born to do so. In my case, I’m always hungry for new adventures and when it comes to meeting new people — I’m very open to meet different faces, different personalities, different likes & dislikes, different interests & hobbies.

Everyday I learn from different people, everyday I’m able to listen to different stories; that’s why everyday I get to learn something new. And I’m thankful for that. I’m glad that I was born to be the kind of person that I am today, and of course.. who I am today was also because of the past experiences and obstacles that I’ve encountered.

Everyday may not be good, but there is always something to look forward to each day.

[ivymadx]

It doesn’t feel like home anymore.

I hate to say this but I hate seeing you already. You are a liar. It is in your system now. You’re an addict, not in drugs, but you’re a casino addict. I’m sure you’ve already sold our car now.

I hate you. I really do.

I don’t believe in eveything that you say anymore. Yes, I’m still studying medicine. But I know that you’re still giving me money because you know that I will give you some in the future. Well that future is still far, are you aware of that?

Again, I hate you. You’re a liar!!! I hate you so much.

I’m not a kid anymore. I understand things way beyond your expectations. When you’re not around? I know where we could find you, in the casino. Spending thousands of money.

When my friends ask me why am I not going home in Parañaque, I just tell them that you guys are the ones going here in Manila. Little did they know, that whether or not you’re going here or not, I will still choose not to go home or visit Parañaque, because I don’t like seeing you. I will just go there when my high school friends ask me to, or when there is a special occassion my friend has like birthdays.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I hate you, really.

[ivymadx]

There will be those people who will always judge and doubt your capabilities, no matter what. Just let them. They’re the ones who will get tired anyway. When they say something about you, just ignore them, always! 

Haters love it when you pay attention to them, especially when they know that you’re noticing their “efforts” to make you mad or insecure about yourself. Let other people judge at how arrogant they are. Stay humble, stay low-key. Don’t mind them, just mind your own business. 

Always excel, no matter what. Even though that there are people who are continuously doubting on you, let them. And prove them wrong someday. 

[ivymadx]

Some social media cleanse

So it’s my third day of social media cleanse -- so far, so good!! 

Disclaimer: it’s not really a 100% cleanse, but it’s just that I cut down on all the scrolling and liking. Tried deleting my social media apps such as twitter and instagram. I also tried deleting facebook and messenger, but after 24 hours, I had to download them again for school announcement purposes only (don’t judge!!)

I am fully aware that social media really did take most of my free and productive time at home and even at school, or even during my study hours -- these apps really did take away my time that must’ve been put to other good use such as advance studying or reading a non-academic book or just enjoying nature or the city (if I’m in Manila lol). I am also aware that these things are also the cause of my not-so-good grades. Well, I did not fail any of my subjects yes, but my grades are soooo mediocre!! Fuck, I hate looking at them because I SHOULD’VE DONE BETTER!!! I SWEAR!!! My first year in med school was just full of procrastinating and panicking. And if not for these apps, my grades may be rocket high! But no, I chose looking at my cellphone screen instead of my handouts.

Well, it’s not yet late to start a new life, I guess? 

[ivymadx]

So tired of this toxic bullshit.

[ivymadx]

Stop checking out on other people’s profiles if you’re not ready to face the feeling of hate once you see their tweets/posts about you being the “bad guy” again just because you’ve pointed out the wrong things they’ve done. Just ignore all the hate that they’re throwing at you. Soon, they will get tired. 

Just always remember to focus on yourself. Improve all the weak spots of your personality, learn to strengthen them and use them to your advantage. You can’t control other people’s personalities if they don’t want to change for the better. Just let them be. 

You’ve done your part already. And that you’ve constantly reminded yourself that you need to remove these toxic people away from your life. Yes, you may see them everyday because you’re classmates. But who cares? They’re not the only people in this world. 

[ivymadx]

Let go

Always learn how to let go of the things you cannot handle. People have their own ways of dealing with everything -- some may be bad, some may be good. But always remember this honey, always be the bigger person.

Yes, some people may say harsh things about you even though you’re just there in the corner and not telling nor doing anything. Let them. They’re just making more ways that would cause other people to hate them more. 

It’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself. Just ignore these types of toxic people, for they’re not worth it; they will never be worth it.

They may make stories about you, or turn you into the bad guy. Well, it’s their “side” tho, we can’t control what they’re telling to other people. Just let them. You’ve done enough already. You’ve wasted so much time defending yourself and the oppressed. You’ve done your part.

Now, it’s time for them to do theirs.

[ivymadx]

It just helps when you cry, always.

The other night, I was crying my eyes out. I was feeling a rollercoaster of emotions. Mad at my former friends, mad at other people who kept on asking me endless questions about a certain issue, disappointed, heartbroken, and many more. I was hurt, so hurt.

But today, was so different. I learned how to let go of the things that are beyond my control. When I was about to stalk my former friends just to check if they’re sub-tweeting me again, I decided not to search their names. Why? Well, it’s just a waste of time anyway. What more can I do and offer? It’s their immaturity that’s blocking their logic and conscience. Some people still hate them tho, and it’s not my problem anymore, it’s theirs. They’re the ones who are already digging their graves anyway. Ain’t my problem!

I decided not to care anymore. And I’ve learned how to stop caring what others will think, especially them. If they hate me, fine! I still have a ton of friends and best friends who are supporting me 100% in everything that I do -- friends who will always uplift me when I’m down and not highlight my insecurities and vulnerabilities. 

[ivymadx]

Let us be like this crayon, non-toxic. 

Removing toxic people from your life will make life a lot more easier. Toxic people will just drag you down, including your self-esteem and self-confidence. They will make themselves superior, while they make you feast upon your insecurities and vulnerabilities. They will just hear your stories, but not listen to them.  It’s like suicide when you keep on accepting toxic people in your life. There’s more to life outside these toxic people. Cross them out of your life. Don’t worry, it won’t cost you anything. 

[ivymadx]

Some people just don’t learn from their mistakes, eh? 

You just proved to everyone else that you are a huge piece of shit. You don’t deserve everything that you have. I feel so bad for those people blinded by your arrogance and pride. I hate you and your whole existence. 

[ivymadx]

As I was scrolling through my twitter feed, I read this quote saying: 

STOP LETTING YOUR “FRIENDS” TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT JUST BC YOU DONT WANT TO LOSE THEM. FUCK THEM AND GET YOURSELF SOME NEW FRIENDS

This is my mantra after waking up from the fact that I have some friends who are full of pure bs. I have those superficial, petty friends that the only base supporting our “friendship” is only about rants we share with each other about other people who piss us off. Sounds superficial, right? 

Yeap, that’s why I’m ending my friendship with them. If he needs me or will talk to me in a polite way, I will talk to him. But if the only thing that goes out of his mouth are words that degrade me, then bye bitch, u r a piece of shit.

[ivymadx]

Surreal.

[ivymadx]

One last week of actually doing something “school” related, and that is arranging our thesis revisions and doing actual org-related duties before we graduate. Damn, time flies soooo fast. Next next saturday will be our graduation ball, then a couple of days after that, would be our block section’s farewell party that is currently being arranged by three of my friends and yours truly. 

4 years of studying biology is no joke. I’ve lost a lot of tears and sweat during the process. I was able to experience everything that a college student must experience. It’s like you’re in a factory of a certain product - that must undergo mixing, heating, steaming, and confusing rotations in order for you to pass quality control and it is when you’re ready to become an actual product of something.

 I just can’t believe that everything happened so fast. It’s still so surreal. Med school, you’re next.