I.

I ramble about the things that are hurting me. Feel free to pass on by.

[iwritemystruggleshere]

Choices

No one is allowed to put me in a box an expect me to be happy with it. Following con, I'm apparently the only person who had no say in what was going to become of me and my position. My opinion was asked for, but not of me, of my boyfriend, who possibly thinking he had an idea what I'd be okay with gave some answer on my behalf that was not an answer I would have given, and gave it without even understanding the alternative he was proposing. It feels like a breach of privacy. And, knowing that he knew something but he thought it wasn't his place to tell, I respected that. Everyone's privacy and opinion was respected but my own. I'm not okay with this. Choices were made for me and then when I naturally had issues with this, it turned into a bigger deal, because I was expected to have been okay with it, and now there are damages I'm not sure I want to undo. It's another relationship broken, that already had so many toxic components it was only a matter of time anyhow. I'm just bitter that in the end it wasn't even up to me.

[iwritemystruggleshere]

In which I wish I could say I feel suicidal because that would be easy, but I'm not. I think.

I had a vision of myself. Once. I was going to grow up to be independent and free spirited and honest about everything. I was going to be happy. I was going to be the person that everyone could come to for comfort because I had endless love and caring inside me, and it would be easy for me to be the person to listen to everyone. I'm not that person. I came close, I think. And it was a little exhausting, because you find you don't stop worrying about them once they're done talking, but seeing people smile again made it okay. But I'm not that person. Not now. Now, if I think the wrong thing, I trap myself in this cycle of rotten wishes over one issue that I simultaneously want to fix it and punch it and run the fuck away and never look back. Now I need all the support, and I feel like I'm draining to be around, because I know how much effort it took me to be support. I was going to be good at everything I did. And I mean, I am. But I have higher standards even than I can live up to right now. Dog walking is a simple job. How do I make so many mistakes in this one simple job, like this shouldn't be happening at all. I know I'm not perfect, but I need to do less of this stupid shit that keeps popping up. Like, I want to apologize to my boss for convincing her to hire me. I'm not an employee that makes this company look good, and like, damn, I think they look pretty good. Or at least know what they want to look like, and that looks good. They are there for their employees, I can see that, and I'm not earning that kind of support. I'm down all the time and there's no way that I can be the uplifting presence I wanted to be. I've lost friends in the past year to the circumstances that be, and it cuts me still to have lost them, even though the logic tells me it's not my fault. I'm not responsible to care for the needs that can't be told to me. But I keep repeating it and it sounds like a hollow justification, like to myself I sound like I could have cared more. Could have cared enough to read his mind and anticipate his mood swings. But logically absolutely not, and I can't convince myself of the logic. I want to run away from this. From everything. All over again. Not like, start somewhere new. I can't truly start from scratch. It's too hard for me. But like. Where's the reset button? An eraser? Something. Anything. So I don't keep facing this because someday I'm gonna lose, and I'm gonna break again and I hate to be this mess that needs so much effort to stay together. I want to be honest about my pain, but I don't want to be a drag. I want to run away, and I don't want to lose. I don't know. I feel so lost.

[iwritemystruggleshere]

An Apology

I met a guy over the summer who deleted every message he'd ever send. He saw old messages as a part of a person that he wasn't anymore. Even after five minutes. I keep all my old messages for that same reason. Because I've changed and it is a part of a person I am not anymore. I like the reminders. I guess he didn't. I gave Him a letter last night that I wrote almost a week ago. It was already outdated as far as who I was and how I felt by the next day. But I couldn't not. I couldn't sit on trying to get out an apology and goodbye so that maybe I could move on. I tried to explain that it was outdated, but I'd be surprised if he understood. These are going to be my last words to him for a long time, possibly forever. For the most part, it said things I think I needed to say. You hurt me, I needed you to care, I was stressed to the point of being incapable of stopping my actions, I care about you but I'm never going to try talking to you again. But I don't think that version had enough apology for where I was last night. I said the apology, but the memory is weak. He won't remember most of it past waking up this morning. I suppose at least I said it? There was a moment, towards the end of the party, where Undertale came up, it was the background on his phone. I had a comment to contribute so he just showed me the picture. It was probably the worst moment because it was the friendly behavior I wanted so bad. But I can't. It could never be what it used to be, and anything he does to show me that will only be a reminder of what I lost. I still hurt so much.

[iwritemystruggleshere]

Projection

I wrote a letter a couple days ago. To him. I think to me it represents some form of closure. I don't think I can ever send it, but writing it helped. I realized the next day that I had said things I maybe hadn't quite seen in myself before. Mostly the fact that during that time, when the stress had been greatest, I hated myself. And I think I couldn't see anything past that. So other people that showed me any kind of dislike, I thought they mist hate me too. Now that I see what I was doing, I've really let go of the anger I had at anyone else, namely Him. And to an extent Her, although she's still not someone I will ever elect to see again. It makes me sad now, because I can see just exactly how my behavior hurt things. and seeing that, I could maybe actually deal with things better. Maybe? I could just be wishing. But now I want to apologize. And talk. And be friends again. I was over it the day before, but now I can see myself getting past the hurt, and I don't think I could ever ask him to try again. I still see that he didn't seem to care about me all that much, and now that I know this, it could never be the same even if that's what I want. I would always want more from this friendship than I could ever get, and it could easily cause all the same problems all over again. So I think I should stay away. Maybe I can try to apologize, but I cannot ask for him to be my friend again. I cannot. And if I do seek to apologize, I should know it is far more likely I will be turned down, again. Can I put myself up to that?

[iwritemystruggleshere]

Yeah, you didn't understand me.

"[she] and I had a physical relationship last year, that dwindled into the beginning of this year. Maria was aware. I tried to cut things back as I found it going in an unfavorable direction, she pressed to keep things the same / ask for more. This repeats ad nausuem until I hit my breaking point and cut her off completely. Towards the end, she held no regard for what I wanted or how i felt. She just wanted answers. Then and now. She also said some very caustic things to Maria that really changed how I viewed her as a person. Yes, I did think she could handle the nature of the intended relationship. I was very wrong. I meant, I was less inclined to agree to situations that put us together privately. Less opportunity for physical contact. I presume she's still hung up on my outburst of "I hate you" which came from a place of frustration and her ignoring my signals of, "don't put that in my fucking mug" Considering mug was giving me life sustaining food, I snapped a little bit. I get that way. I am not a being of hate, I don't -hate- people, but regardless, she wouldn't, and still doesn't see that outburst as anything else. I can no longer be neutral because she verbatim told maria she "can't handle neutral" which is why she was being very negative towards maria. She said... Eh, trying to find the exact wording, facebook is cooperating, but while I search, I did find and remind myself that I repeatedly told her, for us to regain any semblance of friendship, I would need to cool off and not be interacting with her at all for a little while, and her basic response was, that's nice, but how about instead we do see each other/hangout etc a little bit "I think I'm finding the neutral actually bothers me more than thinking you might dislike me." [Re: "I hate you"]: There was no forethought to it, it was an outburst, it could have been, fucking hell, son of bitch, but instead materialized into I hate you, like any other kind of curse Perhaps in a moment of frustation, an outburst of hate, but it is not something that settles in my soul Hate takes too much energy and time and being a sad sap of a soul, I can't do that without destroying myself in the process"

[iwritemystruggleshere]

Blood Red

I see relationships in colors. One friend is mint green, another black with just a hint of blue. You were red. A deep red, almost the color of blood. I never liked the color red before, but while I was close to you, I bought more things in that specific shade than I had ever owned before, and I didn't even do it consciously. I just really liked that color all of a sudden. That's still the only shade of red I've liked. The rest are merely tolerated. It seems fitting now, with your color blindness, that red was the color I had for you. You couldn't see it. You wouldn't know how lovely that shade is, how enjoyable it truly was to look at. I don't think I like it as much now. Where once I felt wanted and like I could talk about anything and that I could play around and discover myself, now I feel minimized, unimportant, worthless. And for such a shade of red, these feelings are a terrible clash.

[iwritemystruggleshere]

The End

Hey, can we talk? I'm too busy. This is important to me. Stop making it such a huge deal. Hey, can we talk? Hey, where are we at? We're friends. And now friends with benefits. Can we talk? I don't want to have this relationship anymore. Can we talk? No. Talk to me? Absolutely! And yeah, we can have the benefits again. Why was talking such a problem before? Just because. Haha, I pulled a funny joke. No. What? Behavior like this is what pushes me away. I hate you. Just go away. You really hurt me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, I just lost my temper. You really believed me? You haven't been talking to me. I'll do what I can to repair your trust. I'm still hurt, I want to talk. You're desperate for attention. You have deep feelings for me and I don't want to sleep with you again. What? You don't care about what I want. What do you want? Leave me alone. Here, I brought this thing you asked for before, that I ignored completely for two months. What is happening between us? Sometimes I have friends and after a while I decide to let them fall to the side. I still care about you and I'm here for you if you ever need me. I hope you feel less stress. Want this sewing kit? What? Let's all make a group gift happen! Anyone in? Sure, I just have mixed feeling about talking to you. Suck it up. Hey, I wanna give you money for the thing. I wanna give you the thing. ... Any minute now? Just kidding. I gave it to someone else. Hey, can we meet up for lunch? I don't want to see you. Reason? I'm not talking about it. I wanna give you the money in person. You're holding it hostage to get what you want. I'm gonna give it to you no matter what? Just act normal where other people can see. You make me feel negative when I've been striving for neutral/positive. This issue is all to do with you. What does it take for us to stay friends? CAN'T WE BOTH TRY AT THE SAME TIME? Give me one last reason that I can hate you, and this can all be over. I don't hate you. I can push and you will respond. If you want to be friends, you have to stop, you have to slowly try to come back. I will do nothing. I have no hopes for coming back from this point. Then you don't get to just ignore me because you have this thought I'm desperate for your attention. I can't do this anymore, your friendship isn't worth this stress. Know that I will not harbor ill feelings of you by the next time we cross paths, but I refuse to let this continue. Once I have seen that you have read this, I'm blocking you on all forms of social media. Goodbye. I still care about you. It hurts me that your posting about this is making other people dislike you. It hurts me that they tell me about it. It hurts me what you're losing and can't see because everyone deserves all the friends they can get. (Fuck off.) cunt. (Get out of my city) cunt. Why, how did things become like this? I miss you. I miss your friendship. I miss thinking that you cared, although it seems that maybe you never did. I had so much stress in this time, and you couldn't see how it was influencing me, it was all about how you couldn't deal with me, how you didn't want to. What was happening on your end that I don't know about? I wish I did.

[iwritemystruggleshere]

Encryption

So today we decoded some mystery tweets. It was fun, a regular mind challenge that took a minute. I kinda want more, is that bad? The thing is, some of these tweets were about me. And the keyword to unlock them was "cunt". So that kinda sucked. The answers were "Oh! Look how fun and fulfulling my life is! Get fucked." and "Get out of my city." The first happened while I was at Sherri's house, and she was telling me about how next year he's not going to be allowed backstage or through the gate without paying because of how he was this year. I hate hearing these things, because I would try to fix it, but I have no reason to care. It's been announced that we aren't friends anymore, but like, I don't want either of us to suffer about this. But he's losing privileges. So I said something vaguely about it on Twitter, and an hour or so later, that popped up. Then I went to Chicago for the weekend with a friend. We didn't tell anyone really where we were going, but I'm sure there are some people that could figure it out. Someone must have, and told him, because that second one happened while I was there. And just a minute to discuss statistics, like the fact that 2.7 million people live in Chicago, but apparently the city belongs to him and I can't be there. I'm overall starting to feel like I've sacrificed a lot to try to stay together in school, first hobbies, then friends, and to some degree my job. Thankfully, my coworkers are more understanding of the fact that I'm suffering than some of the friends have been and don't take my actions personally. I went home after two hours on Friday, and just called off altogether today. How much more can I go before I start to question what this is really worth to me?

[iwritemystruggleshere]

Maybe?

Yesterday I kind of had fun, and today I'm feeling more relaxed than I'm accustomed to feeling. I'm still feeling sadness, but it seems duller for now. I think I can handle the semester, and once break hits, I'll be able to hang out with people and feel more like my normal self for a bit. Hopefully. I'm worried that as soon as anything comes up that has to do with fuckface, it's all gonna go downhill again. I don't feel like I have enough control yet that I can really process reminders on a level of not caring so much. Like, he's still so present to all the people I usually hang out with. He was out in our homeland just yesterday, it seems. Good thing I wasn't because I think I'd have ended up in a mental war with myself over how much I'd want an excuse to be where he is versus how much I should a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y not do that. Because really, what would seeing him accomplish, absolutely nothing but being yet another source of emotions because I still imagine talking to him like the friends we used to be.

[iwritemystruggleshere]

Negative

"It doesn't matter what state of mind I'm in right now, because lately, dealing with you has become a negative experience no matter what." That's another quote. Another thing that upset me. Another moment when what I needed and was looking for was understanding, and understanding was not what would get. I'm full of negative emotions. All the time now. Of course that's going to come out when I talk to you, because hiding it is only going to make me feel worse. I'm not into lying about how I feel or what I'm thinking. It's probably the case I shouldn't have trusted you anymore with my honesty, but that's what I did. I was losing trust in you all the time, yet still clinging to the little I had, because when things were good, that honesty was just a normal thing that seemed to bring us together, in a way. I should have stopped when you stopped. When I saw you stop caring about my thoughts. When you stopped asking how I felt about things and offering to talk about it. When you stopped admitting to me the dirty thoughts you would have about me. Because these things were all being honest about positive things, and if we couldn't have that, really why did I expect we might be able to say the negative things and talk about it? And you just wanted to pretend everything was fine.

[iwritemystruggleshere]

Negative

"It doesn't matter what state of mind I'm in right now, because lately, dealing with you has become a negative experience no matter what." That's another quote. Another thing that upset me. Another moment when what I needed and was looking for was understanding, and understanding was not what would get. I'm full of negative emotions. All the time now. Of course that's going to come out when I talk to you, because hiding it is only going to make me feel worse. I'm not into lying about how I feel or what I'm thinking. It's probably the case I shouldn't have trusted you anymore with my honesty, but that's what I did. I was losing trust in you all the time, yet still clinging to the little I had, because when things were good, that honesty was just a normal thing that seemed to bring us together, in a way. I should have stopped when you stopped. When I saw you stop caring about my thoughts. When you stopped asking how I felt about things and offering to talk about it. When you stopped admitting to me the dirty thoughts you would have about me. Because these things were all being honest about positive things, and if we couldn't have that, really why did I expect we might be able to say the negative things and talk about it? And you just wanted to pretend everything was fine.

[iwritemystruggleshere]

Disappointment

I got a scholarship today. 2500 dollars. And it's disappointing. This semester I've been the best off, financially, of any semester ever. Two/three jobs at a time, one great for feeling less stress, one great for money, and one great for experience. Basically, by getting just this scholarship, I'm losing the job for money. It was my GAship with the department. And you know, I know why. I'm not as good a student as I should be. I've missed class and slept through class and no explanation to my professors because how can I explain to them what I've put myself through? This feels like everything is catching up to me, and its all my own fault and now I'm just disappointed in myself. Academia is the one place I've always been able to succeed even when nothing else would go the way I want, and now I've lost that. Like, maybe they realize that I have too many jobs and by not offering me this it supposed to be like, mercy. But I don't think they realize this just means I'm gonna take more hours in other places. More hours that pay less and are gonna leave me more exhausted, because I'm gonna spend all that time doing heavy work. And look, I'm making excuses for myself in the future already. Aren't I a sad and pathetic shadow of my former self.

[iwritemystruggleshere]

Class

Yeah, I'm in class. Ignoring another lecture. Which is sure to bite me in the ass later, but this has been like, all semester, so how much worse could it get? I finally got in at a counseling office, and I'm actually not feeling all the same stress I was when I really thought I needed it. I guess we'll see what happens? I didn't barely sleep last night, because I slept most all day yesterday. I have a headache forming again, which is fun. My thoughts today center on how much I want other people to show me that they care about me, and in really specific ways that I will always be disappointed at not getting, because I can't ask and who's just gonna know, for example, that I wanted more than four or five people to ask me why I deleted Facebook? And I think I realize that the hardest part of losing the friend I did was that I have to accept that he didn't care about me. Not as a friend, not as a person. He said he did once. One of the last times we hung out before the problems started. I wanted to believe him, and I think part of me did, but really, it was easier all the other years of our friendship when I just always told myself he probably didn't like me that much, that I was just tolerated more than that he actually wanted my company. Even though everyone around the two of us told me we were best friends. I shouldn't have let those thoughts go, maybe we'd still be friends then. But doesn't that sound like such a shitty friendship to say it that way?

[iwritemystruggleshere]

Civil

"Your friendship isn't worth this stress. By the next time we run into each other, I will be civil, but as soon as I know you've read this, I'm blocking you on all forms of social media." A rough quote of the last message I got. I can't get the whole original, because I went and semi-perma logged off facebook the next week and I'm not ready to go back. But civil. That word. What am I supposed to take from it? I think the last time he said anything like that, he went and started talking to the person again, but like, they never got blocked on all forms of social media over the issue. Are we supposed to act like friends? Avoid each other and simply prevent conflict that way? The war between the north and south was called civil too, look how that went. I know what I want it to mean, which is that we'll be friendly in interaction, but I don't feel like I could do that. I'm too emotional to feel enough happy things to pretend to be friendly to anyone long enough to actually start feeling okay about things. And the second I fall off the happy bandwagon, he'll respond the way he has been, by giving in to my emotions, and doing all the worst things my nervous brain predicts. I used to trust this boy. I used to trust him with all manner of things about me that I couldn't tell anyone else. But the second I wanted to use that trust to talk about things between us that were making me feel anxious, things started to deteriorate. I spent a lot of time worrying about him and how he was doing when things were rough for him, and all that paid back by treating my problems like it just wasn't worth the time of day. Like, I get it, you're not in a place where emotions are easy for you, but can you just let me talk. I don't even really need you to care, but I need to feel like you care. Just listen to me. Pretend to listen to me even. You weren't the only problem I was facing. It wouldn't have taken too much digging to find out the whole story. Don't react with anger when I try to lay out my fucked up thought processes. Don't just push them off as dumb. I mean, they are dumb, but the effects I feel are very real to me, and can you just understand that? I need patience, why can't I get it from you.

[iwritemystruggleshere]

Numb

I want to write things. I think it helps me feel better. But right now, I can't find any feelings to write about. I'm sure I have them, but I'm not connected to them. I can feel tears behind my eyes, just waiting for an excuse to come out, and there's no excuse right now. I spent the last hour since I came home from work just laying in bed, staring at my walls and ceiling. I have homework that I'm not doing because I don't immediately know what it is, and I can't summon the energy to find the information, even though it's easy to find. I'm hungry and I don't feel like eating. I learned today that ex-friend is invited to the same party in a couple weeks and he might show. I'm already trying to prepare myself because I'm so sure I'm just going to be a trainwreck like I am all the time now, and he's going to think it's because of him, and probably it will be, but he won't realize this is my state of being now. I wish he would understand what it's like to be me right now, maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad between us if he could just try to understand my brain. I'm not the happy carefree plans-everything friend I used to be, there's too much stress. This morning I felt a small flicker of that old me, of how I was a year ago. And it was me remembering how we used to flirt with each other, always trying to hold something out of reach of the other. And that sucked, because it's not something I can do anymore to try to reclaim that old me, because the bridge is burnt and the river is wide. I wish I could have those moments in the present, rather than reliving them as distant memories of someone who is just like a perfect stranger now. That. That made the tears even closer to coming out.

[iwritemystruggleshere]

Loneliness

Loneliness is what I struggle with most, probably. I moved across the state to go to school and managed not to make any super close friends out here in four and a half years. All the close friends I have are back home. I see them all the time still, it feels like, but only if I really put effort into planning ahead. Lately, I've felt less and less up to planning anything, so it feels like the whole group is sort of falling apart. I'm definitely falling apart. I have two weeks left in the semester and no willpower to do anything. That paper due in a few hours? It's mostly done, but I can't bring myself to finish that last page right now. Even things though, that I used to be super interested in, aren't interesting to me anymore. I don't feel like finishing that video game. I don't wanna sew that skirt for my friend. I don't even really wanna eat. I want someone to be around me. Not even necessarily talking, just around. My roommates are all busy all the time, and I wouldn't know how to explain that all I need is them to sit in the same room with me, even if they weren't. It feels like there is no one left to call because I just end up crying on the phone over allthethings and I don't want to be a drag on anyone. 

This all comes up because I just had another small freak out over the fact that I’m now moving even further away from home and friends in a few months, to an even bigger city, full of even more strangers, and I’m worried about myself. It’s been something close to a year this has been a plan, and for most of that year, I knew I would have at least one friend there before me, so I wouldn’t be completely alone, and because of a lot of problems, that friend is not a friend anymore. I’m not happy about it, but things just reached a point where something had to break. And it did. I made it break. But now I’m just going to be alone. More than I am now. I’m going to spend my whole summer wishing I had been a better person now so that I could have someone around then, and feel incapable of getting out to make new friends, just like I’ve managed here at school. 

There is so much more I wanna write. But I can’t. Not now. Not without rambling far from where we are now. Not without feeling pathetic.