The Darkest Depths of a Depressed Mind

[jacksdarkness]

I'm going to die alone.... I know I am....

[ughjul-deactivated20201029]

Depression does not always mean Beautiful girls shattering at the wrists A glorified, heroic battle for your sanity Or mothers that never got the chance to say good-bye Sometimes depression means Not getting out of bed for three days Because your feet refuse to believe That they will not shatter upon impact with the floor Sometimes depression means That summoning the willpower To go downstairs and do the laundry Is the most impressive thing you accomplish that week Sometimes depression means Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours Because you cannot convince your body That it is capable of movement Sometimes depression means Not being able to write for weeks Because the only words you have to offer the world Are trapped and drowning and I swear to God I’m trying Sometimes depression means That every single bone in your body aches But you have to keep going through the motions Because you are not allowed to call in to work depressed Sometimes depression means Ignoring every phone call for an entire month Because yes, they have the right number But you’re not the person they’re looking for, not anymore

by “Alexandra” Tilton, NH (Teen Ink: November 2013 Issue)

[sissi-zoey]

[janesnow14-deactivated20131007]

Sure. I’m game.

[tarathiel]

Why the fuck not? It’s not like anyone’s going to take me up on this anyway.

[holdyourheartforransom]

Do it

[deezhandztho]

the bold

[academicentomphagist]

I will do this because none of you ever ask or message me.

[unfoldedwings]

hey hey let’s go

[fightguycl]

Working on photos. If anybody takes me up on this it’ll be a nice break in the flow.

[jacksdarkness]

I thought I was doing a lot better in terms of depression and anxiety, but I guess that was all just a cover up. Thoughts keep racing through my head, I keep trying to pick out an appropriate date and method to end my own life. The scary thing is that I really don't want to, I want live, but I don't want to live with this pain anymore.

I've been doing really good up until this point. I've generally been content with everything because I started talking to a girl again. We even were able to meet up and go on a date this past weekend. However, after finding out that she's blocked men from viewing her dating profile, and that she hasn't responded to me in a while just has me on edge.

It seemed to go so well, we had a good time together so it really confuses me to think that maybe she would just drop off the face of the earth like this. On the other hand I just might be freaking out for no reason, but I've been in too many similar situations to just ignore it.

If this is really what i think it is, then why do I have to keep going through it? This has to be the fourth or fifth time that I've been interested in someone, then we go out together, and then they fall off the face of the earth.

I keep asking friends what I should do about this and they've not been helpful as usual. One friend has told me to stop announcing to the world, and using my Facebook wall to vaguely tell people I'm having these issues, while just completely ignoring the bigger issue. Another friend has told me to just quit for awhile, but that's what I was doing until this new girl showed. She's also told me to not worry about my virginity, but at the same time I know she's sleeping with other people.

Ultimately, none of the people I've talked to have been of any help despite my own efforts to help them. I'm really getting tired of being asked for relationship advice, having most if not all the correct answers for them, and then asking them, and getting vague and less-than ideal responses.

I just feel really lost, now more than ever. I keep coming up with excuses in order to prevent myself from getting hurt, but then I get hurt anyways. I want to try new and different things. I want to go out regularly, I want to find a strong group of friends, I want to find the girl I've been searching for, and I don't want to live like this anymore.

  Sure some of these excuses are less tangible than others, but they limit me from really living my life. As much as I want most of these experiences to happen, I keep doubting and losing faith in myself. I literally go through every possible contingency and analyze every point of failure.

I know this has gone a little too far, but it's made fulfilled it's purpose. I'm feeling better now at least, if only a little, and I am going to try to get in touch with the girl again. I guess I shouldn't really get my hopes up there but I really would like this to work out.    

[jacksdarkness]

I'm not sure if I'm going to make it past the age of 25.

I don't want to live but I don't want to die. How does this make any sense?

[jacksdarkness]

Friendship...

Friendship is ignoring the people that care.

Friendship is pushing away the people that need help.

Friendship is leeching off people who have given before.

Friendship is asking for help but never giving help.

Friendship is avoiding all of the big issues that might be important in the relationship.

Friendship is the most important aspect of life.... when you need something. 

Friendship does not work both ways.

Friendship means sacrificing someone else's time to make sure you get what you want.

Friendship is doing activities that you want to do; compromising would be selfish.

Friendship is making new friends and leaving the old. What's that saying? One is silver and the other is a pile of diarrhea.

  You know, I think my Uncle had the right idea. If you have to live alone for the rest of your life, then it's better not to live at all.......

[deathology]

reblog if you want anonymous opinions of you

[jacksdarkness]

Sure this won't be any better, but whatever.

[jacksdarkness]

The person most undeserving of love, is the one who loves the most.

[jacksdarkness]

Where are your friends when you need them? Oh yea... I don't have any of those...

[jacksdarkness]

So I've got to go to sleep fighting those urges again.... I think a rather long post is coming. Little good it will do me at this point, at least on here. I can't rely on anyone anymore, nor can I remember when "alone time" became such a hard thing to deal with. 

[jacksdarkness]

The urge for suicide has never been stronger.

[jacksdarkness]

People have told me that I need to be happy for myself before I should bother trying to make friends or relationships. But those are the people that have complete families, a plethora of friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, people that make them happy. I say shut your mouth hypocrite, you only live to bring people down so you can stand on their defeated bodies. 

[jacksdarkness]

I think there's something in peoples minds that translates the phrase "lean on me," into the phrase "shit on me."

[jacksdarkness]

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

So why bother?

[jacksdarkness]

Valentine's Day is coming up......

My least favorite holiday, Valentine's Day. Another one of those commercially driven, over-hyped holidays. More specifically to me, another day that specifically reminds me that I've been alone for another year. Another reminder that I'm a loveless, sexless, unwanted loser that can't be happy without love, and can't be loved because he can't be happy for himself. Part of me thinks I should give up on romance, and then move on. But then again, I still would not be happy. The good is that I am striving forward to make myself happy and I'm doing things I would never have done before. But when things don't seem to work out the way I want them to, I crash again.  

[jacksdarkness]

Love?: A Self Analysis.

So, after many a therapy session it has been determined that I have no self love. Therefore, I seek the love and attention of others, specifically through the possibility of finding a girlfriend. This aspect of me stems from and is a part of broken home syndrome. My dad left me when I was 11 to live with his wife and family in France. So there was a void that never quite could be filled. Yes I've had paternal figures in my life, but to feel as if your Father doesn't love you is psychological torment. And maybe he does love me, but he hasn't shown it. When you feel as if you were the bastard first-born son, and your little brothers are the reset button that could never be attained, is once again, torture.

This also gives me a lot of social anxiety as well. Because I didn't have someone there to watch my back, give me advice, and to help me in social situations. So when it comes to me being out, alone, and in a new environment, I just totally shut down. Of course, this idea is ten fold when it comes to women and relationships. I'm too afraid to fail at this idea. So afraid that I can never really push for what I want. So If I do try to be social with someone, I usually end up sending them mixed signals, and I speak in riddles more often than not. I completely and utterly hate it.

Imagine if it seemed like no one wanted you. Nobody talks to you on a regular basis, invites you to social gatherings, or pushes you away when your'e trying to ask for help. And maybe the most important part: You have never been the object of someones desires. So basically, you are an outcast amongst outcasts. It really is a terrible feeling. I'm very conflicted about it all though, I've thought that maybe If I spent sometime in new places then things would start to clear. However, after spending time in a play, hanging around with new friends, trying different approaches; I'm just not getting the answers I need. I just keep ending in failure, and I really wish the answer would just show itself one day. 

I'm going to keep fighting though, I have to. I still have too much of a future to live for, not much of a past but I can't look at it that way either. Do I blame, or hate my dad? No. I see the good in him, and I can relate because when you boil it down, me and him are more alike then me and my mom are even though I spent a lot more time with her. Is it getting better? Somewhat. I still want so much from people, and they can't give to me what I can give to them. I've fallen into a lot of one sided friendships at this point. I'm not sure what I want to do though. Should I move? Do something extreme? Change who I am and be completely fake? None of these answers are ideal. Because at the end of the day, I would end up even more at war with myself. 

[jacksdarkness]

Things I need to ask myself daily.

Have my days been better?

Have I found more friends?

Is the anxiety gone?

Is the depression gone or lessened?

Am I fulfilling my goals?

Who can I count on?

Who can count on me?

What can I do to the make the day better?

Who can I talk to when I am down?

Why do I have such a need for love?

Who loves me?

Who can I love?

Who am I really?