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Fyodor Dostoevsky ― The Brothers Karamazov

#last rb <3 #leaving this account up cause i dont wanna delete it but i wont be here anymore

some thoughts/reflection in the new year:

i think that, outside of trauma/abuse, what’s been most detrimental to me as a person is existing almost entirely online. thats not to say i regret time spent on this blog or blame other ppl for what ive become, but over the years ive ended up in toxic communities and picked up on harmful habits/behaviors that were actively encouraged & fed into by those around me. the effect of this is detrimental and has only gotten worse with time

although i’ve made wonderful friends & have had some of the happiest times of my life on/through this account, i cant say it’s been an ultimately good or healthy experience for me--arguably, im worse for it.

the direction im headed right now isnt where i want to go. the person i am rn isnt who i want to be. im taking steps to grow/improve, and part of that is leaving this account and the spaces i used to throw myself into behind.

i dont think i could ever/want to leave the internet entirely or anything like that (despite everything im still a loser LMAO), but i def want to change the way i exist on it cause the last thing i want to do is reach a point where its too late to change. id also like to have more shit going on irl to keep me from sinking too deep again. im no longer a kid being abused, so i dont rlly have an excuse and, ultimately, being an asshole just isnt a hill im willing to die on + not something im proud of

internet culture is v v v fun and a HUGE interest of mine (autistic as that sounds) but ive taken it to an unhealthy degree where i didnt/dont have anything going on outside of it and its fucked with my head a lil

i want to be a good person. i want to fill the world with nice things and treat ppl with kindness. i want my dad to look at me and think “despite everything, i raised a good kid”. id like to surround myself with ppl i love, ppl that dont want to hurt me and dont encourage me to hurt myself/others. one day, id like to wake up feeling happy and still feel that way when i go to bed. i cant accomplish any of this atm.

im very mentally ill, but id like to think im not beyond repair; id like to think the bad ppl in my life havent ruined me forever. id like to overcome all this shit and do more good than bad. basically, i wanna finally grow up and leave the past behind me. id like to live a long & happy life, grow old, have a positive impact on those around me, and make art im proud of. i dont want to hurt people and i dont want to kill myself, so im doing everything in my power not to.

#tw sui mention #jaro.txt #<3 last text post lol #n e way if we're mutuals and you want my new @ feel free to ask for it idk who all ill give it to but yknow #whatevs