Perigee

@jackson-hight

"A man who's pure of heart and says his prayers by night. May still become a wolf when the autumn moon is bright." I'm Jackson. And I'm a werewolf. But what I am isn't who I am. If you want to know something just ask. I don't mind. [for rp purposes only.]

5,454 posts

[Private]

[She trembled, waiting for some reaction. Waiting for him to dump her from his lap, to hold her, anything. Nothing came for a long moment, though. And then he was standing, shifting away from her. Her heart broke and it was like physical pain in her chest.] Don’t… [she pleaded. Standing, she took one of his hands and closed it in both of hers.] I’m sorry. Don’t… I love you… [She pressed the heel of her palm to her forehead.] Why is that…wrong?

[Jackson rubbed his head, dragging his fingers through his hair. A part of him wanted to just walk out of the room, to leave and just stop the conversation. It was just going in circles and wasn't helping either of them. When Liv grabbed his hand then pressed it to her forehead Jackson finally turned and slowly took his hand out of hers.] It's not wrong. That's not what I'm saying. But to continue being... like we were before would be selfish and you would be just as unhappy as you are now. [His brow was furrowed with unhappiness as he looked at her.] Can't you see that?

[Private]

[Olivia felt her chest heave as he shut himself off from her. Slowly and without a care for how angry he would be at her, she moved back to the bed, to him. Without a second’s hesitation, she curled herself into Jackson’s lap and tucked her head under his chin. She was always making things bad. Always hurting the people she loved and this was just that again. Just making things hard for Jackson.] I don’t want to be happy without you.

[Jackson could feel her coming toward him, he could've moved faster than she could blink, could've just stood up and stopped her completely. But he didn't and she was suddenly curled up in his lap her nose pressed against his throat. He closed his eyes and let out a deep and heavy sigh. He wished he could put his arms around her a rub her back. He wished he could just be mad at her for not listening to him. But she was Liv. His face was pained when she spoke. This was about more than just them and that was the reason why he eventually stood up, a brief touch of his hands to her back and leg to make sure she didn't fall as he stood. He didn't walk away. He just looked at the wall, his back towards the bed.] But I want you to.

[Private]

[Olivia pushed off from the bed then, pacing as Jackson had been before.] That doesn’t help, Jackson. That doesn’t mean anything. [Fortune cookie lines and Top 40 lyrics meant nothing. She needed something she could hold on to, if she couldn’t hold on to him. Scrubbing a hand over her face, she stopped in the middle of the room. A rock and a hard place and nothing to be done…] I shouldn’t’ve… [She should have just done what she had done in the beginning. Held on to her life beyond the Manor, ignore the world between these walls and the people within it.] There’s nothing to do…

[Jackson closed his mouth and kept his head down. It didn't help. It was a piece of fluff used to placate with no real meaning behind them. Because the truth was right now there was no way to know if anything would be alright between them. Nothing to do to tip the scale either way. Not with the choices he'd made. But he couldn't change those now, not that he would. He looked up at Olivia with hollow, tired eyes. He was so tired.] Just go be as happy as you can with Austin.

[Private]

[Olivia shook her head a little, at a loss.] I want that too but… How do we fix it? [Everything had always been so easy with Jackson. And part of that was because she knew she never had to worry with him. He was hers and she was his when they were together and there were no other factors, no judgments from either of them and no other people. Now, though…] With you worrying about Austin all the time and me trying to not make it worse while fucking aching because I can’t have you like Kyla has you now. It’s just… [She didn’t want to say hopeless but she didn’t see a way to fix it. She and Jackson weren’t made to be just friends, she didn’t think. At least not the with all the ways she had felt about him, like planets had moved for them to meet up and be for each other what they could be. Maybe, though, that was just her.]

[Jackson sat quietly as Olivia spoke. He didn't know how to fix it either. Except to step back from everything. To step back and hide, let the rest of the manor settle down again. It was what he and Dom had talked about. About Jackson burning himself out, about being careful not to swing from one extreme to another. He looked down at the floor as she spoke. Not being physical with Liv was never going to change how he felt about her but he couldn't ignore her pain.] I'm sorry... That this is hurting you. But we'll get through this part... [It sounded lame even before he said it out loud but he said it anyway. He wanted to believe it.]

[Private]

[Olivia held his gaze for a moment before dropping her eyes to the ground.] I’m sorry. [She curled her knees closer to her chest, tucking her chin down.] Maybe… I should go. [She didn’t want to, never wanted to, but being here with him on the other end of the room and not willing to come any closer was torture. And it just made everything inside her twist even tighter.]

[Jackson shook his head sadly.] So am I. [He had been worried that seeing Olivia would turn out this way. He couldn't get all there talks out of his head. Everything he'd told her, promised her. He came back to sit next to her, looking down at his feet.] Please stay. I want us to find a place where we can be okay. Because... it sucks feeling like this, like we can't even talk.

[The kiss deepened and Kyla’s hum of contentment matched Jackson’s own grumble, her chest expanding with an unnecessary inhale. She breathed him in, fingers curling up over his shoulders as they pressed into warm skin. She felt them spinning and it made her giggle into him, a quiet burst of good humor that caught her by surprise. Truly, she hadn’t been in the laughing mood since Amara reappeared and confused everything again. He made her light.]

[Jackson swallowed the bright giggle and smiled as he continued to press his lips up into hers, kissing warmly. He loved hearing Kyla laugh, seeing her smile. He felt just a little of the worry and confusion float away and out of the bond. He held her as he tried to open the bond more, so she could feel how happy her being happy made him. It wasn't a competition between him and her Sire. He was there for Kyla, pure and simple and he knew she was there for him. He pulled his lips just far enough away to whisper.] I love hearing you laugh.

[Private]

I get that. I get that. I just… [She scrubbed her hands over her face and through her hair.] I’m sorry. I know I’m not making this any easier. I just…really hate it. [The last words were said quietly, defeated. She had always connected through touch and to not be able to do that with someone she was closest to, someone who she felt so distant from now and had for some time.] Do you think…after some time, we might be able to…? [Swallowing, she mustered up the nerve to meet his eyes.]

[Jackson knew that touch was important to Liv, it was important to him. He let out a long, defeated sigh and rubbed his neck for a minute. He finally look up at Liv, blue eyes still sad.] I hope so. [Jackson didn't know for sure. But he hoped that they could get back to a place where he wasn't worried a hug might be seen as too much.]

[Private]

So what, we have to sit on opposite sides of the room whenever I’m with you? You held me all the time when we were just friends. Why… What about what hurts you? What hurts me? [She looked away and down, trying to breathe through the knot deep in her chest.] I’m not trying to ask you to…go behind his back or anything. He knows I’m with you. He knows how I am. I just… I want something that feels normal with you. [She swallowed and sighed heavily. Slowly, she admitted] So I can try and believe that this isn’t all just a mistake.

[Jackson began to pace slowly, his hands opening and closing as he mentally counted. He looked down at the floor then back up to Olivia across the room.] I'm trying to be as helpful and respectful as I can during a time when he's still trying to get ahold of everything that's changing in him. Everything feels more when you're a werewolf. And I don't want him to get upset because he could accidentally hurt himself or you. I might be erring on the side of caution but I would rather do that then have something happen. This isn't his fault. This is the way I'm trying to keep you both safe.

[Oh, the warmth of him. It was all real, elemental and perfect. She loved the way he felt in her arms, pressed against her, locked between her legs. And when his fingers stroked beneath her shirt and over her skin, she sighed into him and let her own hands tug at his shirt until her palms were pressed to his back. Though they were surrounded by snow, there was no chill. Not like this. She smiled at his words, laughed quietly against him.] Don’t thank me. That’s just us. [She quietly echoed his words before kissing him again, sinking into the embrace.]

[Her body was tight against him, wrapped around him and as his hands pushed under her shirt and up her back he could feel the heat of his body sink into hers. The bond felt like it hummed in the back of his head and he made a small grumbling noise of contentment in his chest. There was nothing else except them and the wild in winter around them. He held her lithe body up so easily as he felt her lips smile against his and she kissed him again. As she sank into his arms he spun them around slowly, turning them in the snow as he kissed her.]

[Private]

[Olivia pulled her knees to her chest, tucking herself smaller.] How do you know this is gonna be better? It doesn’t feel better. It feels like everything is out-of-sync and slippery and… [Swallowing, she takes one of his hands.] I could never not be your friend. It’s just gonna be hard to only be your friend. Especially when I really don’t want that. When I haven’t wanted that in months… [Stroking her fingers over the lines of his palm, she asked barely audible.] Can you please hold me?

[Jackson sighed softly and pushed his fingers through his hair again, still leaning over his legs to look at the floor. He looked at their hands as she took his the way her fingers traced the lines of his palm, soft and searching. It hurts to pull away but Jackson does and gets up, putting a few paces between him and Liv.] It feels like crap right now because it is. I'm sorry, Liv. Don't ask me to hold you right now. Because I'm not going to be that guy that says as long as we don't tell Austin and you shower it's fine. Because we both know it's not okay with him right now. He loves you and he's pack. I'm not going to do something I know will hurt him even if he never knows about it.

[Everything was so… complicated now, but these moments they shared together were not. They were simple and perfect, stolen moments of the heavens she said she wanted to travel to. Her lips moved slowly against his, urging it deeper, nails scratching gently against his scalp as she stroked her fingers through his hair.] Just you right now. That’s what I need. You’re… Thank you for everything…

[Fingers scratched against his scalp and her kisses deepened. Jackson's held her against him, crushing her to him, wanting to feel as much of her as possible. Holding her in the woods, with the smell of trees and sky and damp earth and melting snow it was easy to be in the moment. To press his mouth up to hers, to beg entrance, to feel everything that they were together. A hidden cove from the storm. Safe harbor. His fingers scratched and pressed their way under her shirt.] Don't thank me. It's us. You and me. Thank you for letting me be what you need.

[Private]

[She swallows thickly at his non-answer, shakes her head.] If this is the right thing why does it feel so fucking awful? [She takes a hitching breath before admitting softly.] I don't know how to do this.

[Jackson lets out another deep breath slowly, lifting his hands to run them through his hair as if he could massage his thoughts away.] Because the right thing isn't usually the easy thing. It usually means you give up something and be unselfish because in the long run it'll be better. [Jackson covered his face with his hands for a moment.] I don't either. I'd like to still be your friend... Because I was always terrified I would ruin it.

[She hummed into him, lips still curved as their kiss drew out. He was warm and strong and sweet and she loved kissing him, loved feeling the swell of affection build in him and spill into her. Feeling his love and her own, clear and bright as the moon they spoke of.] You are quite the gift giver, Mr. Hight.

[There was a quiet pull inside his chest, a tether that he knew was Kyla. It was velvety and warm with her love and right now it reminded him of sun heated rocks on a river bank in a summer's eve. His fingers ran back down her spine, holding and caressing gently in the moon splashed forest. His lips hot against her cool ones.] Just tell me what to get you, Ms. Holland. And it's yours.

[Private]

[She watches him with eyes just as sad, a little surprised. Because she knew this was hard for him too, of course, but some part of her couldn’t get their last conversation out of her head. When she speaks at first, it’s a whisper.] I’m sorry. I know you— I’m sorry. No…tell me? Please?

[Jackson looks down at his hands on his knees, then back up to Liv, then slowly back down to his knees. He shrugged fatalistically. Not wanting to talk about something that was still a fresh hurt over and over again.] I'm just trying to do the right thing...

[She darted through the trees, weaving in and out of them expertly as she listened to Jackson follow. It lasted for long minutes and they covered a lot of ground before she turned abruptly, leaping at Jackson and wrapping her legs around is waist. She smiled as she leaned down and kissed him, her fingers sliding into his hair.] You help me reach the stars…

[Jackson's eyes darted, following the glint of golden hair in the tiny moments of moonlight. He threaded through the trees in an intricate dance, mirroring the vampire's movements. Falling into the mode of the hunter... Until Kyla turned and jumped him. Only his supernatural reflexes had his arms coming up to catch Kyla's back as she clung to his waist. He was breathing heavily a breathy laugh pushing out of his chest as he tilted his head back and kissed her back, hungry for the affection.] I'll get you the moon, too. You can keep it in your pocket and take it out only when you want.

Theeeen you better see if you can beat me there, Jackson. [She released his hand and took off at a sprint, light on her feet and quick to boot.]

[Jackson watched her go and grinning, took off after her, laughing. He made sure to keep her in sight even if he let her stay ahead. Letting the feeling of his body flying through the trees in the dark, following Kyla's scent take him.]

[Private]

[Liv looks over at the tension in his voice, pressing her lips together.] I… I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry. Should— I’m sorry, Jay. I didn’t mean for it to upset you…

[Jackson takes a moment but calms himself with effort. Pulling himself together and looking over at Liv with sad eyes.] You didn't upset me... It's just. You're not the only one that lost something. And you're not the only one that misses things. I've never believed in sex as a necessity... But that doesn't mean... Never mind.

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