I do, I do write a lot.

22 A girl with high hopes and low chances

[the-thingswesay-blog]

[boredbubbles]

“No” He said;

“It wouldn’t work with you -

you’re there and.. here I am.”

[iwritealot]

Do you know when I gave up on you? It was the day that I realised how good you were to me before. It was the day I remembered how I made your eyes light up and how I made your heart race before. I want to love, and I want to you to be the one I love but you seem to avoid even the idea of me nowadays. It is okay. I've realised you'll never be the one who gives me what I want. You'll never be the one who makes flower crowns for me from the daisies near the water and you'll never be the one who I can count on. The one I can wake up with every morning and the one who will hug me tight at night. Do you know when I gave up on you? It was the day when I was in front of the house and saw those lavenders that you absolutely adored. Brought back memories, naturally. I remembered the day you picked some out so we could put it in a vase in the house. It was the day before you left. It was the day before I lost you and the thing is, I never thought I'd lose you. I never imagined you not being here anymore and now I have to live with it. I am doing so much better than I thought, so don't be upset over there thinking my heart broke. It did, but you know how they say 'I could hear my heart breaking into pieces", well, it was quiet for me. I felt the pain very sudden, it was sharp as a knife and so quiet. Everything was quiet for a while after you left. I couldn't play music the first day. I remember staring at my phone for hours. I couldn't sleep either. I remember wanting to sleep but I couldn't. It was the burning sensation in my eyes that put me to sleep. Oh how much I've missed you. I've dealt with you being gone, promise. I gave up on you. I am done, I am done with it all and for the first time since months I can honestly say, I am happier without you. That doesn't mean I don't still miss you, because, oh man, every waking moment is spent with me thinking 'if he was here'. I guess I am just better at accepting you're not coming back. Not yet at least.

[iwritealot]

"You've missed the best of me."

[iwritealot]

I wanted you to come back. More than anything. I wanted you to just show up at my door and tell me you missed me. I wanted you to hold my hand again and I wanted you to tell me you loved me. I would not believe you if you said it, but I still wanted to hear those words. I told you secrets nobody knows, nobody. I gave a piece of me to you and you left without giving it back. You left and now every time someone walks by when I'm on the balcony I think it's you. Every time I hear someone whistle outside, I want it you be you. Every breathe I take I wish you were as close to me as before, I wish I was your priority, I wish you loved me and even right now if you asked me to go and see you I would. I would ignore my whole being for you and I would run to catch the next train just to see your eyes one more time. How pathetic is that? I lost myself, all of me, when I let you in. When I told you things I shouldn't have. When I held your hand and when you told me I was beautiful. I lost it all when I first saw you and I can never take that piece of me back, just like the tie you left with me. I will say I lost it when you ask, if you ever ask, but darling I didn't. It's still on my neck every time I go to bed and when I wake up. I still try to smell it to see if it smells like you. It doesn't anymore, but I imagine your eyes when I do that and it helps. I never thought you'd matter this much. I never thought we would live the way we did. I had it all, you. Nice house, money in the bank, good food and the perfect boy. What I didn't know was that I could just give up on all of that just to see you for 1 more second and just to hug you tight one last time. You broke me and I can't even blame you anymore.

[iwritealot]

I tried falling out of love with you today. I told myself that you changed. I told myself that you were not the one I fell for and you were not the one I've met. That you've become someone I can barely recognise even. I told myself I didn't like your eyes and the way you get when you're hungry or how your eyes look so little when you wake up and how you looked at me that one time. I told myself you've changed and there was no piece of the man I knew who once said "If anything I'll just walk to you, it would be worth it". I told myself that the man who couldn't keep his hands to himself and kept kissing me just because left and left a boy in his place who is even too coward to say he never felt anything. You hid behind those excuses and left me feeling like I never even mattered to you. You told me you meant every word you said just seconds after confessing you could love another. It happened. 5 stages of a break up. I wouldn't call what we had a relationship. I saw a quote saying "We were too strangers who just knew each other very well." And darling it fits us perfectly. We never became 'us' or we never looked deep into each other's eyes begging whatever higher power to stop the time. I loved holding your hand though, I have to say. The way your thumb stroked my hand when I held it, how when I said "You need to give me attention" you almost chocked me with kisses and tickles and asked me if it was enough. Stages, I was saying. I started with the initial shock. It was my first stage, it was settled. I was shocked. I could not believe what had just happened, I could not cry, I could not feel sad. I felt numb. I couldn't accept it. I couldn't accept the fact that I was not going to hold your hand anymore. I ignored it. That's what I do. I just ignore the little bumps in the way. I ignored it and tried to sleep, hoping that when I wake up you'll be right next to me, smiling at me, saying 'good morning darlin'.' But no. I woke up to an empty room with the Beatles playing softly on the background. You know I can't sleep without music, but it was as if the universe was mocking me. As I lay there, it played and I listened. "Why she had to go, I don't know, she wouldn't say." It was as if the world was mocking me, I couldn't move my hand to even check my phone or change the goddamn song. It all suddenly made sense, I gained some sort of realisation. You were gone and I was left behind. You did not want me and we were done. You touched me, made me feel, made me trust, made me feel it all and let it all in and left. We were one and then it was me. You came to see me in the middle of the night, without hesitating, and then left. I can't accept it. I want to accept it. I don't want to feel this way anymore and all I can do is wait. I just can't let you go.

[iwritealot]

I thought about dying today. Not like killing myself, just the concept of dying. You're here. Breathing. Feeling every bit of pain and joy life throws at you. You have people enjoying your successes and there are people crying at your pain. And then you're gone one day. You vanish. Didn't sound too strange to me honestly. It is like, you leaving. You're gone but my mind thinks you'll knock on my door any second and say "Hello darlin'." Will you really?

[iwritealot]

And she was sick of talking about her problems. It changed nothing but to make her feel like she was a burden to them all. It changed nothing but to remind herself she was not that strong after all. It did nothing but to show her that it even her family doesn't care, then why would anyone else?

[wnq-writers]

The first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew you were a bad news.

[h.m] (via wnq-writers)

[therelatableimages]

[boredbubbles]

Sometimes I can’t be certain what’s better. what’s good for you or the truth. Because believe me, most of the time, they’re not the same thing. Sometimes what’s good for you is that guy who likes you exactly for who you are. The guy who sends good morning messages and doesn’t go to bed before he knows you’re home. The guy who under any circumstance tells you that he is so lucky that he’s met you. Sometimes that’s what’s good for you. Even though the truth is, you’ve never felt emotion since that other guy left you. You’ve been forcing yourself into guys thinking, faking that maybe there’ll be a spark. Making your brain think that you are, truly, in love. Sometimes the truth is that you still cry yourself to sleep most nights because you miss everything about him. You miss his touch, you miss the way that he smelled, you miss his presence. Sometimes it’s better not to admit that nobody in this world will ever be like him, nobody in this fucking universe will be able to replace him. Sometimes it’s better to ignore the fact that you’re still, to this day, looking for someone who resembles him, who has the same goddamn green eyes and blond hair. You still look for him every time you go near his city, every single fucking second of every day your brain forces flashbacks to you of things that never happened. Like him looking at your eyes, deep, smiling and telling you he is in love with you. Instead, you do what’s good for you and ignore the fact that, when he is kissing your lips, all you want is to start crying in your corner. Sometimes you do what’s good for you and ignore the fact that you are still so goddamn in love with him.

[iwritealot]

And usually, the ones you thought were the best for you are usually the worst. Takes a bit to learn but believe me you learn

[iwritealot]

And you came back today

I’m thinking about you today. I say today, only because you haven’t taken a stroll in my mind for a little while now. It was scary yet enlightening. As if your memories are supposed to teach me a lesson. Teach me not to trust. Teach me to survive alone. Teach me to let go. Forgive me if I sound really weird, you see I’m high a bit. That is the weird part. When I’m high, I don’t think or dream. But now, you are all I can think about. How you broke me. How you make me cry. How you made me insecure. How you gave me relationship anxiety. How every night when I was going to bed, I begged for you to love me. You were my wish. You turned me into a person with trust issues. You are the reason I can’t look in the mirror without seeing something I hate. You made me question MYSELF. How many times you made me feel like trash. How I turned into this person I hate every second of every day only because I was never good enough for you. You made sure that I felt that. You made sure that every morning when I wake up I’d remember that I am nothing next to you and how I will never be loved by you. Thank you for making me hate so many things in life, thank you for making me hate wine, I haven’t taken a sip since I’ve last saw you. Thank you for making me hate the color purple. Thank you for turning me into a person who can never trust anyone, anyone. Thank you for reminding me my place every now and then. I needed that. I needed to feel like the ugly, untalented trash that I was. I gave you hundreds of chances. Hundreds. I never fucking gave up. When you called me at 4 am I still answered the phone hoping it is you. I am so drained out, I am so hopeless now because of you. I’ve learned to act like someone I wasn’t with you. I’ve learned to embrace lying. I’ve learned to fake trust everyone. I’ve learned to tell the hearts that I broke I loved them. Even though I knew love, that word, is purely commercial and a fantasy. People seemed to believe it. So I kept hurting them. Every time one of them begged, I closed my eyes and pictured that it was you. Until I’ve realized that there is someone different out there. There is someone who calls me “why have I only just met you”. I got hurt along the way here I won’t lie. I fell for those who had nothing for me. It must be a reminder of you, because I fell for all the impossible ones. But with broken bones and broken hearts, I’ve made it here. You know what? He is nothing like you and I like it. I like feeling like I’m not somebody’s pet. Yet after all of this, you find the courage to text me and ask me out, after all those years, after all those memories, after all those humiliations, after you turning me into yourself. Do you remember how it ended? It was me who slapped you and said “I can’t deal with you anymore, I am done.” And you came back, after all that, today. Just when I found someone who doesn’t have a piece of you in him. And I, once again, fell for it. I disappointed myself. Or as Alex would say “I cheated myself, like I knew I would.” I let it all destroy me the second I said yes to you. Once again you came back and destroyed me, leaving me to look for a new personality. Who should I be this time? Once again, you’ve managed to fuck me up. Once again I know I should be alone forever. Once again I believed you.

I am done.

[iwritealot]

truth is, you're not the one for me. I've met the one. i know ‘the one’. 

he is nothing like you. he is caring. he is loving. he is protective. he stayed over with me even though we had an argument, i did not need to ask him. he just knew that i needed him there. that moment. he was there for me. he once told me ‘you think people are stupid, they are not.’ he taught me a life lesson. he fucking stayed with me. he was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. the honest truth is, you will NEVER be him. 

and the girl who's with him now, she's a lucky girl. unlike the one who'd be with you. because he would never hurt her. unlike you. 

if i had to choose between him and you.

what do you think i’d choose? 

who do you think would be better for me? 

its a good thing that you are both countries away from me. its a good thing that neither of you will ever be mine again.

[refiningfire]

[twerpo-deactivated20150610]

[iwritealot]

Lately I've been realizing how fucked up we all are. How many times you've been fucked over or how many times you've cried, I don't want to know. It is not a competition. We are all so fucked over and we all have our own demons to confront every time we go to bed, trying to sleep, failing. Every single time. But you know what? There will come a day where we won't try to cover our puffy eyes with a buttload of foundation and highlighter in the morning. There will come a time where we won't try to hold our tears in front of our friends so they won't feel uncomfortable. I don't know when, but that day will come. And I promise I will be there to see that day.